Post by: PeterAit on September 13, 2015, 11:42:41 am
The next morning the missus looked out the window and was puzzled to see a cardboard box in the driveway. She went out and opened it.
It was a bathroom scale.
Bob has not been heard from since.
Post by: Otto Phocus on September 14, 2015, 08:40:49 am
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
Post by: Rob C on September 14, 2015, 10:10:43 am
Rob C
Post by: drmike on September 14, 2015, 10:16:29 am
Now all I want to do is rub it in.
Post by: Otto Phocus on September 14, 2015, 10:38:59 am
I took her into the kitchen
Then the fight started.
Post by: drmike on September 14, 2015, 11:33:06 am
A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job
applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job?
You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to
the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those
stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: "Ok, show me your plan."
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure
enough, he rings the bell. The bishop asks him, "How did you learn to ring
the bell like this?" The hunchback replies, "Actually, I first learned on
the guitar," and walks over to a guitar on the wall and starts banging his
head on it, and Lo! Beautiful music comes out.
So despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.
Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the
hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest
corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he
jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud.
Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He
staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.
A crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street;
the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.
The policeman arrives and again asks: "Who is this guy?" The bishop
replies: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
The policeman then asks if the bishop had hired the hunchback. "Yes,"
replies the Bishop, "but I had a hunchback there nothing good would come
of this job interview."
The policeman then asks if the bishop can tell him anything about the
hunchback. The bishop replies,"Not much, but he could play a guitar just
like a ringing a bell."
The next day, a man (who has arms) arrives, claiming to be the hunchbacks
brother. "Hi, I've come to take over my brother's job." The bishop offers
his condolences for the loss of his brother, and then escorts him to the
tower.
"Your brother used to ring the bell with his face," said the Bishop. "Will
you do that, too, or will you use your arms?" The hunchback's brother
replies "If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!" So saying, he
runs full bore at the bell, glances off it with his face, falls out the
window and to his death in the street below.
The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd
gathers. A policeman arrives and asks the bishop "Do you know who this man
is?" The bishop replies, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
So once again the church was left without a bell ringer. An advertisement
was placed in the local paper and within days a young man who possessed
two stout arms applied for the job. The bishop was greatly impressed with
the fellow's bell-ringing skill, and he offered the job. The young man
accepted and the bishop began to fill out some paperwork. He said, "Now
what is your name?" The fellow replied, "I cannot tell you, but I will
whisper it to the bell." Now this seemed somewhat unusual to the bishop,
but he needed a bell ringer, so he nodded his approval. The young man
leaned toward the bell, cupped his hands around his mouth, and whispered
something unintelligible to the bell. The bishop, wondering if he was
doing the right thing, left the young man to his work.
For weeks the skies above the city were filled with the most glorious
tones imaginable, until one day -- quite by accident -- the young man
slipped, fell out the side of the belfry, and plunged to his death upon
the pavement below. A crowd gathered 'round; a policeman knelt beside the
body; the bishop walked outside to investigate the commotion. The
policeman looked up at the bishop and asked, "Do you know this man's
name?" The bishop paused, and then replied slowly, "No, he tolled the
bell."
So once again the church was left without a bell ringer. An advertisement
was placed in the local paper and within days another young man who
possessed two stout arms applied for the job, and the bishop asked him to
demonstrate his skill with the rope. The man replied, "I have no need for
the rope--just watch this!" With that, he dropped his jaw, tilted his head
backward, and produced a perfect E above high C. As he held the note, the
bell began to resonate with sympathetic vibrations, and a beautiful tone
could be heard throughout the city. The beauty of the sound was
incredible, and the man was hired on the spot.
With his unique skill, it soon became obvious that the man could ring the
bell without even entering the belfry. Each day at noon he would simply
walk along the sidewalk by the church, drop his jaw, tilt his head
backward, produce a perfect E above high C, and ring the bell to the
amazement of all. Until one day, quite by accident, the vibrations caused
the rope holding the bell to snap, and the bell flew out the side of the
belfry, plunged toward the ground, and crushed the man to his death upon
the pavement below. A crowd gathered 'round; a policeman knelt beside the
body; the bishop walked outside to investigate the commotion. The
policeman looked up at the bishop and asked, "Do you know this man's
name?" The bishop paused, and then replied slowly, "No, but he was a real
humdinger!"
This time the church placed two ads in the paper, one for putting the bell
back in the tower, the other for ringing the bell. A troll showed up to
put the bell back in the tower. Although loath to hire a troll, the bishop
decided to let him put the bell back in the tower (the troll was big and
strong). After the troll put the bell back, it demanded the job of bell
ringer. The bishop refused, telling the troll that he would scare away all
the church members. The troll became enraged and chased the bishop around
the bell. Around and around they ran, with the troll getting closer and
closer. Suddenly, the troll's arm snagged on the bell rope. Infuriated the
troll pulled the rope with all its strength. The bell swung forward and
then back again, pulling the troll off its feet and out the window, where
it fell to its death.
A horrified crowd gathered, and the tired bishop made his way down the
belfry, arriving just as the policeman arrived. The policeman asked the
bishop "What happened?" The bishop explained that he had refused the troll
the bell ringing job and the troll began chasing him. "How did you
escape?" asked the policeman. The bishop's reply: "I was saved by the
bell."
Post by: Otto Phocus on September 14, 2015, 11:53:50 am
Pithy humour for the win. :)
My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is whining about what she sees and says me, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her, 'Well, at least your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started...
Post by: drmike on September 14, 2015, 12:23:36 pm
Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.
You say that but some are wonderful. I will try and find the best one ever that goes on for ever and has an awful pun at teh end.
I like the 'and then the fight started' jokes though.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 14, 2015, 02:54:59 pm
Jeremy
Post by: B-Ark on September 14, 2015, 02:57:42 pm
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die." she replied.
Post by: B-Ark on September 14, 2015, 02:59:14 pm
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Post by: PeterAit on September 14, 2015, 03:18:50 pm
Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.
I tend to agree. The best jokes are short jokes. For example:
The elderly woman called the police to report indecent exposure by the young man next door. When the officer arrived he looked out the window. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't see anything." The woman replied "Of course not. You have to stand on that chair and use the binoculars."
Post by: Otto Phocus on September 14, 2015, 03:31:58 pm
"If you work hard; really apply yourself; and are willing to put in the extra hours to succeed... next year I will be able to afford a new Merc."
:-\
Post by: Torbjörn Tapani on September 14, 2015, 05:42:48 pm
You say that but some are wonderful. I will try and find the best one ever that goes on for ever and has an awful pun at teh end.
I like the 'and then the fight started' jokes though.
Is it this one? http://natethesnake.com/
Post by: Tarnash on September 14, 2015, 08:44:31 pm
I noticed my boss driving a nice Merc into our work parking lot. He stopped and chatted with me about the car. Then he saidNow that's what I call `a joke'! :D
"If you work hard; really apply yourself; and are willing to put in the extra hours to succeed... next year I will be able to afford a new Merc."
:-\
Post by: DeanChriss on September 14, 2015, 09:01:49 pm
Post by: Otto Phocus on September 15, 2015, 07:53:10 am
I saw him shake a stick and turn two cows into a pasture.
Post by: drmike on September 15, 2015, 12:39:21 pm
noticing that next to me was a large alsatian. What was more surprising
was that the dog was having the time of it's life, laughing at all the
jokes and nearly dropping its stick with excitement. I turned to the
woman holding the dog's lead, and said, "I hope you don't think I'm
being rude, but I'm very surprised to see your dog enjoying the film so
much.""You're surprised?" she replied. "I'm amazed - he hated the book."
Hoping it's not too long
Post by: Justinr on September 15, 2015, 04:38:30 pm
I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'
http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/lesdawsonjokes.html
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 16, 2015, 11:59:34 am
Post by: Colorado David on September 16, 2015, 01:28:35 pm
Person 2, "M R not."
Person 1, "O S A R, C M M T pockets? M R Photographers."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 16, 2015, 03:03:32 pm
Jeremy
Post by: drmike on September 18, 2015, 11:55:01 am
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."
Post by: Rob C on September 18, 2015, 12:02:39 pm
I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."
But it might put him at an advantage with a kangaroo...
Rob C
Post by: drmike on September 18, 2015, 01:04:16 pm
Post by: Rob C on September 18, 2015, 01:27:46 pm
We have to hope that's not speaking from personal experience :)
Never been to Oz. Yet!
In The Moon's a Balloon David Niven writes about an officer he once had who boasted to having had it off with everything under the Sun, and the only thing he couldn't stand was a woman with a Scottish accent; says something about the lassies he 'dealt' with rather than about the race... trust me: voice was one of my wife's special attractions for me.
;-)
Rob C
Post by: Justinr on September 19, 2015, 04:06:21 am
Never been to Oz. Yet!
In The Moon's a Balloon David Niven writes about an officer he once had who boasted to having had it off with everything under the Sun, and the only thing he couldn't stand was a woman with a Scottish accent; says something about the lassies he 'dealt' with rather than about the race... trust me: voice was one of my wife's special attractions for me.
;-)
Rob C
No need to travel quite that far for the experience -
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/wallabies-warm-to-britain-1259864.html
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 19, 2015, 09:29:53 pm
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it’d been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Post by: Colorado David on November 19, 2015, 09:51:12 pm
Report this post
Post by: mbaginy on November 20, 2015, 12:26:53 am
Post by: William Walker on November 20, 2015, 12:47:50 am
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Post by: David Sutton on November 20, 2015, 03:17:09 am
Cheeky bugger! I gave him a hiding.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 20, 2015, 04:06:25 am
Jeremy
* a chain of home hardware shops
** B&Q staff uniform
Post by: Otto Phocus on November 20, 2015, 07:36:08 am
I whispered in her ear "the Kitchen and bathroom".
And then the fight started.
Post by: wmchauncey on November 20, 2015, 09:05:40 am
"But why does it only have three legs"? "When ya have a pig like that, ya don't eat him all at once"
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on November 20, 2015, 09:43:16 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 20, 2015, 03:23:21 pm
It was what he would have wanted.
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 12, 2015, 07:35:53 pm
Post by: Colorado David on December 12, 2015, 10:29:15 pm
Our friend Dave drowned. At the funeral, we gave a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
It was what he would have wanted.
Jeremy
You could have used a different name. ;)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 13, 2015, 05:22:04 am
You could have used a different name. ;)
Sorry about that. But if I'd joked about Xyrk, something in a flying saucer would have felt slighted ;)
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on December 13, 2015, 06:17:50 am
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 15, 2015, 10:24:58 am
Post by: Rob C on December 15, 2015, 01:39:50 pm
Rob
Post by: Rob C on December 19, 2015, 02:49:31 pm
I'd have posted, but the PC Police would have objected.
;-(
Rob C
Post by: drmike on December 22, 2015, 04:37:38 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 22, 2015, 09:34:29 am
I had an argument with my wife in the lift this morning. She told me I was wrong on so many levels.
http://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=103793.msg853114#msg853114 :P
Post by: drmike on December 22, 2015, 11:24:56 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 22, 2015, 12:52:01 pm
I did wonder but didn't check :(
I think mine just clarifies what type of argument you two had ;D :P
Post by: drmike on December 22, 2015, 01:25:13 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 22, 2015, 01:30:32 pm
Did anyone find that UK B&W magazine needed to see where you came in that competition or something?...
Yes, but no joy for me, thanks for asking.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 22, 2015, 01:32:13 pm
"There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.
But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasn’t known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.
And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. She’s never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.
And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.
And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time I’ve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said that’s the first time I’ve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform."
Post by: Zorki5 on December 22, 2015, 01:50:46 pm
Ronald Reagan's joke about Democrats:
"There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.
But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasn’t known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.
And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. She’s never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.
And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.
And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time I’ve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said that’s the first time I’ve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform."
;D
Here's video of it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUu2HKZGxJ4
Post by: drmike on December 22, 2015, 02:07:19 pm
Post by: GrahamBy on December 23, 2015, 07:45:14 am
http://www.xkcd.com/1615/
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 24, 2015, 10:25:49 am
http://www.xkcd.com/1615/
xkcd is a fantastic source of witty comment on almost anything. I keep a store of his stuff for use when I give lectures.
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/car_problems.png)
and
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/photos.png)
Jeremy
Post by: Robert Roaldi on February 01, 2016, 10:12:05 am
Older guy replies, "My honesty."
Younger guy says, "That's a new one on me, I didn't think that honesty could be a liability."
Older guy replies, "I don't give a damn what you think."
Post by: Rob C on February 08, 2016, 03:38:32 am
The recession has hit everybody really hard.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounces.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Post by: drmike on February 23, 2016, 08:47:55 am
pastries into his pocket. He turns to the Kiwi and says "pretty slick, eh
bro? the owner didn't even see me."
Unimpressed the Kiwi replies "typical dishonest Aussie, bro I?m gonna show
you the honest way and still get the same result." The Kiwi calls out to
the owner of the shop and says "hey, man I wanna show you a magic trick."
The intrigued shop agrees to play along, so the Kiwi asks for a pastry
which he eats. He then asks for another which he eats, and a third which
he also eats. By now the shop owner is getting a little impatient and asks
"c?mon, mate what?s this so-called magic trick, then?"
The Kiwi points to the Aussie and says, "look in his pockets."
Post by: Rob C on February 23, 2016, 10:28:29 am
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway , he had the right credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian ."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Post by: drmike on February 23, 2016, 10:57:02 am
Answer - So the English can understand them.
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two
o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Post by: Rob C on February 25, 2016, 04:22:32 am
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting
on a bench outside a nursing home, when an old grandpa walked by.
One of the grandmas yelled out, "Betcha we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man called back,"No you can't! There's no way you can guess exactly how old I am."
"Yes we can," one of the other grandmas answered. "Just drop your pants and your under shorts and we
can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed and a little puzzled, but keen to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
Then the grandmas told him to turn around several times and to jump up and down, so he did.
Then they all piped up at once and yelled, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants around his ankles the old man asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies shouted in unison,
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
Post by: Rob C on February 26, 2016, 04:24:28 pm
Subject: essex innit
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
Post by: Nelsonretreat on March 02, 2016, 01:59:21 pm
Subject: essex innit
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
This is Brilliant Mr C! There's no humour so funny as that based on ridiculing social groups based on their 'inferiority' of education, their taste and their propensity for crime!
"Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal."
I actually heard this joke in America years ago but the guy telling it used the 'N' word instead of Essex dwellers. I think yours is much funnier though!
Post by: Justinr on March 09, 2016, 08:57:49 am
http://www.made-in-china.com/showroom/bessrealpoo/product-detailzvXnSqmTqJrg/China-Lens-with-T-Mount-Adapter-85mm-F-1-8-Portrait-Lens-for-Canon-or-Nikon.html
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on March 09, 2016, 10:19:37 am
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Kevin in CT
Post by: Rob C on March 09, 2016, 10:36:23 am
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you
above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian
in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"
Post by: Justinr on March 09, 2016, 01:41:00 pm
www.zulualphakilo.com/
Post by: Otto Phocus on March 10, 2016, 06:52:45 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 10, 2016, 02:28:40 pm
https://twitter.com/WorldAnimalsMag/status/707981422062133248?cn=ZmxleGlibGVfcmVjcw%3D%3D&refsrc=email
Post by: GrahamBy on March 11, 2016, 07:09:57 am
This is Brilliant Mr C! There's no humour so funny as that based on ridiculing social groups based on their 'inferiority' of education, their taste and their propensity for crime!
You know Nelson, I'm a vegan. I happen to believe that it's a morally correct lifestyle. However, I don't shout in the face of everyone I see eating a ham sandwich.
There are people who do this... usually they are in some sort of post-realisation shock "Oh my god! All these years I've been eating animals!" and there is a sort of converts' fervour that lasts for a few months. Some are like that forever, and usually they are more trying to make a point about themselves than anything else. In any case, as a strategy for reducing animal suffering it's pretty poor and usually just generates anger. Anger begets anger.
People who are close to me know my position, and sometimes that leads them to ask themselves questions, and sometimes their own beliefs and practices change. Some of them don't, yet they are decent people who make their choices in the context in which they live. I don't see them primarily as murderers of sensitive intelligent animals, we talk about other things. If they start to wax lyrical about last night's steak, I drop out of the conversation.
Do you get my point?
Post by: Rob C on March 11, 2016, 10:30:04 am
will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek
from the corner of his eye.
The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having
their tonsils out".
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 11, 2016, 11:00:46 am
...Do you get my point?
No :-\
Post by: Rob C on March 11, 2016, 11:55:12 am
People claim that I am condescending. That means that I talk down to people.
Shit happens when you're tall.
Rob C
Post by: Rob C on March 12, 2016, 04:46:38 am
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man,
name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensistivity just can't be taught. Just like photographic creativity, then.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 12, 2016, 04:53:08 am
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.
We didn't really care. We'd come into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 12, 2016, 10:00:44 am
The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?As a fun-loving retired person, I really enjoyed this one.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.
We didn't really care. We'd come into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Jeremy
Thanks, Jeremy!
Eric
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 20, 2016, 05:03:27 am
Eric, I thought that by now you've prepared that form message, no? :DMaybe I'll just refer to it as Form Msg #372.5. :D
A lone traveller was lost in the mountains. Cold, wet and hungry, he chanced upon an isolated monastery. He was warmly welcomed, given a room, a hot bath and a change of clothes and invited to join the monks at dinner.
After a good, simple meal, he was surprised when one of the monks stood up, said "72" and sat down, to a gale of laughter. A while later, another of the company repeated the exercise, saying "26" and receiving the same response.
He asked his neighbour what was going on. "We're a closed community. We've all been here for years. We have very no contact with the outside world. We have got to know each others' jokes really well, so to save time we have numbered them. All one of us has to do is to say the number: we can all think of the joke and enjoy it."
The traveller asks if he can join in, and is told that of course he can. He gets to his feet, thinks for a moment and says "127".
There are two punchlines.
The room dissolves into uncontrollable hysterics because "we've never heard that one before".
or
There is a deathly silence because "you told it very badly".
I once worked for a consultant who had a number of pet dislikes (of routine practices, of course, such as giving blood to an anaemic patient). I suggested he could number them, so when on a ward round we came across one of the hates, he could give the number and we could all nod sagely and move on, saving a few minutes at each bedside. He didn't warm to the idea, oddly.
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 20, 2016, 09:18:18 am
No! Form msg 93!
;)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 22, 2016, 05:31:54 pm
Post by: Justinr on March 24, 2016, 06:41:49 pm
So they match the kitchen appliances.
Post by: Otto Phocus on March 25, 2016, 06:54:54 am
Why do brides wear white?
So they match the kitchen appliances.
Aren't most aprons white? Makes sense. :)
Post by: Rob C on March 26, 2016, 05:10:42 am
Subject: FW: Life in the Circus
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computeskills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Post by: Rob C on March 30, 2016, 05:54:16 am
Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So ...they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . .
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Post by: Rob C on April 01, 2016, 04:35:51 am
Political Correctness: the source.
Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz:
"Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?"
Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end"
...........................................
Now you have it; now you know!
Rob C
Post by: drmike on April 05, 2016, 04:04:04 am
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".
My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
Post by: GrahamBy on April 05, 2016, 04:49:42 am
I'm really worried about my Parrot.
:) :) :)
Post by: Rob C on April 21, 2016, 05:13:02 am
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Post by: mbaginy on April 21, 2016, 06:20:34 am
A fellow was renovating his apartment, wallpapering and painting. He fell from the ladder and broke a wrist. His wife phoned an ambulance which took his to the hospital for bandaging. The same ambulance crew drove him home afterwards.
Meanwhile, his wife had cleaned up and had used turpentine, which she then poured into the toilet. The first thing the fellow did when he arrived home was to go to the toilet, sit down and light a cigarette – throwing the match into the toilet. Poof!!
His wife phoned for an ambulance again and, that same crew as in the morning came to the rescue. While the fellow was being carried down some flights of stairs on a stretcher, he told the two medics what had happened. They laughed so hard that they dropped the stretcher causing the poor fellow to fall off and break his other wrist!
A newspaper reporter described that guy’s plight more eloquent than I can and I wish I had saved the article. I still chuckle when recalling how tough home renovation can be. True Story, by the way.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 21, 2016, 10:07:29 am
Post by: Rob C on April 21, 2016, 10:24:55 am
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
Post by: RSL on April 21, 2016, 10:36:28 am
Swen said: "I vas up above some broken clouds ven I seen two of dem fokkers below me, so I rolled over and hozed down da fokker on da left. He started smokin and I seen him bail out. Den I got in a Lufbery wid da other fokker. I tightened up my turn inside him until I could shoot, and as soon as I hit him dat fokker blew up."
The mayor, who was standing next to Swen said: "I probably ought to explain that the Fokker was a German airplane."
Swen grunted and said: "Vel, dat's true, but dem fokkers vas flying Messerschmitts."
Post by: RSL on April 21, 2016, 10:56:35 am
"How the hell did that happen?" Henry asked, pointing at his friend's eyes.
"Well. . . I was at the Democratic caucus last night," Ben said. There was this hefty woman sitting in front of me. When she got up to speak I noticed that her skirt was caught in the crack of her butt and it looked like hell, so I reached out and gave her skirt a snap. For some reason she turned around and clobbered me in the eye."
"In both eyes?"
"Not that time," Ben said, holding his palm vertical, sideways and stiff, and making a forward chopping motion. "But I figured since that was the way she wanted it. . ."
Post by: Otto Phocus on April 21, 2016, 12:37:58 pm
"Who want's to be first" she asked
Dirty Johnny (the kid with the dirty mind) raises his hand. But the teacher is not having anything to do with this
"OK, Billy, you go first"
Billy stands up and says "beautiful. My teacher is beautiful."
"Why thank you Billy, who is next?
Dirty Johnny is standing up pleading "pick me!"
Uh uh. "Sally, why don't you go next"?
Sally stands up and says "wonderful. My teacher is wonderful."
"Thank you Sally. Who is next"?
Dirty Johnny is standing on his chair pleading "PICK ME!!"
With great trepidation, the teacher selects Dirty Johnny
Dirty Johnny stands up and says "Urinate!"
The teacher interrupts him and says '"why that word, Johnny?"
Dirty Johnny continues "Urinate. But if you changed your hair style you would be a nine!"
Post by: Rob C on April 21, 2016, 01:46:59 pm
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 22, 2016, 01:16:19 pm
The first recoils in horror. "I can't do that!". She's out.
The second, looking nervous, takes the gun with obvious reluctance and goes into room B. She comes out a few moments later. "I just couldn't do it". She's out.
The third seizes the gun and strides purposefully to room C, shutting the door firmly behind her. A gunshot is heard, then another, then another. There is a pause, then the sounds of a struggle, with shouts, crashing furniture and splintering wood; then silence. A moment later, she reappears, slightly flushed and breathing heavily. "Bloody gun was loaded with blanks. Very funny. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Post by: Rob C on April 22, 2016, 02:11:45 pm
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
Post by: Rob C on May 26, 2016, 09:57:33 am
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum:
Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
Post by: mbaginy on May 26, 2016, 10:44:53 am
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?Darn, Rob. That ain't funny, that's the truth!
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Post by: Otto Phocus on May 26, 2016, 11:26:07 am
Post by: Rob C on May 26, 2016, 12:11:51 pm
Darn, Rob. That ain't funny, that's the truth!
Tell me about it; I recently recognized, with delight, a reintroduced 'retro' Bush radio that used to live in the studio... it was the ultimate in cool! Then. Late 1950s - mid 1960s. And apparently, again, now.
I think I will take the advice, buy a box of chocolates and go to the library.
Rob
Post by: aduke on May 26, 2016, 12:55:56 pm
Darn, Rob. That ain't funny, that's the truth!
It is the truth and I found it funny when, a couple of years ago, I visited the Deutsches Museum in Munich and found a display of a computer for which I had written the system software many years before.
Alan
Note: for those unfamiliar with the Deutsches Museum, it a fine museum of technology. It works hard to make the technology accessible to the visitor. An example of this is a submarine cut in half, lengthwise.
Post by: Zorki5 on May 27, 2016, 04:31:30 am
That ain't funny, that's the truth!
I beg to differ! It is funny because it is truth. ;)
Post by: Rob C on May 27, 2016, 05:13:00 am
Rob C
Post by: Zorki5 on May 27, 2016, 12:04:42 pm
Strewth!
Here, have a look:
(http://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/windows-10-hammer-with-cammeras-satellite-dish.jpg)
How should someone, who punched cards in his University days, and for whom Windows 3.11 (a.k.a. Windows for Workgroups) was freakin' bleeding edge, feel about that?
Nothing but a broad smile :D
Post by: RSL on May 27, 2016, 02:56:49 pm
My first (external) hard drive was 10 megabytes and I was sure I had enough storage for the rest of my life.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 28, 2016, 03:54:01 am
I'm with you all the way, Zorki. Except I didn't do this stuff in school. I used punch cards at NORAD Hq. to develop a more streamlined combat reporting system. Got damn good with a card punch too. Then, after I retired, the first "good" operating system I ran into was NEWDOS 80. Shortly after that Microsoft came out with a reasonably good version of FORTRAN, which I jumped into. Until Microsoft got off Windows "operating systems" that rode on top of DOS, things were pretty iffy.
The card punch I used at school was a heavy, cast iron gadget. It had 13 buttons, one for each row of the card, and one for release. We had to learn the hole combinations for each character and be sure to press the buttons together, and firmly. Combined with a turnaround time of a week (we posted the cards to Imperial in London, to run through their CDC7600, and they posted the cards and printout back to us), it encouraged rather careful programming (in FORTRAN, of course, until I discovered assembler).
My first (external) hard drive was 10 megabytes and I was sure I had enough storage for the rest of my life.
10? 10?? Luxury (said with Monty Python Yorkshire accent). Mine was 5, and after ages spent swapping floppies on the Mac Plus to which I attached it, it was heaven. Fast, too.
Jeremy
Post by: GrahamBy on May 28, 2016, 06:31:37 am
Actually, I think the cartoon is a bit unfair, W10 works more like NT/2000/XP/7 than any of 98/Vista/8/8.1
Post by: davidedric on May 28, 2016, 09:09:57 am
Dave
Post by: RSL on May 28, 2016, 09:17:46 am
Post by: Rob C on May 28, 2016, 10:06:41 am
Since then, my nervous condition has deteriorated severely with each fresh iteration of Windows. I still retain the willpower to refuse free W10 invitations.
Rob C
Post by: Zorki5 on May 29, 2016, 12:55:18 am
Luxury (said with Monty Python Yorkshire accent).
;D ;D ;D Thanks... Those cigar-smoking gentlemen reminded me something else:
"Excuse me, where is the library at?"
"Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition."
"O.K. Excuse me, where is the library at, asshole?"
Post by: Rob C on May 29, 2016, 05:50:00 am
;D ;D ;D Thanks... Those cigar-smoking gentlemen reminded me something else:
"Excuse me, where is the library at?"
"Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition."
"O.K. Excuse me, where is the library at, asshole?"
That might actually end with a visit to the infirmary.
;-)
Rob
Post by: drmike on June 06, 2016, 07:12:18 am
"And convinced her to switch to it, too"
"You mean switch from the piano you got her last month for an
anniversary present?" asked his friend Andy.
"Yup." replied Bob.
"How come?" Andy asked.
"Well," said Bob, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing along!"
Post by: mbaginy on June 06, 2016, 08:02:30 am
Splicing paper tape was the way to go.Yep, I recall programing CNC machines with toolpath in the 70s. Used paper tape until I was sure the program was okay, then copied it to an aluminum tape (blue on one side, silver on the other). Seems a thousand years ago that I learned toolpath at LeBlond in Cincinnati.
Dave
Post by: Rob C on June 13, 2016, 05:44:06 am
I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started
;-)
Rob
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 13, 2016, 05:47:53 am
I receive a text from a friend of mine that reads: "A mate of mine has two tickets for the Euro 2016 final but he didn't realise when he bought them that it's going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in Cambridge. Her name's Louise."
Jeremy
Post by: drmike on June 13, 2016, 05:58:22 am
clicked.
*********************
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The
Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
*************************
I like experimenting in the kitchen by adding German white wine to
recipes. It's nothing formal - just an add hock approach.
With apologies
mike
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 13, 2016, 11:18:53 am
I was writing "I do not have a good wifi here..." when auto-correct suggested: "I do not have a good wife" Damn, what an insight! This AI is getting real scary 😄
Post by: degrub on June 13, 2016, 11:37:52 am
Post by: RSL on June 13, 2016, 11:53:58 am
Ok, so this is not a joke, it really happened to me yesterday:
I was writing "I do not have a good wifi here..." when auto-correct suggested: "I do not have a good wife" Damn, what an insight! This AI is getting real scary 😄
Slobodan, have you passed this event on to your wife?
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 13, 2016, 02:11:53 pm
So i guess that rules out wifi extenders and additional access points ? ;)
Ha! That's a good one! :D
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 13, 2016, 02:14:12 pm
Slobodan, have you passed this event on to your wife?
I was tempted, but we've been separated and divorcing, which makes the whole auto-correct thing even more eerie :)
Post by: RSL on June 13, 2016, 02:37:51 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 13, 2016, 03:17:38 pm
So i guess that rules out wifi extenders and additional access points ? ;)
And on a related note:
Post by: Rob C on June 13, 2016, 04:47:12 pm
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
Post by: sierraman on June 14, 2016, 11:55:10 am
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a Chicken "Sedan!"
(Guess you have to be in the Automotive business)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 14, 2016, 02:27:37 pm
Why does a Chicken Coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a Chicken "Sedan!"
(Guess you have to be in the Automotive business)
And you have to pronounce "coupé" the American way, too.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 14, 2016, 02:30:26 pm
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
Reminds me of one of the most famous Spitting Image sketches: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPzzgE34YQY.
Jeremy
Post by: sierraman on June 14, 2016, 02:51:34 pm
And you have to pronounce "coupé" the American way, too.
Jeremy
That's right. 1 syllable in America. :)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 14, 2016, 06:26:20 pm
Post by: Redcrown on June 14, 2016, 07:06:39 pm
Post by: Rob C on June 19, 2016, 11:14:14 am
As she shut the door, she asked me a question.
She said...."Who was that guy?"
Post by: GrahamBy on June 19, 2016, 04:58:07 pm
My uncle fought in WWII France. He told a story of passing through French towns during the liberation. When the French shouted greetings to the American soldiers they would answer, "Chev-roo-lay Coo-pay."
They probably thought they were asking for some goat meat...
Post by: Rob C on June 20, 2016, 04:24:36 am
They probably thought they were asking for some goat meat...
And to think that had they been given some, fast food might never have been invented!
Rob
Post by: Zorki5 on June 21, 2016, 09:01:37 pm
My uncle fought in WWII France. He told a story of passing through French towns during the liberation. When the French shouted greetings to the American soldiers they would answer, "Chev-roo-lay Coo-pay."
Reminded me of one anecdote from Soviet times... Hope there are enough people over here to understand the context :)
Brezhnev visits some south-eastern Soviet republic and is greeted by the huge crowd.
Somebody from the crowd: "Salamu alaykum!"
Brezhnev: "Alaykum salamu..."
Somebody else from the crowd: "GULAG Archipelago!"
Brezhnev: "Archipelago gulag..."
Post by: Rob C on June 22, 2016, 10:47:13 am
(This is the right thread, innit?)
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on June 22, 2016, 11:12:32 am
I'm going to buy the new Hasselblad tomorrow.That's much funnier than anything in the actual Hassy thread. ;)
(This is the right thread, innit?)
Rob
Post by: Rob C on June 22, 2016, 03:11:20 pm
Sold the watch then.
;)
Even funnier: the repair, when it's done, will cost me almost exactly ten times what I paid for the entire thing back in '72. And a replacement bracelet, had I rashly decided to do without the one adapted by time, and that now swings round and round my wrist as if with a life of its own, would have set me back € 1200 just for that ultimate in giggles! Think of the talking point I'd have sacrificed to be seen with a bracelet just like all the others!
;-)
Rob
Post by: Zorki5 on June 22, 2016, 03:20:22 pm
Quote
There ainn't no such thing as too much drama in a dramatic shot. 8)
and then recalled this video... enjoy (esp. if you haven't see it already): Your Daily Dose of Drama (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fE5rZls4J4s) :D
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 22, 2016, 04:08:54 pm
... and then recalled this video...
:D ;D ;D
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on June 22, 2016, 07:54:35 pm
Post by: Rob C on June 23, 2016, 08:29:37 am
Now that would be worth recording too!
;-)
Rob
Post by: Rob C on June 23, 2016, 09:14:27 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61oJT-d900
Rob
Post by: Rob C on June 29, 2016, 04:17:32 am
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the
sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts forthe sheerest item, pays the £500, and takes it
home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him. Upstairs the wifethinks (she's nodummy), 'I have an
idea. It's so sheer that it might as well benothing.I won't put it on,
but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon .
Post by: Tony Jay on June 29, 2016, 05:27:47 am
The Sheer Nightgown.Ouch!!
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the
sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts forthe sheerest item, pays the £500, and takes it
home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him. Upstairs the wifethinks (she's nodummy), 'I have an
idea. It's so sheer that it might as well benothing.I won't put it on,
but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon .
Post by: drmike on June 30, 2016, 02:59:01 am
complain: about the nurses, the food, the hard bed, the boredom. A nurse
told me he couldn't help it, he was in a critical condition.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 30, 2016, 02:12:07 pm
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on June 30, 2016, 04:07:36 pm
For when you decide not to buy that damned camera.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61oJT-d900
Rob
Thanks Rob, Fats has been one of my favorites since high school.
Post by: RSL on June 30, 2016, 04:13:20 pm
I was in hospital last week and the bloke in the next bed did nothing but
complain: about the nurses, the food, the hard bed, the boredom. A nurse
told me he couldn't help it, he was in a critical condition.
Good grief, Mike. Shame. . . shame. . .
Post by: Justinr on July 03, 2016, 03:51:32 am
Someone from the Ramblers' Association cold-called me last week. Couldn't get him off the phone.
Jeremy
It could have been worse, it could have been Janet Street-Porter herself!
Post by: Rob C on July 03, 2016, 06:27:19 am
Electile Dysfunction.
Post by: GrahamBy on July 03, 2016, 06:35:47 am
Electile Dysfunction.
I'm stealing this...
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 03, 2016, 10:05:06 am
...Electile Dysfunction.
Which goes, hand in hand, with Obama's premature evacuation (from Iraq, enabling ISIS).
Post by: Rob C on July 05, 2016, 04:01:05 am
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,"At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink. Then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Post by: Redcrown on July 08, 2016, 12:46:35 pm
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
15) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
16) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
17) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
18) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Post by: Zorki5 on July 08, 2016, 01:33:41 pm
A few thoughts on the English language
:)
English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiVs05yq9-o)
Post by: petermfiore on July 08, 2016, 01:51:09 pm
:)
English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiVs05yq9-o)
When read, we read it correctly...it's all in the context. Most of the time.
Peter
Post by: drmike on July 08, 2016, 02:16:04 pm
How to start your weekend with a positive outlook
1. Open a new file in your PC
2. Name it "Michael Gove"
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of Michael Gove?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 08, 2016, 03:02:33 pm
A few thoughts on the English languageAnd I'd been thinking recently that a person who sews should be called a sewer.
Post by: RSL on July 08, 2016, 03:55:04 pm
When read, we read it correctly...it's all in the context. Most of the time.
Peter
Kind of like photography.
Post by: RSL on July 08, 2016, 04:06:30 pm
:)
English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiVs05yq9-o)
Thanks, Zorki. That's a great link. Love it.
Reminds me of George Bernard Shaw's "ghoti," fish.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 08, 2016, 06:59:32 pm
Shall be pronounced "plow."
"Zat's easy w'en you know," I say,
"Mon Anglais, I'll get through!"
My teacher say zat in zat case,
O-u-g-h is "oo."
And zen I laugh and say to him,
"Zees Anglais make me cough."
He say "Not 'coo' but in zat word,
O-u-g-h is 'off,'"
"Oh, Sacre bleu! Such varied sounds
Of words make me hiccough!"
He say, "Again mon frien' ees wrong;
O-u-g-h is 'up'
In hiccough." Zen I cry, "No more,
You make my t'roat feel rough."
"Non, non!" he cry, "You are not right;
O-u-g-h is 'uff.'"
I say, "I try to spik your words,
I cannot spik zem though."
"In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong!
O-u-g-h is 'owe'"
"I'll try no more, I s'all go mad,
I'll drown me in ze lough!"
"But ere you drown yourself," said he,
"O-u-g-h is 'ock.'"
He taught no more, I held him fast
And killed him wiz a rough.
Jeremy
Post by: aduke on July 08, 2016, 09:21:19 pm
Alan
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 09, 2016, 12:41:22 am
Jeremy, a wonderful demonstration of English variation.+1.
Post by: Kumar on July 09, 2016, 08:46:01 am
A few thoughts on the English language
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMZsDaTxaKo
Kumar
Post by: Rajan Parrikar on July 09, 2016, 07:30:25 pm
PS: In Strandir, Iceland - American couple didn't realize the route had been washed away due to heavy rain.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 09, 2016, 08:47:02 pm
Nice place to park. (http://www.dv.is/frettir/2016/7/9/vegurinn-i-sundur-vid-kaldbaksvik-bill-erlendra-ferdamanna-fram-af-bruninni/)Probably busy talking on their cell phones, even if they had no service there.
PS: In Strandir, Iceland - American couple didn't realize the route had been washed away due to heavy rain.
Post by: petermfiore on July 10, 2016, 09:00:15 am
And I'd been thinking recently that a person who sews should be called a sewer.
Eric, let's face it, sometimes English stinks...
Peter
Post by: Justinr on July 12, 2016, 04:38:43 am
http://uglybelgianhouses.tumblr.com/
(Apologies to any of our Belgian friends here)
Post by: Rob C on July 13, 2016, 03:57:02 am
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses
Post by: Chairman Bill on July 13, 2016, 04:08:54 am
Post by: Zorki5 on July 13, 2016, 08:49:52 am
Which should cause us to wonder at the marvel that is Mother Nature. She gave us ears, nose & eyes, all in just the right place to enable the wearing of spectacles. Amazing foresight.
Not only that, but the distance between my ears happens to exactly match that between my glasses' temples! I find that extraordinary, and extremely convenient. Thanks, Mother Nature!
Post by: Rob C on July 13, 2016, 08:55:12 am
Not only that, but the distance between my ears happens to exactly match that between my glasses' temples! I find that extraordinary, and extremely convenient. Thanks, Mother Nature!
Mine remains uncharted territory.
There could be a lot; there could be very little, but certainly there be no dragons.
Post by: Chairman Bill on July 13, 2016, 08:58:44 am
Susie: Well Miss, we had fireworks and a bonfire with a guy on top and we burnt it all up and it was lovely.
Miss: Well that's nice, Susie. Thanks for sharing that with us. Anyone else?
Billy: Miss, we had a bonfire and fireworks and we waved sparklers in the air and I wrote my name with them.
Miss: That's lovely, Billy. Anyone else?
Johnny: Miss, we 'ad a bonfire and fireworks, and stuffed bangers up frogs' arses.
Miss: Rectum, Johnny, rectum!
Johnny: Wrecked 'em Miss? It f***ing blew 'em to smithereens.
Post by: drmike on July 13, 2016, 02:16:48 pm
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down__
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
Post by: Rob C on July 14, 2016, 04:31:24 am
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack, selling neckties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only five dollars."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two kilometres, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,
"They won't let me in without a tie."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 14, 2016, 04:35:27 am
The barman says "Sorry, gentlemen - you can't come in here without a Thai".
Jeremy
Post by: Chairman Bill on July 14, 2016, 04:36:34 am
Blacksmith: So tell me Murphy, have you ever shoed a horse before?
Murphy: Ah, to be sure I haven't, but I did once tell a pig to feck off
Post by: RSL on July 14, 2016, 10:52:14 am
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Japanese, a Chinese, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, an American, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Welshman, another Englishman, a Cuban, an Australian, a Brazilian and a Portuguese walk into an upmarket bar.
The barman says "Sorry, gentlemen - you can't come in here without a Thai".
Jeremy
Shame! Shame! Jeremy.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 14, 2016, 01:23:56 pm
Shame! Shame! Jeremy.And If I had been telling it, I would have said "another American" instead of "another Englishman."
8)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 14, 2016, 01:28:58 pm
Post by: Justinr on July 14, 2016, 02:15:31 pm
Rob, that Taliban joke is phenomenally well put together (whoever the author is). I can almost hear the accents and see the characters. And I can envision a Monty Python skit based on that.
It is also rather ancient.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 16, 2016, 04:40:44 am
Shame! Shame! Jeremy.
You're right, Russ. I forgot the German and the Turk.
Jeremy
Post by: Justinr on July 16, 2016, 04:47:11 am
You're right, Russ. I forgot the German and the Turk.
Jeremy
I should imagine they had other things on their mind.
Post by: Rob C on July 18, 2016, 04:15:22 am
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
That is a solution .....!!!
Post by: Rob C on July 18, 2016, 04:17:28 am
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.
Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin, with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement, Kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.
The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little $5. Dollar Reject shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today!
Just one Hard Wack to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....The' Croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and I got the lot.
ps:- I luv that Croc
Post by: degrub on July 18, 2016, 10:28:27 am
That reminds me of a T shirt we were given in hazmat training. On the back it said " if you see me running.....keep up"
Post by: Chairman Bill on July 18, 2016, 11:04:36 am
Post by: Rob C on July 23, 2016, 03:36:30 pm
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mummy’, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’.
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘What colour was your hair two years ago?’
‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?’
‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an “F” in sex’
Post by: pegelli on July 23, 2016, 03:50:52 pm
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .
Post by: Rob C on July 23, 2016, 04:33:48 pm
Since there is so much politics in other threads here:
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .
Very clever!
Rob
Post by: Rob C on July 23, 2016, 05:22:34 pm
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 23, 2016, 08:14:55 pm
... ‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an “F” in sex’
(http://i862.photobucket.com/albums/ab187/rocker_4u/Unnamedggdgdgd.gif)
Post by: Rob C on July 25, 2016, 04:08:53 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 25, 2016, 10:07:13 am
Post by: Rob C on July 25, 2016, 02:38:10 pm
This “duel” would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”
The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”
Post by: Zorki5 on July 25, 2016, 03:16:45 pm
The Israelis replied. ...
Heck, didn't see that coming! I was sure they would just all place huge bets on the Arabian dog... :-[
Post by: drmike on July 26, 2016, 02:51:40 am
appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma on the wall.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome young man with the same name, who
had been in my secondary school class forty something years before. Could
he be the same person who I had had a secret crush on all those years
ago? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly forgot any such thought. This
balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to
have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Range Court
school.
"Yes, yes, I did," he said with pride.
"When did you leave to go to university?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1972. Why do you ask?"
"I think you were in my class at school" I replied.
He looked at me very closely. Then that bald, wrinkled, decrepit old
man, said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember you. What did you teach?"
Post by: Rob C on July 26, 2016, 04:33:53 am
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a
high bridge, about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since
you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you,
how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and
wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump......... See? Suicide counseling works!
Post by: Zorki5 on July 26, 2016, 04:53:52 am
When I was shopping for one a while ago, saw this on Sony's online shop page:
Post by: Rob C on July 26, 2016, 02:17:55 pm
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore!
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
Post by: petermfiore on July 26, 2016, 04:44:55 pm
Dear Agony Aunt,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore!
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
Good one, but it's now been going on 16 years, this January, for the poor guy...
Peter
Post by: Zorki5 on July 27, 2016, 01:47:18 pm
I once heard an anecdote:
During a high-level meeting at an engineering company, everyone was staring, grimly, at the chart showing that their monthly revenue figures were going to sh!t -- lower every month for the whole last year. They didn't know how they could show something like that to the board...
Then a PhD present at the meeting said: "Primitive function of a non-negative function is an increasing function". When his less mathematically-savvy colleagues asked to explain what he meant, he said that instead of showing monthly figures they should show cumulative values. Voila, problem was "solved"!
What I do find funny is that every now and then I stumble upon an example of this "positive thinking" in real life. Just today Thom Hogan posted this upbeat report (http://www.dslrbodies.com/newsviews/new-nikon-105mm-f14e-lens.html) on his site:
(http://www.dslrbodies.com/_Media/bythom_nikon_lens_productio_med.jpeg)
Post by: GrahamBy on August 04, 2016, 09:14:57 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg
Post by: PeterAit on August 04, 2016, 10:22:53 am
"The oyster guy brings them."
Post by: Otto Phocus on August 04, 2016, 11:16:56 am
True story: when in Toronto a while back we went to a restaurant that specializes in Canadian oysters. Being curious I asked the server "Where do you get your oysters?" (as in Nova Scotia, British Columbia, etc). The answer?
"The oyster guy brings them."
Technically that was the correct answer ;D
Post by: Rob C on August 04, 2016, 11:31:41 am
For example;
"How did you sleep, Captain Obvious?"
"I close my eyes and it just happens."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on August 04, 2016, 12:19:28 pm
"How did you find the steak, Sir?"
"I just lifted up a chip* and there it was."
Jeremy
* French fry
Post by: Peter McLennan on August 04, 2016, 02:57:49 pm
Post by: Justinr on August 04, 2016, 04:31:37 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wgcA2J557Q
Post by: wmchauncey on August 07, 2016, 11:03:25 am
Post by: Zorki5 on August 09, 2016, 02:21:51 am
EUROPEAN DIRECTIVE
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year plan that would be known as Euro English".
In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C" . Sertainly, this will
make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "C" will be dropped in
favour of the letter "K". This should klear up konfusion and musik
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
tiresome "PH" will be replaced with the "F". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also al wi agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the language
is disgrasful, and should be don away with.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH"
with "Z" and "W" with "V". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "O" kan be
dropd from vords kontaning "OU" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evriven vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
Post by: degrub on August 09, 2016, 07:14:55 pm
Post by: drmike on September 07, 2016, 06:41:51 am
Post by: GrahamBy on September 07, 2016, 06:46:54 am
Post by: drmike on September 13, 2016, 07:38:47 am
It's a shitzu.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 13, 2016, 01:19:45 pm
A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in the entire zoo.
It's a shitzu.
That one is improved if one adds ", a dog" after "zoo".
Jeremy
Post by: schertz on September 13, 2016, 01:56:39 pm
I don't think I ever saw those, but I am reminded of an exchange in a restaurant:
"How did you find the steak, Sir?"
"I just lifted up a chip* and there it was."
Jeremy
* French fry
Post by: Rob C on September 13, 2016, 05:33:09 pm
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and
Mike had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she
welcomed Mike in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?"
she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite
to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Is that so?" asked Mike incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd
screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Mike said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"It's the TWIST, Mom , The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!"
Post by: degrub on September 13, 2016, 08:02:47 pm
reminds me of a girlfriend i one had...
Post by: drmike on September 29, 2016, 04:51:52 pm
hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: "Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realises
that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This
time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with
the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert
notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which
they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's
decomposing."
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 29, 2016, 07:45:05 pm
Post by: drmike on October 05, 2016, 02:38:47 pm
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I
want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me
old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I
want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of
the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah.
"Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all
the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . .
sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish"
God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more
specific Noah, I want Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies.
"OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check" "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check" "And
you want it full of Carp?" "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed
Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
**Incidentally I take no credit for any of these I steal them from this guy Squiffy's House of Fun - Squffy (https://www.facebook.com/laugh4MS/) with his consent and my donation.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on October 14, 2016, 09:20:24 am
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point, the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Post by: Rob C on October 15, 2016, 04:29:48 am
Rob
Post by: Rob C on October 20, 2016, 04:17:42 am
Mr Corbyn was visiting a London Primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Corbyn if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “Tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of “Tragedy”.
A little boy stood up and offered “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy”.
“Incorrect” said Corbyn. “That would be an accident”.
A little girl raised her hand “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy”.
“I’m afraid not” explained Corbyn: “That’s what we would refer to as a great loss”.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Corbyn searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy ?”
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said “If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls, Mrs Harman and all the other Labour Party members was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy”.
“Fantastic” exclaimed Corbyn, “ and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy ?”
“Well” said Johnny, “ it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a bloody accident either”.
Post by: mbaginy on October 20, 2016, 04:38:01 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq_ZosSy_9I&app=desktopRob, this is the first time I've smiled during those three debates. Thanks for that link!
Rob
Post by: Rob C on October 20, 2016, 08:09:49 am
Rob, this is the first time I've smiled during those three debates. Thanks for that link!
I couldn't let myself watch the Love in Las Vegas episode, and my tv conspired to help by blowing the satellite cable booster box and forcing me, this morning, to pull out the unit housing a lot of books etc. in order to disconnect the damned thing and prepare to take it to the shop later today and buy a replcment booster unit. I made a couple of masking tape tickets which I stuck to the cables, so I hope to be able to reconnect it all without further trouble, or at least without having to pony up for a call-out charge as well as the repairs! Boy, these shops think of everything with which to pad an invoice.
Anyway, a word on Mr Turmp:
Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.
Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:
370HSSV 0773H
Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his wife and children.
Neither she nor the children had any clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA.
They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply:
"Tell Mr Trump that he's holding the message upside down."
Rob
Post by: degrub on October 21, 2016, 11:02:12 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 21, 2016, 11:26:29 am
Brilliant ! ;)+100.
Post by: Patricia Sheley on October 21, 2016, 12:18:15 pm
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/20/opinion/bad-hombres-nasty-women-the-presidential-debate-in-song.html?emc=edit_th_20161021&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=69908007&_r=0
Post by: mbaginy on October 21, 2016, 01:28:50 pm
Patricia, it was only a matter of time until Weird Al got into the act. Enjoyable! As for Trump, I wish they were coming to take him away...
Post by: Rob C on October 21, 2016, 03:45:31 pm
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.” "The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded. "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the fookken skippin."
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 21, 2016, 06:03:59 pm
At first, I thought that plan might work for me, but since my sense of balance is getting a bit off (even when I'm sober), I think I'd best leave out the skippin. ;)
Post by: Rob C on October 22, 2016, 04:25:10 am
Beautiful, Rob.
At first, I thought that plan might work for me, but since my sense of balance is getting a bit off (even when I'm sober), I think I'd best leave out the skippin. ;)
Eric, as people can cycle lying on their backs on the sitting room carpet, surely skippin' can't be that more difficult? Of course, you'd probably have to do it from the elbows outwards, so that could raise difficulties, if not only the hips. I must try it one evening if the computer lets me go.
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 22, 2016, 08:00:01 am
Do film your attempts and post them here.
Eric, as people can cycle lying on their backs on the sitting room carpet, surely skippin' can't be that more difficult? Of course, you'd probably have to do it from the elbows outwards, so that could raise difficulties, if not only the hips. I must try it one evening if the computer lets me go.
Rob
Eric
Post by: Rob C on October 22, 2016, 08:48:12 am
Do film your attempts and post them here.
Eric
What??? And ruin my carefully-crafted image as twenty-five-year-old 007? Never!
;-)
Post by: Chairman Bill on October 22, 2016, 09:00:22 am
It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.
When I was at school, my maths teacher said I was average ... I think that was mean.
A friend of mine runs a fish shop. He's growing a herb garden out the back, so next year there will be a thyme and a plaice for everything.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 22, 2016, 10:25:24 am
Post by: Rob C on October 22, 2016, 11:19:23 am
Rob
Post by: Chairman Bill on October 23, 2016, 01:08:36 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 23, 2016, 01:12:02 pm
A mate of mine has died today. He was photographing a steam train on the West Somerset Railway, tripped & fell under the train. On the plus side, it's the way he'd want to go, so I expect he was chuffed to bits.
And on similar lines, at the funeral of a friend of mine who had drowned, I brought a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It was what he would have wanted.
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on October 23, 2016, 04:08:54 pm
Very pungent, Bill.
I'll say! Pheeeww!
Post by: RSL on October 23, 2016, 04:10:14 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 24, 2016, 03:58:25 am
Don't remember where I read this, but somebody said: "When I die I want to be buried in Chicago. I'd like to stay politically active."
Probably said by the same chap who observed that in Chicago, an honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on October 24, 2016, 04:27:33 am
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew overhead and I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit!"
"It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.
Post by: GrahamBy on October 24, 2016, 06:38:39 am
"It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.
Ha, got me :)
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 24, 2016, 09:02:37 am
Ha, got me :)Me too. ;D
Post by: RSL on October 24, 2016, 09:17:59 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on October 24, 2016, 09:22:12 am
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Post by: Chairman Bill on October 24, 2016, 09:42:26 am
Post by: Chairman Bill on October 24, 2016, 09:46:14 am
I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on October 24, 2016, 09:59:25 am
... "It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.
On that theme... how did Captain Hook die? Used the wrong hand to wipe his a$$.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 24, 2016, 03:35:18 pm
I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.
I heard of a chap who died after drinking a pint of varnish. It was a dreadful end, but a lovely finish.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 24, 2016, 03:36:39 pm
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The barman says "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?" and the pirate replies "Aaarr. It's driving me nuts".
Jeremy
Post by: Otto Phocus on October 25, 2016, 06:33:46 am
The police are looking for the hardened criminals.
Post by: Rob C on October 26, 2016, 02:11:52 pm
JUNE 2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening:
Terrorists Discovered ............................................. 0
Transvestites ....................................................... 133
Hernias ............................................................... 1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases ................................................ 3,172
Enlarged Prostates ................................................ 8,249
Breast Implants ....................................................59,350
Natural Blondes .................................................... 3
It was also discovered: 308 Politicians had no balls.
Post by: Zorki5 on October 26, 2016, 02:30:57 pm
Airport Body Scans Results
JUNE 2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening:
Terrorists Discovered ............................................. 0
Transvestites ....................................................... 133
Hernias ............................................................... 1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases ................................................ 3,172
Enlarged Prostates ................................................ 8,249
Breast Implants ....................................................59,350
Natural Blondes .................................................... 3
It was also discovered: 308 Politicians had no balls.
<sigh...>
I bet when they add anal probes to full body screening, public uproar (or should I say "objections"?) will last just a couple of weeks, maximum.
And majority of complaints will be about TSA not using enough lub.
Post by: Rob C on November 11, 2016, 12:27:44 pm
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 11, 2016, 12:35:45 pm
...
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!
All are good, but this one grabbed my attention (pardon the pun). So true, it's scary.
Post by: Rob C on November 15, 2016, 03:58:36 am
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or
with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the
lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both
are fatal
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 15, 2016, 09:32:58 am
Post by: Rob C on November 15, 2016, 10:31:03 am
Sheer poetry, Rob! ;D
I know, I know, but I felt we need it on Lula these days: so depressing to have these interminable threads on politics that can't possibly change a hot damned thing. How divisive these things can actually become.
Not a lot else seems to be going down, I'm sorry to say. (But even that innocent remark could be open to misinterpretation.)
Might take a brief holiday and inspect my navel a little bit; too cold and miserable to do much else, but I am invited to lunch on
Thursday: my usual restaurant's closing down until March, and they have an annual, end-of-season family do in the place, to which this is a summons. Which feels kinda nice.
Big problem, though, is where the hell else to eat until they reopen ?
Rob
Post by: PeterAit on November 15, 2016, 12:02:39 pm
The doctor replied: Tell him I won't be able to see him.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 15, 2016, 12:05:02 pm
I look forward to your photos of your navel.
Post by: Rob C on November 16, 2016, 06:00:02 am
Rob
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 16, 2016, 07:24:36 am
Post by: eronald on November 16, 2016, 09:01:31 am
Edmund
There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or
with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the
lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both
are fatal
Post by: eronald on November 16, 2016, 09:06:36 am
The server runs after him in the street and asks "why no pay and worse, no tip"? Panda answers "look it up in the encyclopedia: A Panda eats shoots and leaves" .
Emund
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 16, 2016, 10:25:58 am
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 16, 2016, 11:40:12 am
Post by: Patricia Sheley on November 16, 2016, 12:45:02 pm
Bill, your stand up is a welcome respite and a hoot to boot.
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 16, 2016, 12:58:11 pm
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 16, 2016, 01:38:34 pm
Post by: Patricia Sheley on November 16, 2016, 01:59:10 pm
Well Bill, thank you for the entertainment...I FINALLY noticed your website. The work is gorgeous. I will never try to judge an image posted here again in all likelihood. I never am able to come close when attempting to share something that is striking me in a good way...my lack of posting prep skills. From now on when I see yours I will seek them on your site.
I really need to bring back a proper presence on the web, but am thriving on my new childhood way too much. So glad I'm finally on to your "other" presence. And thanks for the education. I won't miss the treat of yours again.
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 16, 2016, 03:34:53 pm
Post by: eronald on November 17, 2016, 12:11:26 am
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
I think you need to mansplain this one.
E.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 18, 2016, 04:06:27 am
Jeremy
(from the Edinburgh Fringe, this year)
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 18, 2016, 04:10:22 am
I think you need to mansplain this one.
E.
It's a take on the question, 'If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one to hear it, does it make a sound?'
Post by: eronald on November 18, 2016, 05:12:30 am
It's a take on the question, 'If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one to hear it, does it make a sound?'
and here i was trying to be witty.
maybe I should forget humor and try something simpler eg. -photography .
Edmund
Post by: Otto Phocus on November 18, 2016, 06:33:21 am
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
This is quite easy to explain.
Since a man is wrong at the moment of speaking, the recipient or lack of a recipient of the message is irrelevant.
However, since the man was inconsiderate enough to make this mistake without his lady being present, thereby denying her the opportunity to comment, he is doubly wrong.
Besides, what was the man doing in the woods in the first place? There is a list of stuff that needs to be done at the house; so that's his third mistake.
Was the man trying to get away from the woman? That's now a "Relationship Issue" and he is automatically wrong.
This guy is having a bad day. ;D
Post by: JimAscher on November 18, 2016, 11:16:50 am
and here i was trying to be witty.
maybe I should forget humor and try something simpler eg. -photography .
Edmund
Your quip was VERY witty. I'm a bit surprised there could apparently be anyone out there who didn't get it.
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 18, 2016, 11:36:56 am
and here i was trying to be witty.
maybe I should forget humor and try something simpler eg. -photography .
Edmund
Apologies for missing it. Your use of 'mansplain' should have been the giveaway
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 18, 2016, 01:06:58 pm
Apologies for missing it. Your use of 'mansplain' should have been the giveawayYes it should.
But you still do great tree photos, Bill.
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 18, 2016, 02:00:47 pm
By the way, I've bought a new book titled ‘Teach Yourself X-Ray Vision’. I’ve just been having a look through it.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 18, 2016, 02:08:41 pm
... By the way, I've bought a new book titled ‘Teach Yourself X-Ray Vision’. I’ve just been having a look through it.
Speaking of books... there are two videos on YouTube about reading books with fake titles on the subway:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rISX9x2cFjU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LyVVbhvStk
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 18, 2016, 02:32:20 pm
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 18, 2016, 02:53:39 pm
Post by: eronald on November 18, 2016, 09:46:12 pm
Englishman and a Frenchman go for dinner. Both order the trout. The Englishman loves it. The Frenchman hates it. But you know what they say, one man's fish is another man's poisson ...
This old and stinking pun is both fish and foul.
(btw that is a joke ...)
Edmund
Post by: pegelli on November 19, 2016, 11:16:46 am
Post by: eronald on November 19, 2016, 06:28:23 pm
(https://photos.smugmug.com/photos/i-gc7C3M7/0/O/i-gc7C3M7.jpg) (https://pegelli.smugmug.com/Other/My-Smug-Mug/n-SzsWG/i-gc7C3M7/A)
Is that burlesque humor or just a comic strip?
Edmund
Post by: pegelli on November 20, 2016, 04:31:31 am
Is that burlesque humor or just a comic strip?Probably both ;)
Edmund
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 20, 2016, 04:50:04 am
Post by: drmike on November 20, 2016, 04:51:16 am
Post by: mediumcool on November 20, 2016, 06:27:16 am
My father's trying to persuade me to get an organ donor card. He's a man after my own heart.
That’s a Tim Vine sort of joke!
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 20, 2016, 07:16:02 am
That’s a Tim Vine sort of joke!
Tim Vine is a genius
Post by: Zorki5 on November 20, 2016, 09:03:34 am
Tim Vine is a genius
And guess what, I've never heard of him! So thanks for the reference. A couple of winners by Tim:
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 20, 2016, 01:00:07 pm
That’s a Tim Vine sort of joke!
It could well be an actual Tim Vine joke. I can never remember where I hear these things.
Jeremy
Post by: drmike on November 21, 2016, 05:45:01 am
Lois Lane has just made a cutting remark to Clark Kent. Jimmy Olsen has
overheard and is shocked:
Jimmy: Why are you always so sarcastic to Clark? Can't you think of
something wittier to say?
Clark: What's the problem, Jimmy? Don't you know that sarcasm is the
Lois form of wit?
Post by: eronald on November 21, 2016, 04:29:26 pm
The scene is the offices of The Daily Planet.
Lois Lane has just made a cutting remark to Clark Kent. Jimmy Olsen has
overheard and is shocked:
Jimmy: Why are you always so sarcastic to Clark? Can't you think of
something wittier to say?
Clark: What's the problem, Jimmy? Don't you know that sarcasm is the
Lois form of wit?
What are we getting next - jokes about the holes in Superman's briefs?
Post by: eronald on November 22, 2016, 07:47:40 am
Luckily mansplaining is not yet a criminal offense or quite a few us would be in jail :)
Edmund
Post by: Rob C on November 24, 2016, 04:49:48 am
One goes to get the food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich,
he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so
rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is
about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.
"Oh noooo!!" said the Lady, “He is doing good. Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends".
All the 3 Ladies fainted.... 😕😕😕
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 26, 2016, 02:26:22 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on November 26, 2016, 03:55:39 pm
Rob
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 26, 2016, 04:20:52 pm
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 26, 2016, 04:25:49 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 26, 2016, 07:04:44 pm
Bloke goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the barman, "A pint for me and one for the road".I've got to steal that one for use with some of my road tar images, Bill!
Post by: Chairman Bill on November 27, 2016, 11:40:40 am
Post by: Rob C on November 30, 2016, 08:34:33 am
The teacher said, "Good Morning, Class, let's begin by reviewing some History.
Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good!
Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F*** the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now !" ...she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared at the class and asked, "All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria reigning in the class, someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Crap, we are finished."
Little Akio said quietly, "Americans, now Trump is elected.”
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 30, 2016, 09:34:33 am
Comrade Assistant: "America elects Trump as President."
Fidel Castro: "Well then... Adios."
Post by: PeterAit on November 30, 2016, 09:55:32 am
The woman replied "Of course not. You have to stand on that chair and use the binoculars."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 30, 2016, 02:16:53 pm
What's perfect pitch? Chucking a viola into a toilet without hitting the sides.
How do you tell the stage is level? The violas drool out of both sides of their mouths.
How do you get a viola to play pianissimo? Write "ff solo" above the notes.
Why do violas spend so much time in the streets? They've lost the key and don't know where to come in.
The viola was crying. She told the conductor "that nasty oboe untuned one of my strings".
"That's very bad of him" said the conductor, "but there's no need to cry about it."
"He won't tell me which one!"
Jeremy
Post by: pegelli on November 30, 2016, 04:32:45 pm
The first passenger said: “I’m Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, I can’t afford to die”. So he took the first pack and jumped off the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said: “I am the newly elected US president and I will be the smartest president in US history so my people don’t want me to die”. He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy,: My son, I am old and haven’t got many years left, you have many more years left so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute”.
Then the little boy responded: “That’s OK your holiness, there’s still two parachutes left because the smartest US president took my schoolbag”.
Post by: drmike on December 01, 2016, 02:57:44 am
was showing a group of parents around the campus.
While they were walking by the Science building, a student ran
out dressed entirely in black, wearing a mask and brandishing a
sword.
One parent inquired about what she had just seen. "Wouldn't
someone running around dressed like that be a distraction to
the other students?" she asked.
"Well, yes, ordinarily," the Guide replied. "But we recently
adopted a Zorro Tolerance policy."
Post by: owinthomas on December 01, 2016, 04:27:55 pm
It could well be an actual Tim Vine joke. I can never remember where I hear these things.
Jeremy
Nope http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 02, 2016, 03:24:25 am
An airplane was about to crash and there were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachute packs.
...
I first heard that told about Kissinger. It's probably even older.
Jeremy
Post by: Otto Phocus on December 02, 2016, 06:29:39 am
I first heard that told about Kissinger. It's probably even older.
Jeremy
I think that joke has been told about pretty much every political person for the past 50+ years. :)
Post by: Rob C on December 02, 2016, 08:02:42 am
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 02, 2016, 08:23:25 am
Some are just too good to die.Like me, for instance.
Rob
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 04, 2016, 09:06:01 pm
Post by: Ray on December 04, 2016, 09:40:23 pm
Post by: jamesaz on December 05, 2016, 01:15:03 am
A Portuguese guy walks into a bar and he's got a 3 foot tall parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says " where'd you get that?" Parrot says "Portugal, there's millions of them"
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Post by: Ray on December 05, 2016, 11:10:14 pm
Post by: drmike on December 06, 2016, 02:29:30 am
Post by: Rob C on December 06, 2016, 03:57:05 am
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Scotland, Bradford,
Huddersfield, Bolton, Blackburn, South Bristol, Cork
Post by: drmike on December 06, 2016, 04:08:44 am
Not Essex though?
Post by: pegelli on December 06, 2016, 04:19:05 am
Post by: Rob C on December 06, 2016, 04:41:20 am
I must have heard this before but it lightened the start of my day :)
Not Essex though?
What could it do for the girls? I don't know, though come to think of it...
;-)
Rob
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 06, 2016, 02:17:54 pm
A bit of visual humor:
The last is wonderful.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 07, 2016, 12:56:13 pm
The philosopher says "Have you read Marx?".
The mathematician says "Yes. I think it's the wicker chairs".
Jeremy
(better spoken, of course)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 07, 2016, 12:57:55 pm
The barman says "Hey, we've a whisky named after you".
The horse says "You have a whisky called Eric?"
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 09, 2016, 04:57:40 am
Sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on December 09, 2016, 06:31:43 am
the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the Para unit, he
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Para Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous Para Sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 lean and
mean hairy arsed Para’s here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes
the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges", so the camel can stay ."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
with passion, he asks the Para Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he
asks the Sergeant, "Is that how your men do it?"
"No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 09, 2016, 08:30:36 am
Post by: PeterAit on December 09, 2016, 10:18:24 am
Post by: mediumcool on December 14, 2016, 01:04:48 am
I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."
That there is a Kiwi joke.
Post by: Otto Phocus on December 14, 2016, 06:48:06 am
Stumped, he turns to one of the Cardinals and asks "Cardinal, can you please give me a four letter English word that can mean a type of woman and it must end in UNT."
The Cardinal thinks for a moment and replies "Your Holiness, the word you are looking for is "aunt'.
The Pope, pauses for a moment and then asks "do you have an eraser?"
Post by: Rob C on December 14, 2016, 06:50:02 am
Post by: Chairman Bill on December 14, 2016, 03:34:59 pm
Post by: Rob C on December 14, 2016, 04:14:55 pm
There's a nudist convention coming to Somerset in June. I might go if I've got nothing on.
But be careful when you're there, Bill, and pay attention to this:
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Rob
Post by: sierraman on December 14, 2016, 08:43:24 pm
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Post by: Rob C on December 15, 2016, 04:43:11 am
I converted to a new faith, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning.
Post by: Otto Phocus on December 15, 2016, 06:33:08 am
The priest surmises that this man is in need of spiritual guidance and enters his side of the confessional.
But when the man does not say anything, the priest clears his throat and asks, "May I be of assistance to you, my son?"
To which the drunk replies, "I don't know, do you have any paper on your side?"
Post by: Chairman Bill on December 19, 2016, 11:16:07 am
Tragic really. A lovely lovely guy and a brilliant Vet.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 19, 2016, 03:15:29 pm
Really gutted today. A good friend of mine spent years going through medical school, working long shifts behind a bar to pay for his studies. Qualified, was finally starting to see the fruits of his labours, money rolling in, beautiful girlfriend etc etc. Stupidly...he has sex with one of his patients and now its all over for him.
Tragic really. A lovely lovely guy and a brilliant Vet.
Ha. I like that.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 19, 2016, 03:16:19 pm
Jeremy
Post by: PeterAit on December 19, 2016, 03:47:04 pm
Really gutted today. A good friend of mine spent years going through medical school, working long shifts behind a bar to pay for his studies. Qualified, was finally starting to see the fruits of his labours, money rolling in, beautiful girlfriend etc etc. Stupidly...he has sex with one of his patients and now its all over for him.
Tragic really. A lovely lovely guy and a brilliant Vet.
The fatal flaw with this one is that a person does not go to medical school to become a vet.
Post by: degrub on December 19, 2016, 04:58:57 pm
Post by: Rob C on December 19, 2016, 05:19:10 pm
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 19, 2016, 05:21:48 pm
The fatal flaw with this one is that a person does not go to medical school to become a vet.I'm going to have to ask a photographer friend who is a Vet. But around here, "people" doctors attend schools generally with the title "School of Medicine", while the other kind attend schools called "School of Veterinary Medicine," which sure sounds like a specialist type of "School of Medicine" to me.
Some, of course, also drop out of high school to join the military to become a "vet."
Post by: Tony Jay on December 19, 2016, 06:16:47 pm
Whatever official names may be given to the different faculties human doctors in training go to "medical school" and animal doctors in training go to "veterinary school".
If a university happens to have both faculties it is possible that in first year there may be interactions as students do similar courses like physics, chemistry and maths.
After that studies rapidly diverge and generally the geographic locations of the medical school and the veterinary school are far apart. The medical school would usually be attached to a big inner city academic-type hospital while the veterinary school would be located in an area where farming occurs to give veterinary students access to large domesticated animals.
I am pretty sure that someone would know of an exception to this where the medical and veterinary faculties are co-located in the same building on some university campus somewhere in the world but it would be just that - an unusual exception.
Tony Jay
Post by: degrub on December 19, 2016, 07:03:35 pm
Post by: Rob C on December 20, 2016, 09:30:42 am
ok, all nits are picked. Time to move on...
Is that a nurse's job?
Rob C
Post by: degrub on December 20, 2016, 09:36:06 am
Is that a nurse's job?
Rob C
LOL. we farmed that out to the general 'snapper brigade...... publican economizing you see ?
Post by: eronald on December 20, 2016, 10:45:17 pm
ok, all nits are picked. Time to move on...
I guess some think it was a lousy joke.
Edmund
Post by: Rob C on December 22, 2016, 03:36:46 am
No Nativity scene at Westminster this year ...
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's House of Commons this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason - they simply have not been able to find three wise men in there.
The search for a Virgin continues...
However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.
Post by: Otto Phocus on December 27, 2016, 06:19:56 am
He calls the USSS and FBI and orders a full investigation.
The Director of the FBI reports the results to the President. "Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news."
"OK, what's the good news?"
"Sir, we have analyzed the chemical composition of the urine and have determined that it belongs to the Vice President."
"That's the good news? What's the bad news?"
"Mr. President, it is your wife's handwriting."
Post by: Rob C on December 30, 2016, 03:33:54 am
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OFFICERS AND NCO'S
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was,however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General also threw him out.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'
“Well, sir,' the soldier replied, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears.”
Post by: Chairman Bill on January 03, 2017, 02:16:04 pm
Post by: Rob C on January 05, 2017, 05:34:51 am
Rob C
Post by: PeterAit on January 05, 2017, 11:30:36 am
“Yes,” the rabbi replies, “I tried it as a youth once, I am ashamed to say. It was quite tasty.”
A few minutes later, the rabbi asks the priest “Father, be honest, have you ever made love to a woman?”
The red-faced priest replies, “Once while at seminary I was tempted and succumbed.”
Says the rabbi, “It’s a lot better than bacon, isn’t it?”
Post by: Rob C on January 05, 2017, 04:27:05 pm
Post by: PeterAit on January 09, 2017, 10:18:21 am
The barkeep replied "Do you mean a martini?"
"If I want more than one, I'll let you know."
Post by: Rob C on January 09, 2017, 10:27:49 am
The Latin scholar sat down at the bar. "Barkeep," he said, "Please give me a dry martinus."
The barkeep replied "Do you mean a martini?"
"If I want more than one, I'll let you know."
Think of the confusion wrought by the movie character named Paparazzo. From a mere name it became a style of snapper, and its plural, as used to describe a snap of such snappers, also confuses to this day: should it be paparazzos or paparazzi? Guess it depends on which lingo one is using. Deep!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoNsKZrT0wo
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 09, 2017, 12:31:02 pm
Think of the confusion wrought by the movie character named Paparazzo. From a mere name it became a style of snapper, and its plural, as used to describe a snap of such snappers, also confuses to this day: should it be paparazzos or paparazzi? Guess it depends on which lingo one is using. Deep!And the Hebrew version might be Paparazzim.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoNsKZrT0wo
Rob
Post by: Rob C on January 09, 2017, 03:06:47 pm
And the Hebrew version might be Paparazzim.
Now we are truly lost!
;-)
Rob
Post by: PeterAit on January 12, 2017, 08:35:11 am
"Hi," he said, "do you know who I am?"
"No," she replied, "but if you ask the nurse she'll tell you."
Post by: Rob C on January 13, 2017, 04:18:19 am
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
Post by: Rob C on January 16, 2017, 08:56:56 am
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Post by: Chairman Bill on January 18, 2017, 03:28:32 pm
... it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", 34-23-34, about 8 stone, good cook too ... She'll be the one in the white dress.
Post by: Rob C on January 24, 2017, 05:09:22 am
'Scuse me mate’ she says. ‘I ain't being funny or nuffink, but whys one of your wellies got an L on it and the uvas got an R?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So that's why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 24, 2017, 12:50:51 pm
Jeremy
The heretic
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist...?" He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God."
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God."
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Post by: Rob C on January 27, 2017, 04:33:31 am
'I'll be back tomorror afternoon to pick it up.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'it's mayonnaise.'
Post by: PeterAit on January 27, 2017, 08:24:40 am
The second man prays, “God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees a hammer, saw, and nails. He builds a boat and paddles across the river.
The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.
Post by: Rob C on January 27, 2017, 11:19:59 am
Three men are trekking through the forest and come to a wide and dangerous river. One man prays, “God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees he now has a powerful swimmer’s physique. He jumps in and swims across the river.
The second man prays, “God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees a hammer, saw, and nails. He builds a boat and paddles across the river.
The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.
Now that would have got Mrs Clinton elected!
Rob C
Post by: Rob C on January 27, 2017, 11:21:46 am
The paramedics arrive and drag her out and onto the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god’ shrieks Miss Essex, ‘I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
Post by: PeterAit on January 27, 2017, 11:30:17 am
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash.
The paramedics arrive and drag her out and onto the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god’ shrieks Miss Essex, ‘I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 27, 2017, 11:40:47 am
... The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.
That would be fake news. This is the real one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15725/The-real-reason-women-read-maps.html - The real reason women can't read maps ;)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 27, 2017, 02:38:41 pm
Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"
Similar lines. See here (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Essex_girl).
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 27, 2017, 07:14:08 pm
Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"So I guess it's because there isn't a region in the UK called "blond." ;)
Post by: drmike on January 28, 2017, 02:50:16 am
That would be fake news. This is the real one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15725/The-real-reason-women-read-maps.html - The real reason women can't read maps ;)
I'm a little surprised to see a US member quoting the Daily Mail. Is it a popular source of 'news' with a UK bias in the US?
Referring to someone as a Daily Mail reader isn't always a compliment in the UK.
(Give me a moment while I look for my flameproof trousers)
Mike
Post by: jeremyrh on January 28, 2017, 11:16:35 am
Referring to someone as a Daily Mail reader isn't always a compliment in the UK.Understatement :-)
Post by: jeremyrh on January 28, 2017, 11:19:24 am
Choirboy - "Father, what are you doing?"
Priest - "It's called masturbation, and you'll be doing it soon"
Choirboy - "Why?"
Priest - "Because my wrist is killing me"
Post by: drmike on January 29, 2017, 06:42:51 am
It's been going round saying "I could have been a Hurricane, you know"
Post by: Rob C on January 30, 2017, 09:25:16 am
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
Rob
Post by: petermfiore on January 30, 2017, 10:35:21 am
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
Rob
Experience goes a LONG way...
Peter
Post by: Otto Phocus on January 30, 2017, 11:06:28 am
Experience goes a LONG way...
Peter
Find them hot, leave them wet as my firefighter friend tells me
Post by: Chairman Bill on January 31, 2017, 06:33:50 pm
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
Then the lady sat opposite replied:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
Surprised, I said to the doctor: "Is this the psychiatric ward?"
"No,", he said. "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
Post by: degrub on January 31, 2017, 07:35:09 pm
Frank
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 31, 2017, 08:15:03 pm
Oh Lord, i love it ;D ;D ;DMe too!
Frank
Post by: pcgpcg on January 31, 2017, 09:30:11 pm
Post by: Rob C on February 01, 2017, 03:31:40 am
I hurt my arm this morning and was in hospital for an X-ray. As I was waiting to be seen, the chap next to me said:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
Then the lady sat opposite replied:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
Surprised, I said to the doctor: "Is this the psychiatric ward?"
"No,", he said. "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
They are both the same thing.
;-)
Rob
Post by: Redcrown on February 01, 2017, 04:05:55 pm
I'm often left curious by some of the British humor found here, and the fact that some of it is beyond comprehension for the U.S. audience. Other cultures as well, I suppose.
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
Post by: Rob C on February 01, 2017, 04:25:06 pm
Dear British Brothers,
I'm often left curious by some of the British humor found here, and the fact that some of it is beyond comprehension for the U.S. audience. Other cultures as well, I suppose.
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
Robert Burns is a famous, dead Scottish poet; he is celebrated once a year by a feast, where haggis is served.
In my post I was being a tad sarcastic, as in my own opinion he's only famous because he had precious little competiton at home. I expect the entire population of Ecosse gets it, but not sure about England, Ireland or Wales.
Rob
Post by: athegn on February 01, 2017, 04:30:26 pm
[/quote]
Most Brits would get it, but then most Brits don't like Burns; except on "Burns Night" when the whiskey is flowing.
I have presided over a "Burns Night" dinner when the Haggis was ritually killed.
Post by: Rob C on February 01, 2017, 04:42:24 pm
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
Most Brits would get it, but then most Brits don't like Burns; except on "Burns Night" when the whiskey is flowing.
I have presided over a "Burns Night" dinner when the Haggis was ritually killed.
Never! In Scotland we use whisky.
Rob C
Post by: athegn on February 01, 2017, 05:02:55 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on February 01, 2017, 07:34:37 pm
Dear British Brothers,Gosh, fellas. There must be something wrong with me. I'm totally American, but I understood it perfectly. I even had to read it to my American wife, who also found it hilarious.
I'm often left curious by some of the British humor found here, and the fact that some of it is beyond comprehension for the U.S. audience. Other cultures as well, I suppose.
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 02, 2017, 06:35:23 am
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
Honestly, it took me a while to get it also. The key was that the writer called it the Serious Burns Unit.
Post by: Christopher Sanderson on February 02, 2017, 08:46:37 am
Post by: Rob C on February 02, 2017, 10:31:52 am
Gosh, fellas. There must be something wrong with me. I'm totally American, but I understood it perfectly. I even had to read it to my American wife, who also found it hilarious.
Nonsense: you're forgetting the Scandinavian bits! Only Trump is totally American, in that he was issued, not born.
;-)
Rob
Post by: Rob C on February 02, 2017, 10:33:22 am
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions'.
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: ' Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'
Sharon : 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
Post by: Rob C on February 07, 2017, 02:58:29 pm
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said,
“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that.
I went and spent it already.”<<
Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me.
I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”<<<<<
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked,
“What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off.
I sold 2,500 tickets at fifty dollars a piece
and made a profit of $124,950.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his fifty dollars back.” !!
Donald has just moved into the White House. !!
Post by: Chairman Bill on February 11, 2017, 08:15:56 am
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
Post by: Rob C on February 11, 2017, 08:34:11 am
Post by: PeterAit on February 11, 2017, 04:58:47 pm
Post by: Rob C on February 12, 2017, 04:08:49 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 12, 2017, 04:24:37 am
Jeremy
Post by: Chairman Bill on February 12, 2017, 06:55:37 am
"A large portion of fish & chips, please".
The librarian says, "Excuse me, this is a library."
The man whispers, "Oh, sorry. A large portion of fish & chips, please"
Post by: Rob C on February 12, 2017, 08:35:02 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on February 12, 2017, 08:59:51 am
He: "I love you!"
She: "Deeper, deeper!"
He (in deep voice): "I love you!"
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 13, 2017, 06:59:48 am
"Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can't grant your the divorce on the grounds that you say your wife Minnie is insane."
"Your honor", Micky squeaked, "I never said that Minnie was insane, I said 'she was f-ing Goofy!"
Post by: Rob C on February 13, 2017, 07:11:05 am
At the divorce of Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse, the judge says,
"Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can't grant your the divorce on the grounds that you say your wife Minnie is insane."
"Your honor", Micky squeaked, "I never said that Minnie was insane, I said 'she was f-ing Goofy!"
Very good one!
Rob
Post by: Rob C on February 16, 2017, 04:02:06 am
A dog walks into a butcher shop with £10 in his mouth and a note saying:
"10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run,and throws himself against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer. So he jumps on the wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually a little guy opens it and starts cursing the dog .
"What the hell are you doing?” the butcher says to the guy. “This dog's a genius!”
"Genius, my arse,” says the owner. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Post by: Chairman Bill on February 16, 2017, 09:10:45 am
Post by: jeremyrh on February 16, 2017, 01:16:29 pm
"Doctor, I've taken so many steroids I've grown a cock"
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a cock."
Post by: Chairman Bill on February 17, 2017, 06:40:33 pm
Post by: Rob C on February 18, 2017, 04:56:58 am
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 21, 2017, 07:28:21 am
Post by: Rob C on February 21, 2017, 02:18:27 pm
Post by: degrub on February 21, 2017, 08:01:34 pm
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 22, 2017, 07:01:59 am
50
One to actually get up and change it and 49 others to complain on the Internets Tubes about how they could have done it better. ;D
Post by: drmike on February 22, 2017, 01:21:12 pm
wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
Post by: PeterAit on February 25, 2017, 10:14:37 am
"I have good news and bad news," he said.
"The good news is that I got Him down to ten."
"The bad news is that adultery is still forbidden."
Post by: Rob C on February 25, 2017, 11:03:34 am
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
Post by: MattNQ on February 25, 2017, 05:36:10 pm
They performed unspeakable acts on me......
Post by: HSakols on February 26, 2017, 11:32:30 am
Yosemite Marching Band 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdJ5qZTAQ18)
Post by: Rob C on February 26, 2017, 12:58:34 pm
The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdJ5qZTAQ18)
To think, that could have saved St Ansel's mind! He always was a muso too. Life's all about timing, innit?
Rob
Post by: JNB_Rare on February 26, 2017, 02:48:27 pm
The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdJ5qZTAQ18)
Jaco Pastorius (soundtrack). One of the greats, plagued by mental illness in his last years. Thinking of him always brings me to his collaboration with Joni Mitchell, particularly the double live album "Shadows and Light (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLKb9Ms68ME)". Seems an appropriate side-step for LuLa, somehow.
Ah, well, the mind wanders. Back to the jokes...
Post by: HSakols on February 26, 2017, 05:43:20 pm
Hugh
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 27, 2017, 08:17:21 am
Police are on the lookout for a team of hardened criminals.
Post by: Rob C on February 27, 2017, 11:02:47 am
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 27, 2017, 11:47:31 am
An Instagram. ;D
Post by: Colorado David on February 27, 2017, 12:04:02 pm
Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the men,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
Post by: Rob C on February 28, 2017, 03:49:46 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 28, 2017, 02:03:05 pm
How much does a hipster weigh?
An Instagram. ;D
When I was young, Instagram was the local really efficient drug pusher.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on March 01, 2017, 12:51:13 pm
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
Post by: Patricia Sheley on March 02, 2017, 12:18:55 pm
No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?
So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!
To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)
I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.
I’m always looking out for you.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 02, 2017, 02:30:39 pm
Nothing happened. He fed them, watered them, even sang romantic songs to them. But nothing. No slither of little snakes.
So he looked for advice and found someone who claimed to have relevant expertise.
"I see what the problem is", said the chap when he came. "You need to chop down that tree over there, cut up the trunk and the bigger branches - roughly, with your chainsaw, nothing special. Then make some tables out of the wood. That'll do the trick."
Sceptically, but feeling that he might was well give it a go, our hero did just that. And sure enough, in no time, he had more snakes than he could shake a stick at. He was delighted, of course, as his business took off, but still curious. So he rang the expert, expressed his gratitude and asked why on earth it worked.
"Well, it was easy really", he said." Your snakes are adders. And everyone knows, if you want adders to multiply, you need log tables."
Jeremy
(Best understood by those of us, like me, whose education pre-dates the advent of calculators.)
Post by: Rob C on March 02, 2017, 02:53:58 pm
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 02, 2017, 07:34:51 pm
(Best understood by those of us, like me, whose education pre-dates the advent of calculators.)Jeremy,
I'm tempted to send you one of my slide rules!
Eric
Post by: JNB_Rare on March 02, 2017, 08:57:29 pm
(Best understood by those of us, like me, whose education pre-dates the advent of calculators.)
You mean before fingers and toes?
Ah, calculators. I remember the first "portable" 4-function ones that you still had to plug in, and they cost a much as a decent laptop computer. Speaking of computers, there's that old chestnut:
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
(apologies if it's been posted before)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 03, 2017, 04:33:12 am
Jeremy,
I'm tempted to send you one of my slide rules!
Eric
I still have my lovely double-sided British Thornton slide rule. Not that I've used it for a while, of course.
Ah, calculators. I remember the first "portable" 4-function ones that you still had to plug in, and they cost a much as a decent laptop computer. Speaking of computers, there's that old chestnut:
My first was the Sinclair Scientific. It could take a minute or more to work out a sine, and it worked in Łukasiewicz (Reverse Polish) notation. My later HP35 also used RPN and to this day I am uneasy using a calculator which functions in the "usual" way.
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 03, 2017, 09:17:36 am
And I remember painfully well the first calculator I bought in order to do my income taxes. It cost a hundred dollars on sale at Sears, and it could add, subtract, multiply, and divide, to about six figures. I used it for all the painful calculations on the tax forms, and finally there was one simple one that I could always do in my head (something like: subtract 2000 from some bigger number).
So I did that one in my head, and sent in the tax forms.
A couple of weeks later I got a letter from the government to the effect that there was an arithmetic error on my form. You guessed it. At least they corrected it and I didn't have to pay any penalties. :'(
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 03, 2017, 09:37:06 am
Post by: Rob C on March 03, 2017, 09:50:17 am
I recall that when we first came to live here, my wife and I would venture down to Palma to one of the huge superstores there and buy boxes of wine etc., brands that the local shops up here in the north didn't carry.
She always wrote out lists and stuck with them, and ignored what wasn't on that list. She'd put prices down by hand and I'd use a running total on the calculator. I would show it to her at the check-out and she'd shake her head and say no. I was always wrong and she was always right. She had a head for maths and physics and chemistry and, above all, cooking!
I eventually stopped keeping useless totals, and we also stopped driving down there for big shopping events; the local brands turned out to be just as good, and saved the hassle.
It used to be said that the Brits were a strange, rather unique breed that would drive a hundred miles to save a hundred pesetas...
Post by: Redcrown on March 03, 2017, 11:57:32 am
What's interesting is how it changes, and how it stays the same. The basic premise never changes, and the amount of the loan is fairly constant. But the owner, the vehicle, and the location varies over time. For a long time is was an old man with a Cadillac in Miami (going on a cruise). Sometimes the old man was a Jew, sometimes not. Back in the eighties there was a version with a pimp in pink suit and flowered hat. I've never heard it with a blonde before. And I've never heard it set outside the U.S.
I wonder what other old jokes reflect clutural changes over time. I wonder if there is a Japanese version, or a Russian version, etc.
Post by: Rob C on March 03, 2017, 02:14:03 pm
The joke about cheap parking is amazing... in the length of its legs. It's been around for decades, not sure of the origin.
What's interesting is how it changes, and how it stays the same. The basic premise never changes, and the amount of the loan is fairly constant. But the owner, the vehicle, and the location varies over time. For a long time is was an old man with a Cadillac in Miami (going on a cruise). Sometimes the old man was a Jew, sometimes not. Back in the eighties there was a version with a pimp in pink suit and flowered hat. I've never heard it with a blonde before. And I've never heard it set outside the U.S.
I wonder what other old jokes reflect clutural changes over time. I wonder if there is a Japanese version, or a Russian version, etc.
That would be an alternative joke or fake one, perhaps?
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 03, 2017, 02:22:37 pm
The joke about cheap parking is amazing... in the length of its legs. It's been around for decades, not sure of the origin.
What's interesting is how it changes, and how it stays the same. The basic premise never changes, and the amount of the loan is fairly constant. But the owner, the vehicle, and the location varies over time. For a long time is was an old man with a Cadillac in Miami (going on a cruise). Sometimes the old man was a Jew, sometimes not. Back in the eighties there was a version with a pimp in pink suit and flowered hat. I've never heard it with a blonde before. And I've never heard it set outside the U.S.
I was first told that joke by my father nearly 50 years ago. It involved a Rolls and was set in London.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on March 04, 2017, 10:20:52 am
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
Post by: Rob C on March 07, 2017, 03:35:12 am
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc..'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do,?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way.
No need to amputate.!'
Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,
'Wait two weeks.......
fall off by itself.!'
Post by: Otto Phocus on March 07, 2017, 07:12:20 am
A: Just pay him for the Pizza and close the door.
Post by: drmike on March 13, 2017, 05:23:46 am
A. With a sighsmograph!
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 13, 2017, 03:22:18 pm
Q: How do you get a Professional Photographer to leave a party?
A: Just pay him for the Pizza and close the door.
I remember a series of similar jokes about drummers. What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a small family. Same theme.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on March 13, 2017, 03:28:20 pm
;-)
Rob
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 13, 2017, 03:30:41 pm
Which makes both Ringo and Bailey fall about laughing!
Maybe they had other attributes.
What do you call a man who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on March 13, 2017, 03:44:52 pm
Maybe they had other attributes.
What do you call a man who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
Jeremy
But mainly, they need him. The bands make so little money locally that, could they dump the drummer they'd be better off, but they can't, for then they'd all drift off to the sound of their own different beats.
Maybe they could club together and buy a metronome instead.
Rob
Post by: Rob C on March 15, 2017, 06:04:26 pm
http://www.msn.com/es-es/noticias/espana/el-%e2%80%98prost%c3%adbulo%e2%80%99-de-mu%c3%b1ecas-de-barcelona-forzado-a-trasladarse-a-un-nuevo-espacio/ar-AAoo4hV?li=BBpm69L&ocid=UE07DHP
Post by: JNB_Rare on March 15, 2017, 07:21:13 pm
You couldn't make it up:
http://www.msn.com/es-es/noticias/espana/el-%e2%80%98prost%c3%adbulo%e2%80%99-de-mu%c3%b1ecas-de-barcelona-forzado-a-trasladarse-a-un-nuevo-espacio/ar-AAoo4hV?li=BBpm69L&ocid=UE07DHP
Sure ya' could. Remember Zhora and Pris (basic pleasure model replicants) from Blade Runner? Probably not what the Barcelonans are looking for, but hey, ya' never know.
Ending Pris (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsG06XnEJTg)
Post by: Rob C on March 16, 2017, 05:00:38 am
Sure ya' could. Remember Zhora and Pris (basic pleasure model replicants) from Blade Runner? Probably not what the Barcelonans are looking for, but hey, ya' never know.
Ending Pris (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsG06XnEJTg)
I've often wondered why it's more efficient to do a series of flips than run straight at something. Feels a denial of the direct line being the shorter option. Sort of similar to climate-change denial, if you like. But it does provide a perfect opportunity for showing off a delightful ass.
Actually, that was quite an emotionally charged movie, in its way.
I was musing about the life choices one makes, and had asked myself what I'd do now, given my time and chances over again. I sort of concluded that I'd still enjoy a life in images, but rather than photographic stills, which though I believe can be an art, has had - I guess - its commercial day. Now, I'd try to become a producer of tv content. I'd look at the opportunites of that as maker of short features or series.
Rob
Post by: JNB_Rare on March 16, 2017, 02:44:04 pm
I was musing about the life choices one makes, and had asked myself what I'd do now, given my time and chances over again. I sort of concluded that I'd still enjoy a life in images, but rather than photographic stills, which though I believe can be an art, has had - I guess - its commercial day. Now, I'd try to become a producer of tv content. I'd look at the opportunites of that as maker of short features or series.
Rob
An appealing thought, but scary too, considering how challenging I've found it to create good stills. I'd be afraid of making something as interesting as a super-8 travel film with waving family in front of tourist monuments. The video buttons on my recent cameras have all been reprogrammed to something else. But, who knows? I've learned to use the "Ken Burns" effect for the few times I've put together slide shows with sound.
Post by: Rob C on March 17, 2017, 06:07:41 pm
The Pensioners Prenuptial Agreement
An elderly couple reaching their late 70s are about to get married but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.
She said: "I want to keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to keep my car."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."
He said: "Put me down for Fridays."
Post by: PeterAit on March 21, 2017, 09:10:45 am
Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to see their pastor for advice about their marital problems. Mrs. Smith talked a mile a minute describing the situation, while Mr. Smith sat with a dour face. After a while, the pastor held up his hand to stop the talk, walked over to Mrs. Smith, stood her up, and gave her a long and passionate hug and kiss. “Mr. Smith,” the pastor said, “your wife needs this once a week, it will solve all your problems.” Mr. Smith thought for a moment and then said “Thanks, pastor. I will have her here at 10:00 AM every Tuesday.”
Post by: drmike on March 22, 2017, 04:00:03 am
A well respected medical man had sex with one of his female patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it,
he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the
last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 22, 2017, 04:55:18 am
Medical man...
Droll, but see http://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=103793.msg949389;topicseen#msg949389.
Jeremy
Post by: laughingbear on March 22, 2017, 06:09:59 am
...on their funeral costs.
The police department worked that deal out together witha funeral home.
Post by: drmike on March 22, 2017, 06:13:12 am
Droll, but see http://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=103793.msg949389;topicseen#msg949389.
Jeremy
I bow to your superior memory :)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 22, 2017, 01:33:36 pm
I bow to your superior memory :)
I enjoyed it. I have, as my wife would be keen to tell you, an excellent memory for jokes and a vast array of the damn things which keep springing to mind. If only I could remember useful things.
At the bank today, an old man asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him. He fell over.
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 22, 2017, 03:02:57 pm
At the bank today, an old man asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him. He fell over.So that was you at the bank today when I was asking for help!
Jeremy
Eric
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 22, 2017, 03:12:01 pm
... At the bank today, an old man asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him. He fell over.
Jeremy
The old guy was extremely lucky then, having both a lawyer and a doctor standing right next to him ;)
Post by: Redcrown on March 24, 2017, 01:06:29 am
The judge says, “That is correct.” Then he asks, “And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?” “No,” says the judge, “you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.”
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, “Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.”
Post by: JNB_Rare on March 25, 2017, 09:23:34 am
(Probably an old joke for the UK readers. It takes a while to reach the colonies. When I was ten, we had elderly neighbours who had emigrated to Canada from Glasgow. The man also had a slight speech impediment, according to my mother. Occasionally, he and I would find ourselves face to face, and he would try to talk to me. I don't think I ever understood a word he said. I just nodded my head, and he likely thought I was simple).
Post by: Rob C on March 25, 2017, 04:51:37 pm
A man walks into a Scottish library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae enny books on suicide?' She stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back.
(Probably an old joke for the UK readers. It takes a while to reach the colonies. When I was ten, we had elderly neighbours who had emigrated to Canada from Glasgow. The man also had a slight speech impediment, according to my mother. Occasionally, he and I would find ourselves face to face, and he would try to talk to me. I don't think I ever understood a word he said. I just nodded my head, and he likely thought I was simple).
Don't sweat about it: my wife and I were walking down a street here in Mallorca one day, not far behind a couple having a loud conversation. She turned to me and asked: do you know what language they are using? I had no idea. As we caught up and passed, we realised that it was English.
Two of our early, elderly neigbours, a very pleasant couple, came from Yorkshire. They were both perfectly understandable. One day, they invited us along to meet their son and his wife, who had a farm. Neither my wife nor I had the slightest idea what either he or she said. It was really embarrasing. I suppose that possibly explains, to some degree, the why of Brexit.
;-(
Rob
Post by: Rob C on March 27, 2017, 06:20:39 am
--George Bernard Shaw
Post by: Rob C on March 29, 2017, 10:00:51 am
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
--Mark Twain
Post by: PeterAit on March 31, 2017, 09:47:08 am
"Well, my dear, these are hard-working men and they will call a spade a spade."
"I wouldn't mind that," replied the novice, "but what they call it is a goddamn motherf*cking shovel."
Post by: LesPalenik on April 01, 2017, 06:33:34 am
So we sent him to Canada. Where we're going to build a great wall. It's going to be the best wall in the world, the best ever. And we're going to make them pay for it. Our photographers are the best photographers in the world. The best. You can hire them, you can pay them with opportunities for exposure, the best way to pay. And you can grab them by the lens. We're going to do that by banning all digital sensors, so we can go back to film and make Kodak great again. They're going to be so great and they're going to hire hundreds of thousands of people. Millions. It's time to make photography great again.
Feel free to share. If you share, more people in the world will read your posts. More than any other posts in the world. I'm telling you. It'll be fantastic. Think of all the exposure you'll get. Nobody shares posts better than you do. Nobody. It will be so big, it will kill the internet. Kill it. And we're going to make Mark Zuckerberg pay for it.
Penned by Glenn Springer, a good friend and a seasoned Ontario photographer who changed his mind about going back to film again.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on April 01, 2017, 08:30:35 pm
Someone told me that culling their photos after a shoot is a tedious chore. But culling is a great activity. I mean, it's really fantastic. People who think culling is bad are total scumbags. Total scumbags. It's great, it's really, really great. It's the best thing you can do. I've got all the best pictures, really the best. Some of them are tiny but they're great, really really great. And more people in the world have seen my great pictures than any other pictures in the world. I'm telling you. All the other photographers are worse than me. They're bad, so bad. Ansel Adams? A total disaster. Henri Cartier-Bresson, he's a fake. So fake, he has to have a hyphen in his name. Youssef Karsh? He copies my style. He knows my style because he tapped my phones. Someone told me he died in 2002. Fake news. So fake. He was an immigrant. Shouldn't have let him in the country, our country, the best country in the world.Fantastic, Les!
So we sent him to Canada. Where we're going to build a great wall. It's going to be the best wall in the world, the best ever. And we're going to make them pay for it. Our photographers are the best photographers in the world. The best. You can hire them, you can pay them with opportunities for exposure, the best way to pay. And you can grab them by the lens. We're going to do that by banning all digital sensors, so we can go back to film and make Kodak great again. They're going to be so great and they're going to hire hundreds of thousands of people. Millions. It's time to make photography great again.
Feel free to share. If you share, more people in the world will read your posts. More than any other posts in the world. I'm telling you. It'll be fantastic. Think of all the exposure you'll get. Nobody shares posts better than you do. Nobody. It will be so big, it will kill the internet. Kill it. And we're going to make Mark Zuckerberg pay for it.
Post by: Rob C on April 03, 2017, 05:04:05 am
Someone told me that culling their photos after a shoot is a tedious chore. But culling is a great activity. I mean, it's really fantastic. People who think culling is bad are total scumbags. Total scumbags. It's great, it's really, really great. It's the best thing you can do. I've got all the best pictures, really the best. Some of them are tiny but they're great, really really great. And more people in the world have seen my great pictures than any other pictures in the world. I'm telling you. All the other photographers are worse than me. They're bad, so bad. Ansel Adams? A total disaster. Henri Cartier-Bresson, he's a fake. So fake, he has to have a hyphen in his name. Youssef Karsh? He copies my style. He knows my style because he tapped my phones. Someone told me he died in 2002. Fake news. So fake. He was an immigrant. Shouldn't have let him in the country, our country, the best country in the world.
So we sent him to Canada. Where we're going to build a great wall. It's going to be the best wall in the world, the best ever. And we're going to make them pay for it. Our photographers are the best photographers in the world. The best. You can hire them, you can pay them with opportunities for exposure, the best way to pay. And you can grab them by the lens. We're going to do that by banning all digital sensors, so we can go back to film and make Kodak great again. They're going to be so great and they're going to hire hundreds of thousands of people. Millions. It's time to make photography great again.
Feel free to share. If you share, more people in the world will read your posts. More than any other posts in the world. I'm telling you. It'll be fantastic. Think of all the exposure you'll get. Nobody shares posts better than you do. Nobody. It will be so big, it will kill the internet. Kill it. And we're going to make Mark Zuckerberg pay for it.
Penned by Glenn Springer, a good friend and a seasoned Ontario photographer who changed his mind about going back to film again.
After that, there's hardly any point to keeping this thread running: you can't top it.
Rob
Post by: PeterAit on April 03, 2017, 10:01:59 am
After that, there's hardly any point to keeping this thread running: you can't top it.
Rob
We can try!
Post by: degrub on April 03, 2017, 10:35:59 am
Post by: PeterAit on April 03, 2017, 11:06:07 am
shouldn't be too hard to trump that. Just give it a week. ;)
"Trump?" Hmm, double meaning here!
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 03, 2017, 03:06:24 pm
After that, there's hardly any point to keeping this thread running: you can't top it.
Really? It's vaguely amusing, but no more than that, and not particularly original.
So I think we should keep trying to amuse each other.
A young novice monk is invited to tea at the local convent. His walk there takes him through one of the less salubrious areas of the town.
One of the denizens accosts him: "Fancy a quickie? Only ten pounds." He has no idea what she means, so smiles benevolently and walks on.
Soon, another girl says "Ten pounds for a quickie?", and he responds in the same way.
This happens several more times before, with some relief and increasing embarrassment and curiosity, he reaches his destination. Half way through tea, he plucks up the courage to satisfy his curiosity and asks "Mother, what's a quickie?".
"Ten quid" says the Mother Superior. "Same as in town."
Jeremy
Post by: Redcrown on April 03, 2017, 05:32:41 pm
A shop steward is at a convention in Paris and decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?” “No, it’s not,” she replies. “So how much do the girls earn?” the union man asks. “You pay me $100 and the girl gets $20.” “That’s crass exploitation!” the man says and stomps out.
Eventually, he finds a brothel where the madam says it’s a union house. “If I pay you $100, how much does the girl get?” he asks. “She gets $80.” “That’s great!” he says. “I’d like Collette.” “I’m sure you would,” says the madam, "but Ethel here has seniority.”
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 22, 2017, 10:37:19 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 23, 2017, 01:18:35 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 25, 2017, 03:30:28 am
The image text reads "I guess it's also the right setting for pictures of the Moon at night".
Jeremy
Post by: EricV on April 26, 2017, 12:57:53 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on April 26, 2017, 02:57:29 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on May 10, 2017, 12:48:51 am
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Post by: ToniW on May 10, 2017, 07:02:45 am
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, “I did that by accident.”
She replied, “I know that, daddy.”
He replied, “How’d you know?”
The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!” ::)
Post by: LesPalenik on May 13, 2017, 09:40:24 am
'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your prints.'
'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'
'The guy was your doctor...'
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 13, 2017, 02:36:17 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 26, 2017, 05:52:26 am
Post by: degrub on May 26, 2017, 09:38:00 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 26, 2017, 09:50:35 am
...Teacher should have known that "whale" is an incorrect translation of the biblical story. More accurate would be "fish." ;)
Post by: Rob C on June 07, 2017, 04:09:15 am
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.
While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have
him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land
for just $100.'
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They
return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald
Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship
him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $100?
The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'
Post by: LesPalenik on June 08, 2017, 01:58:24 pm
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
Post by: LesPalenik on June 11, 2017, 12:22:29 am
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"So, why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 21, 2017, 12:17:19 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 27, 2017, 03:27:10 am
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 03, 2017, 01:45:50 pm
If only they knew about the Clarity and Vibrance sliders...
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 03, 2017, 03:49:42 pm
Re-majestification (http://www.theonion.com/article/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification-17484)Thanks for that link, Jeremy!
If only they knew about the Clarity and Vibrance sliders...
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on July 08, 2017, 03:59:58 am
Teacher Arrested
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.😂✍
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 08, 2017, 09:11:51 am
Post by: Rob C on July 08, 2017, 09:24:44 am
Thanks for the warning, Rob. I will be certain to pack my slide rule in my checked baggage next time I travel by air (he says with a sly drool.)
I suspect it was the ruler that gave him away: a rule would have passed through X-Ray without any suspicion.
(Don't we pedants have fun?)
;-)
Rob
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 24, 2017, 03:52:47 am
"£20", she is told.
"That's very cheap for such a wonderful-looking bird."
"Ah, but you need to know something about it. It used to live in a brothel, and it's picked up some rather, er, interesting vocabulary."
She dithers for a while, but she's always wanted a parrot and the opportunity is too good to miss, so she buys it and takes it home. She puts the cage on the table in the living room and removes the covering cloth.
The parrot looks round the room. "New house, very nice" it says.
It looks at her. "New house, new madam, very nice."
She calls her daughters. "New house, new madam, new girls, very nice indeed.".
She calls her husband. "Hello, Keith."
Jeremy
Post by: JNB_Rare on August 08, 2017, 12:30:54 pm
Post by: JNB_Rare on August 08, 2017, 12:32:11 pm
Post by: Chairman Bill on August 08, 2017, 01:03:13 pm
Post by: Rob C on August 11, 2017, 02:55:21 pm
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject, and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Post by: PeterAit on August 15, 2017, 10:58:59 am
Post by: Chairman Bill on August 15, 2017, 11:20:01 am
Post by: Rob C on August 18, 2017, 02:57:24 pm
Recently, I was asked to play in a charity golf tournament.
Initially I said, “No...I don’t think so.”
Then, they said “Come on.... it’s for handicapped and blind kids.”
And I got to thinking...."Holy mackerel, I could win this fucking thing!"
Post by: Otto Phocus on August 21, 2017, 06:57:16 am
Post by: Chairman Bill on August 21, 2017, 11:56:51 am
Post by: Rob C on August 23, 2017, 03:35:36 am
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
Post by: Otto Phocus on August 23, 2017, 06:43:17 am
It was just gathering dust
Post by: LesPalenik on August 26, 2017, 11:40:01 pm
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Post by: Rob C on August 29, 2017, 03:53:28 am
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD WRITES SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THE YELLOW ROAD WARNING SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 18, 2017, 03:26:57 am
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 18, 2017, 09:40:03 am
But the non-science folks here won't get it.
Eric
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 18, 2017, 02:09:41 pm
Nice one, Jeremy.
But the non-science folks here won't get it.
Explanations are available, for a most modest consideration.
Jeremy
Post by: degrub on September 18, 2017, 07:23:18 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 18, 2017, 07:37:27 pm
perhaps a piece of pi ?
Or high?
Post by: PeterAit on October 19, 2017, 05:10:23 pm
"I am so thirsty," says the Englishman, "I must have tea."
"I am so thirsty," says the Frenchman, "I must have wine."
"I am so thirsty," says the German, "I must have beer."
"I am so thirsty," says the Jew, "I must have diabetes."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 29, 2017, 02:47:46 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on October 29, 2017, 03:18:41 pm
Seen (by my daughter) on Instagram.
Jeremy
Very cool! Strikes me as stereotypically French, but I'm just going on instinct with that. My education leaves a lot to be desired.
;-(
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 29, 2017, 08:29:17 pm
(And the knowledge of French required isn't beyond what I needed to pass my foreign language exam as part of the process of becoming a docteur [en philosophie].) ;)
Post by: PeterAit on November 18, 2017, 01:10:18 pm
When the Pope visited Cuba recently he wanted a private tour of Havana, so the President sent him a limo and driver. It turns out that the Pope loved to drive, but he was never allowed to. Here was his chance! He asked the driver to sit in the back while he drove.
The Pope got excited while driving and went too fast - he was pulled over by a policeman. The cop looked at the man in the back and then at the driver.
"You are the Pope!"
"Yes"
"I must call my chief."
The cop calls in. "Chief, I stopped a limo for speeding but the passenger is very important and I do not know what to do."
"Who is the passenger?"
"I don't know."
"Then how do you know he is so important?"
"He's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
Post by: Rob C on December 02, 2017, 03:54:00 am
It's best to make sure you get the correct insurance for the type of sex you are having.
Please find below a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability
Sex with an old age pensioner - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
and finally…….
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Make sure you are adequately covered!
I'm not sure about it - I'm with a company by the name of 'One Call' - and it doesn't work!
Post by: Rob C on December 02, 2017, 04:03:13 am
Apple has today announced it has developed a chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The new iTit wil cost between $ 499 and $ 699, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Post by: PeterAit on December 02, 2017, 03:06:12 pm
You can now get insurance for sex in the UK!
Is there insurance for no sex <g>?
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 02, 2017, 03:09:42 pm
Is there insurance for no sex <g>?
Maybe not, but you'd get a "no accident" or "safe driver" discount on any other policy ;)
Post by: LesPalenik on December 02, 2017, 10:02:37 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 02, 2017, 10:16:23 pm
When the equipment is not in use, most insurance companies offer now seasonal coverage...
Any insurance against shrinkage?
Post by: LesPalenik on December 03, 2017, 12:11:39 am
Quote
The National Science Foundation awarded Analysis & Inference two consecutive grants to find new statistical methods for classifying risks taken on by insurers. A+I statisticians conducted research on state-of-the-art statistical analysis, focusing on (Bayesian) "shrinkage" estimation, to determine better ways to form classes of risks and to estimate the probabilities and amounts of claims arising from the classes. The work was recognized in publications of articles in top statistical journals.
Some companies are very strict about this matter. For example, manager of a retail store is allowed only 1% shrinkage.
When it comes to insurance, some insurance companies announced shrinkage also in health insurance coverage.
Post by: Rob C on December 03, 2017, 07:23:17 am
Any insurance against shrinkage?
Yes! Thermal underwear and a thick, wooly sock.
Rob
Post by: petermfiore on December 03, 2017, 07:30:51 am
Yes! Thermal underwear and a thick, wooly sock.
Rob
Ah, the proverbial helping hand...
Peter
Post by: Rob C on December 03, 2017, 12:34:54 pm
Ah, the proverbial helping hand...
Peter
Well, made a lot of rock stars look larger than life, and at twelve, little girls believe anything.
:-)
Rob
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on December 05, 2017, 11:26:47 am
Would someone please bring this young lady a cup of hot chocolate!!
Millennial Job Interview (https://vimeo.com/239050403/cdd07b248e)
Kevin in CT
Post by: Rob C on December 05, 2017, 02:36:56 pm
Rob
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on December 07, 2017, 08:06:54 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz0o9clVQu8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz0o9clVQu8)
Kevin in CT
Post by: Redcrown on December 08, 2017, 01:38:13 am
Post by: JNB_Rare on December 08, 2017, 07:40:43 am
Preview: The Way Ahead Meeting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKWZlWaGKgc)
Preview: W1A Does Red Nose Day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg2940lQlCo)
In the last clip you may notice a bit of music, which I immediately remembered from one of my all-time favourite movies, Brazil (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xNnRBksvOU).
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on December 08, 2017, 10:57:15 am
It's not just millennials. We've just started to get W1A here in Canada, and it's quickly become one of my favourite shows:
Preview: The Way Ahead Meeting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKWZlWaGKgc)
Preview: W1A Does Red Nose Day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg2940lQlCo)
Wow, this show looks great, almost like a British version of Dilbert, dare I say?
Post by: Rob C on December 12, 2017, 04:07:46 am
Rob
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 12, 2017, 02:47:23 pm
Sad to say this seems to be the state of many of the current crop of jobseekers!
Would someone please bring this young lady a cup of hot chocolate!!
Millennial Job Interview (https://vimeo.com/239050403/cdd07b248e)
Very funny, if perhaps a little close to the bone.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 12, 2017, 02:48:03 pm
Post by: Rob C on December 15, 2017, 04:23:40 am
Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say ‘No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case Waitrose.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet !
I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th and 29th November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidle wallets are £1.75 and look better.
Post by: GrahamBy on December 15, 2017, 10:05:38 am
I hadn't realised that Mugabe was from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards!
Rob
Haaaaaa!
Post by: Rob C on December 15, 2017, 05:18:38 pm
Haaaaaa!
! ¡
Rob
Post by: Rob C on December 31, 2017, 10:09:10 am
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....
He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer ....
and then ..... He tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him ....
reaching towards him with its left paw ...
and raising the right paw to strike ....
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped ...
The bear froze .....
The forest was silent ...
A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ..
"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ..
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
.. a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ...
And the bear dropped his right arm ....
brought both paws together ....
bowed his head & spoke …
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive
Post by: degrub on December 31, 2017, 10:13:28 am
Learned a lesson - never drink whilst reading "A touch of humor".
Best of health and a happy new year to you !
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 31, 2017, 01:28:38 pm
I think you should be awarded an honorary degree of Doctor of Atheistic Theology for that shaggy bear tale.
Eric
Post by: Rob C on January 01, 2018, 09:50:10 am
Rob,
I think you should be awarded an honorary degree of Doctor of Atheistic Theology for that shaggy bear tale.
Eric
Rest assured, Eric, that were it mine, I'd have a big copyright symbol beside it. However, in the spirit of the fairness which, I'm sure, 2018 is going to be all about, I'm willing to accept the mantle on behalf of the artist formerly known as the originator.
It's the least that I could do.
:-)
Rob
Post by: pegelli on January 03, 2018, 05:41:42 am
Post by: Rob C on January 04, 2018, 08:00:17 am
Post by: degrub on January 04, 2018, 09:46:38 am
Post by: pegelli on January 04, 2018, 10:19:15 am
So why did they neglect to make a square one too? Guess it's a digital casualty...How would we call that, National Rolleiflex (or Hasselblad) Gallery?
Post by: Rob C on January 04, 2018, 03:08:27 pm
How would we call that, National Rolleiflex (or Hasselblad) Gallery?
From the perspective of honouring our roots, rather than our favourites, I think we might settle for National 6x6 Gallery and keep both happy (and the young civilians guessing!).
;-)
Post by: Peter McLennan on January 04, 2018, 03:30:52 pm
Post by: Rob C on January 05, 2018, 07:37:58 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 08, 2018, 11:37:07 pm
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!!
No, think of another wish!” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’ . . . know how to make them truly happy . . .”
The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
Post by: pegelli on January 09, 2018, 07:24:04 am
A man of 88 visits his doctor for a yearly check-up
The doctor asks how he feels
The man says: "I feel great, my girlfriend is 18, pregnant and expecting my baby, not bad ...."
The doctor thinks and responds: "Let me tell you a story
I know a hunter who never passed a day in his life in which he didn't go out for a shoot
But one day he mistakenly put his umbrella over his shoulder instead of his gun
Walking through the woods suddenly a bear stood in front of him
He grabbed the umbrella, aimed and ...... PANG ! the bear dropped dead on the ground"
The old man started laughing, that's impossible, there must have been another hunter behind him who shot the bear.
The doctor looked at the man seriously and said: "That is exactly what I meant"
Post by: Rob C on January 11, 2018, 03:25:40 am
Rob
Post by: Rob C on January 13, 2018, 09:57:32 am
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”
Post by: Rob C on January 14, 2018, 05:10:54 am
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 14, 2018, 11:18:35 am
Post by: Rob C on January 14, 2018, 02:16:01 pm
C’mon Rob, you are treating the U.S. states as some shithole countries! 😀
;-)
Don't sweat: there's probably a list of them to come! Okay - here's another, then, if you grow impatient:
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 14, 2018, 02:44:10 pm
C’mon Rob, you are treating the U.S. states as some shithole countries! 😀I'm fine with these so far, as long as he avoids the New England states. 8)
Post by: Rob C on January 14, 2018, 03:22:09 pm
I'm fine with these so far, as long as he avoids the New England states. 8)
But you have to admit, Eric, that some of those states are as big as some countries!
:-)
Post by: PeterAit on January 14, 2018, 04:12:45 pm
Post by: Rob C on January 15, 2018, 05:33:01 am
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on January 15, 2018, 09:46:12 am
Post by: petermfiore on January 15, 2018, 11:05:06 am
Here's one!Kevin,
I guess that depends on what dimension your in...It does say rarely, after all.
Peter
Post by: Otto Phocus on January 15, 2018, 03:02:02 pm
Here's one!
"I'm not dead yet!"
Post by: Rob C on January 17, 2018, 12:54:47 pm
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
Post by: Rob C on January 19, 2018, 11:37:14 am
Florida
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign on that pole in front of you.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 19, 2018, 01:56:22 pm
Okay, thanks for your patience and held tempers - here's the last one in the series:
Florida
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign on that pole in front of you.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.
Reminds me of the time I came back to my car to find a note on it reading "Parking fine". Which was nice.
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 19, 2018, 04:38:28 pm
Post by: PeterAit on January 25, 2018, 08:54:55 am
Post by: Rob C on January 26, 2018, 04:52:47 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 27, 2018, 03:51:47 am
The elderly rabbi dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gates. He is kept waiting. A while later, a bus driver arrives and is admitted immediately. The rabbi is irate – “Why am I, a respected rabbi, kept waiting while a mere bus driver is let in right away?” An angel answers. “Rabbi, when you gave your sermons, your congregation napped. When that bus driver drove his bus, his passengers prayed to God.”
Reminds me of the wish: "When I die, I'd like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers".
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on January 27, 2018, 04:01:24 am
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a reeealllly bad headache."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 27, 2018, 08:02:02 am
A wise man once said nothing.
Post by: RSL on January 27, 2018, 09:59:08 am
Post by: Rob C on January 27, 2018, 10:53:56 am
Post by: degrub on January 27, 2018, 07:25:15 pm
Post by: Rob C on January 28, 2018, 04:28:47 am
Post by: RSL on January 28, 2018, 08:57:38 am
Post by: Rob C on January 28, 2018, 04:50:09 pm
Post by: Otto Phocus on January 29, 2018, 06:57:30 am
He drove far out of town so that no one he knew would see him playing golf on Sunday. The Angels were watching and expressing disapproval. God reassured the angels that he would take care of things.
On the first hole, the priest hit a 350 yard hole in one, right in the cup. God chuckled and the Angles asked, dismayed, "this is how you handle this? With a hole in one?"
God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?
Post by: Rob C on January 29, 2018, 08:23:49 am
There was a priest who was an avid golf fanatic. He loved nothing better than a day on the course. One Sunday, the weather was perfect and he could not resist the temptation to call in sick and skip giving his sermon.
He drove far out of town so that no one he knew would see him playing golf on Sunday. The Angels were watching and expressing disapproval. God reassured the angels that he would take care of things.
On the first hole, the priest hit a 350 yard hole in one, right in the cup. God chuckled and the Angles asked, dismayed, "this is how you handle this? With a hole in one?"
God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?
Like!
Post by: RSL on January 29, 2018, 08:32:25 am
Post by: Rob C on January 29, 2018, 08:43:34 am
Does God need grammar lessons? Or do I?
Just a cheap joke, forgive me!
Rob
Post by: petermfiore on January 29, 2018, 10:45:34 am
"God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?"
Does God need grammar lessons? Or do I?
Just a cheap joke, forgive me!
Rob
Rob,
English may not be HER first language...
Peter
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 29, 2018, 02:35:19 pm
...God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?
I've always heard it told about a rabbi, and on Saturday.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 29, 2018, 02:45:58 pm
One of the recurrent rounds, and comfortably my favourite, is called "Uxbridge English Dictionary": new definitions of old words. Some are rather clever. These are the ones that spring to mind.
Fuselage: not many that big.
Shellfish: a bit like a shelf.
Buttercup: face down.
Suffragette: Ryanair*.
Faculty: no PG Tips** at all.
Slippery: rather like a slipper.
Broccoli: in the manner of a badger.
Jeremy
* an airline noted, at least until recently, for its implied motto: the customer is always wrong
** the most popular brand of teabags in the UK, apparently
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 29, 2018, 02:46:58 pm
Dave F*****g Smith.
You got Tourette’s, Dave?
No. But the vicar who christened me did.
Jeremy
Post by: Arturo on February 02, 2018, 01:13:59 am
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the officer.
"No," replied Heisenberg, "but we know where we are."
Suspicious, the officer decided to search the car and opened the trunk.
"Hey," he demanded, "do you know there's a dead cat in here?"
"We do now," replied Schrodinger.
Post by: tom b on February 02, 2018, 02:20:27 am
I like your quote.
Cheers,
Post by: Rob C on February 02, 2018, 04:06:38 am
“Anything more than 500 yards from the car just isn’t photogenic.” – Edward Weston
I like your quote.
Cheers,
He exaggerated: it should be fifty yards. Capa would have said: "and that's for mountains."
Post by: Otto Phocus on February 02, 2018, 08:21:41 am
He asks one of the Cardinals "do you know of a four letter word that can mean a type of woman and it has to end in the letters UNT?
The Cardinal thinks for a moment and then says. "Your holiness, the word you are looking for is aunt."
The Pope then asks, "do you have an eraser?"
Post by: PeterAit on March 13, 2018, 08:59:52 am
Jerry: My goodness, why?
Jim: That was our deal.
Post by: Rob C on March 13, 2018, 12:33:39 pm
"I am not young enough to know everything" - Oscar Wilde" "
That's exactly what I meant when I praised the six-year olds amongst us!
;-)
Post by: pegelli on March 13, 2018, 01:08:05 pm
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Post by: Otto Phocus on March 14, 2018, 06:28:28 am
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
I guess they were sitting in their own pew.
(crickets chirping)
I'll just be sitting down here in the corner. :-[
Post by: PeterAit on March 14, 2018, 09:14:18 am
Heisenberg and Schrodinger were in a car. Heisenberg was driving at a speed well over the limit when a cop pulled them over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the officer.
"No," replied Heisenberg, "but we know where we are."
Suspicious, the officer decided to search the car and opened the trunk.
"Hey," he demanded, "do you know there's a dead cat in here?"
"We do now," replied Schrodinger.
Love it!
Post by: PeterAit on March 16, 2018, 11:45:57 am
"Where are you going?" he asks.
To Las Vegas", she replies, "Where women are paid $400 a night to do what I do for you free."
The man starts packing his own suitcase.
"And where are you going?" she asks.
"To Las Vegas. I want to see how you do on $800 a year."
Post by: pegelli on March 16, 2018, 07:12:58 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 16, 2018, 08:20:42 pm
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God". "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?" Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"Thanks for that, Pieter! ;D
Post by: Rob C on March 17, 2018, 08:01:59 am
Thanks for that, Pieter! ;D
A younger President would instantly have thought topiary.
Rob
Post by: Chairman Bill on March 17, 2018, 08:17:20 am
Post by: Rob C on March 17, 2018, 08:50:47 am
That's it! No more. My wife has accused me of being a transvestite, so I'm packing her clothes and leaving.
A wise decision, if I may say so. A stitch in time...
Post by: PeterAit on March 17, 2018, 04:28:36 pm
An hour before an important concert, the orchestra conductor fell ill and was rushed to hospital. There was no backup, and the administrators were in a panic. What to do?
Then the principal cellist came to the office. "I studied conducting in school and in fact I have conducted this very piece. If you wish I will do what I can." The administrators gratefully accepted.
The concert went forward under the cellist's baton and was a great success.
After, the principal cellist went backstage and was immediately confronted by the other members of the cello section.
"Where the hell have you been all evening?"
Post by: Rob C on March 17, 2018, 06:16:19 pm
Perhaps more meaningful to musicians, but still one of my favorites.
An hour before an important concert, the orchestra conductor fell ill and was rushed to hospital. There was no backup, and the administrators were in a panic. What to do?
Then the principal cellist came to the office. "I studied conducting in school and in fact I have conducted this very piece. If you wish I will do what I can." The administrators gratefully accepted.
The concert went forward under the cellist's baton and was a great success.
After, the principal cellist went backstage and was immediately confronted by the other members of the cello section.
"Where the hell have you been all evening?"
It may be a joke, but I have often wondered!
:-)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 19, 2018, 09:19:57 pm
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”
Post by: Littlefield on March 20, 2018, 04:06:31 pm
Don
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
Post by: Ray on March 20, 2018, 09:58:28 pm
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”
Excellent humor, Slobodan, with a strong degree of profundity. ;)
Post by: PeterAit on March 21, 2018, 10:56:51 am
A resonant voice answers from the clouds, "I am here my child. I will save you if you have faith."
"Yes, my Lord," she answers, "I have faith! What must I do."
"You must let go and fall, then I will catch you, and you will be saved by your faith."
The woman looks again at the jagged rocks below and then up to the trail.
"Is there anyone ELSE up there?"
Post by: PeterAit on March 23, 2018, 08:38:08 am
The medicine man replied, “The Great Spirit sends me a sign shortly after the birth. For example, on the morning your sister was born we had some rain, so she is Gentle Shower. And the evening when the chief’s son was born, a bear came to my house and growled, so he is Growling Bear. But tell me, why are you asking, Dog Taking Dump?”
Post by: John Camp on March 23, 2018, 10:03:40 pm
The blonde asked, "What's wrong?"
The redhead said, "Nothing's exactly wrong. I just saw my boyfriend in there buying flowers for me."
The blonde asked, "Isn't that a good thing?"
The redhead said, "Yes, but everytime he buys me flowers, I spend the whole weekend on my back with my legs up in the air."
The blonde asked, "Well...don't you have a vase?"
Post by: Rob C on March 31, 2018, 08:30:48 am
Post by: Two23 on March 31, 2018, 10:49:47 am
"Here lies my wife
And here let her lie.
For she rests in peace
And so do I!"
Kent in SD
Post by: Rajan Parrikar on April 01, 2018, 03:41:34 am
https://twitter.com/shafithinks/status/980104550743867392
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 01, 2018, 03:55:58 am
Google is hiring.
https://twitter.com/shafithinks/status/980104550743867392
Droll. Perhaps better, in current circumstances, directed at Facebook.
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 01, 2018, 09:21:42 am
(http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/327291-He-s-Not-Your-Dad.jpg)
And the origin:
(https://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/dad-says-youre-spying-us-online-hes-not-your-dad-obama-kid.jpg)
Post by: PeterAit on April 08, 2018, 11:46:34 am
"I'll have a martinus."
"Do you mean martini?" replies the barkeep.
"If I want more than one, I'll say so."
Post by: pegelli on April 08, 2018, 12:14:41 pm
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 08, 2018, 03:33:18 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on April 08, 2018, 06:21:26 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 11, 2018, 07:06:52 pm
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, “Do it, but ask him for $2000, then pick up the money so quickly that he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “What happened?”
She responds, “The Bastard used coins."
Post by: Otto Phocus on April 12, 2018, 07:13:29 am
The tailor says "Euripides?"
The man replies "Eumenides?"
It's boffo in a classic Lit class. ;)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 19, 2018, 11:43:13 am
Answer: There are only 11 times throughout history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
George Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein, 1938.
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagoras, 126 BC.
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566.
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my butt!"
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1998
AND THE WINNER IS ......
1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"
Hillary Clinton, 2016
Post by: Rob C on April 22, 2018, 05:42:02 am
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery just outside Glasgow. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the first earth had alread been put in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before, for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing.
Post by: Peter McLennan on April 22, 2018, 10:54:17 am
Post by: Rob C on April 26, 2018, 04:08:57 am
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even
though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating
through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her
horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance
to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched,
fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the
'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally,
I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Post by: RSL on April 26, 2018, 08:09:18 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on April 26, 2018, 09:14:56 am
Two good ones, Rob. Love the bagpiper.+1.
Post by: Dave (Isle of Skye) on April 28, 2018, 03:18:39 pm
But now I am older, I can't do that anymore..
My wrists have gone...
;D
Post by: Rob C on April 29, 2018, 06:23:03 am
When I was younger and in my prime, I used to be able to bend an iron bar around 'it'.
But now I am older, I can't do that anymore..
My wrists have gone...
;D
That's what happens from the use of heavy Gitzos.
Post by: pegelli on May 04, 2018, 05:09:09 am
"As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf fanatic, and every chance I get, I’ll be on the course playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” says the bride, “I also have a confession to make, I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
Post by: Otto Phocus on May 04, 2018, 05:39:56 am
When a woman gets married, she is thinking of I'll Alter Him
Post by: Rob C on May 04, 2018, 07:06:34 am
"What on Earth did you think you were doing ? Those machines are delicate!"
"Well, Sir," she responded, "the government sent me a letter demanding a copy of my sources of income.
And as I work here..."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 06, 2018, 09:14:04 am
Post by: PeterAit on May 06, 2018, 11:56:14 am
Humorous or humorless (i.e., too true to be funny)?
Cute, but hardly true for most of the items.
Post by: PeterAit on May 29, 2018, 08:46:12 am
Post by: Redcrown on May 29, 2018, 03:27:19 pm
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... ...Good Lord, she's fainted!! "
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 29, 2018, 03:45:35 pm
Post by: Rob C on May 29, 2018, 05:44:04 pm
My thanks to Rob C for his bagpiper/septic tank joke of about a month ago. I told it during social hour while at a cello workshop last week, changing the instrument to cello of course. It's a funny joke to be sure, but I never expected the response I got - I never heard such laughing, hooting, hollering, tears running down cheeks, and knee slapping!! So Rob your joke was a huge hit.
Thank you, Peter, I thought it was one of the funniest I ever heard too!
Rob
Post by: drmike on June 04, 2018, 02:33:03 pm
to marry her. Her father, the King, picked three and told them that they
would have to compete in a contest to marry his daughter. Whomever won
got to marry her. He called the 3 men to his castle and told them what
to do. He said I give you each 3 months to go around the world and
collect as many ping pong balls as you can. Whomever collects the most
can marry my daughter. And so the three went off.
A month later one came back. He had found 2,000 ping pong balls. The king
said that was pretty good but he must wait for the others to return.
The next month another man came back. He had found 5,000 ping pong balls.
The king said that that was pretty good also but must wait for the final
man.
On the last day of the last month, a dirty, beat-up looking man stumbled
into the king's castle. He was carrying something in his hands. So the
king said to him how many ping pong balls did you get?
Ping pong balls? said the guy. I thought you said King Kong's balls.
Post by: RSL on June 04, 2018, 02:42:47 pm
A kid was required to write a story that used the word, "frugal." "What does 'frugal' mean?" he asked his teacher. "It means to save," she told him. So he wrote:
"A prince was riding through a forest when he came upon a hole in the ground that held a princess a nasty gnome had kidnapped. 'Frugal me. Frugal me,' the princess shouted to him. So he jumped in the hole and frugaled her, and they both lived happily ever after."
Post by: PeterAit on June 23, 2018, 10:27:01 am
In a certain Native American tribe it was the tradition for the medicine many to name all new babies. One day a young boy came to him and asked “Teacher, when it’s time to name a baby, how do you choose a name?”
The elder replied “The Great Spirit sends me a sign as to what the name shall be. For example, the night your brother was born, a bear came and snuffled around outside my Hogan and growled. So he is Growling Bear. And your cousin—on the day of her birth I saw a doe bounding through the forest, so she is Leaping Doe. But tell me, why do you ask, Dog Taking Dump?”
Post by: David Sutton on June 29, 2018, 10:19:49 pm
The normally sober Russia Today gave up the fight this morning when reporting on a journalist who narrowly missed being decapitated by helicopters.
The headline runs: "Hack avoids chop".
Post by: LesPalenik on July 04, 2018, 07:11:52 pm
Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol
Here’s another good reason to have a concealed weapon permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”
Post by: Chairman Bill on July 05, 2018, 07:55:40 am
Post by: Rob C on July 05, 2018, 08:53:20 am
I was amazed at the US celebration of Independence Day on 4th July. Such a fuss over one Hollywood film seems a bit over-the-top.
I guess everybody loves a winner?
Post by: petermfiore on July 05, 2018, 02:49:16 pm
I guess everybody loves a winner?
All you other side of the ponders are sooooo obviously Jealous!!! LOL
Peter
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 05, 2018, 11:04:23 pm
I found this article to have a fair amount of irony in it....
Irony perhaps, but zero humor. Wrong thread.
Post by: Rob C on August 10, 2018, 03:42:12 am
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you feel stressed at times?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to
do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost
immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire
to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare,
and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can
sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many
people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or
Merlot..
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on August 10, 2018, 08:24:52 am
Post by: Rob C on August 10, 2018, 10:44:48 am
My brother lives by those words, Rob. He could have written them.
Can we be sure he did not?
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on August 10, 2018, 11:51:30 am
Can we be sure he did not?Nope! :D
Rob
Post by: Rob C on August 11, 2018, 04:53:06 am
While waiting, they begin to wonder.....Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a fucking priest in heaven!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a fucking LAWYER!
Post by: PeterAit on August 11, 2018, 10:04:11 am
Post by: Rob C on August 11, 2018, 12:44:32 pm
There's a new miracle drug that helps you stop worrying about politics, climate, terrorism, your job, and everything else. Ask your doctor. It's called Fukitol.
Bloody hell! I've been using it to spray the mosquitos!
Rob
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 11, 2018, 12:48:27 pm
It used to be the same with cars. Cars and marital relationships... a lot of similarities. Most people, apart from the rich, used to drive them to the ground (cars). Not any more. First, as we got better off, there was a second car in the family (or mistress, if you didn't catch my drift). Then there was leasing, you get a much more expensive car than you could otherwise afford. Over the years, you would drive multiple cars. Or drive (nuts) multiple spouses.
And then there is Uber: with a few clicks on the phone, you get the nearest stranger who is willing to let you ride them (pardon the pun).
Post by: Rob C on August 11, 2018, 01:04:16 pm
Re Rob's Catholic joke... my understanding of Catholicism, however rudimentary, is that divorce is not allowed, short of some very high authority (a Cardinal?) specifically approving it. The same is reflected in the "till death do us part."
It used to be the same with cars. Cars and marital relationships... a lot of similarities. Most people, apart from the rich, used to drive them to the ground (cars). Not any more. First, as we got better off, there was a second car in the family (or mistress, if you didn't catch my drift). Then there was leasing, you get a much more expensive car than you could otherwise afford. Over the years, you would drive multiple cars. Or drive (nuts) multiple spouses.
And then there is Uber: with a few clicks on the phone, you get the nearest stranger who is willing to let you ride them (pardon the pun).
Hence the need for the lawyer...
Leasing can get you into very hot legal waters, Slobodan; it can open you up to blackmail and Soviet-style hotel room recordings. Even a freebie can end up costing you the Earth.
Some say it's better by bus. Which puts me in mind of those magazines that used to feature reader' wives. I think they were loss-leaders; the magazines - I suspect people were expected to steal them, not buy them. Have you noticed the number of exceptionally tall, strange-looking children that seem to hover around the magazine stands in railway stations etc.?
Post by: Rob C on August 17, 2018, 04:03:31 am
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
TheLaughFa...335 148
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Post by: PeterAit on August 18, 2018, 10:53:41 am
The cousin replies "Hasidim."
"Well, ah seed him too, but what IS it?"
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 19, 2018, 04:24:08 pm
Post by: Rob C on August 19, 2018, 04:45:56 pm
Be natural - if you don't love her, why did you pick her? Trying a little tenderness does not equate with flirting.
I should charge for this stuff, just like bloody Garry!
:-)
Post by: PeterAit on August 19, 2018, 05:19:22 pm
She will instantly suspect the worst, even if you are innocent.
Be natural - if you don't love her, why did you pick her? Trying a little tenderness does not equate with flirting.
If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.
Post by: petermfiore on August 20, 2018, 07:07:00 am
If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.
At least you'll be in the arena...
Peter
Post by: Rob C on August 20, 2018, 10:01:51 am
At least you'll be in the arena...
Peter
So were the Christians...
;-)
Post by: Rob C on August 20, 2018, 10:04:39 am
If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.
And strike whilst the iron's hot?
;-)
Post by: PeterAit on August 20, 2018, 12:09:23 pm
The Englishman says "I am so thirsty, I must have tea."
The German says "I am so thirsty, I must have beer."
The Jew says "I am so thirsty, I must have diabetes."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 20, 2018, 07:53:03 pm
"So I stole a bike and asked God to forgive me. And that worked."
Post by: Rob C on August 21, 2018, 04:31:40 am
But, as soon as he walked through the door his wife started on at him with: 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a large shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
A while later the phone rang. The wife answered and was asked to pass on the message that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. He was not to be hanged.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she ran upstairs to give him the good news. On opening the bathroom door she found her husband was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she exclaimed.
Whirling round he yelled: 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 21, 2018, 08:29:39 am
Post by: Rob C on August 22, 2018, 08:36:21 am
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for £60,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model".
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any finance, and, Sir, just look at her?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go", she said. "I told you I could get that knob head to lower the price Dad."
Post by: Chairman Bill on August 22, 2018, 06:20:25 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on August 23, 2018, 03:46:54 am
Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."
Ugh!
Jeremy
Post by: JimAscher on August 23, 2018, 11:38:31 am
Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."
Puts me in mind of the old Dorothy Parker (apocryphal?) anecdote concerning a request to her that she put the word "horticulture" in a sentence: "You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think.)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 23, 2018, 11:43:40 am
Post by: degrub on August 23, 2018, 11:45:26 pm
Post by: Rob C on August 28, 2018, 04:10:04 am
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 04, 2018, 03:37:28 am
Post by: PeterAit on September 08, 2018, 03:58:16 pm
Sol: Waiter, can you please taste this soup?
Waiter: What for? There’s nothing wrong with it.
Sol: Please just taste it.
Waiter: What for? It’s the same soup you have been ordering for years.
Sol: Please just humor me and taste the soup.
Waiter, sighing: OK, for you I’ll taste the soup … wait, there’s no spoon.
Sol: AHA!!!!
Post by: PeterAit on September 09, 2018, 11:34:29 am
"Three for $5" answers the shopkeeper.
"What if I want only 2 grapefruit?"
"That would be $4."
"OK," she replies, "I'll take the third one."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 17, 2018, 02:18:15 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 17, 2018, 05:07:36 pm
I asked a Welsh friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started to count but fell asleep.Subtle, Jeremy, very subtle! ;)
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 19, 2018, 12:25:25 am
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
Post by: Rob C on September 19, 2018, 04:35:31 am
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
For once, I have to stand up for government: nope, not governments being bad, but the crazy, politically correct amongst us forcing issues that sometimes are, well, crazy, onto governments.
I'm sure governments would really rather have nothing to do with much of this stuff, that like plastic in the ocean, eventually becomes too big a problem to ignore.
Post by: Frans Waterlander on September 21, 2018, 07:07:58 pm
Answer of Nikon Product Specialist: "Can you tell me what you mean by 'AEB'?"
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 22, 2018, 12:31:08 am
I chat with Nikon Technical Support: "Can you tell me what the maximum AEB range is for the D7200?"Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle? ::)
Answer of Nikon Product Specialist: "Can you tell me what you mean by 'AEB'?"
Post by: Rob C on September 22, 2018, 04:12:21 am
Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle? ::)
Are you casting aspersions towards a certain lady dear to my heart, Eric?
Grrrrrr...¿?
Post by: petermfiore on September 22, 2018, 07:54:07 am
Are you casting aspersions towards a certain lady dear to my heart, Eric?
Grrrrrr...¿?
I think so!!!
Peter
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 22, 2018, 08:31:25 am
I think so!!!Only if her name is either American Egg Board or Advanced Electron Beams. 8)
Peter
Post by: D Fuller on September 22, 2018, 09:42:38 am
Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle? ::)
I didn’t know either, so I googled it. It’s Automatic Emergency Braking.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 22, 2018, 09:47:48 am
I didn’t know either, so I googled it. It’s Automatic Emergency Braking.I wouldn't buy a camera without it!
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 22, 2018, 09:51:42 am
Post by: LesPalenik on September 22, 2018, 10:26:53 am
Post by: JNB_Rare on September 22, 2018, 11:43:35 am
Post by: Frans Waterlander on September 22, 2018, 12:09:29 pm
Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing? :)
Slobodan, it's very insensitive of you to put the Nikon Technical Expert on the spot. Bad, bad Slobodan!
Post by: D Fuller on September 22, 2018, 12:30:35 pm
Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing? :)
What’s the fun in that? 8)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 23, 2018, 12:13:55 pm
They're quite rude, aren't they?
Jeremy
Post by: ThomasR99 on October 04, 2018, 11:45:58 pm
"Give me the good news first, Doctor", the man stated. The doctor replied, "You're in perfect health!".
"Well, what's the bad news then?" the man asked.
Replied the doctor: "Your wife's having an affair with the postman, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant and your dog has the mange.".
Rimshot.
Post by: ThomasR99 on October 04, 2018, 11:46:47 pm
Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Post by: ThomasR99 on October 04, 2018, 11:55:43 pm
(disclaimer...I'm a poor Catholic at best. If it's not Hebrew tablets, substitute the correct term as you please).
Post by: ThomasR99 on October 05, 2018, 12:02:24 am
Unusual Units of Measurement not taught in my physics classes:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope (Scope(R) being a popular US brand of mouthwash/mouthrinse).
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram (Billy Graham)
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling (Twilight Zone was a popular Sci-Fi program from the late 50's to early 60's. Hosted by Rod Serling).
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
17. 3 protesting neighbors = 1 notinmyback yard (NIMBYism is a popular term in US for people who want a 'solution' to a 'problem'...as long as the 'solution' isn't placed in their neighborhood, or 'in their backyard)
18. 1000 mL drunk by Kim Jong Un = 1 Dear Liter
19. Combined volume of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria = 3 galleons
Been a while since I've visited here, missed the good humor and cameraderie :)
Thomas.
Post by: Rob C on October 05, 2018, 02:38:19 pm
Taken from uglyhedgehog.com, with full credit to the original author(s) and some clarifiers for our non-US friends:
Unusual Units of Measurement not taught in my physics classes:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope (Scope(R) being a popular US brand of mouthwash/mouthrinse).
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram (Billy Graham)
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling (Twilight Zone was a popular Sci-Fi program from the late 50's to early 60's. Hosted by Rod Serling).
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
17. 3 protesting neighbors = 1 notinmyback yard (NIMBYism is a popular term in US for people who want a 'solution' to a 'problem'...as long as the 'solution' isn't placed in their neighborhood, or 'in their backyard)
18. 1000 mL drunk by Kim Jong Un = 1 Dear Liter
19. Combined volume of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria = 3 galleons
Been a while since I've visited here, missed the good humor and cameraderie :)
Thomas.
You should have been here during the truly iconic political period: the love was flowing like blood in an abattoir.
;-)
Post by: petermfiore on October 06, 2018, 08:11:55 am
You should have been here during the truly iconic political period: the love was flowing like blood in an abattoir.
;-)
MOO...
Peter
Post by: Rob C on October 22, 2018, 04:33:38 am
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Post by: PeterAit on October 22, 2018, 10:06:29 am
Doctor to her patient: "You are in excellent health for a man of 80. Too bad you are only 35."
A man was set for a physical and needed to submit a urine specimen. Deciding to have a little fun, he mixed his urine w/some from his son, daughter, wife and dog. At the appointment his doctor told him he had good news and bad news.
"Give me the good news first, Doctor", the man stated. The doctor replied, "You're in perfect health!".
"Well, what's the bad news then?" the man asked.
Replied the doctor: "Your wife's having an affair with the postman, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant and your dog has the mange.".
Rimshot.
Post by: PeterAit on October 22, 2018, 10:09:10 am
Moses came down from Mount Sinai and addressed the assembled Israelites.
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still forbidden.""
Post by: Chairman Bill on October 22, 2018, 12:47:48 pm
I'm still standing.
Post by: ThomasR99 on October 27, 2018, 05:24:15 pm
Their leader gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," He also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give me your last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, The biker leader gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Post by: LesPalenik on November 11, 2018, 12:21:10 pm
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
6. On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!
Post by: PeterAit on November 12, 2018, 08:26:32 am
Post by: PeterAit on November 12, 2018, 08:31:56 am
"I believe in unquestioning loyalty and obedience to my master," said the shepherd.
"Excellent, replied God, "You may sit at my right hand. And you?" he asked the doberman.
"I believe in protecting my master and his family at all costs."
"Excellent, replied God, "You may sit at my left hand. And what about you, cat?"
"I believe you are in my chair."
Post by: LesPalenik on November 13, 2018, 03:15:21 am
“I’m not worried,” the driver replied. “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car have to be astronomical.”
Post by: Rob C on November 13, 2018, 04:37:08 am
First, my ex. got run over by a bus, and then I was fired from my job as a bus driver.
Post by: Rob C on November 14, 2018, 04:00:29 am
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him!
Husband: OMG! he's still celebrating!
Post by: PeterAit on November 14, 2018, 09:21:00 am
"I am the genie of the lamp. I grant you three wishes."
"I wish you were bad at arithmetic."
"Done," said the genie. "You now have 14 wishes."
Post by: Rob C on November 16, 2018, 02:17:05 pm
Son: "My name is Jack."
Post by: petermfiore on November 19, 2018, 07:23:11 am
Mother: "Do you think I'm a bad Mom, Jimmie?"
Son: "My name is Jack."
So it goes.....
Peter
Post by: Rob C on November 19, 2018, 08:26:39 am
Post by: PeterAit on November 27, 2018, 09:03:26 am
Post by: Rob C on November 27, 2018, 09:40:17 am
The wife asks: "Relatives of yours?"
The husband replies: "Yes, in-laws."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 29, 2018, 03:42:24 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 29, 2018, 04:01:09 pm
Post by: Rob C on November 29, 2018, 04:46:57 pm
There you go. King has much more limited range of movements... yet they complain about gender equality ;)
This one has no king.
:-)
Post by: Zen8 on November 30, 2018, 01:46:13 am
.
Unless she is blocked by the court Jester.
Post by: Rob C on November 30, 2018, 06:29:23 am
Unless she is blocked by the court Jester.
I always saw a knight as nothing but a wooden horse.
Post by: Rob C on November 30, 2018, 06:36:31 am
Post by: LesPalenik on November 30, 2018, 07:16:40 am
Adultery is a sin: you can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Sin or not, the main thing is to be careful so that one doesn't find out about the other one.
Post by: Rob C on November 30, 2018, 07:48:12 am
Sin or not, the main thing is to be careful so that one doesn't find out about the other one.
Easy: never use social media.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 30, 2018, 01:44:01 pm
Sin or not, the main thing is to be careful so that one doesn't find out about the other one.
As the old toast goes, "To wives and girlfriends: may they never meet".
Jeremy
Post by: Zen8 on November 30, 2018, 04:10:30 pm
Easy: never use social media.
Then where would I get my news from? ;)
Post by: Rob C on November 30, 2018, 04:31:12 pm
:-)
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 30, 2018, 11:50:12 pm
Eric
Post by: Zen8 on December 01, 2018, 01:25:52 am
But there's no need to get it from anywhere: just make up your own like the rest of the world does: say you are going to meet with Mr Putin, then say you are not, and then maybe/perhaps do or do not do it off the record! The rôle (it worked - I dragged it as instructed!) models are out there.
:-)
I know the rules and we aren't supposed to get political, etc which I fully agree with. As Forrest Gump said "That is all I have to say about that." Still fun to take little jabs at the orange guy once in a while. I'm OK with any warnings if I cross that line.
Post by: Rob C on December 01, 2018, 04:56:51 am
Congrats, Rob. You are now a rôle model for the rest of us. :D
Eric
Sorry, Eric, I eschew any such responsibilty on principle.
;-)
Post by: Rob C on December 01, 2018, 05:02:31 am
;-)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 02, 2018, 03:50:39 am
Post by: Zen8 on December 03, 2018, 01:12:51 am
I actually told that one to my doctor.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 13, 2018, 06:19:34 am
Jeremy
Post by: athegn on December 13, 2018, 03:04:07 pm
.
Brilliant!
Sent a link to the membership sec., of an organisation I belong to, who is fed up with GDPR. She loves It!
Post by: PeterAit on December 14, 2018, 03:58:33 pm
Post by: Ivophoto on December 16, 2018, 08:01:58 am
Can't get away from the damn song these days.
Jeremy
I kind of sympathize with this cartoon.
Post by: Zen8 on December 17, 2018, 11:21:36 am
Post by: KLaban on December 17, 2018, 12:32:55 pm
Can't get away from the damn song these days.
Jeremy
Dang it. Wish I'd found that before sending out the usual pleasantries.
Post by: Rob C on December 18, 2018, 03:32:20 am
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Post by: Redcrown on December 18, 2018, 11:23:49 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 18, 2018, 04:01:40 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on December 18, 2018, 07:28:31 pm
(https://render.fineartamerica.com/images/rendered/default/framed-print/images/artworkimages/medium/2/dream-on-steve-harrington.jpg?imgWI=6.000&imgHI=8.000&sku=CRQ13&mat1=PM918&mat2=&t=2&b=2&l=2&r=2&off=0.5&frameW=0.875)
Post by: PeterAit on December 19, 2018, 09:25:14 am
I apparently went with wrong divorce lawyers. Should have used these:
Or the Car Talk law firm, Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.
Post by: Rory on December 20, 2018, 10:47:20 am
A couple of days later Amanda noticed that the gravy ladle they had used for the dinner with mom was missing and she mentioned this to Harry. Harry quickly dashed off this email to mom:
Hi mom. We can't find our gravy ladle. I'm not saying you took the ladle and I'm not saying you didn't. If you know where it is can you let us know. Harry.
He quickly received a reply from mom:
I'm not saying you are sleeping with Amanda and I'm not saying you're not. The ladle is in Amanda's bed. Mom.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 29, 2018, 01:31:52 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 29, 2018, 02:20:46 pm
How vegans are made.Good one, Jeremy!
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 01, 2019, 01:13:23 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 01, 2019, 01:27:32 pm
Post by: Rajan Parrikar on January 01, 2019, 09:48:48 pm
Post by: John R on January 01, 2019, 11:24:16 pm
How vegans are made.Quite good and clever Jeremy!!
Jeremy
JR
Post by: rabanito on January 02, 2019, 04:41:26 am
HHe quickly received a reply from mom:
I'm not saying you are sleeping with Amanda and I'm not saying you're not. The ladle is in Amanda's bed. Mom.
;D ;D
Post by: drmike on January 02, 2019, 04:52:16 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 12, 2019, 01:46:03 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 12, 2019, 01:49:16 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 12, 2019, 01:58:08 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 12, 2019, 02:00:31 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 12, 2019, 02:07:21 pm
;D;D ;D
Post by: petermfiore on January 12, 2019, 04:22:49 pm
Can't post videos here, so this has to be by link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ebgx9tifjilsodw/german%20coast%20guard.mpg?dl=0. Hope it works.
Jeremy
Perfect!!!!
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 12, 2019, 04:32:56 pm
Post by: PeterAit on January 14, 2019, 09:00:38 am
"I'll bet you $20 that he jumps," says the guy.
"And I'll bet you $20 that he doesn't," says the blonde.
A few minutes later, the fellow jumps. The blonde takes out $20 and hands it to her date.
"I can't take your money," he replies. "This actually happened earlier and I saw it on the 5 o'clock news."
"I saw it too," replies the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Post by: Rob C on January 14, 2019, 04:26:03 pm
With greatest respect, Jeremy:
Accurate!
Post by: Rob C on January 14, 2019, 04:27:49 pm
A guy and his blonde date are at a bar, watching the 11 o'clock news on the TV. The news is covering someone who went out on a 20th floor building ledge and is threatening to jump.
"I'll bet you $20 that he jumps," says the guy.
"And I'll bet you $20 that he doesn't," says the blonde.
A few minutes later, the fellow jumps. The blonde takes out $20 and hands it to her date.
"I can't take your money," he replies. "This actually happened earlier and I saw it on the 5 o'clock news."
"I saw it too," replies the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Now that had me burst into laughter! Thanks!
Rob
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 14, 2019, 05:31:32 pm
+1.
Now that had me burst into laughter! Thanks!
Rob
Post by: Patricia Sheley on January 14, 2019, 08:21:35 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 14, 2019, 08:47:17 pm
With greatest respect, Jeremy:
Spot on. I prefer "with all due respect", since that bears the subtitle "and, frankly, that's not very much".
We use those forms of language in court all the time. I can't find it now, but I recently read a wonderful translation guide, from "what advocates say" to "what advocates mean". Perhaps my favourite was the true meaning of "as your Lordship pleases", said in response to a decision after argument on a minor point by the Judge. It is "Fine. Be like that, then".
Jeremy
Post by: PeterAit on January 15, 2019, 09:17:14 am
With greatest respect, Jeremy:
Bless your heart.
Post by: David Sutton on January 15, 2019, 03:39:19 pm
With greatest respect, Jeremy:Stout fellow.
Post by: Ivophoto on January 15, 2019, 04:14:12 pm
If you brag with some new gadgetry you can get this:
“ca donne comme l'impression d'avoir un certain quality”
Post by: David Sutton on January 15, 2019, 07:33:36 pm
The French have their way of saying things as well.;D ;D
If you brag with some new gadgetry you can get this:
“ca donne comme l'impression d'avoir un certain quality”
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 18, 2019, 11:23:51 am
Post by: D Fuller on January 19, 2019, 08:28:37 am
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers (or at least the person who sent them to me said they were):
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER .... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 19, 2019, 02:12:43 pm
Post by: PeterAit on January 26, 2019, 11:39:13 am
"You husband's condition is serious and potentially fatal, but he can be cured, it's up to you. He needs complete rest and relaxation. He must sleep as late as he wants, then you must make him his favorite breakfast--lunch and dinner, too. And you must clean up. Also, he is to be excused from all housework, yardwork, shopping, and the like. Whenever he wants sex, be accepting and do whatever he asks. He gets to watch whatever he wants on TV. If he asks for a foot rub or back massage, give it to him. If you do this for a year, he will be cured."
On the way home in the car, Charlie asked his wife "What did the Dr. say?"
"You're going to die."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 26, 2019, 02:15:32 pm
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 26, 2019, 04:29:33 pm
Post by: Patricia Sheley on January 26, 2019, 06:36:12 pm
Post by: Kevin Gallagher on January 27, 2019, 04:04:11 pm
(http://www.pbase.com/keving/image/168747403.jpg)
Post by: LesPalenik on February 04, 2019, 07:10:27 pm
A story made in a snowy country. This is something you can't do in sunny Florida or Arizona.
The first two images show a crime scene before and after. The other images show making the story.
I pulled out the attached images from a video clip (made in Russia). Regrettably, the 7 snaps can't do justice to the original video.
Post by: PeterAit on February 06, 2019, 07:57:15 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on February 11, 2019, 11:16:32 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on February 11, 2019, 11:17:55 am
Post by: rabanito on February 11, 2019, 12:03:05 pm
Works either way you approach it:;D
Post by: PeterAit on February 15, 2019, 07:57:28 am
"No," said Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35 zone."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is very suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He looks and says, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
Post by: rabanito on February 15, 2019, 10:44:01 am
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," said Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35 zone."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is very suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He looks and says, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
;)
"All is relative" didn't say Einstein
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 18, 2019, 02:17:46 pm
"G'day" he says, and gets a friendly response. He starts to chat to the owner, and the conversation goes well. After a while, Bruce plucks up courage.
"So", he says. "What do you do?"
"I'm a taxidermist", pointing to the sign.
"Well, yes", says Bruce. "But what's a taxidermist do?"
"Oh, I stuff animals" says the taxidermist.
Bruce gives a quiet sigh of relief and calls to his mates, who are watching from a safe distance.
"It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
Post by: NancyP on February 20, 2019, 01:43:08 pm
At one point, the London Review of Books had hilarious personal ads. Self-deprecation, demonstration of eccentricity, such a relief from the usual US style (a direct comparison would be personal ads in the New York Review of Books - exercises in showing how tasteful one is - unintentionally funny, at least to me). I believe that the LRB compiled the best of the ads and published them in a humor book.
Post by: PeterAit on February 21, 2019, 09:59:08 am
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night
Post by: rabanito on February 21, 2019, 04:18:23 pm
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night
You did compose it now?
This limerick was quoted in 1924.
So it has traveled much faster than light as well... :o :)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 22, 2019, 03:24:33 am
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night
In the version I've known, the last line reads "and arrived back the previous night"; it scans.
Jeremy
Post by: PeterAit on February 23, 2019, 10:47:51 am
A German shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat all die. They find themselves before God who wants to know what they believe.
The shepherd says “I believe in complete loyalty and obedience to my master.”
“Good,” says God, “you may sit at my right hand. And you?” he asks the Doberman.
“I believe in protecting my master and his family at all costs.”
“Good,” says God, “you may sit at my left hand. And you, cat, what do you believe?”
“I believe you are sitting in my chair.”
Post by: PeterAit on February 26, 2019, 09:34:50 am
Bishop: "Yes, as long as you don't get into the habit."
==========================================
Along the same lines:
==========================================
Buddhist to his teacher: "Master, is it OK for a Buddhist to use email?"
Master: "Sure, as long as there are no attachments."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 26, 2019, 02:40:29 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 08, 2019, 08:57:21 am
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 08, 2019, 09:31:06 am
The Daily Mash has some very funny stuff. Some of it perhaps a little close to the bone (https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/amateur-photographer-captures-moment-dream-of-being-a-photographer-dies-20190307183295).
;D Brilliant!
Quote
Picking up a big lens, Hollis said: “I don’t even know what this glassy thing does and I could have had two weeks in Ibiza for it.”
Come to think of it, Jeremy, you had your cake and ate it too: you had your “big glassy thing” AND two weeks in
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 08, 2019, 12:40:06 pm
Come to think of it, Jeremy, you had your cake and ate it too: you had your “big glassy thing” AND two weeks inIbizaJapan ;)
I had the time in Japan, but sadly the big glassy thing was hired and has had to be returned.
Jeremy
Post by: Ivophoto on March 08, 2019, 01:15:36 pm
https://youtu.be/E_6d3JBBo4s
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 08, 2019, 04:58:25 pm
The Daily Mash has some very funny stuff. Some of it perhaps a little close to the bone (https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/amateur-photographer-captures-moment-dream-of-being-a-photographer-dies-20190307183295).
In a related story...
Post by: PeterAit on March 18, 2019, 08:23:47 am
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever who sniffs the parrot and shows no interest. She is still not convinced so he brings in a cat who also sniffs the bird with no reaction.
Finally convinced, she sighs and asks for the bill. It is $5,000 and she is outraged.
"Well," replies the vet,"if you has accepted my original diagnosis it would have been $20, but you insisted on the lab test and the cat scan."
Post by: Rob C on March 18, 2019, 08:53:17 am
A woman's parrot has been very ill and is unresponsive. She takes it to the vet, who after a quick examination pronounces the bird dead. The woman does not believe him and asks for more tests.
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever who sniffs the parrot and shows no interest. She is still not convinced so he brings in a cat who also sniffs the bird with no reaction.
Finally convinced, she sighs and asks for the bill. It is $5,000 and she is outraged.
"Well," replies the vet,"if you has accepted my original diagnosis it would have been $20, but you insisted on the lab test and the cat scan."
Loved that one!
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 18, 2019, 11:11:43 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 29, 2019, 03:34:19 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 29, 2019, 03:36:36 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 29, 2019, 05:27:38 pm
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 07, 2019, 02:02:06 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 08, 2019, 12:04:19 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b9KLz3eyok
Post by: LesPalenik on April 08, 2019, 12:06:54 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on April 08, 2019, 01:59:06 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on April 08, 2019, 02:02:17 pm
I've got to admit that Beto here bears an uncanny resemblance to the rat in the rat-and-rattlesnake video. ;)Quite true, same pose. And he moves also very fast.
Post by: John Camp on April 08, 2019, 05:51:06 pm
belfry, arriving just as the policeman arrived. The policeman asked the
bishop "What happened?" The bishop explained that he had refused the troll
the bell ringing job and the troll began chasing him. "How did you
escape?" asked the policeman. The bishop's reply: "I was saved by the
bell."
I didn't see that coming. I thought it'd be, "Don't ask for whom the bell trolls."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 15, 2019, 09:13:11 am
“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 15, 2019, 10:15:43 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 15, 2019, 10:47:56 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 21, 2019, 12:59:24 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 28, 2019, 07:05:16 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&feature=youtu.be
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 29, 2019, 12:30:38 am
Hitler finds out the Mueller investigation is over:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&feature=youtu.be
Thanks for the link Slobodan, I needed that!
Post by: rabanito on April 29, 2019, 06:13:34 am
Hitler finds out the Mueller investigation is over:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&feature=youtu.be
Fake Hitler.
Hitler had blue eyes 8)
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 29, 2019, 02:17:21 pm
Fake Hitler.
Really?
Post by: Rob C on April 29, 2019, 03:44:55 pm
This one is for Rob:
“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”
That has been a nightmare, not a joke! I always had clients check 'em out too against their next-year's diaries! A consultant can be somebody called in to share any future blame.
Post by: rabanito on April 29, 2019, 04:53:00 pm
Really?
Well yes, sir.
If you look with attention you'll discover Bruno Ganz acting Bruno Ganz in a Hitler costume.
You could have seen Bruno Ganz acting Bruno Ganz in, say, a Faust costume. Faust is a character by Goethe, a German author.
Or in another theater role.
As you can see Robert De Niro, John Travolta, Tom Cruise etc acting themselves in different roles ;)
So is it usually with actors.
BTW Bruno Ganz passed away shortly ago, in Februar. A great actor.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 29, 2019, 05:05:40 pm
Fake Hitler...
Nooooo.... And there I was, thinking that was an authentic, historic footage of Hitler himself. And you are now shattering my illusion by bluntly, mercilessly telling me it was just an actor, and the whole scene just a movie!? My perception of reality might never be the same again.
Post by: rabanito on April 29, 2019, 05:12:09 pm
Nooooo.... And there I was, thinking that was an authentic, historic footage of Hitler himself.
If you missed the emoji with the sun glasses (suggesting eyes - Blue/Dark) and the title of the Subject ("A touch of humor"), then we can expect anything from you, Slobodan ;D ;D
Attention, emojis present!!!
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 29, 2019, 05:16:15 pm
Post by: rabanito on April 29, 2019, 05:44:04 pm
I guess it must be German humor then. Banal and shallow. Then again, humor for Germans is a serious thing. No smiley.
Wrong address to ventilate your problems my friend.
This was rabanito's humor, who is not a German ;D ;D
Now:
That you don't appreciate a joke could be for two reasons.
1. It is a bad joke
2. You don't understand the joke :)
But anyway, the same could be said of most of the jokes we all tell here under this "humor" subject.
They are told with the best intentions. You should appreciate that. Even that of yours.
Need a mirror?
Let's stay friends ;)
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 29, 2019, 08:53:19 pm
Well yes, sir.You didn't get my tongue-in-cheek comment, apparently.
If you look with attention you'll discover Bruno Ganz acting Bruno Ganz in a Hitler costume.
You could have seen Bruno Ganz acting Bruno Ganz in, say, a Faust costume. Faust is a character by Goethe, a German author.
Or in another theater role.
As you can see Robert De Niro, John Travolta, Tom Cruise etc acting themselves in different roles ;)
So is it usually with actors.
BTW Bruno Ganz passed away shortly ago, in Februar. A great actor.
Post by: rabanito on April 30, 2019, 04:06:21 am
You didn't get my tongue-in-cheek comment, apparently.
Well I missed some emoticon.
Sorry about that
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 30, 2019, 11:54:06 am
Well I missed some emoticon.
Sorry about that
Well, I try to communicate without these @#*&% emoticons.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 30, 2019, 12:05:25 pm
Well, I try to communicate without these @#*&% emoticons.
I've found out that there are nations whose sense of humor (or lack thereof) requires raising a flag with clearly written words: "It's a joke, it's a joke." Or a smiley.
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 30, 2019, 02:47:45 pm
I've found out that there are nations whose sense of humor (or lack thereof) requires raising a flag with clearly written words: "It's a joke, it's a joke." Or a smiley.Really? (it's a joke, it's a joke, :) ;) :D ;D)
Post by: rabanito on April 30, 2019, 04:02:31 pm
Really? (it's a joke, it's a joke, :) ;) :D ;D)
Look Frans. I said "sorry". It should suffice.
And yes, emoticons are there to be used to replace the body language which is not possible writing messages on a PC.
That's the reason for their existence.
Many of us, me included, are not very proficient in colloquial English. So is it.
Emoticons may help and are recommended always when defining "netiquette" for beginners.
Hope this helps
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 30, 2019, 04:16:45 pm
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 30, 2019, 09:35:17 pm
Look Frans. I said "sorry". It should suffice.
And yes, emoticons are there to be used to replace the body language which is not possible writing messages on a PC.
That's the reason for their existence.
Many of us, me included, are not very proficient in colloquial English. So is it.
Emoticons may help and are recommended always when defining "netiquette" for beginners.
Hope this helps
Hi Rabanito,
You make some very good points. I should be more aware that not everybody on this forum is fluent in American English. My apologies.
As for emoticons, I'm not a fan; I've seen too many times people making really nasty remarks on this and other forums and then add a smiley or other "cute" emoticon.
Post by: rabanito on May 01, 2019, 07:23:52 am
Hi Rabanito,
You make some very good points. I should be more aware that not everybody on this forum is fluent in American English. My apologies.
As for emoticons, I'm not a fan; I've seen too many times people making really nasty remarks on this and other forums and then add a smiley or other "cute" emoticon.
It's OK.
Thanks :) ..................................... (cute emoticon intended as joke)
Post by: PeterAit on May 16, 2019, 02:31:46 pm
Really? (it's a joke, it's a joke, :) ;) :D ;D)
To a German, humor is no laughing matter.
Post by: PeterAit on May 16, 2019, 02:33:56 pm
Salesman: "Car no go space. Car no fly."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 16, 2019, 02:55:08 pm
To a German, humor is no laughing matter.
Post by: PeterAit on May 25, 2019, 10:17:14 am
Friend: "Solid gold? And she's not speaking to you? How come?"
Jim: "That was our agreement."
Post by: Jonathan Cross on June 11, 2019, 01:33:44 pm
On a wet Sunday a father and his young daughter were walking home from Church. It stopped raining and a bright rainbow appeared. Father said, 'I think God painted that just for you.' His daughter replied, 'It is lovely and God painted it left-handed.'
Confused, father asked, 'How do you know?', to which his daughter replied, 'We were taught today that Jesus sits on God's right hand.'
Post by: PeterAit on June 13, 2019, 09:37:35 am
Post by: Rob C on June 13, 2019, 10:55:36 am
This made me laugh.
Very good one!
Post by: RSL on June 13, 2019, 11:39:51 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on June 13, 2019, 03:44:54 pm
+1+ at least 2.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 15, 2019, 01:08:19 pm
Post by: mbaginy on June 18, 2019, 03:49:03 pm
Smart advertising ;D;D
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on June 18, 2019, 04:07:22 pm
;D+1.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 30, 2019, 12:55:58 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 04, 2019, 01:37:57 pm
Post by: Rob C on July 04, 2019, 03:57:34 pm
Pilfered from the Internet ((Fujirumours.com, I think):
So much for thumbnails: until I amplified the image, I thought I was looking at something to do with burkas.
:-)
Post by: LesPalenik on July 04, 2019, 11:42:34 pm
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Post by: Rob C on July 05, 2019, 07:20:51 am
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Good one!
Post by: PeterAit on July 23, 2019, 08:48:36 am
The patient says "My name is not David."
The surgeon replies "I know - I'm David."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 24, 2019, 03:48:46 pm
Post by: PeterAit on July 27, 2019, 09:00:43 am
The old man replied, "On the day of birth, I look for a sign. For example, the day your sister was born I saw a doe leaping in the forest, so she is Leaping Doe. And when the chief's son was born, a bear growled at me, so he is Growling Bear. But tell me, why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on August 02, 2019, 02:23:23 pm
Post by: Rob C on August 02, 2019, 04:48:24 pm
.
In Britain, you can always blame a bus - even for Brexit.
Post by: Jonathan Cross on August 02, 2019, 05:09:50 pm
Jonathan
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on August 03, 2019, 07:58:37 am
Post by: Box Brownie on August 03, 2019, 03:53:17 pm
How my friend Noel de Christian invites to his photography gallery in Hollywood, Florida:
:lol: can I borrow that one, if nothing else it an ice breaker & talking point ;)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 03, 2019, 03:54:32 pm
:lol: can I borrow that one, if nothing else it an ice breaker & talking point ;)
I am sure he wouldn't mind :)
Post by: LesPalenik on August 11, 2019, 09:35:45 pm
(https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67798733_2490419331019798_3950860739652091904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQl6IHI2qUaZo3VYr9GsNaK1gnMcWzUsErJ5wkDOBgsvMHvsyUS-OBOc8j2F1qofYp4&_nc_ht=scontent-yyz1-1.xx&oh=c62410e6c7aa1ad57c0673f8eac95c44&oe=5DEEC92A)
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on August 11, 2019, 10:24:18 pm
applicable also to this placeIt sure is applicable also to this place.
(https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67798733_2490419331019798_3950860739652091904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQl6IHI2qUaZo3VYr9GsNaK1gnMcWzUsErJ5wkDOBgsvMHvsyUS-OBOc8j2F1qofYp4&_nc_ht=scontent-yyz1-1.xx&oh=c62410e6c7aa1ad57c0673f8eac95c44&oe=5DEEC92A)
Post by: jeremyrh on August 12, 2019, 11:44:19 am
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/07/22/americans-think-dutch-people-dump-their-children-in-the-woods-and-the-clapback-from-dutch-twitter-was-brutal/
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 12, 2019, 12:35:45 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on August 12, 2019, 12:37:18 pm
Post by: Alan Klein on August 12, 2019, 09:51:44 pm
applicable also to this place
(https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67798733_2490419331019798_3950860739652091904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQl6IHI2qUaZo3VYr9GsNaK1gnMcWzUsErJ5wkDOBgsvMHvsyUS-OBOc8j2F1qofYp4&_nc_ht=scontent-yyz1-1.xx&oh=c62410e6c7aa1ad57c0673f8eac95c44&oe=5DEEC92A)
I have to give this some thought, maybe a lot.
Post by: jeremyrh on August 14, 2019, 06:16:15 am
Post by: JaapD on August 14, 2019, 03:43:10 pm
For Bart:
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/07/22/americans-think-dutch-people-dump-their-children-in-the-woods-and-the-clapback-from-dutch-twitter-was-brutal/
I'm not Bart but let me say that every word of it is true. This is our bad habit as compensation of having no guns, especially the assault rifles and automatic weapons. I’m sure you understand Jeremyrh.
Regards,
Jaap.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on August 14, 2019, 05:29:33 pm
GAS
Very good.
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on August 14, 2019, 07:51:16 pm
Post by: petermfiore on August 16, 2019, 11:17:21 am
;D
So Grandpa of 2018 was a Nazi Soldat...So the grandpa of the future seems to be a better way. Not my way, but better.
This Post is very much a mixed message for me. Maybe I'm missing something. If I am, I would like for some one to enlighten me.
Peter
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 16, 2019, 11:29:37 am
So Grandpa of 2018 was a Nazi Soldat...
I am not a history buff, but it does look like one. It may or may not be true, however. Such mistakes are not uncommon, though (whether they are to laugh or cry, is a good question):
Post by: JoeKitchen on August 16, 2019, 11:42:35 am
So Grandpa of 2018 was a Nazi Soldat...So the grandpa of the future seems to be a better way. Not my way, but better.
This Post is very much a mixed message for me. Maybe I'm missing something. If I am, I would like for some one to enlighten me.
Peter
To be honest, I have no idea if that pic is of a Nazi; this did not even cross my mind. I thought it was an American solder during WW2, and I admit I am not as much of a history buff to be able to tell the difference between uniforms, on the spot without research, of that era without seeing clearly defined symbols, such as a flag or something else.
The joke was comparing the great generation that fought in WW2 to the current Generation Z, which I found humorous when I initially glanced at it.
Thank you for bringing this up.
Further research did in fact prove your comment being true and I removed the posting. I did not mean to promote anything other then a casual joke in comparing different generations.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 16, 2019, 02:52:11 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on August 16, 2019, 04:29:37 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 16, 2019, 04:56:06 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 22, 2019, 01:00:00 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on August 22, 2019, 04:34:20 pm
Success...Ah yes, the Cycle of Life!
Post by: JoeKitchen on August 23, 2019, 11:00:11 am
I love this!
Post by: PeterAit on August 31, 2019, 10:26:36 am
Post by: Bart_van_der_Wolf on August 31, 2019, 02:30:00 pm
For Bart:
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/07/22/americans-think-dutch-people-dump-their-children-in-the-woods-and-the-clapback-from-dutch-twitter-was-brutal/
Hi Jeremy,
Thanks for that one, I missed you posting it.
We had to laugh at the international reactions when it made the news.
Apparently not much else newsworthy going on at that time.
Cheers,
Bart
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on August 31, 2019, 05:37:02 pm
Hi Jeremy,I'm glad you finally made it back from the Forest, Bart! :D
Thanks for that one, I missed you posting it.
We had to laugh at the international reactions when it made the news.
Apparently not much else newsworthy going on at that time.
Cheers,
Bart
Post by: Bart_van_der_Wolf on August 31, 2019, 05:42:22 pm
I'm glad you finally made it back from the Forest, Bart! :D
Ah, we always do. Must be the training ... ;)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on August 31, 2019, 06:12:29 pm
Ah, we always do. Must be the training ... ;)
Or penny-sized forests? ;)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 05, 2019, 01:42:33 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 05, 2019, 10:39:34 am
Quote
Following the incident, The Society for the Prevention of Oversaturation (TSPOS) issued the following statement.
“Over saturating is a serious issue that is not getting enough attention in the mainstream media. Every day, millions of peoples’ aesthetic sensibilities are permanently damaged by the countless oversaturated, syrupy sweet photos posted online.”
“Every second, 4 children are exposed to an oversaturated photo. This has a cumulative effect on their young, developing aesthetic sensibilities, ultimately making the real, physical world look drab and unexciting in comparison. Is it any wonder that they retreat to richly saturated video games and the huetastic virtual world?”
Post by: LesPalenik on September 05, 2019, 10:53:24 am
http://newcameranews.com/2013/12/10/three-people-injured-freak-oversaturation-accident/
Following the incident, The Society for the Prevention of Oversaturation (TSPOS) issued the following statement.
“Over saturating is a serious issue that is not getting enough attention in the mainstream media. Every day, millions of peoples’ aesthetic sensibilities are permanently damaged by the countless oversaturated, syrupy sweet photos posted online.”
“Every second, 4 children are exposed to an oversaturated photo. This has a cumulative effect on their young, developing aesthetic sensibilities, ultimately making the real, physical world look drab and unexciting in comparison. Is it any wonder that they retreat to richly saturated video games and the huetastic virtual world?”
OTOH, many innocent children are exposed daily to monochrome versions of images which looked initially perfect as captured in full color. This leads to over half of the young and over fifty population to a serious depression. And then you have another group of confused children who were exposed to intentionally blurred images.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 05, 2019, 02:08:05 pm
Post by: Rob C on September 05, 2019, 02:22:08 pm
For Rob:
Good one!
:-)
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 05, 2019, 06:12:01 pm
Yes!
Good one!
:-)
In fact, this is the only thread in CC that I check in on regularly.
Thanks, Folks.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 06, 2019, 12:45:31 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 06, 2019, 01:41:32 pm
And now something completely different: Cogito, ergo sum;D
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 06, 2019, 05:43:30 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on September 06, 2019, 06:14:03 pm
Another one on the same subject:Punctuation and grammar are important. Simplifying it to: "I think I'm single" wouldn't be the same.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 11, 2019, 07:09:32 pm
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!” The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blond’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He made his own lunch.”
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 11, 2019, 07:11:22 pm
And now something completely different: Cogito, ergo sum
The version I heard was similar: Descartes walks into a bar. The barman says "would you like a drink". Descartes says "Hmm. I think not." and disappears.
But it loses the opportunity for a pun, so I suppose it's inferior.
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 12, 2019, 12:01:15 pm
Post by: Rob C on September 12, 2019, 12:54:27 pm
I was watching the arrival of late dictator Robert Mugabe's coffin back in
All that display of real or faux honour and dignity, and at the end of it, nothing but a box of product.
Oy vey, as I like to remark for some reason quite beyond me.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 12, 2019, 02:25:32 pm
Who says that artist statements have to be convoluted and full or art-speak? Mine is very concise:OK. Let me try to date this artist. Joined LuLa in 2005 and says his age is 62. Was that 62 in 2005 or 62 now? Gee! It's really hard to pin down. :o
;D
Post by: petermfiore on September 12, 2019, 04:57:23 pm
OK. Let me try to date this artist. Joined LuLa in 2005 and says his age is 62. Was that 62 in 2005 or 62 now? Gee! It's really hard to pin down. :o
;D
very GooD!
Peter
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 15, 2019, 10:03:39 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 15, 2019, 10:31:44 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 24, 2019, 02:59:16 am
A couple are walking across a field when they notice a rather large bull not too far away from them. They call out to a farmer, leaning on the fence: "Excuse me, is this bull safe?"
"Oh yes, he's safe. Safe as houses."
<reflective pause>
"Can't say the same about you, though."
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on September 28, 2019, 04:01:41 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on October 01, 2019, 11:37:24 am
Post by: LesPalenik on October 03, 2019, 01:34:46 am
(http://www.postfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/mouse-is-photographer-16168.jpg)
http://www.postfun.com/incredible/these-animals-really-didnt-want-their-pictures-taken/21/
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 03, 2019, 11:14:33 am
Wildlife PhotographersLove it!!!!!
(http://www.postfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/mouse-is-photographer-16168.jpg)
http://www.postfun.com/incredible/these-animals-really-didnt-want-their-pictures-taken/21/
Post by: PeterAit on October 13, 2019, 08:18:24 am
"What's the matter, sir? I have never seen you this upset."
Bush replied "How ... how ... how many is a brazilian?"
Post by: drmike on October 18, 2019, 08:20:04 am
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.
A SIMPLE TEST
THE SITUATION:
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos with only an old film camera. All your other cameras fell into the torrential flood waters.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's Donald Trump! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the most powerful Republicans in America.
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer. "Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 18, 2019, 12:37:55 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 18, 2019, 01:50:40 pm
I hope this hasn't appeared already nor causes any offence. I hold no views on US politics at all although obviously I am aware of them.
I don't think it's been posted here, but it's as old as the hills and has been told, with variations, about pretty much anyone famous - politician or otherwise - for decades. It's as funny now as it was when it started.
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on October 18, 2019, 02:05:39 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on October 18, 2019, 04:47:23 pm
It's not any more offensive than any other political joke, but there probably are at least a hundred variations on this joke with both Republicans and Democrats in the punchline.Very true.
Post by: petermfiore on October 19, 2019, 07:38:28 am
Peter
Post by: RSL on October 19, 2019, 08:10:28 am
Post by: petermfiore on October 19, 2019, 08:15:32 am
But it's gotta have a street in it, Peter, B&W or color.
How true...I totally forgot!
Peter
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 20, 2019, 01:53:05 pm
Hers
On Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, but he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His
United* lost. Got laid.
[* a football team]
Post by: Peter McLennan on October 20, 2019, 03:10:30 pm
Post by: RSL on October 20, 2019, 03:24:03 pm
Post by: PeterAit on October 30, 2019, 10:35:25 am
One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees something unusual in the surf. Suddenly, emerging from the water is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Post by: RSL on October 30, 2019, 10:39:23 am
Post by: PeterAit on October 30, 2019, 10:58:05 am
Wildlife Photographers
(http://www.postfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/mouse-is-photographer-16168.jpg)
http://www.postfun.com/incredible/these-animals-really-didnt-want-their-pictures-taken/21/
Obviously fake - although cute. What photog would set up a camera with a prickly plant 2" behind the viewfinder?
Post by: Rob C on October 30, 2019, 12:06:40 pm
Obviously fake - although cute. What photog would set up a camera with a prickly plant 2" behind the viewfinder?
A Sony photographer.
;-)
Post by: LesPalenik on October 30, 2019, 01:36:01 pm
Obviously fake - although cute. What photog would set up a camera with a prickly plant 2" behind the viewfinder?
The moss on the branch doesn't look prickly, if anything soft and feathery.
However, the essential trick was sticking a blob of peanut butter on the viewfinder.
Post by: LesPalenik on October 31, 2019, 12:20:49 am
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAMTR9ZVAAIv0KM?format=png&name=small)
Post by: Rob C on November 01, 2019, 06:39:44 am
Very few people know this but the little pocket on your jeans is for your paycheck after taxes.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAMTR9ZVAAIv0KM?format=png&name=small)
I was right all along! It is too large for my pension!
;-)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 10, 2019, 12:23:36 am
Post by: petermfiore on November 10, 2019, 06:39:06 am
How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Too.
Absolutely...: )
Peter
Post by: rabanito on November 10, 2019, 07:23:59 am
How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Too.I had to google "Grammar Nazi"...
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 10, 2019, 12:22:23 pm
Post by: PeterAit on November 16, 2019, 04:37:56 pm
I had to google "Grammar Nazi"...
A better term is "grammar nanny."
Post by: petermfiore on November 16, 2019, 04:43:15 pm
A better term is "grammar nanny."
Way too polite for what it is...
Peter
Post by: PeterAit on November 16, 2019, 05:04:38 pm
Way too polite for what it is...
Peter
Associating people who are grammar fuss-budgets with a regime that murdered millions seems wrong.
Post by: petermfiore on November 16, 2019, 05:54:52 pm
Associating people who are grammar fuss-budgets with a regime that murdered millions seems wrong.
The Nazi regime was without a doubt a blight upon humanity. You are right Peter.
Peter
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 16, 2019, 06:06:09 pm
Post by: petermfiore on November 16, 2019, 07:33:51 pm
I think the inspiration for the term "Grammar Nazi" was not directly the original Nasty Nazis, but rather the character on the Seinfeld TV program known as the Soup Nazi, who insisted that everybody follow his rules to the letter.
Yes indeed!!
Peter
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 17, 2019, 03:56:22 am
Jeremy
Post by: rabanito on November 17, 2019, 04:12:51 am
Entertaining though the discussion of the term grammar nazi might be, the problem with the original joke is that it confuses a spelling mistake with a grammatical error.
Jeremy
This is also a joke, isn't it? :)
One should be always wary of "british humour"
Post by: rabanito on November 17, 2019, 04:35:29 am
I think the inspiration for the term "Grammar Nazi" was not directly the original Nasty Nazis, but rather the character on the Seinfeld TV program known as the Soup Nazi, who insisted that everybody follow his rules to the letter.
I just didn't understand the term in that context.
As with many catchwords, it can have different meanings to different persons or cultures.
As for the word "nazi", it is IMO just a extremely negative term used to disqualify others, just that.
E.g. translate "fkng bstrd" to other languages. It sounds childish at most, not a real invective ;)
Post by: Rob C on November 17, 2019, 05:10:59 am
I think the inspiration for the term "Grammar Nazi" was not directly the original Nasty Nazis, but rather the character on the Seinfeld TV program known as the Soup Nazi, who insisted that everybody follow his rules to the letter.
Alphabet soup, then.
Rob
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 17, 2019, 01:33:09 pm
This is also a joke, isn't it? :)
Not really, no; it's a pedantic but perfectly valid point. "Grammar" and "spelling" are not the same, and a mistake in one doesn't necessarily mean (and doesn't mean in the example) that the other is also wrong. It was still mildly amusing, though, I concede.
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 17, 2019, 01:35:33 pm
Jeremy
Post by: LesPalenik on November 19, 2019, 08:53:07 pm
Post by: PeterAit on November 29, 2019, 05:05:42 pm
Later the president came by the pens and was told about the rooster. He asked the farmer "With the same hen every time?" The farmer replied "Oh no, a different hen each time." The president said "Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
Post by: JoeKitchen on December 14, 2019, 03:40:17 pm
Post by: PeterAit on December 16, 2019, 08:35:14 am
Post by: RSL on December 16, 2019, 09:34:17 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 16, 2019, 03:50:19 pm
:D :D ;D ;D A good one, Peter.+1.
Post by: Rob C on December 16, 2019, 04:16:32 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on December 17, 2019, 05:44:04 pm
The follow asks, "Can I borrow one?" and she says, "No." He asks in a huff, "Why not?" and she replies, "You'll no bring it back."
Post by: Rob C on December 18, 2019, 03:29:06 am
Post by: drmike on December 18, 2019, 03:30:13 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 18, 2019, 06:00:36 am
And the Scots delivery seems to suit the joke so well. 'You won't bring it back' doesn't have the same feel.+1.
Post by: PeterAit on December 20, 2019, 08:16:43 am
"Well," replied the Mother Superior, "construction workers will call a spade a spade."
"I wouldn't mind that, but they call it a goddamn motherf*cking shovel."
Post by: LesPalenik on December 21, 2019, 10:45:14 am
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Post by: Rob C on December 21, 2019, 10:59:39 am
:-)
Post by: petermfiore on December 21, 2019, 04:18:45 pm
Peter
Post by: KLaban on December 25, 2019, 10:14:31 am
For the rest, well enjoy.
Reindeer Reality (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_jjRuevSKs)
Post by: Rob C on December 25, 2019, 10:24:34 am
Warning, the following clip could be unsuitable for those with a particularly sensitive disposition or reindeer lovers in general.
For the rest, well enjoy.
Reindeer Reality (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_jjRuevSKs)
I know a guy who sounds exactly like that! I blame the beer and two lousy marriages, poor guy.
:-)
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 25, 2019, 10:51:57 am
Thanks for that, Keith.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 12, 2020, 12:12:34 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 12, 2020, 02:07:44 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on January 12, 2020, 02:13:27 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 12, 2020, 03:24:27 pm
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on January 12, 2020, 03:43:46 pm
Post by: PeterAit on January 19, 2020, 11:42:10 am
The young seminary student is invited to have tea with the Mother Superior at the convent across town. It's a lovely day so he decides to walk. His route takes him thru some of the seedier parts of town.
Soon a young woman in short-shorts and a halter top comes up to him and asks "How about a quickie for ten bucks?" He has no idea what she is talking about so mumbles something and walks on.
Soon another similarly dressed woman comes up and asks the same question: "Ten bucks for a quicky?" He hurriedly walks on.
He gets to the convent and has an enjoyable tea with the Mother Superior. As he's about to leave, his curiosity gets the better of him. "Mother Superior, what's a quicky?"
"Ten bucks, same as in town."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 20, 2020, 04:35:09 am
My apologies if this is a re-run.
Accepted: https://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=103793.msg970263;topicseen#msg970263
Jeremy
Post by: PeterAit on January 26, 2020, 11:55:32 am
A couple is driving home from church on a Sunday morning, with their young daughter in the back seat. They are complaining about the church: boring sermon, music not to their liking, and so on. The daughter pipes up "What do you expect for a dollar?"
Post by: drmike on February 04, 2020, 11:44:10 am
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.
First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour."
"And the devil?"
The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 06, 2020, 03:33:21 pm
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on February 06, 2020, 04:09:08 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on February 06, 2020, 04:57:46 pm
;D ;D 8) :o+1!
Post by: Peter McLennan on February 07, 2020, 12:01:31 am
Post by: LesPalenik on February 12, 2020, 12:03:52 am
https://twitter.com/moscowtimes/status/1226837337923104768?s=12
Post by: Redcrown on February 12, 2020, 02:04:28 am
A cowboy moved to Montana from Texas. He walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, one in Arizona, the other in Colorado. When we left Texas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender says it's a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I'd like to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, then he smiles and laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife made me join the Baptist Church with her and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Post by: PeterAit on February 24, 2020, 12:38:21 pm
Post by: Redcrown on February 25, 2020, 11:31:02 pm
Post by: Rob C on February 26, 2020, 09:42:31 am
NASA scientists have proven that, in theory, if you run in a tight circle at the speed of light you could screw yourself. However, since nobody can run that fast, they offer that it would be much easier to just vote Democratic in the next election.
Again proving that
Post by: PeterAit on March 04, 2020, 08:50:38 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 04, 2020, 01:06:46 pm
I had to chuckle...Me too. But if it were my pie, the sections would be reversed.
Post by: Rob C on March 04, 2020, 02:45:59 pm
Me too. But if it were my pie, the sections would be reversed.
Had my late wife made it, there would be no pie to observe and measure.
:-(
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 16, 2020, 06:20:08 pm
Post by: armand on March 17, 2020, 02:06:09 am
A guy I went to high school just posted this. :D
Funny!
Post by: armand on March 17, 2020, 02:08:01 am
Post by: Frans Waterlander on March 17, 2020, 12:27:21 pm
Sorry Trump supporters but this video about the current Coronavirus situation it’s too funny to keep it just for me: https://youtu.be/Hks6Nq7g6P4Funny?
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 17, 2020, 12:57:04 pm
Sorry Trump supporters but this video about the current Coronavirus situation it’s too funny to keep it just for me: https://youtu.be/Hks6Nq7g6P4Yes, Painful but funny.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 17, 2020, 09:54:55 pm
Post by: armand on March 18, 2020, 01:17:10 am
The new snow!
Or this
Post by: armand on March 18, 2020, 02:09:24 am
Post by: LesPalenik on March 18, 2020, 03:41:31 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 18, 2020, 08:12:31 am
Post by: drmike on March 18, 2020, 08:20:33 am
Post by: armand on March 18, 2020, 08:57:59 am
Another possible toilet paper substitute.
Post this on Facebook and you'll know your next shortage.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on March 18, 2020, 02:20:19 pm
Best yet :)+1.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 18, 2020, 04:22:21 pm
Post by: PeterAit on March 19, 2020, 09:00:34 am
Post by: rabanito on March 19, 2020, 01:31:08 pm
With no sports on TV, I spent half an hour talking with my wife, and I learned some interesting things. For example, she's a lawyer and we have 2 children.
;D
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 19, 2020, 09:41:43 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 19, 2020, 10:20:16 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on March 19, 2020, 11:06:11 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 20, 2020, 06:54:52 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 20, 2020, 10:34:26 am
Many parents are just about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 20, 2020, 10:40:37 am
I saw a poster on FB that said:
Many parents are just about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.
As a former teacher, this is music to my ears.
Likewise, everyone is about to find out how much more important farmers, truck drivers, train engineers, long shore-man, stock boys etc. are then lawyers, bankers, ad guys, photographers, actors, Silicon Valley elites, etc., etc.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 20, 2020, 10:48:14 am
Likewise, everyone is about to find out how much more important farmers, truck drivers, train engineers, long shore-man, stock boys etc. are then lawyers, bankers, ad guys, photographers, actors, Silicon Valley elites, etc., etc.
Too right. My cousin worked with a guy who used to complain about all the money spent on maintaining rural roads or supporting small towns. My cousin asked him where he though his food came from. There's no app for plowing snow or picking up garbage.
Sorry, this isn't humour, is it.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 20, 2020, 10:52:34 am
Too right. My cousin worked with a guy who used to complain about all the money spent on maintaining rural roads or supporting small towns. My cousin asked him where he though his food came from. There's no app for plowing snow or picking up garbage.
Sorry, this isn't humour, is it.
True, so let's bring it back to humor.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 21, 2020, 07:48:07 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 21, 2020, 08:16:49 am
Post by: armand on March 21, 2020, 09:50:19 am
The new panic room!
Who knew TP will be such a resource for jokes
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 22, 2020, 07:14:30 am
kilgore trout, stonks autographer (@KT_So_It_Goes)
2020-03-21, 4:45 PM
I do not understand how mcdonalds can serve two billion hamburgers every year but when I order five million at the drive thru it overwhelms the system
Post by: PeterAit on March 22, 2020, 08:47:36 am
Post by: armand on March 22, 2020, 11:31:33 am
Post by: armand on March 22, 2020, 12:12:31 pm
We also celebrated at a barbecue with small ones!
But let's discuss optimistic things: what music do you want at the funeral?
Post by: armand on March 22, 2020, 12:24:21 pm
Post by: Rob C on March 22, 2020, 12:38:38 pm
Commitment
What was the purpose of those bricks of Kodachrome?
;-)
Post by: armand on March 22, 2020, 12:52:24 pm
What was the purpose of those bricks of Kodachrome?
;-)
Selfies
Post by: armand on March 22, 2020, 12:53:37 pm
A. with 30 lbs more
B. alcoholic
C. divorced
D. all of the above
Post by: LesPalenik on March 22, 2020, 03:27:44 pm
How to do you think the quarantine will end:
A. with 30 lbs more
B. alcoholic
C. divorced
D. all of the above
For population under 40 with more children
Post by: armand on March 22, 2020, 03:42:04 pm
Post by: PeterAit on March 22, 2020, 03:51:36 pm
Post by: faberryman on March 22, 2020, 04:00:48 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 22, 2020, 04:20:56 pm
I am just glad that there is no daily self-adulation and medical intuition hour today.
We should probably all be grateful that there are no thought police. :)
Post by: petermfiore on March 22, 2020, 05:44:32 pm
We should probably all be grateful that there are no thought police. :)
You mustn't have Alexa.....?
Peter
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 22, 2020, 10:22:17 pm
You mustn't have Alexa.....?
Peter
Nooooooo !
Post by: armand on March 24, 2020, 12:36:43 am
Do you want to know who your friends are? Ask to borrow a roll of toilet paper.
Post by: Rajan Parrikar on March 24, 2020, 06:22:33 am
Post by: kers on March 24, 2020, 06:41:28 am
Post by: Paulo Bizarro on March 24, 2020, 01:33:58 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on March 25, 2020, 06:33:42 am
Jeremy
Post by: petermfiore on March 25, 2020, 07:45:40 am
The first time (of many) that I read that joke, the man who'd jumped out of the plane with the non-parachute was Kissinger.
Jeremy
Exactly! That was back in My high school days. 72 or so. And it probably goes back to Noah with one of his sons jumping ship....
Peter
Post by: armand on March 25, 2020, 09:50:49 am
Two cops see somebody rushing in the street. One of cops lifts his machine gun and shoots him.
-Volodia, why did you shot him? It's only 8.45pm.
- I know him, he lives far from here, he wouldn't have made it.
Post by: armand on March 25, 2020, 11:29:33 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 26, 2020, 03:51:32 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 26, 2020, 07:12:29 am
If you invented a character in a novel or movie that did this, people wouldn't believe it, would consider it farce, justifiably so. Except maybe in a Tim Dorsey novel, where the shelf licker might be the sanest person in the book. I couldn't make stuff like this up.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 27, 2020, 11:13:20 am
Pelosi Delays Stimulus Package Until Her New Souvenir Pens Come In (https://babylonbee.com/news/pelosi-delays-stimulus-package-until-her-new-souvenir-pens-come-in)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 27, 2020, 11:43:28 am
Post by: Rob C on March 27, 2020, 11:51:05 am
Maybe that handy Urban Dictionary may help...
Rob
Post by: PeterAit on March 27, 2020, 12:00:51 pm
You got to admit, this one is pretty good.
No I don't.
Post by: drmike on March 27, 2020, 12:04:47 pm
What is that - off a car? Haven't looked at any car parts in decades, but it reminds me of car air filter interiors.
Maybe that handy Urban Dictionary may help...
Rob
Your memory serves you well. An air filter from a car. Cute but useless.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 27, 2020, 03:37:18 pm
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 27, 2020, 03:38:22 pm
No I don't.
Well, I'm not surprise. People on the left have completely lost the ability to laugh at themselves.
Maybe that is a lesson you can take from Trump, he is always making jokes at his expense.
Lighten up man.
Post by: Chris Kern on March 27, 2020, 03:43:29 pm
Maybe that is a lesson you can take from Trump, he is always making jokes at his expense.
That's true. But they're unintentional.
Post by: Craig Lamson on March 27, 2020, 03:49:24 pm
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant, when I pee it cleans the toilet.
You think some dogs are hard to train, we have humans who have not learned to sit and stay.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 27, 2020, 04:02:38 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 27, 2020, 04:03:15 pm
That's true. But they're unintentional.
Some are, some are deliberate. He constantly jokes about his orange complexion and lack of diction.
Post by: PeterAit on March 27, 2020, 04:14:38 pm
Well, I'm not surprise. People on the left have completely lost the ability to laugh at themselves.
Maybe that is a lesson you can take from Trump, he is always making jokes at his expense.
Lighten up man.
I am afraid you are right, about some of us--but not all or even most. Replace Pelosi with Trump and I still wouldn't have found it funny. Or clever, or witty.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 27, 2020, 04:31:35 pm
I am afraid you are right, about some of us--but not all or even most. Replace Pelosi with Trump and I still wouldn't have found it funny. Or clever, or witty.
But you got the reference right? The joke would not make sense with Trump.
And I high disagree with that most libs are okay joking about themselves. Have you seen late night TV in the last 3 years?
Post by: Craig Lamson on March 27, 2020, 04:38:58 pm
But you got the reference right? The joke would not make sense with Trump.
I think that one was a whoosh...
Post by: Rob C on March 28, 2020, 05:21:09 am
...
Brilliant!
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 28, 2020, 07:21:58 am
I think that one was a whoosh...
I'm afraid you'e right.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 28, 2020, 07:40:31 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 28, 2020, 08:54:54 am
Here's another; trigger warning, it's non-PC.
Kung Flu Fighting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPGw5Ucmwk8)
Post by: Craig Lamson on March 28, 2020, 10:06:42 am
https://www.facebook.com/julie.cole.75/videos/3289110717769759/
Post by: Rob C on March 28, 2020, 10:57:49 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs0_ntO3OsE
;-)
Post by: Bart_van_der_Wolf on March 28, 2020, 11:25:57 am
Coronavirus Rhapsody
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lr_tEdQvFcc
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 28, 2020, 11:40:46 am
Post by: armand on March 28, 2020, 11:43:09 am
But you got the reference right? The joke would not make sense with Trump.
And I high disagree with that most libs are okay joking about themselves. Have you seen late night TV in the last 3 years?
The joke is kind of lost on me, or to be more precise why it's better with Pelosi than Trump. I don't know much about Pelosi.
Post by: Frans Waterlander on March 28, 2020, 12:42:51 pm
I don't know much about Pelosi.Consider yourself lucky! Keep it that way.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 28, 2020, 12:48:39 pm
The joke is kind of lost on me, or to be more precise why it's better with Pelosi than Trump. I don't know much about Pelosi.
After holding up signing the impeachment articles and sending them to the Senate for a month, she handed out souvenir pens with her name on the pens when she finally did so.
It did get a lot of press in conservative outlets, but I guess
Post by: armand on March 28, 2020, 01:21:34 pm
After holding up signing the impeachment articles and sending them to the Senate for a month, she handed out souvenir pens with her name on the pens when she finally did so.
It did get a lot of press in conservative outlets, but I guessliberalmainstream media did not see an issue with it.
Aha. Or maybe it wasn't that important. Most likely I just missed it because I don't read this stuff too often. Don't worry, I likely know only a very small piece of what is said about Trump also.
Post by: armand on March 28, 2020, 02:56:00 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 28, 2020, 04:15:52 pm
Post by: PeterAit on March 29, 2020, 10:26:57 am
There's a plane with 4 passengers on board: Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi, Pope Francis, and a 10-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 3 parachutes. Trump says: "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the world and am needed to make America great again." He takes one and heads for the door. Pelosi snatches his chute away and gives him a shove.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 29, 2020, 10:35:27 am
...I thought of a variant: ...
Peter, you are apparently as good at humor as you are at political analysis ;D
Post by: PeterAit on March 29, 2020, 11:23:39 am
Peter, you are apparently as good at humor as you are at political analysis ;D
But in both cases, better than you ;D.
Post by: drmike on March 29, 2020, 11:54:54 am
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. ,Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Post by: drmike on March 29, 2020, 11:59:46 am
I'm safe from the Coronavirus as I've taken to wearing my wife's knickers as a face mask.
Nothing gets into them.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 29, 2020, 12:26:25 pm
Have we had this one?
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. ,Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Doing repeats? I posted this on the page prior. ;)
Post by: Craig Lamson on March 29, 2020, 12:53:09 pm
BJ donut for toilet paper.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbKH32DWNjs
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 29, 2020, 01:08:53 pm
Post by: drmike on March 29, 2020, 02:22:21 pm
Doing repeats? I posted this on the page prior. ;)
Sorry Joe.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 29, 2020, 03:38:09 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 29, 2020, 05:23:08 pm
Sorry Joe.
No worries; I was being ironical anyway.
Post by: drmike on March 30, 2020, 05:33:23 am
I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.
When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.
He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show.
Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground!
As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors!
On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning.
One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine.
Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true!
So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second.
Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside.
Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward.
Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him.
The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding.
It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could.
He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months.
Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life.
As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub.
So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window.
He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room.
Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate.
He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone.
Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???”
“Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.”
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 30, 2020, 06:18:48 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 30, 2020, 07:19:25 am
And must be interesting to be a dog today.
Post by: Rob C on March 30, 2020, 07:27:21 am
Severe consequences for art in Chicago, after mandated social distancing rules:
Not a time to flog the Seurat, then.
;-)
Post by: KLaban on March 31, 2020, 01:00:02 pm
We are a week into self-isolation and it’s very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window, staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
It breaks my heart to see her like this. I’ve thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I’ve even considered letting her come in…..but rules are rules.
Post by: JoeKitchen on March 31, 2020, 05:50:40 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on April 01, 2020, 12:41:19 am
The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to the government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as the Government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependent & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPEd and staying on will receive as much S**T (Special High-Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided itself on the amount of S**T they give our citizens Should you feel that you do not receive enough S**T, please bring this to the attention of your local authorities as they have been trained to give you all the S**T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)
P.S.
Due to the virus, recent cuts to the budget, and rising costs of utilities as well as the current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 01, 2020, 07:05:20 am
Post by: drmike on April 01, 2020, 07:10:48 am
Post by: drmike on April 01, 2020, 07:17:02 am
Just got back from the supermarket, and amidst all the supposed controls the supermarkets say they are applying, guy in the next aisle had 15 cases of Sol, 10 bottles of tequila, 10 enchiladas and a big bag of chillies.
I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 01, 2020, 12:56:28 pm
Wife: Me too!
Husband: April 1st, hahaha
Wife: February 23rd
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 02, 2020, 07:38:13 am
Post by: petermfiore on April 02, 2020, 08:26:05 am
Some people will be relieved on this one.
Oops! Never knew it was a problem....
Peter
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 03, 2020, 10:57:33 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 03, 2020, 11:13:16 am
FYI, this is a real online event. I hope to God people record this.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 03, 2020, 01:44:40 pm
Jeremy
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 03, 2020, 02:06:15 pm
I only follow these things from a distance, of course, but isn't a "VIP clutch" something that has caused him trouble in the past?
Jeremy
That was great.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 03, 2020, 06:20:16 pm
Post by: Rob C on April 04, 2020, 05:03:49 am
I only follow these things from a distance, of course, but isn't a "VIP clutch" something that has caused him trouble in the past?
Jeremy
As with the suggestion of doing the same did for his political opposite, the deemed POTUS.
I ignore any invitation that wants me to buy access. It reminds me of an immortal line from Forever Amber: my tail's for sale; half-a-crown will lay me down.
Post by: LesPalenik on April 04, 2020, 06:23:49 am
...This man has been dealing with viruses since Windows95
That's right. I recall that the Blaster Worm virus in 2003 which contained a message for Bill Gates, came also from China.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blaster_(computer_worm)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 05, 2020, 06:03:57 am
Post by: armand on April 05, 2020, 10:57:13 am
...
On the same line, see attached. Joke aside, it seems the religious people think they are above this, here or elsewhere. Reality bites.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 05, 2020, 12:23:20 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 05, 2020, 12:24:06 pm
Jeremy
Post by: armand on April 05, 2020, 12:39:11 pm
And a few more.
Jeremy
Last is the best but the policemen need masks
Post by: Peter McLennan on April 05, 2020, 02:02:19 pm
Sorry, this forum won't give a preview image of a YouTube video. It's English, and it's called "Fuck All", in case you've seen it.
NSFW
Post by: rabanito on April 05, 2020, 05:13:37 pm
And a few more.
Jeremy
The Swiss version of the Easter bunny is more thorough (of course!) ;)
"Swiss Chocolate Bunny decorated with marzipan.
including the rules of conduct in the quarantine in a sweet way (also edible)"
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 05, 2020, 06:18:56 pm
Yes, it was easy imagining Trump voice saying that.
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 06, 2020, 03:39:14 am
Post by: William Walker on April 06, 2020, 06:33:19 am
This wedding crowd from a rural area thought no-one would notice... they were all arrested and charged, this video shows the bride being bundled into a police vehicle. The language your hear spoken is Zulu.
https://youtu.be/HvB_AyS5STI
Post by: LesPalenik on April 06, 2020, 06:42:11 am
In South Africa we are on day 10 of a 21-day lockdown. The terms are quite tough, no gatherings, no church, funerals limited to 50, and a big one for some folks, no liquor sales.
This wedding crowd from a rural area thought no-one would notice... they were all arrested and charged, this video shows the bride being bundled into a police vehicle. The language your hear spoken is Zulu.
https://youtu.be/HvB_AyS5STI
Not funny! Maybe it should be posted to a more serious thread.
Post by: William Walker on April 06, 2020, 06:53:25 am
Not funny! Maybe it should be posted to a more serious thread.
Not funny? I'd love to go for a walk every evening, but I don't.
I have no sympathy for folks who think they are above the law.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 06, 2020, 07:09:07 am
Not funny? ...
Not at all.
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 06, 2020, 07:46:42 am
Post by: LesPalenik on April 06, 2020, 08:15:09 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 06, 2020, 09:31:50 am
Casinos are closed, but some churches opened last weekend. Just for mass or also for bingo?
You know what they say, idle hands are the devil's playthings.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 06, 2020, 02:46:26 pm
Post by: kers on April 06, 2020, 03:31:26 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HrIVWziJ0Y&feature=youtu.be
Post by: William Walker on April 07, 2020, 06:14:35 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 07, 2020, 07:22:32 am
Alan, any relation..? ;D
Now, that's funny!
Post by: Rob C on April 07, 2020, 07:33:11 am
Now, that's funny!
And how she speaks for others, though a gag might have been enough to solve the problem.
Having said which, perhaps there's shelter for her after all in that pesky Amendment?
;-)
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 07, 2020, 07:41:02 am
...
Oh Jeez, looks like Bill Gates is still having his own virus issues.
Tragic: Bill Gates Had A Cure For Coronavirus But It Was Erased By A Windows Virus (https://babylonbee.com/news/tragic-bill-gates-had-a-cure-for-coronavirus-but-it-was-wiped-out-by-a-windows-virus)
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 07, 2020, 09:16:08 am
Post by: PeterAit on April 07, 2020, 05:47:01 pm
Sadist: "No."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 08, 2020, 06:01:30 am
https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-recommends-shutting-down-internet-to-prevent-spread-of-jokes?utm_content=buffer1d3f7&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR3vbEbuiZwrM9_LUTJPGC-R17eu-RCQ0MZ4oKQ5PUpPOltIJr6R4ppn4Q4
Quote
"Everyone must quarantine away from the internet so that 'humor' and 'jokes' and 'satire' don't continue to spread around the country," said a spokesperson. "Should the internet stay up, we'll continue to run the risk that someone might laugh at a joke or read a satirical article and not know that it isn't true. We can't sleep at night until we know that all humor is dead."
"It's the only way to be sure."
Some people warned that this might have negative side effects. Snopes has sent out the thought police to take these people into one of its state-of-the-art reeducation camps.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 08, 2020, 07:43:22 am
Honestly, I feel more like crying than laughing at this one, too close to C19 reality.
https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-recommends-shutting-down-internet-to-prevent-spread-of-jokes?utm_content=buffer1d3f7&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR3vbEbuiZwrM9_LUTJPGC-R17eu-RCQ0MZ4oKQ5PUpPOltIJr6R4ppn4Q4
I'm not familiar with Babylon Bee, are they a satire site along the lines of The Onion? Too many sites, too little time.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 08, 2020, 08:35:40 am
I'm not familiar with Babylon Bee, are they a satire site along the lines of The Onion?
Yes, with a conservative bent.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 08, 2020, 08:41:30 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 08, 2020, 09:11:19 am
Honestly, I feel more like crying than laughing at this one, too close to C19 reality.
https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-recommends-shutting-down-internet-to-prevent-spread-of-jokes?utm_content=buffer1d3f7&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR3vbEbuiZwrM9_LUTJPGC-R17eu-RCQ0MZ4oKQ5PUpPOltIJr6R4ppn4Q4
Sometimes jokes can get pretty dangerous! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prDoDPIpX4E)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 09, 2020, 09:33:14 am
"Do you know what democracy is?"
"Sure... that's when two idiots have more rights than one smart guy."
Post by: Rob C on April 09, 2020, 11:17:18 am
Teacher asks little Johnny:
"Do you know what democracy is?"
"Sure... that's when two idiots have more rights than one smart guy."
From the mouths of babes...
;-)
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 09, 2020, 12:58:02 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 10, 2020, 08:19:32 am
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 10, 2020, 08:32:55 am
A priest, a rabbit and an iman walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
This is definitely a typo, unless you had in mind this: ;)
Post by: Rob C on April 10, 2020, 08:50:43 am
This is definitely a typo, unless you had in mind this: ;)
One of Hans Feurer's best models way, way back on Lampedusa.
Post by: LesPalenik on April 10, 2020, 08:52:31 am
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on ‘Wheel of Fortune’. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog and we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine ... will the producers of ‘My 600 Pound Life’ just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year". I'm offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 10, 2020, 09:22:20 am
This is definitely a typo, unless you had in mind this: ;)
Oops. It's important to proofread.
Post by: Watermelon_seller on April 10, 2020, 10:19:19 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 10, 2020, 12:46:23 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 10, 2020, 12:50:29 pm
NSFW
Post by: armand on April 10, 2020, 01:12:35 pm
Sign at a liquor store in NYC.
NSFW
Love this!
Post by: armand on April 11, 2020, 12:31:40 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 11, 2020, 07:53:51 am
Quote
Serbia is facing a shortage of hours for the curfew
Serbian President dispelled those rumors: "Already next Tuesday we are starting with production of new hours, we have enough capacity for that. And on Wednesday, a plane from China will bring new supply of hours necessary for the curfew..."
P.S. This weekend, we are under a 60-hour house arrest
Post by: Rob C on April 11, 2020, 08:20:32 am
From Serbia's own version of The Onion and Babylon Bee:
They do Trump and Borisisms well!
:-)
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 11, 2020, 09:23:27 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 11, 2020, 02:23:22 pm
A priest, a rabbit and an iman walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
The joke works a lot better if they walk into a blood bank.
Jeremy
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 11, 2020, 10:37:55 pm
The joke works a lot better if they walk into a blood bank.
Jeremy
That would be like getting two jokes for the price of one.
Post by: PeterAit on April 13, 2020, 04:28:12 pm
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
And the third half, fat :D!
Post by: degrub on April 13, 2020, 05:44:21 pm
Post by: armand on April 13, 2020, 07:06:04 pm
Post by: armand on April 13, 2020, 10:02:22 pm
A French defense contractor riding in a Dassault fighter learned the hard way that the grab bar next to his seat was actually the ejection handle.
https://www.caranddriver.com/news/a32131240/french-dassault-fighter-jet-joyride/
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 14, 2020, 02:32:16 pm
He's back! Joe Biden, April 13th, 2020
The best part of this is Bernie's face. You can see Bernie thinking, "why the hell did I just drop out!"
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 15, 2020, 04:05:39 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 15, 2020, 01:31:05 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on April 15, 2020, 01:43:19 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 15, 2020, 01:50:29 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on April 15, 2020, 08:07:03 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 15, 2020, 09:03:19 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 15, 2020, 09:05:42 pm
See libs, sometimes you need to laugh at your own side!
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 16, 2020, 03:59:35 pm
Post by: armand on April 16, 2020, 04:06:45 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 16, 2020, 04:27:48 pm
A friend just informed me CNN's ratings are below Sport's Center even though there are no live sports on. Wow, talk about embarrassing.
Post by: LesPalenik on April 16, 2020, 05:41:37 pm
https://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=134519.0
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 16, 2020, 06:29:19 pm
The initial news was that Tesla was going to make those ventilators.
https://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=134519.0
Yet they still delivered. Perhaps you would have felt better if CA never got them?
Post by: armand on April 16, 2020, 07:25:41 pm
Yet they still delivered. Perhaps you would have felt better if CA never got them?
Those were CPAPs not ventilators. Did Tesla make any model that was they delivered?
Post by: armand on April 16, 2020, 07:26:58 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 16, 2020, 08:52:02 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 16, 2020, 08:58:04 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 18, 2020, 04:47:55 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 18, 2020, 05:36:15 pm
Post by: PeterAit on April 19, 2020, 10:13:34 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 19, 2020, 11:18:27 am
A fellow was in an airplane at 20,000 ft and fell out. Fortunately they had made him wear a parachute. He opened the chute and drifted slowly downwards. About halfway he reasoned "This chute has really slowed my descent, so I can take it off."
More of an informational video with some pretty funny dark humor mixed in, worth the watch.
What is the Best Way to Survive Falling Out of a Plane with No Parachute? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBX82EznQN0)
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 19, 2020, 08:40:45 pm
Store boss flips off coronavirus hoarder asking for $10K toilet paper refund (https://globalnews.ca/news/6827299/coronavirus-toilet-paper/)
Post by: drmike on April 20, 2020, 03:13:30 am
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; Asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 20, 2020, 05:08:31 am
Post by: drmike on April 20, 2020, 07:46:07 am
Once upon a time, in the continent of Africa ruled the great chief
Zambaba. He had 3 dozen sons, and as they grew older they became very
hard to keep amused.
Desperate to find something for his sons to do, Zambaba called for the
great wise man, Ztahara. For 80 days and nights Zambaba waited in his hut
for the wise man. When Ztahara did show up, Zambaba muttered something to
the effect of "Go around the world or something?" With his frustration
vented, he beseeched the great Ztahara to suggest something for his 3
dozen very bored princes to do.
Ztahara looked up at the sky, and uttered some mumbo jumbo. He danced
around for another week, consulted bones and such. Finally, at his wit's
end, Zambaba slipped the old guy fifty quid, and the two got down to
business.
"You must send your sons on a quest. Each must bring back 1 exotic gift.
The most exotic gift you receive will be given be the most worthy prince
to be king."
So with this said, Zambaba sent his sons out into the world. After many
weeks, his youngest son returned with a very exotic gift: a stone throne.
The chief, who had to stand around all of the time, was very pleased at
the gift. There was celebration and dancing.
A week later, his second youngest son returned with another exotic gift:A
straw throne. The king preferred it to the stone throne because it was
soft and was a bit warmer. To keep the servants off of the old chair, he
had the stone throne put into the attic. There was much dancing and
rejoicing.
A week later, the chief's third youngest son returned with: a wooden
throne. (Which was nice because the straw throne was getting to look a
bit shabby). There even more dancing and rejoicing and, yet again, the
older throne was put into the attic.
Well, for the next year and a half, the chief received more and more
thrones from his sons. Gold thrones, platinum thrones, ivory thrones,
thrones made out of herring, fur covered thrones and even ergonomically
correct thrones.
Each new throne was more luxurious and more comfortable
than the last. Since the king was touched by the receipt of each gift, he
did not have the heart to throw them away, neither could he bear to let
servants sit on them. Thus each throne, in turn, was stuffed into the
attic.
At last the eldest son arrived with the most magnificent throne of all.
It had everything, a leather interior, dolby surround sound, a fridge
underneath, a beer holder, full body massager and (or course) one of those
annoying upholstery arm thingies that hold the remote control. Since the
last throne was the wrong colour, it was thrown into the attic and this
last throne was declared a winner.
There was a loud drunken party that night to celebrate. All of the noise,
and the inebriated people stepping through the walls weakened the already
overloaded structure of the hut, causing it to collapse on top of the
king and all of his princes.
Moral of the story:
A terrible play on words
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He who lives in grass house should not stow thrones.
Post by: armand on April 20, 2020, 08:40:04 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 21, 2020, 07:51:00 am
Post by: RSL on April 21, 2020, 09:03:22 am
Johnnie was told by his teacher that “frugal” means to save, and he was to write a short story in which he included the word. So he wrote this:
A young prince was out walking when he came to a deep hole in the ground where a beautiful princess was trapped.
“Frugal me. Frugal me,” she shouted at him. So he jumped in the hole and frugaled her. And they both lived happily ever after.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on April 25, 2020, 11:30:35 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 25, 2020, 12:51:14 pm
I sure hope this is a spoof, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHn0m9tyscE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHn0m9tyscE).
That's Florida for you.
;)
Post by: Rob C on April 26, 2020, 09:37:43 am
...
The woman on the left looks like the woman holding the blade in the well-known HC-B shot of prostitutes in Mexico, I think it was.
Post by: Rajan Parrikar on April 27, 2020, 05:27:43 am
The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology.
The newspaper responded the next day with an apology and reported that one-half of the MPs were not crooks.”
I came across this joke here. (https://rjlipton.wordpress.com/2020/04/26/time-for-some-jokes/)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 28, 2020, 05:15:12 am
Post by: PeterAit on April 28, 2020, 09:31:45 am
For mask lovers:
Good one! If it weren't for the file name I would have been clueless.
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 28, 2020, 01:32:24 pm
Post by: Rob C on April 28, 2020, 05:56:09 pm
Good one! If it weren't for the file name I would have been clueless.
Heysoos, Peter! You must be very young...
:-)
Post by: Chris Kern on April 28, 2020, 07:52:58 pm
Man skillfully raps Dr. Seuss rhymes over Dr. Dre beats in a must-see mashup (https://www.upworthy.com/dr-seuss-dr-dre-epic-rap-mashup)
Brilliant!
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 28, 2020, 08:03:53 pm
Brilliant!
I thought so as well.
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 29, 2020, 09:03:38 am
Post by: drmike on April 29, 2020, 11:18:25 am
Post by: armand on April 30, 2020, 01:51:36 pm
Post by: Chairman Bill on April 30, 2020, 02:54:07 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on April 30, 2020, 05:45:58 pm
I've got the vaccine. Seems to be working well, just the one side-effect. If you see me, please don't throw a stickArf!
Post by: Chris Kern on April 30, 2020, 06:22:16 pm
I've got the vaccine. Seems to be working well, just the one side-effect. If you see me, please don't throw a stick
I suspect you're barking up the wrong tree with that drug.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 01, 2020, 01:52:44 am
Post by: LesPalenik on May 01, 2020, 02:21:08 am
Post by: William Walker on May 01, 2020, 06:36:31 am
"One sportscaster in the United Kingdom shares his latest coronavirus quarantine play-by-play featuring a walk to a nearby watering hole with his two dogs."
https://youtu.be/m1P-y3FocGs
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 01, 2020, 08:02:24 am
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Post by: Rob C on May 01, 2020, 09:24:25 am
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Beautiful!
Incorrigible maleness.
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 01, 2020, 12:05:14 pm
Beautiful!+1.
Incorrigible maleness.
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 01, 2020, 12:27:42 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 01, 2020, 01:28:31 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 01, 2020, 03:56:53 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 03, 2020, 08:42:46 am
Post by: PeterAit on May 03, 2020, 10:38:11 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 03, 2020, 08:04:45 pm
Her husband came home late with lipstick on his collar.
New hair-do after divorce then?
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 03, 2020, 08:17:29 pm
Post by: Redcrown on May 04, 2020, 02:41:26 pm
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 07:31:15 am
Did you smell that food she asked. Its smells absolutely incredible.
Being a kind-hearted Scot he thought What the hell I’ll treat her.
So they walked past it again.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 05, 2020, 08:06:09 am
Quote
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse but the temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards
Richard
Furious and feeling betrayed, Max grabs his gun, goes next door and shoots Richard dead. He returns home and shoots his wife dead, then pours himself a stiff drink and sits down to recover. He looks at his phone to find a second text message from Richard.
Quote
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo in my last text: I see that damn spell-checker changed "wi-fi" to "wife"! Technology, eh? It'll be the death of us all.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 05, 2020, 08:13:40 am
"I do not have a good wifi..."
When the autocorrect changed that into:
"I do not have a good wife"
Which got me wondering... how did they know?
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 11:05:11 am
“Isn’t the bride a right ugly dog.”
“Do you mind, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not, I’m her fucking mother.”
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 11:06:42 am
He phones the police and says:
“Bejesas! I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”
The operator asks: “Is it tickin?”
Paddy says: “No, I tink it’s beef.”
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 11:08:00 am
Leroy was given 15 years for possession of a knife.
Winston was given 25 years for possession of a gun.
Tyrone was given 10 years for possession of 59 cents in loose change.
Summing up the judge stated:
“Although Tyrone wasn’t in possession of a knife or a gun
it’s clear he was saving up for one!”.
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 11:10:13 am
Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat the dog seems to like her.
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 11:11:24 am
Mick said “ He was absolutely shite, even the feller in the wheelchair got up and walked out.”
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 11:12:29 am
After an hour he opens the box and says Do you fancy going for a pint?
The centipede doesnt answer so raising his voice he repeats the question and still no reply.
Getting angry, thinking he has been done, he shouts the question loudly.
At which the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says I heard you the first time, I putting my fucking shoes on.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 05, 2020, 01:08:44 pm
Post by: Chris Kern on May 05, 2020, 02:23:00 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 05, 2020, 02:43:15 pm
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to the guy next to me,
“Isn’t the bride a right ugly dog.”
“Do you mind, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not, I’m her fucking mother.”
If it had truly been where you claim, Rob, the conversation would have ended with a Glasgow kiss after the first spoken sentence.
Jeremy
Post by: armand on May 05, 2020, 03:00:19 pm
Schrödinger's Virus
I shared this some time ago, whoever wrote it is a genius.
Post by: Rob C on May 05, 2020, 05:42:04 pm
If it had truly been where you claim, Rob, the conversation would have ended with a Glasgow kiss after the first spoken sentence.
Jeremy
[/q
That was the 50s. They lernd sofistycaashunce once the 60s arrived.
:-)
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 06, 2020, 08:26:33 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 06, 2020, 09:44:14 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 07, 2020, 03:25:13 pm
“Blimey” I thought. “They don’t mince their words.”
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 08, 2020, 08:38:24 am
This is a thread for humour and jokes. Keep the politics elsewhere. To those who made the deleted posts: you know who you are; don't do it again.
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 08, 2020, 11:07:57 am
Post by: RSL on May 08, 2020, 12:48:22 pm
I saw a press release from Heinz the other day. It said “NOTE: we will NEVER EVER make a bolognese version of our Alphabet Spaghetti”.
“Blimey” I thought. “They don’t mince their words.”
For shame, Jeremy!
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 08, 2020, 06:22:03 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 10, 2020, 01:48:15 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 10, 2020, 05:10:51 pm
Post by: Rob C on May 10, 2020, 05:55:55 pm
This one might be lost on the non-British, even if they're aware of our adulation for the NHS. Explanation available, but withheld for now.
Jeremy
All in a sentence...
Post by: KLaban on May 11, 2020, 03:19:42 am
This one might be lost on the non-British, even if they're aware of our adulation for the NHS. Explanation available, but withheld for now.
Jeremy
I was going to say that I like his paste, but of course that was Shippams.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 11, 2020, 03:29:03 am
All in a sentence...
Life, with a whole-life tariff, as I recall.
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on May 11, 2020, 08:32:42 am
Life, with a whole-life tariff, as I recall.
Jeremy
:-)
Post by: Craig Lamson on May 12, 2020, 10:38:59 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 12, 2020, 01:14:17 pm
Funny but true...Aw, shucks. My Photoshop CS6 doesn't have the jazz-it-up button. :(
Post by: JoeKitchen on May 12, 2020, 01:28:17 pm
Out Of Touch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfGAktuU93s)
Heads are exploding over this one.
Post by: Craig Lamson on May 12, 2020, 01:37:27 pm
This one is great!
Out Of Touch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfGAktuU93s)
Heads are exploding over this one.
That is good!
Post by: Peter McLennan on May 12, 2020, 02:54:40 pm
Post by: degrub on May 12, 2020, 09:45:12 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 13, 2020, 05:01:35 am
Post by: William Walker on May 13, 2020, 05:26:38 am
...
Now it is far more believable...! 8)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 13, 2020, 05:52:03 am
Now it is far more believable...! 8)
Hehe... naughty, naughty ;)
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 13, 2020, 09:53:31 am
Now it is far more believable...! 8)+1.
Post by: Rob C on May 13, 2020, 10:16:34 am
+1.
Wicked wish-list!
:-)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 13, 2020, 10:17:56 am
Wicked wish-list!
Now it is turning from funny to sad :(
Post by: PeterAit on May 13, 2020, 10:18:28 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 14, 2020, 02:03:57 am
An airplane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain announced via the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to flight n ° 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight, now sit back and relax … OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 15, 2020, 07:16:49 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 16, 2020, 05:52:58 am
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 16, 2020, 12:35:56 pm
“Why?”
closes eyes, rubs bridge of nose
“Why did anyone order wine?”
Jeremy
Post by: Rob C on May 16, 2020, 01:38:21 pm
Post by: Rob C on May 16, 2020, 01:39:01 pm
Post by: athegn on May 16, 2020, 05:05:14 pm
Post by: petermfiore on May 17, 2020, 08:24:27 am
Peter
Post by: armand on May 17, 2020, 01:28:11 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 19, 2020, 02:13:05 pm
Post by: Rob C on May 20, 2020, 03:49:04 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 20, 2020, 07:12:00 am
Maybe not humour, but wisdom. As we seem to have no slot for that, here we go in this one if only for lack of alternative:
Oh thanks very much, I have some relatives I have to forward those to.
Post by: Rob C on May 20, 2020, 07:53:03 am
Rob
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 20, 2020, 08:56:40 am
If anyone who speaks Italian thinks Veneto a bit difficult, try listening to the original soundtrack of the tv series Gomorra that's all about the Naples version of the Mafia, and then get back to me! Without the English subtiles I'd be lost.
Rob
My family is from Marche, I don't have too much trouble with Veneto. But I grew up in Montreal with Sicilian and other friends from southern Italy and we used to compare notes on dialects. My parents had friends who came from villages not more than 5-10 km away from theirs, and there were plenty of words that they pronounced differently. Of course their version of those dialects dated from post WW2.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on May 20, 2020, 10:25:38 am
Post by: Rob C on May 20, 2020, 04:47:15 pm
My family is from Marche, I don't have too much trouble with Veneto. But I grew up in Montreal with Sicilian and other friends from southern Italy and we used to compare notes on dialects. My parents had friends who came from villages not more than 5-10 km away from theirs, and there were plenty of words that they pronounced differently. Of course their version of those dialects dated from post WW2.
It's the same on Mallorca, where the version of Catalan that's spoken here - Mallorquin - varies over just a few klicks. Spoken, I understand practically nothing, but reading is somewhat more informative, because it turns out to be a mixture of standard (?) Castilian with French and Italian roots. It doesn't seem as indecipherable as the language spoken on the island of Malta, which may be more Arabic and Phoenician than anything else. English is widely used there, no doubt because of history, but when I came across an old chap who spoke no English, we got by on Italian, which isn't historically or geographically surprising either.
Considering Britain was so influenced/invaded by folks from the north, from Europe, that we have so much "foreign" blood coursing through our veins, it's surprising that so many of us have difficulties with foreign languages, including those of our closest neighbour. I find that understanding spoken French becomes more difficult as I age. It could well be a hearing problem, but it's also that the French use their language as a closed code - easy to read it, but brother, understanding the way they distort what's written down! The only good French speakers are, obviously, British teachers of French.
:-)
Post by: Chairman Bill on May 21, 2020, 10:30:04 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 23, 2020, 02:02:08 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 23, 2020, 03:05:56 pm
.Does he keep all his clients 2 meters apart and issue face masks for them, too?
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 27, 2020, 12:31:16 pm
Post by: Rob C on May 27, 2020, 03:48:28 pm
A field trip's happy ending?
Brilliant!
Rob
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 27, 2020, 05:09:48 pm
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is our separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
—We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Whoopi, Bill Maher, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all five of them.
--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and rednecks.
--We'll keep Bill O’Reilly and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
--When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the UN., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
--We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
--You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum Baya," or "We Are the World."
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take George Clooney, Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Short, Charlie Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and (Hanoi) Jane Fonda with you.
P.P.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
Post by: Rob C on May 27, 2020, 06:14:36 pm
John J. Wall
Law Student and an America"
Too late: pointless hoping to smooch his way to being an intern now - Monica has left the building. And she worked for the enemy, also Americans.
;-)
P.S. Regarding Jane: if you can guarantee she still looks like she did in Barbarella, I'll take her!
Post by: Chairman Bill on May 28, 2020, 05:16:55 am
Post by: RSL on May 28, 2020, 08:29:27 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 28, 2020, 01:08:20 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Frans Waterlander on May 29, 2020, 02:18:39 am
Post by: Rob C on May 29, 2020, 03:29:09 am
I ordered 3 reams of copy/printer paper but instead they sent me 40 rolls of Angel Soft toilet paper! Inkjet printing got a whole lot weirder.
Now it's Art, you see.
Post by: LesPalenik on May 29, 2020, 10:07:07 am
I ordered 3 reams of copy/printer paper but instead they sent me 40 rolls of Angel Soft toilet paper! Inkjet printing got a whole lot weirder.
The ejected droplets fly at about 10 meters per second, so you'll need a good absorption capability. Although bigger particles travel a bit slower.
To photograph the droplets without a blur, you would have to shoot using an exposure time of nanoseconds.
Post by: Peter McLennan on May 29, 2020, 10:23:39 am
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and ...
And that’s supposed to be funny?
“ Vapid” would be a more appropriate descriptor.
The centipede one still beats that, hands down.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 31, 2020, 12:46:08 pm
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch, and watched the clock He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.”
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on May 31, 2020, 01:03:18 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 31, 2020, 04:57:09 pm
Post by: Rob C on June 03, 2020, 10:55:35 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 03, 2020, 04:13:51 pm
Post by: Rob C on June 03, 2020, 04:16:55 pm
...
Excellent, and brave of you to post, all considered.
:-)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 04, 2020, 01:03:58 pm
Jeremy
Post by: RSL on June 04, 2020, 03:06:18 pm
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one”
“The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?
“Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says,"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O’Malley”
Post by: drmike on June 04, 2020, 05:32:54 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on June 04, 2020, 08:12:23 pm
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes."Boy,I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one”
“The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?
“Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says,"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O’Malley”
;D ;D ;D ;D
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on June 05, 2020, 03:18:15 am
A year or so later, same golfer drives ball into same rough (he's not very good). Searching for it, finds same leprechaun.
"How have you been since we last met? How's the sex life?"
"It's good: I've had sex with two women."
"Two? Is that all?"
"Well, it's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 06, 2020, 05:10:20 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on June 28, 2020, 02:08:37 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 08, 2020, 12:17:13 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 08, 2020, 12:19:10 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on July 09, 2020, 07:03:20 am
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on July 10, 2020, 06:59:00 pm
Too true.+1.
Jeremy
Post by: PeterAit on July 13, 2020, 04:54:16 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on July 13, 2020, 05:10:24 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on July 27, 2020, 12:39:14 pm
Post by: degrub on July 27, 2020, 04:00:50 pm
Post by: PeterAit on July 27, 2020, 05:48:24 pm
"Shit," says the ant, "Now I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave."
Post by: LesPalenik on July 27, 2020, 05:59:41 pm
Post by: kers on July 28, 2020, 06:52:13 am
It's hard to take a joke like that every 2 weeks.Especially when you are an ant.
Post by: LesPalenik on July 28, 2020, 07:46:11 am
Post by: PeterAit on July 29, 2020, 06:33:57 pm
President Calvin Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge were making a presidential visit to a farm. While viewing the chicken pens, Mrs. Coolidge asked the farmer "How many times a day does the rooster copulate?" The farmer replied "Many times a day." Mrs. Coolidge said "Please tell that to the president."
Later the president came by the pens and was told about the rooster. He asked the farmer "With the same hen every time?" The farmer replied "Oh no, a different hen each time." The president said "Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
Post by: Chris Kern on July 29, 2020, 09:43:20 pm
President Calvin Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge . . .
Apropos of which, President Coolidge was well-known for his taciturn New England demeanor. He was a man of few words. In the press, and in political circles in Washington, Coolidge was known as "Silent Cal." It is said that when The New Yorker writer Dorothy Parker was told of his death in 1933, she turned to her interlocutor and inquired, "how can they tell?"
Post by: PeterAit on August 02, 2020, 05:09:41 pm
Apropos of which, President Coolidge was well-known for his taciturn New England demeanor. He was a man of few words. In the press, and in political circles in Washington, Coolidge was known as "Silent Cal." It is said that when The New Yorker writer Dorothy Parker was told of his death in 1933, she turned to her interlocutor and inquired, "how can they tell?"
I have no idea why this joke was about Coolidge, but that's how I heard it.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on August 04, 2020, 01:06:21 pm
I have no idea why this joke was about Coolidge, but that's how I heard it.
Isn't it referred to as the Coolidge Effect? Used to be a Wiki page about it.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on August 04, 2020, 01:07:22 pm
[moderator: That is an overtly political video and while it might amuse those of certain political persuasions, it isn't "humour". Or even humor. Keep politics to political threads.]
Post by: PeterAit on August 14, 2020, 06:13:41 pm
They've released another updated version of the Vote Him Away "cover" [link deleted]. Good singing too.
[moderator: That is an overtly political video and while it might amuse those of certain political persuasions, it isn't "humour". Or even humor. Keep politics to political threads.]
It would have been more appropriate to delete RR's post and let him know by PM why. But making this public--while not allowing anyone to view the video--seems to have no point while seemingly having put the brakes on this humor thread. Let's hope the thread kicks back into gear!
Post by: Robert Roaldi on August 14, 2020, 09:48:21 pm
It would have been more appropriate to delete RR's post and let him know by PM why. But making this public--while not allowing anyone to view the video--seems to have no point while seemingly having put the brakes on this humor thread. Let's hope the thread kicks back into gear!
This is my first time back to this thread so i didn't know about the deleted link until now. I thought the song was funny and I assumed it was ok to make fun of politics and politicians. Professional comedians do it all the time. But no problem, if this is not wanted I won't do it again.
Post by: Redcrown on August 15, 2020, 11:17:54 am
Finally, the kid stops and says, "What you looking at, old man. You never do anything wild when you were young." The old guy pauses for a second then says, "Yeah, I got drunk once and screwed a peacock. So I'm wondering if maybe you are my son."
Post by: PeterAit on August 21, 2020, 04:21:57 pm
but who were both married, found themselves mistakenly assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"'Good", she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Post by: Peter McLennan on August 21, 2020, 09:15:29 pm
A handsome young man and a lovely woman ...
HA! Excellent!
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on August 29, 2020, 08:42:50 am
https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-bad-stock-photos-of-jobs-badstockphotosofmyjob
Jeremy
Post by: Peter McLennan on August 29, 2020, 10:56:21 am
"Bad stock photos of my job". Very funny. ##31 and 59 might particularly appeal.
https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-bad-stock-photos-of-jobs-badstockphotosofmyjob
Jeremy
HILARIOUS! All of ‘em. Duly forwarded everywhere. Thanks!
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on August 29, 2020, 12:36:41 pm
Thanks, Jeremy.
Post by: PeterAit on September 16, 2020, 08:36:40 am
A local was driving down a rural road in Maine. He noticed an out-of-state car stopped on the side of the road, so he stopped to see if they needed help. The driver said “No, we’re just waiting to see the moose.”
“What makes you think you’ll see a moose here?” my friend asked.
The driver pointed down the road to a Moose Crossing sign that had a blinking orange warning light. “See,” said the driver, “that blinking light means one’s coming.”
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on September 16, 2020, 09:47:25 am
Just the other day I saw (here in Massachusetts) a sign that said "Trail Crossing Ahead." I turned to my wife and said, "Maybe I should stop to watch when the trail goes across the road."
(No, I didn't stop.)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on September 16, 2020, 01:29:48 pm
Jeremy
Post by: JoeKitchen on September 16, 2020, 01:38:03 pm
The owner, who is a hand full, had a huge banner sign printed saying, "The Indians Are Coming!" and hung it across the fence. My client got angry phone calls non-stop for months.
Post by: faberryman on September 16, 2020, 02:04:00 pm
The owner, who is a hand full, had a huge banner sign printed saying, "The Indians Are Coming!" and hung it across the fence. My client got angry phone calls non-stop for months.
Sensitivity training?
Post by: JoeKitchen on September 16, 2020, 02:14:49 pm
Sensitivity training?
For the owner or the callers?
If the former, I'd doubt it would take. Another photographer I know did a shoot for the location with a young female model, and needed to have the owner removed from the shoot due to over the top comments he made to the model. Like I said, he's a hand full; thankfully I shot the location for the architects and only had to marginally deal with him.
Post by: D Fuller on September 17, 2020, 05:42:53 pm
Too true.
Jeremy
I like it. I'll have you know that my wife once described my handwriting as, "like the EKG of a dead man."
Post by: PeterAit on October 08, 2020, 08:39:26 pm
The teller replied "I am sorry ma'am, for withdrawals less than $200 we ask that you use the ATM outside."
"But I want you to do it for me!"
"Sorry, but it's bank policy."
"Can I withdraw $1,000?"
"Certainly." They do the paperwork an he hands the woman $1,000.
"Now," says the woman, "I want to make a $980 deposit."
Post by: PeterAit on October 10, 2020, 08:46:12 am
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 10, 2020, 09:13:57 am
Jeremy
Post by: armand on October 13, 2020, 01:35:02 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 13, 2020, 02:26:13 pm
Jeremy
Post by: LesPalenik on October 13, 2020, 02:41:31 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on October 13, 2020, 09:29:59 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on October 13, 2020, 09:35:51 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on October 14, 2020, 04:46:45 am
Importance of individual rights...
This isn't even remotely funny, but political. Post it in the political threads, please. Leave humor alone.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 14, 2020, 05:07:20 am
This isn't even remotely funny, but political. Post it in the political threads, please. Leave humor alone.
I agree. I've moved it.
[later - I would have moved it, had I been able to, but as I can't, I haven't]
Jeremy
Post by: Robert Roaldi on October 14, 2020, 07:33:16 am
I agree. I've moved it.
[later - I would have moved it, had I been able to, but as I can't, I haven't]
Jeremy
Well ok, given the reaction I would have deleted it but someone beat me to it. I thought it was funny, political sure, but funny.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 14, 2020, 01:33:36 pm
Barman says “Wow - a talking dog! You should join the circus”.
Dog says “Why? Are they looking for an accountant?”
Jeremy
Post by: Robert Roaldi on October 14, 2020, 03:22:49 pm
Post by: PeterAit on October 21, 2020, 10:50:16 am
"Yikes Billy," piped up the daughter, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole."
Post by: jeremyrh on October 21, 2020, 12:08:05 pm
"I'm a lawyer - it was professional courtesy".
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on October 21, 2020, 06:29:23 pm
Lawyer: "£750 for three questions."
"Isn't that rather a lot of money for just three questions?"
"Yes. What's your third question?"
Jeremy
Post by: armand on October 22, 2020, 12:55:53 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on October 22, 2020, 01:38:12 pm
..
(Careful, Slobodan might accuse you of posting political humour.)
Post by: PeterAit on October 25, 2020, 08:31:16 am
The 4th grade teacher asked each kid to stand up and say what their mom or dad did for a job. She got lots of typical answers--nurse, accountant, mechanic, and so on. When it was Jimmy's turn he stood up and said "My dad is a dancer at a gay club. He takes his clothes off to music and the customers stuff money in his underwear."
The teacher is shocked. She puts the other kids to work on a project and takes Jimmy aside.
"Jimmy, is that true? Is that what your dad really does?"
Sobbing, Jimmy replies "No, but I had to make something up quick. You see, my dad works for the Republican party and is trying to get Trump re-elected, and I was too ashamed to say that."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on October 26, 2020, 09:06:33 am
This, however...
Post by: armand on October 27, 2020, 02:36:36 pm
Post by: armand on October 29, 2020, 08:09:47 pm
Post by: armand on November 26, 2020, 09:33:03 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 29, 2020, 01:12:22 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on November 29, 2020, 01:14:02 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Jonathan Cross on December 04, 2020, 04:33:47 am
Jonathan
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 04, 2020, 04:50:44 am
Jeremy
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on December 04, 2020, 07:14:23 am
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 11, 2020, 01:18:41 pm
Jeremy
Post by: JoeKitchen on December 15, 2020, 08:03:54 am
Post by: Chairman Bill on December 15, 2020, 12:18:34 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 15, 2020, 03:35:43 pm
My pet stick insects have had sex and nearly burned the house down
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"I don't know. I've never looked."
Jeremy
Post by: Alan Klein on December 15, 2020, 08:41:11 pm
(https://www.mtbr.com/attachments/636242_n-jpg.1100417/)
Post by: Alan Klein on December 17, 2020, 10:25:38 am
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired - An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?
Georgie grinned . “Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before”? “No,” I replied. ”Write it down” he said, “and I think you'll figure it out.”
So, I wrote down: ID10T.
Post by: Peter McLennan on December 17, 2020, 02:46:18 pm
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Screen.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on December 18, 2020, 04:28:09 am
Also known as a "PEBKAS" error.
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Screen.
More commonly, PEBKAC (last word Chair); there's not much between the keyboard and the screen in most setups.
Also PICNIC (Problem In Chair Not In Computer).
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on December 18, 2020, 10:55:37 am
Post by: Redcrown on December 18, 2020, 12:00:47 pm
(https://photos.smugmug.com/photos/i-VJMjwVz/0/57bddd68/O/i-VJMjwVz.jpg)
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 10, 2021, 02:25:54 pm
So they go to see the rabbi.
The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex: this, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax. So the couple try it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi.
The rabbi suggests the bride change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her while the husband waves the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.
When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"
Post by: PeterAit on January 12, 2021, 04:49:17 pm
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Post by: Petrus on January 13, 2021, 01:57:23 pm
A client of mine got hired to design a new Indian Motorcycle dealership. As is usually the case, they hung their credentials and name on the job site fence at the beginning of the project, long before you could tell what the place was going to be.
The owner, who is a hand full, had a huge banner sign printed saying, "The Indians Are Coming!" and hung it across the fence. My client got angry phone calls non-stop for months.
Here in Helsinki a gun shop window was sprayed with "HUNTING IS MURDER!!", so the owner added "AND HERE YOU GET THE RIGHT TOOLS FOR IT!" below.
Post by: Chairman Bill on January 18, 2021, 12:35:01 pm
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on January 28, 2021, 06:23:21 pm
Jeremy
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 28, 2021, 06:57:53 pm
Post by: Redcrown on January 29, 2021, 11:27:12 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on January 29, 2021, 02:25:39 pm
Post by: Redcrown on January 30, 2021, 01:01:06 am
Not exactly humour in the joke sense but still funny, I thought https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/would-be-wisconsin-thieves-thwarted-by-manual-car-police-say-1.4624390 (https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/would-be-wisconsin-thieves-thwarted-by-manual-car-police-say-1.4624390).Years ago this old American rented a car in Germany at the airport. It was a manual - no problem, I grew up on manuals. But I could not figure out how to get that car into reverse in order to back out of the parking space. After several failed minutes I got out and grabbed the first German looking guy that came by. I don't remember exactly, but it was some combination of putting the stick in neutral, pushing it straight down, giving it a 1/4 turn, then pulling it in the only angle it would go.
A few years later, wife and I rented a manual car in Ireland. First time sitting and driving on the wrong side for both of us. I had no problem, but the wife simply could not shift with her left hand. When she drove, I had to do the shifting from the passenger seat. We got pretty good at it.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on January 30, 2021, 10:07:27 am
A few years later, wife and I rented a manual car in Ireland. First time sitting and driving on the wrong side for both of us. I had no problem, but the wife simply could not shift with her left hand. When she drove, I had to do the shifting from the passenger seat. We got pretty good at it.
Imagine if they reversed the pedal placement.
Post by: Peter McLennan on January 30, 2021, 10:45:52 am
Post by: PeterAit on February 04, 2021, 06:16:31 pm
I rented a manual shift camper in NZ. Most stressful driving I can recall. EVERYTHING was backasswards, even the seatbelt went the wrong way.
I well remember driving in NZ. Just a car, not a camper. We (wife and me) did OK largely due to the fact that we had one driver and one spotter! And to the very gentle traffic there.
And I'd like to go back. Some of my best photos came from that trip.
Post by: Jeremy Roussak on February 05, 2021, 04:16:19 am
I rented a manual shift camper in NZ. Most stressful driving I can recall. EVERYTHING was backasswards, even the seatbelt went the wrong way.
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!
Jeremy
Post by: Robert Roaldi on February 05, 2021, 09:29:29 am
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!
Jeremy
Do the roundabouts on either side of the Chunnel experience higher than normal collisions? (In my mind, I am picturing a Mr. Bean skit.)
Post by: degrub on February 05, 2021, 09:59:47 am
Post by: faberryman on February 05, 2021, 11:39:47 am
Post by: Chris Kern on February 05, 2021, 07:40:53 pm
Do the roundabouts on either side of the Chunnel experience higher than normal collisions?
Some years ago, a business contact, knowing my wife and I made occasional visits to London on theater (i.e., theatre) junkets, asked me whether I ever rented a car at Heathrow. He and his wife were planning a first-ever trip to London, and thence to the Lake District and Scotland, and he figured the most efficient way to get from hither to thither to yon would be to rent a car at the airport—because that's how we do it in North America.
Needless to say, I recoiled in horror. I explained that nobody in his right mind except a cab driver would drive a car in central London. I don't think the Heathrow Express existed in those days, but I recommended that he use the Underground to get to the vicinity of his London hotel or, if he wanted to splurge, a black cab, then take a train to his next destination and, if he really wanted to drive the rest of the way, to rent a car there.
He thought I was exaggerating. He rented the car anyway.
After he returned to the States, I asked him whether he enjoyed the trip. He did, but he admitted to a mishap while they were heading out of London. He had entered a roundabout, and quickly became disoriented by the traffic: wrong direction, wrong side of the road. He realized the car was moving too fast, and tried to grab the shift lever to move to a lower gear. Alas, what he actually grabbed was the door handle. The car door was pushed open by centrifugal force and it was all he could do to hold onto it while circling the roundabout. Which, he claimed, he did at least two or three times because, between the disorientation, the excessive speed, and his attempt to hold the door in place made it impossible for him to decide where to exit.
There are a few cities we have visited where I would never consider driving, regardless of which side of the street is used. New York and London are at the top of the list, mostly because we have more experience with them and are familiar with their public transportation systems, but Bangkok, Tokyo, and Taipei are certainly in the same league. I might be tempted to drive in Singapore, except that unless you know exactly where you are going to be able to park you will never be able to get out of the car; downtown Montreal is also a parking nightmare, as I recall (but it's been a while).
Come to think of it, if the pandemic ever ends and we are able to start traveling again, I think I've reached the age and attained the wisdom to pay someone to drive us around.
Post by: Redcrown on February 06, 2021, 12:10:04 am
A very long time ago I flew to Ireland, rented a car, and, overcompensating, struck the left curb and blew a tire on my way out of the airport. I changed the tire and drove back to the rental car place to get a new spare tire. Of course, rental car places don't have extra spare tires, so they gave me a new car. Turns out it was an upgrade.In my previous post, the reason my wife was drivng and I was shifting in Ireland was because I flattened 2 tires in the 1st 2 days striking the left side curb. While I could shift like a race driver, I could not stay on the road, always fearful I was going to hit the guy coming at me. The 2nd time we were in the middle of nowhere and limped into a small village on the spare. I was surprised to find a garage there with the right size tire. The rest of the week I started paying attention to the many, many tire shops in small rural places. It seems the Irish are well prepared for American drivers.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on February 06, 2021, 03:01:46 am
Post by: jeremyrh on February 06, 2021, 06:30:14 am
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!When we lived in France we kept our UK car, and it caused no end of strange looks when I drove with my small daughter in the passenger seat. When she got a bit older it was less fun because we got fewer worried glances, but at least she was able to operate the "péage" machines.
Jeremy
Post by: Peter McLennan on February 06, 2021, 10:29:43 am
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!
Jeremy
Agreed. I did this in the middle sixties in a tiny Ford van bought in the Midlands. Six months adrift in Europe. Always with a pax, though. Overtaking was a near-death experience every time.
Post by: athegn on February 07, 2021, 02:38:06 pm
Remember this is West Ireland. The trunk roads a good but the minor roads were/are not. My friends only have older cars; new ones soon become old on those roads! My upgrade caused a number of problems due to the low profile tyres. My back seat passengers complained how rough the journeys were and of course I came round a bend straight over a blind pothole that damaged the front passenger tyre. I blame Michael Collins as we had just passed his memorial when it happened. My friends, who lived locally, said they should have warned about that pot hole; been there sometime could end being a fixture:-)
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 20, 2021, 06:38:50 am
“A touch of humor” - dictionary definition - a thread on Luminous Landscape where humor comes to die.
Let's try to resuscitate it...
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on March 20, 2021, 06:49:45 am
Post by: PeterAit on March 23, 2021, 05:39:03 pm
Let's try to resuscitate it...
Good!! Took my wee brain a minute to get it.
Post by: jeremyrh on March 25, 2021, 05:12:07 am
Good!! Took my wee brain a minute to get it.Me too - glad it's not just me!!
Post by: jeremyrh on March 29, 2021, 07:14:09 am
Post by: PeterAit on March 30, 2021, 12:25:15 pm
.
Good one! Appropriate for me as I just ordered a Sony A-1. But given that it will be my wife's camera, she won't complain.
Post by: Peter McLennan on April 07, 2021, 11:34:52 am
2) Subsequently ordered a Nikon Z6ii and a 24-200.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 07, 2021, 02:19:28 pm
1) Cartoon printed and posted on our fridge.
2) Subsequently ordered a Nikon Z6ii and a 24-200.
I want to kill myself when I see a serious camera paired with a kiddy lens. And this is not funny. I tried it once and almost barfed seeing the results.
Post by: JoeKitchen on April 08, 2021, 10:33:57 am
Post by: josh.reichmann on April 08, 2021, 11:52:41 am
Dear Slobodan: Fuck you, too.
Gonna erase this.
But offering a moment before for repair.
Takers ?
Post by: Peter McLennan on April 08, 2021, 12:32:48 pm
Go right ahead and erase whatever you choose.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 08, 2021, 02:46:55 pm
Sobodan made his point. I made my point. I'm sure he's seen it...
I love you too! ❤️😘
Post by: Jonathan Cross on April 12, 2021, 07:13:07 am
Jonathan
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on April 12, 2021, 10:09:50 am
Post by: PeterAit on April 19, 2021, 08:03:15 am
Doctor: "Don't eat anything fatty."
Me: "You mean like pizza and burgers?"
Doctor: "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 20, 2021, 05:45:04 am
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 20, 2021, 12:21:13 pm
...
Slobodan, I'm afraid this one needs explaining...
Post by: sf on April 20, 2021, 12:54:40 pm
Slobodan, I'm afraid this one needs explaining...
Really? It's been doing the rounds for several months. Think "wax" after the second caption.
S
Post by: jeremyrh on April 20, 2021, 02:38:05 pm
Slobodan, I'm afraid this one needs explaining...
"A joke is like a frog - it dies when you dissect it"
Post by: Frans Waterlander on April 20, 2021, 04:27:11 pm
Really? It's been doing the rounds for several months. Think "wax" after the second caption.Never heard of a Brazilian wax job, but now that I did, I get it.
S
Post by: LesPalenik on April 21, 2021, 06:53:43 am
Post by: PeterAit on April 21, 2021, 09:43:20 am
Post by: PeterAit on April 28, 2021, 04:21:30 pm
“This is serious,” replies the priest. Is this Jimmy Moretti I am speaking to?”
“Yessir.”
“Well, I think you need to tell me the name of the young lady,”
“No sir, I won’t tell.”
“Hmmm, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Angela Marconi.”
“Really, Father, I don’t want to say.”
“Maybe it was Maria Spanola?”
“Please, sir, I promised!”
“How about Donna Corelli?”
“Honest, Father, I am sworn to secrecy.”
“Well, so be it. But this is serious, and as penance you are forbidden from serving as altar boy for the next four Sundays.”
“Yessir,” and the boy leaves. Outside a friend is waiting for him and asks “How did it go?”
“Great,” he responds. “I got three new leads and a month off.”
Post by: PeterAit on May 26, 2021, 09:12:34 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 26, 2021, 12:09:06 pm
Real sentences illustrating the importance of proper punctuation.A fine set, Peter.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 27, 2021, 06:14:48 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 27, 2021, 07:15:22 am
Post by: LesPalenik on May 27, 2021, 07:59:27 am
Quote
No Alexa, I said - order lunch
This reminds me of a fellow poster who repeatedly shoots here too quickly only to follow with "sorry".
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 27, 2021, 12:01:49 pm
i love both of these, even though i don't even have an uncle jack.
Post by: kers on May 28, 2021, 10:32:12 am
Post by: PeterAit on June 08, 2021, 04:53:59 pm
His wife suggested that he take her brother Charlie with him. "Charlie has really good eyes and he can watch the ball for you," she said.
"But Charlie is 10 years older than me!" said Amos.
"True, but his eyes are still good," replied his wife.
The next day Amos took Charlie with him to the golf course. On the first tee he wacked what he thought was a good shot. "Charlie, did you see where that went?"
"Oh yes," replied Charlie, "I saw exactly where it went."
"So where did it go?"
"I forget."
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on June 08, 2021, 07:21:28 pm
Sometimes I think I'm Amos and Charlie all rolled into one. :(
Post by: LesPalenik on June 09, 2021, 08:52:56 pm
Post by: PeterAit on July 25, 2021, 10:36:56 am
"Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Post by: PeterAit on August 16, 2021, 09:57:38 am
"I have no one to play with."
"What about Gary, you used to play together all the time?"
"I don't play with Gary any more. Would you want to play with someone who moves the ball when you're not looking and cheats on the score?"
"No, I guess not."
"Well, neither does Gary."
Post by: PeterAit on August 24, 2021, 03:44:21 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 10, 2021, 08:32:15 am
https://www.instagram.com/p/CWD1a1boN1e/
Post by: rabanito on November 10, 2021, 09:29:31 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on November 10, 2021, 10:50:44 am
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 10, 2021, 01:20:34 pm
You made my day.
Post by: rabanito on November 10, 2021, 04:47:36 pm
Post by: PeterAit on November 10, 2021, 06:06:26 pm
One day a man leading two camels laden with hay came up to the border crossing. The guard's intuition told him something was being smuggled. But after finding nothing he let the traveler pass.
The next week the same man, again leading two camels laden with hay, wanted to cross. And again, a search turned up nothing.
Week after week this went on, and the guard's searches became more and more thorough. He tore apart the hay bales, looked in the man's turban and the hem of his robe, and even in the camels' mouth. This went on for years.
Eventually the guard retired. When he saw the traveler in the market he went up to him.
"Do you remember me?" he asked.
"Yes," replied the traveler, "you are the guard who searched me many times."
"I am very curious. Were you smuggling? I am retired and can do you no harm."
"Yes," replied the traveler, "I was smuggling."
"What on earth were you smuggling that I could not find?" asked the retired guard.
"I was smuggling camels."
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 10, 2021, 07:45:09 pm
I'm delighted to see this thread waking up.
The news here is much better than in any "normal" news sources.
Post by: LesPalenik on December 23, 2021, 08:09:11 am
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Post by: rabanito on December 23, 2021, 10:49:45 am
....;D ;D ;D ;D
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Post by: Robert Roaldi on December 23, 2021, 02:51:07 pm
Post by: degrub on December 23, 2021, 08:27:34 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on January 14, 2022, 03:02:22 pm
Mark McGowan - aboriginal woman translates English into English (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmzzIcgPKA)
It's time like these that I wish Leslie Nelson was still alive. I would love to see him do a parody of this.
Post by: LesPalenik on January 14, 2022, 03:43:20 pm
Perhaps, since I'm not Australian, I am totally missing something here, but I cant help but laugh and experience some serious second-hand embarrassment for this official government news broadcast.
Mark McGowan - aboriginal woman translates English into English (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmzzIcgPKA)
It's time like these that I wish Leslie Nelson was still alive. I would love to see him do a parody of this.
Most probably, they paid the lady for her translation services.
Post by: JoeKitchen on January 14, 2022, 03:49:32 pm
Most probably, they paid the lady for her translation services.
Out of the two them, she is not the one I find entertaining.
Post by: Robert Roaldi on January 14, 2022, 04:56:42 pm
Post by: Robert Roaldi on February 21, 2022, 08:25:25 am
Post by: Robert Roaldi on March 10, 2022, 03:16:33 pm
Post by: PeterAit on March 15, 2022, 10:47:15 am
A moment later a 40-something man sat next to her and immediately made a call on his cell phone, apparently to his wife.
“Hi dear, it’s me, Alan. I had to catch a later train because the meeting ran late…Yes of course I was at the meeting…no, of course this has nothing to do with my secretary…you know you’re the only one for me.”
So on and so forth, blah blah blah, until the young woman got fed up. She leaned close to the man and said loudly “Alan, put down your phone and come back to bed.”
Post by: LesPalenik on March 21, 2022, 05:10:25 am
Post by: LesPalenik on March 27, 2022, 11:29:56 pm
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Post by: Redcrown on March 28, 2022, 01:25:09 pm
(https://photos.smugmug.com/photos/i-NpRWzjS/0/18faa24b/O/i-NpRWzjS.jpg)
Post by: PeterAit on April 07, 2022, 11:33:23 am
In heaven:
- All the cooks are French
- All the lovers are Italian
- All the police are English
- All the mechanics are German
- And everything is organized by the Swiss.
In hell:
- All the cooks are English
- All the lovers are Swiss
- All the police are German
- All the mechanics are French
- And everything is organized by the Italians
Post by: rabanito on April 09, 2022, 11:40:21 am
Here's the version I heard:
In hell:
- All the cooks are English
- All the lovers are Swiss
- All the police are German
- All the mechanics are French
- And everything is organized by the Italians
Thats the version I know, but in Switzerland nobody laughed...🤭
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on April 09, 2022, 01:03:02 pm
Thats the version I know, but in Switzerland nobody laughed...🤭
For Germans, humor is a serious thing.
Post by: rabanito on April 10, 2022, 05:51:25 am
For Germans, humor is a serious thing.
Hahaha. I like this kind of humor. ;D
But just in case and for the record, Switzerland and Germany are two different countries. And also different peoples.
Germans deservedly earned a bad name some time ago. I'd say that IMHO this is by far not the case anymore. At least in what concerns the police.
Post by: LesPalenik on April 14, 2022, 08:33:50 pm
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 22, 2022, 03:27:54 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 23, 2022, 11:57:27 pm
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on May 26, 2022, 09:22:12 am
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Post by: PeterAit on May 26, 2022, 09:29:17 am
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Reminds me of this one:
Milton Berle used to go to an old folks home once in a while to put on a little show and cheer up the residents. One time he noticed an old lady sitting all by herself and looking rather sad, so he decided to pay her some special attention. He went over to her.
"Hi," he said, "do you know who I am?"
"No," she replied, "but if you ask the nurse she'll tell you."
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on May 26, 2022, 08:23:13 pm
Post by: LesPalenik on June 21, 2022, 04:43:00 am
That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his diapers. He runs to his mom and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.
The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.
“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep as the rich are screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit,” Johnny explains.
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on June 21, 2022, 08:07:29 am
Post by: PeterAit on June 21, 2022, 10:11:50 am
An astronomer gave a public talk on the structure and function of the solar system. After the talk, an old lady came up to him and said, "You have it all wrong, Professor, the world is supported on the back of a giant turtle."
The Professor, humoring her, asked "And what supports this giant turtle?"
"Why another even bigger turtle, of course!" replied the lady.
"OK," responded the Professor, "and what supports ..."
The old lady held up a hand to silence him, and said, "It's no use Professor, it's turtles all the way down."
Post by: PeterAit on July 23, 2022, 08:31:40 pm
The mechanical engineer said "Replace the starter--that'll fix it."
The electrical engineer said "Charge the battery--that'll fix it."
The chemical engineer said "Put in fresh gasoline--that'll fix it."
The IT engineer said "Let's get out and get back in--that'll fix it."
Post by: Alan Klein on July 23, 2022, 08:39:27 pm
Four engineers got into a car. It wouldn't start.That's funny Peter and not far from the truth. I have a Ford Lincoln. It's display screen on the dashboard went black. So we called the Ford concierge desk. They advised to open the driver's door, hit a couple of buttons, then close the door again. It fixed the problem apparently re-booting it.
The mechanical engineer said "Replace the starter--that'll fix it."
The electrical engineer said "Charge the battery--that'll fix it."
The chemical engineer said "Put in fresh gasoline--that'll fix it."
The IT engineer said "Let's get out and get back in--that'll fix it."
Post by: Peter McLennan on July 23, 2022, 11:20:38 pm
"You have three wishes", says the genie.
"OK", says the man, "For my first wish I want Mitch McConnell turned into a real turtle, and I want him placed on the bottom of an empty swimming pool in suburban Phoenix in August."
"Hmm", says the genie as he contemplates the wish for a few moments. Eventually he says "OK, that one's on me. You still have three wishes."
Post by: PeterAit on July 26, 2022, 05:13:56 pm
That's funny Peter and not far from the truth. I have a Ford Lincoln. It's display screen on the dashboard went black. So we called the Ford concierge desk. They advised to open the driver's door, hit a couple of buttons, then close the door again. It fixed the problem apparently re-booting it.
The same sort of thing has been reported for the Volkwagen ID4, the electric car that we bought recently.
Post by: PeterAit on August 21, 2022, 09:23:26 am
A few minutes later, the fellow said "Excuse me miss, but I am cold. Can you please reach in the closet and pass me a blanket?"
The woman replied "I have a better idea--for just one night, let's pretends we are married."
As the woman was quite attractive, the fellow thought this was a great idea and told her so.
"OK," she replied, "Get your own fucking blanket."
And then he farted.
Post by: LesPalenik on August 29, 2022, 01:13:49 am
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
Post by: LesPalenik on September 08, 2022, 08:03:53 am
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
Post by: PeterAit on September 13, 2022, 10:20:50 am
"Excuse me, fathers, but we're searching for a couple of child molesters."
The priests look at each other, shrug, and reply "OK, we'll do it."
Post by: LesPalenik on September 20, 2022, 10:50:08 pm
Post by: PeterAit on October 13, 2022, 11:41:24 am
Post by: Slobodan Blagojevic on October 13, 2022, 01:59:51 pm
A good laugh, photo-related.
Indeed.
But reality is sometimes stranger than fiction. Here is my unedited photo that also contains a dog, a girl, and a pedestrian crossing ;)
Post by: rabanito on November 01, 2022, 04:49:27 am
A good laugh, photo-related.;D ;D ;D
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on November 01, 2022, 05:17:50 pm
You have made my day!
-Eric
Post by: Robert Roaldi on November 18, 2022, 08:31:06 am
Post by: Chris Kern on November 18, 2022, 07:11:08 pm
Funny timely story from The Beaverton today. . . .
Elon Musk is one of the weirdest of the Internet billionaires (arguably the weirdest), but he deserves credit for retaining his sense of humor. From a Nov. 17 tweet:
Quote
How do you make a small fortune in social media?
Start out with a large one.
The epithet by another billionaire, Mark Cuban, (also posted on Twitter), strikes me as rather accurate:
Quote
He is a ready, fire, aim entrepreneur who will truly enjoy fucking with everyone who has an expectation of him.
In olden days (https://youtu.be/Wd1w5tn040g), when the ARPANET spawned the NSFNET, and the two ultimately morphed into the worldwide public Internet,* I don't think any of us anticipated where all this would lead.
_____
* That's "the Internet" with a capital "I"—a proper noun which is a shorthand for the technical term "internetwork," a network of interconnected networks that use a common communication protocol. It still looks strange to me when I read references to "the internet" (lowercase "i") in otherwise competently-curated news media (e.g., the New York Times, which certainly should know better).
Post by: faberryman on November 20, 2022, 01:12:09 pm
Post by: Jonathan Cross on November 20, 2022, 03:02:21 pm
Post by: PeterAit on November 21, 2022, 09:45:44 am
No Oxford comma for me, as in Lyne Truss' book 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves'
Cambridge man, eh? ;)
Post by: Robert Roaldi on November 21, 2022, 10:48:09 am
Post by: JoeKitchen on November 28, 2022, 05:48:07 pm
I get a big kick out of discussions about English usage. People have so many doctrinaire positions over what are almost always arbitrary style guide recommendations.
Until you're sued.
Oxford Comma Dispute Is Settled as Maine Drivers Get $5 Million (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/us/oxford-comma-maine.html)
Post by: Robert Roaldi on November 29, 2022, 01:48:52 pm
Until you're sued.
Oxford Comma Dispute Is Settled as Maine Drivers Get $5 Million (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/us/oxford-comma-maine.html)
Too funny, but the US courts can be so weird that I'm not sure this is indicative of anything. :)
Post by: Robert Roaldi on December 09, 2022, 07:03:32 am
Post by: Redcrown on January 15, 2023, 01:53:45 pm
Post by: Eric Myrvaagnes on January 21, 2023, 11:59:08 pm
Post by: JoeKitchen on January 23, 2023, 03:32:14 pm
Post by: PeterAit on September 17, 2023, 10:37:18 am
"You have her shipped home for $5,000 or have her buried here for $150."
"I will ship her home," the man quickly replied.
The undertaker responded, "If I may ask, why would you spend so much to ship her home when you cave a lovely burial here for much less?"
Well," replied the man, "Two thousand years ago a man died here, was buried, and came back to life. I am not taking any chances."