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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 211694 times)

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #580 on: January 19, 2018, 04:38:28 pm »

That's just fine, Jeremy (and Rob.)
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-Eric Myrvaagnes (visit my website: http://myrvaagnes.com)

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #581 on: January 25, 2018, 08:54:55 am »

The elderly rabbi dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gates. He is kept waiting. A while later, a bus driver arrives and is admitted immediately. The rabbi is irate – “Why am I, a respected rabbi, kept waiting while a mere bus driver is let in right away?” An angel answers. “Rabbi, when you gave your sermons, your congregation napped. When that bus driver drove his bus, his passengers prayed to God.”
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Peter
"Science does not care what you believe" - unknown

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #582 on: January 26, 2018, 04:52:47 am »

A wise man once said nothing.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #583 on: January 27, 2018, 03:51:47 am »

The elderly rabbi dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gates. He is kept waiting. A while later, a bus driver arrives and is admitted immediately. The rabbi is irate – “Why am I, a respected rabbi, kept waiting while a mere bus driver is let in right away?” An angel answers. “Rabbi, when you gave your sermons, your congregation napped. When that bus driver drove his bus, his passengers prayed to God.”

Reminds me of the wish: "When I die, I'd like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers".

Jeremy
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #584 on: January 27, 2018, 04:01:24 am »


"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
 
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
 
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
 
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
 
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
 
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a reeealllly bad headache."
 

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #585 on: January 27, 2018, 08:02:02 am »

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #586 on: January 27, 2018, 09:59:08 am »

Absolutely, Slobodan. We have demonstrations of that fact on the web -- minute by minute.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2018, 11:11:57 am by RSL »
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #587 on: January 27, 2018, 10:53:56 am »

Lfe is short. Smile whilst you still have teeth.

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #588 on: January 27, 2018, 07:25:15 pm »

absolutely. And even if you don't have, still curl the lip ;D
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #589 on: January 28, 2018, 04:28:47 am »

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #590 on: January 28, 2018, 08:57:38 am »

 ;D ;D ;D
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #591 on: January 28, 2018, 04:50:09 pm »

Don't try to understand women; women understand women and they hate each other.

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #592 on: January 29, 2018, 06:57:30 am »

There was a priest who was an avid golf fanatic. He loved nothing better than a day on the course.  One Sunday, the weather was perfect and he could not resist the temptation to call in sick and skip giving his sermon.

He drove far out of town so that no one he knew would see him playing golf on Sunday.  The Angels were watching and expressing disapproval.  God reassured the angels that he would take care of things.

On the first hole, the priest hit a 350 yard hole in one, right in the cup. God chuckled and the Angles asked, dismayed, "this is how you handle this?  With a hole in one?"

God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #593 on: January 29, 2018, 08:23:49 am »

There was a priest who was an avid golf fanatic. He loved nothing better than a day on the course.  One Sunday, the weather was perfect and he could not resist the temptation to call in sick and skip giving his sermon.

He drove far out of town so that no one he knew would see him playing golf on Sunday.  The Angels were watching and expressing disapproval.  God reassured the angels that he would take care of things.

On the first hole, the priest hit a 350 yard hole in one, right in the cup. God chuckled and the Angles asked, dismayed, "this is how you handle this?  With a hole in one?"


God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?


Like!

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #594 on: January 29, 2018, 08:32:25 am »

+1
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #595 on: January 29, 2018, 08:43:34 am »

"God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?"

Does God need grammar lessons? Or do I?

Just a cheap joke, forgive me!

Rob

petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #596 on: January 29, 2018, 10:45:34 am »

"God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?"

Does God need grammar lessons? Or do I?

Just a cheap joke, forgive me!

Rob

Rob,

English may not be HER first language...

Peter

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #597 on: January 29, 2018, 02:35:19 pm »

...God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?

I've always heard it told about a rabbi, and on Saturday.

Jeremy
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #598 on: January 29, 2018, 02:45:58 pm »

There's a very long-running program on BBC Radio 4, called "I'm sorry I haven't a clue"; the tag is "the antidote to panel games" and the closing credits are "[the panellists] were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee".

One of the recurrent rounds, and comfortably my favourite, is called "Uxbridge English Dictionary": new definitions of old words. Some are rather clever. These are the ones that spring to mind.

Fuselage: not many that big.
Shellfish: a bit like a shelf.
Buttercup: face down.
Suffragette: Ryanair*.
Faculty: no PG Tips** at all.
Slippery: rather like a slipper.
Broccoli: in the manner of a badger.

Jeremy

* an airline noted, at least until recently, for its implied motto: the customer is always wrong
** the most popular brand of teabags in the UK, apparently
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #599 on: January 29, 2018, 02:46:58 pm »

What’s your name?
Dave F*****g Smith.

You got Tourette’s, Dave?
No. But the vicar who christened me did.

Jeremy
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