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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 160486 times)

Dave (Isle of Skye)

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #640 on: April 28, 2018, 03:18:39 PM »

When I was younger and in my prime, I used to be able to bend an iron bar around 'it'.

But now I am older, I can't do that anymore..



My wrists have gone...

 ;D
« Last Edit: April 28, 2018, 04:17:07 PM by Dave (Isle of Skye) »
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #641 on: April 29, 2018, 06:23:03 AM »

When I was younger and in my prime, I used to be able to bend an iron bar around 'it'.

But now I am older, I can't do that anymore..



My wrists have gone...

 ;D


That's what happens from the use of heavy Gitzos.

pegelli

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #642 on: May 04, 2018, 05:09:09 AM »

Inspired by Peter's reality check elsewhere in the coffee corner this one came to mind:

"As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf fanatic, and every chance I get, I’ll be on the course playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” says the bride, “I also have a confession to make, I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
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pieter, aka pegelli

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #643 on: May 04, 2018, 05:39:56 AM »

When a man gets married, he is thinking of Her, the Aisle, and the Altar.
When a woman gets married, she is thinking of I'll Alter Him
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I shoot with a Camera Obscura with an optical device attached that refracts and transmits light.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #644 on: May 04, 2018, 07:06:34 AM »

Secretary was hauled into the manager's office for sitting on the copier.

"What on Earth did you think you were doing ? Those machines are delicate!"

"Well, Sir," she responded, "the government sent me a letter demanding a copy of my sources of income.
And as I work here..."

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #645 on: May 06, 2018, 09:14:04 AM »

Humorous or humorless (i.e., too true to be funny)?

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #646 on: May 06, 2018, 11:56:14 AM »

Humorous or humorless (i.e., too true to be funny)?

Cute, but hardly true for most of the items.
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Peter
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Leonardo da Vinci

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #647 on: May 29, 2018, 08:46:12 AM »

My thanks to Rob C for his bagpiper/septic tank joke of about a month ago. I told it during social hour while at a cello workshop last week, changing the instrument to cello of course. It's a funny joke to be sure, but I never expected the response I got - I never heard such laughing, hooting, hollering, tears running down cheeks, and knee slapping!! So Rob your joke was a huge hit.
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Peter
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Leonardo da Vinci

Redcrown

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #648 on: May 29, 2018, 03:27:19 PM »

The Smiths were unable to conceive children. Turned out Dad was sterile. So they decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... ...Good Lord, she's fainted!! "

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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #649 on: May 29, 2018, 03:45:35 PM »

 ;D

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #650 on: May 29, 2018, 05:44:04 PM »

My thanks to Rob C for his bagpiper/septic tank joke of about a month ago. I told it during social hour while at a cello workshop last week, changing the instrument to cello of course. It's a funny joke to be sure, but I never expected the response I got - I never heard such laughing, hooting, hollering, tears running down cheeks, and knee slapping!! So Rob your joke was a huge hit.

Thank you, Peter, I thought it was one of the funniest I ever heard too!

Rob

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #651 on: June 04, 2018, 02:33:03 PM »

Once there was a beautiful princess who had many suitors who wished
to marry her. Her father, the King, picked three and told them that they
would have to compete in a contest to marry his daughter. Whomever won
got to marry her. He called the 3 men to his castle and told them what
to do. He said I give you each 3 months to go around the world and
collect as many ping pong balls as you can. Whomever collects the most
can marry my daughter. And so the three went off.

A month later one came back. He had found 2,000 ping pong balls. The king
said that was pretty good but he must wait for the others to return.

The next month another man came back. He had found 5,000 ping pong balls.
The king said that that was pretty good also but must wait for the final
man.

On the last day of the last month, a dirty, beat-up looking man stumbled
into the king's castle. He was carrying something in his hands. So the
king said to him how many ping pong balls did you get?

Ping pong balls? said the guy. I thought you said King Kong's balls.
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RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #652 on: June 04, 2018, 02:42:47 PM »

This is an old story and it may already have been posted here.

A kid was required to write a story that used the word, "frugal." "What does 'frugal' mean?" he asked his teacher. "It means to save," she told him. So he wrote:

"A prince was riding through a forest when he came upon a hole in the ground that held a princess a nasty gnome had kidnapped. 'Frugal me. Frugal me,' the princess shouted to him. So he jumped in the hole and frugaled her, and they both lived happily ever after."

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #653 on: June 23, 2018, 10:27:01 AM »

Sorry if this has been posted before.

In a certain Native American tribe it was the tradition for the medicine many to name all new babies. One day a young boy came to him and asked “Teacher, when it’s time to name a baby, how do you choose a name?”

The elder replied “The Great Spirit sends me a sign as to what the name shall be. For example, the night your brother was born, a bear came and snuffled around outside my Hogan and growled. So he is Growling Bear. And your cousin—on the day of her birth I saw a doe bounding through the forest, so she is Leaping Doe. But tell me, why do you ask, Dog Taking Dump?”

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Peter
"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." - Leonardo da Vinci

David Sutton

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #654 on: June 29, 2018, 10:19:49 PM »

Most news organisations try to ignore history and pretend they are factual, respectable and unbiassed.
The normally sober Russia Today gave up the fight this morning when reporting on a journalist who narrowly missed being decapitated by helicopters.
The headline runs: "Hack avoids chop".
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LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #655 on: July 04, 2018, 07:11:52 PM »

Just received this report:

Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol
                                                                                         
Here’s another good reason to have a concealed weapon permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.  What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His life insurance was a big bonus!”

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #656 on: July 05, 2018, 07:55:40 AM »

I was amazed at the US celebration of Independence Day on 4th July. Such a fuss over one Hollywood film seems a bit over-the-top.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #657 on: July 05, 2018, 08:53:20 AM »

I was amazed at the US celebration of Independence Day on 4th July. Such a fuss over one Hollywood film seems a bit over-the-top.

I guess everybody loves a winner?

petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #658 on: July 05, 2018, 02:49:16 PM »

I guess everybody loves a winner?

All you other side of the ponders are sooooo obviously Jealous!!! LOL

Peter

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #659 on: July 05, 2018, 11:04:23 PM »

I found this article to have a fair amount of irony in it....

Irony perhaps, but zero humor. Wrong thread.
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