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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235034 times)

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #160 on: July 08, 2016, 04:06:30 pm »

:)

English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around

Thanks, Zorki. That's a great link. Love it.

Reminds me of George Bernard Shaw's "ghoti," fish.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2016, 04:12:06 pm by RSL »
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #161 on: July 08, 2016, 06:59:32 pm »

I'm taught p-l-o-u-g-h
Shall be pronounced "plow."
"Zat's easy w'en you know," I say,
"Mon Anglais, I'll get through!"

My teacher say zat in zat case,
O-u-g-h is "oo."
And zen I laugh and say to him,
"Zees Anglais make me cough."

He say "Not 'coo' but in zat word,
O-u-g-h is 'off,'"
"Oh, Sacre bleu! Such varied sounds
Of words make me hiccough!"

He say, "Again mon frien' ees wrong;
O-u-g-h is 'up'
In hiccough." Zen I cry, "No more,
You make my t'roat feel rough."

"Non, non!" he cry, "You are not right;
O-u-g-h is 'uff.'"
I say, "I try to spik your words,
I cannot spik zem though."

"In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong!
O-u-g-h is 'owe'"
"I'll try no more, I s'all go mad,
I'll drown me in ze lough!"

"But ere you drown yourself," said he,
"O-u-g-h is 'ock.'"
He taught no more, I held him fast
And killed him wiz a rough.


Jeremy
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aduke

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #162 on: July 08, 2016, 09:21:19 pm »

Jeremy, a wonderful demonstration of English variation. I was very happy to try to learn German as a second language after English as the first.

Alan
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #163 on: July 09, 2016, 12:41:22 am »

Jeremy, a wonderful demonstration of English variation.
+1.
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Kumar

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #164 on: July 09, 2016, 08:46:01 am »

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Rajan Parrikar

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #165 on: July 09, 2016, 07:30:25 pm »

Nice place to park.

PS: In Strandir, Iceland - American couple didn't realize the route had been washed away due to heavy rain.

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #166 on: July 09, 2016, 08:47:02 pm »

Nice place to park.

PS: In Strandir, Iceland - American couple didn't realize the route had been washed away due to heavy rain.
Probably busy talking on their cell phones, even if they had no service there.
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petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #167 on: July 10, 2016, 09:00:15 am »

And I'd been thinking recently that a person who sews should be called a sewer.

Eric, let's face it, sometimes English stinks...

Peter

Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #168 on: July 12, 2016, 04:38:43 am »

Talking about such things 'Belgium' was once described as the most offensive word in the English Language (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy I think) and here we have something that may support that assertion -

http://uglybelgianhouses.tumblr.com/

(Apologies to any of our Belgian friends here)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #169 on: July 13, 2016, 03:57:02 am »

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses
 

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #170 on: July 13, 2016, 04:08:54 am »

Which should cause us to wonder at the marvel that is Mother Nature. She gave us ears, nose & eyes, all in just the right place to enable the wearing of spectacles. Amazing foresight.

Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #171 on: July 13, 2016, 08:49:52 am »

Which should cause us to wonder at the marvel that is Mother Nature. She gave us ears, nose & eyes, all in just the right place to enable the wearing of spectacles. Amazing foresight.

Not only that, but the distance between my ears happens to exactly match that between my glasses' temples! I find that extraordinary, and extremely convenient. Thanks, Mother Nature!
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #172 on: July 13, 2016, 08:55:12 am »

Not only that, but the distance between my ears happens to exactly match that between my glasses' temples! I find that extraordinary, and extremely convenient. Thanks, Mother Nature!


Mine remains uncharted territory.

There could be a lot; there could be very little, but certainly there be no dragons.

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #173 on: July 13, 2016, 08:58:44 am »

It's the 6th of November, and teacher is asking the children about their experiences on Bonfire Night.

Susie: Well Miss, we had fireworks and a bonfire with a guy on top and we burnt it all up and it was lovely.

Miss: Well that's nice, Susie. Thanks for sharing that with us. Anyone else?

Billy: Miss, we had a bonfire and fireworks and we waved sparklers in the air and I wrote my name with them.

Miss: That's lovely, Billy. Anyone else?

Johnny: Miss, we 'ad a bonfire and fireworks, and stuffed bangers up frogs' arses.

Miss: Rectum, Johnny, rectum!

Johnny: Wrecked 'em Miss? It f***ing blew 'em to smithereens.

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #174 on: July 13, 2016, 02:16:48 pm »

Blondes look away now.

A blonde  lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was  flagged down by  a man whose truck had broken  down__
 
The man walked up to the car and  asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure,"  answered the blonde, "do you need a  lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep  them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I'll give you $100 for your  trouble."
"I'd be happy  to," said the blonde.
So the two  chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and  carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they  went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of  San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde  walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the  amusement of a big crowd.
 
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you  doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the  zoo!"
 
"Yes, I know  you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to  Sea World."

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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #175 on: July 14, 2016, 04:31:24 am »


A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack, selling neckties.
 
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
 
The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
 
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
 
"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only five dollars."
 
"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"
 
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two kilometres, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
 
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
 
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,
 
"They won't let me in without a tie."

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #176 on: July 14, 2016, 04:35:27 am »

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Japanese, a Chinese, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, an American, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Welshman, another Englishman, a Cuban, an Australian, a Brazilian and a Portuguese walk into an upmarket bar.

The barman says "Sorry, gentlemen - you can't come in here without a Thai".

Jeremy
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Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #177 on: July 14, 2016, 04:36:34 am »

Murphy goes for a job interview with the local blacksmith.

Blacksmith: So tell me Murphy, have you ever shoed a horse before?

Murphy: Ah, to be sure I haven't, but I did once tell a pig to feck off

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #178 on: July 14, 2016, 10:52:14 am »

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Japanese, a Chinese, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, an American, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Welshman, another Englishman, a Cuban, an Australian, a Brazilian and a Portuguese walk into an upmarket bar.

The barman says "Sorry, gentlemen - you can't come in here without a Thai".

Jeremy

Shame! Shame! Jeremy.
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #179 on: July 14, 2016, 01:23:56 pm »

Shame! Shame! Jeremy.
And If I had been telling it, I would have said "another American" instead of "another Englishman."

 8)
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