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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 199102 times)

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #680 on: August 21, 2018, 08:29:39 am »

...

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #681 on: August 22, 2018, 08:36:21 am »

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the  salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a  beautiful, leggy, blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for £60,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model".

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a  large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash  ready, didn't need any finance, and, Sir, just look at her?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go", she said. "I told you I could get that knob head to lower the price Dad."

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #682 on: August 22, 2018, 06:20:25 pm »

Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #683 on: August 23, 2018, 03:46:54 am »

Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."

Ugh!

Jeremy
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JimAscher

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #684 on: August 23, 2018, 11:38:31 am »

Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."

Puts me in mind of the old Dorothy Parker (apocryphal?) anecdote concerning a request to her that she put the word "horticulture" in a sentence:   "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think.)
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Jim Ascher

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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #685 on: August 23, 2018, 11:43:40 am »

That joke (Norse) seems to be cryptic for outsiders.

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #686 on: August 23, 2018, 11:45:26 pm »

No blinking outside the bar then ;)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #687 on: August 28, 2018, 04:10:04 am »

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
 

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #688 on: September 04, 2018, 03:37:28 am »

.
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PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #689 on: September 08, 2018, 03:58:16 pm »

Sol went to his usual restaurant for lunch, and ordered his favorite – the soup. The waiter brought the soup, but after half a minute Sol called him back.

Sol: Waiter, can you please taste this soup?

Waiter: What for? There’s nothing wrong with it.

Sol: Please just taste it.

Waiter: What for? It’s the same soup you have been ordering for years.

Sol: Please just humor me and taste the soup.

Waiter, sighing: OK, for you I’ll taste the soup … wait, there’s no spoon.

Sol: AHA!!!!
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Peter
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PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #690 on: September 09, 2018, 11:34:29 am »

Mrs. Smith, known for her cheapness, went into a grocery store. "How much are these grapefruit?" she asks.

"Three for $5" answers the shopkeeper.

"What if I want only 2 grapefruit?"

"That would be $4."

"OK," she replies, "I'll take the third one."
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Peter
"Science does not care what you believe" - unknown

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #691 on: September 17, 2018, 02:18:15 pm »

I asked a Welsh friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started to count but fell asleep.

Jeremy
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #692 on: September 17, 2018, 05:07:36 pm »

I asked a Welsh friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started to count but fell asleep.

Jeremy
Subtle, Jeremy, very subtle!   ;)
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #693 on: September 19, 2018, 12:25:25 am »

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #694 on: September 19, 2018, 04:35:31 am »

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."


For once, I have to stand up for government: nope, not governments being bad, but the crazy, politically correct amongst us forcing issues that sometimes are, well, crazy, onto governments.

I'm sure governments would really rather have nothing to do with much of this stuff, that like plastic in the ocean, eventually becomes too big a problem to ignore.

Frans Waterlander

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #695 on: September 21, 2018, 07:07:58 pm »

I chat with Nikon Technical Support: "Can you tell me what the maximum AEB range is for the D7200?"
Answer of Nikon Product Specialist: "Can you tell me what you mean by 'AEB'?"
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #696 on: September 22, 2018, 12:31:08 am »

I chat with Nikon Technical Support: "Can you tell me what the maximum AEB range is for the D7200?"
Answer of Nikon Product Specialist: "Can you tell me what you mean by 'AEB'?"
Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle?   ::)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #697 on: September 22, 2018, 04:12:21 am »

Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle?   ::)


Are you casting aspersions towards a certain lady dear to my heart, Eric?

Grrrrrr...¿?

petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #698 on: September 22, 2018, 07:54:07 am »


Are you casting aspersions towards a certain lady dear to my heart, Eric?

Grrrrrr...¿?

I think so!!!

Peter

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #699 on: September 22, 2018, 08:31:25 am »

I think so!!!

Peter
Only if her name is either American Egg Board or Advanced Electron Beams.   8)
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