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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 202202 times)

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #620 on: March 21, 2018, 10:56:51 am »

An athiest woman is on a solo hike in the mountains when she slips off the trail and slides down the slope, catching herself at the last second with her fingertips on a small rock ledge. Above her is a slick rock wall with no handholds, below is a 100 foot drop onto jagged rocks. Despairing, she calls up to the trail "Is anyone there?"

A resonant voice answers from the clouds, "I am here my child. I will save you if you have faith."

"Yes, my Lord," she answers, "I have faith! What must I do."

"You must let go and fall, then I will catch you, and you will be saved by your faith."

The woman looks again at the jagged rocks below and then up to the trail.

"Is there anyone ELSE up there?"
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Peter
"Science does not care what you believe" - unknown

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #621 on: March 23, 2018, 08:38:08 am »

It was traditional in a certain Native American tribe for newborn babies to be named by the medicine man. One day a young boy went to the medicine man and asked, “Teacher, how do you decide on a name for each baby?”

The medicine man replied, “The Great  Spirit sends me a sign shortly after the birth. For example, on the morning your sister was born we had some rain, so she is Gentle Shower. And the evening when the chief’s son was born, a bear came to my house and growled, so he is Growling Bear. But tell me, why are you asking, Dog Taking Dump?”
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Peter
"Science does not care what you believe" - unknown

John Camp

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #622 on: March 23, 2018, 10:03:40 pm »

A blonde and a redhead were walking through downtown Tifton, Georgia, when the redhead looked in the open door of the local florist and groaned, "Oh, no!"
The blonde asked, "What's wrong?"
The redhead said, "Nothing's exactly wrong. I just saw my boyfriend in there buying flowers for me."
The blonde asked, "Isn't that a good thing?"
The redhead said, "Yes, but everytime he buys me flowers, I spend the whole weekend on my back with my legs up in the air."
The blonde asked, "Well...don't you have a vase?"


 
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #623 on: March 31, 2018, 08:30:48 am »

POTUS impeached for having sex with his wife.

Two23

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #624 on: March 31, 2018, 10:49:47 am »

Written on a tombstone:

"Here lies my wife
And here let her lie.
For she rests in peace
And so do I!"


Kent in SD
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Qui sedes ad dexteram Patris,
miserere nobis.

Rajan Parrikar

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #625 on: April 01, 2018, 03:41:34 am »

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #626 on: April 01, 2018, 03:55:58 am »

Google is hiring.

https://twitter.com/shafithinks/status/980104550743867392

Droll. Perhaps better, in current circumstances, directed at Facebook.

Jeremy
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #627 on: April 01, 2018, 09:21:42 am »

The current version:



And the origin:

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #628 on: April 08, 2018, 11:46:34 am »

A professor of Latin goes into a bar.

"I'll have a martinus."

"Do you mean martini?" replies the barkeep.

"If I want more than one, I'll say so."
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Peter
"Science does not care what you believe" - unknown

pegelli

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #629 on: April 08, 2018, 12:14:41 pm »

Maybe this should go in the "Red Flag" thread, but I've stopped posting there :)


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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pieter, aka pegelli

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #630 on: April 08, 2018, 03:33:18 pm »

Aah. Poor lorry.

Jeremy
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #631 on: April 08, 2018, 06:21:26 pm »

I don't think I've ever seen a homesick lorry before.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #632 on: April 11, 2018, 07:06:52 pm »

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have s*x with you. I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, “Do it, but ask him for $2000, then pick up the money so quickly that he wouldn’t even have enough time to undress himself.” So she agrees.

Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “What happened?”

She responds, “The Bastard used coins."

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #633 on: April 12, 2018, 07:13:29 am »

Man walks into an old Greek tailor shop, while carrying a pair of pants.

The tailor says "Euripides?"
The man replies "Eumenides?"

It's boffo in a classic Lit class.   ;)
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #634 on: April 19, 2018, 11:43:13 am »

Question: When is the use of "@#$%" or "@#$%ing" acceptable?

Answer
: There are only 11 times throughout history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.


In ASCENDING order, those exclamations were:


11.  "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

           Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912.
 

10.  "What the @#$% was that?"

           Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
 

9.  "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

           George Custer, 1877
 

8.  "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

           Albert Einstein, 1938.
 

7.  "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

           Picasso, 1926
 
 
6.  "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

           Pythagoras, 126 BC.
 

5.  "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

           Michelangelo, 1566.
 
 
4.  "Where the @#$% are we?"

           Amelia Earhart, 1937
 

3.  "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my butt!"

          Noah, 4314 BC
 
 
2.  "Aw, come on Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

           Bill Clinton, 1998
 
 
AND THE WINNER IS ......

1.     "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President"

           Hillary Clinton, 2016
 

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #635 on: April 22, 2018, 05:42:02 am »

The  Bagpiper


Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery just outside Glasgow. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop  for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the first earth had alread been put in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before, for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the  workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,  "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost …  it's a man thing.


« Last Edit: April 22, 2018, 12:22:06 pm by Rob C »
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Peter McLennan

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #636 on: April 22, 2018, 10:54:17 am »

Literally LOL’d.   ;D
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #637 on: April 26, 2018, 04:08:57 am »

    The light turned orange as he approached the traffic lights.
    He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even
    though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating
    through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her
    horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance
    to get through the intersection.
    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
    window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

    The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
    He took her to the police station where she was searched,
    fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
    After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
    and opened the door.

    She was escorted back to the booking desk where the
    arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

    He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
    pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
    horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
    I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the
    'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
    Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
    Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally,
    I assumed you had stolen the car.''

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #638 on: April 26, 2018, 08:09:18 am »

Two good ones, Rob. Love the bagpiper.

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #639 on: April 26, 2018, 09:14:56 am »

Two good ones, Rob. Love the bagpiper.
+1.
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