A touch of humor

[Arturo]

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were in a car.  Heisenberg was driving at a speed well over the limit when a cop pulled them over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the officer.
"No," replied Heisenberg, "but we know where we are."
Suspicious, the officer decided to search the car and opened the trunk.
"Hey," he demanded, "do you know there's a dead cat in here?"
"We do now," replied Schrodinger.

[tom b]

“Anything more than 500 yards from the car just isn’t photogenic.”  – Edward Weston

I like your quote.

Cheers,

[Rob C]

“Anything more than 500 yards from the car just isn’t photogenic.”  – Edward Weston

I like your quote.

Cheers,

He exaggerated: it should be fifty yards. Capa would have said: "and that's for mountains."

[Otto Phocus]

The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle in English

He asks one of the Cardinals "do you know of a four letter word that can mean a type of woman and it has to end in the letters UNT?

The Cardinal thinks for a moment and then says. "Your holiness, the word you are looking for is aunt."

The Pope then asks, "do you have an eraser?"

[PeterAit]

Jim: I gave my wife a diamond bracelet and she stopped talking to me.

Jerry: My goodness, why?

Jim: That was our deal.

[Rob C]

" "Peter
"I am not young enough to know everything" - Oscar Wilde" "

That's exactly what I meant when I praised the six-year olds amongst us!

;-)

[pegelli]

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

[Otto Phocus]

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

I guess they were sitting in their own pew.

(crickets chirping)

I'll just be sitting down here in the corner. 

[PeterAit]

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were in a car.  Heisenberg was driving at a speed well over the limit when a cop pulled them over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the officer.
"No," replied Heisenberg, "but we know where we are."
Suspicious, the officer decided to search the car and opened the trunk.
"Hey," he demanded, "do you know there's a dead cat in here?"
"We do now," replied Schrodinger.

Love it!

[PeterAit]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

To Las Vegas", she replies, "Where women are paid $400 a night to do what I do for you free."

The man starts packing his own suitcase.

"And where are you going?" she asks.

"To Las Vegas. I want to see how you do on $800 a year."

[pegelli]

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God". "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?" Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

[Eric Myrvaagnes]

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God". "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?" Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

Thanks for that, Pieter!   

[Rob C]

Thanks for that, Pieter!   

A younger President would instantly have thought topiary.

Rob

[Chairman Bill]

That's it! No more. My wife has accused me of being a transvestite, so I'm packing her clothes and leaving.

[Rob C]

That's it! No more. My wife has accused me of being a transvestite, so I'm packing her clothes and leaving.

A wise decision, if I  may say so. A stitch in time...

[PeterAit]

Perhaps more meaningful to musicians, but still one of my favorites.

An hour before an important concert, the orchestra conductor fell ill and was rushed to hospital. There was no backup, and the administrators were in a panic. What to do?

Then the principal cellist came to the office. "I studied conducting in school and in fact I have conducted this very piece. If you wish I will do what I can." The administrators gratefully accepted.

The concert went forward under the cellist's baton and was a great success.

After, the principal cellist went backstage and was immediately confronted by the other members of the cello section.

"Where the hell have you been all evening?"

[Rob C]

Perhaps more meaningful to musicians, but still one of my favorites.

An hour before an important concert, the orchestra conductor fell ill and was rushed to hospital. There was no backup, and the administrators were in a panic. What to do?

Then the principal cellist came to the office. "I studied conducting in school and in fact I have conducted this very piece. If you wish I will do what I can." The administrators gratefully accepted.

The concert went forward under the cellist's baton and was a great success.

After, the principal cellist went backstage and was immediately confronted by the other members of the cello section.

"Where the hell have you been all evening?"

It may be a joke, but I have often wondered!

:-)

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

[Littlefield]

This one always makes me laugh.
Don

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

[Ray]

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

Excellent humor, Slobodan, with a strong degree of profundity.