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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235342 times)

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #140 on: June 22, 2016, 07:54:35 pm »

Oh! Thanks for that one, Zorki! I hadn't seen it before.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #141 on: June 23, 2016, 08:29:37 am »

Don't try these at home: without all the town hall, fuzz authorization in the world, you'll just get shot on the spot!

Now that would be worth recording too!

;-)

Rob

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #142 on: June 23, 2016, 09:14:27 am »

For when you decide not to buy that damned camera.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61oJT-d900

Rob

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #143 on: June 29, 2016, 04:17:32 am »

             The Sheer Nightgown.

            A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his

            wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 250 to 500 in price -- the

            sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts forthe sheerest item, pays the 500, and takes it

            home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it

            for him. Upstairs the wifethinks (she's nodummy), 'I have an

            idea. It's so sheer that it might as well benothing.I won't put it on,

            but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the 500 refund for myself.'

            She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,

            'Good Grief! You'd think for 500, they'd at least iron it!'

            He never heard the shot.

            Funeral on Thursday at Noon .       

Tony Jay

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #144 on: June 29, 2016, 05:27:47 am »

             The Sheer Nightgown.

            A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his

            wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 250 to 500 in price -- the

            sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts forthe sheerest item, pays the 500, and takes it

            home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it

            for him. Upstairs the wifethinks (she's nodummy), 'I have an

            idea. It's so sheer that it might as well benothing.I won't put it on,

            but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the 500 refund for myself.'

            She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,

            'Good Grief! You'd think for 500, they'd at least iron it!'

            He never heard the shot.

            Funeral on Thursday at Noon .     
Ouch!!
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #145 on: June 30, 2016, 02:59:01 am »

I was in hospital last week and the bloke in the next bed did nothing but
complain: about the nurses, the food, the hard bed, the boredom. A nurse
told me he couldn't help it, he was in a critical condition.
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #146 on: June 30, 2016, 02:12:07 pm »

Someone from the Ramblers' Association cold-called me last week. Couldn't get him off the phone.

Jeremy
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RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #147 on: June 30, 2016, 04:07:36 pm »

For when you decide not to buy that damned camera.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61oJT-d900

Rob

Thanks Rob, Fats has been one of my favorites since high school.
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Russ Lewis  www.russ-lewis.com.

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #148 on: June 30, 2016, 04:13:20 pm »

I was in hospital last week and the bloke in the next bed did nothing but
complain: about the nurses, the food, the hard bed, the boredom. A nurse
told me he couldn't help it, he was in a critical condition.

Good grief, Mike. Shame. . . shame. . .
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Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #149 on: July 03, 2016, 03:51:32 am »

Someone from the Ramblers' Association cold-called me last week. Couldn't get him off the phone.

Jeremy

It could have been worse, it could have been Janet Street-Porter herself!
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #150 on: July 03, 2016, 06:27:19 am »

New disease strikes Spain, Australia and, possibly, twice in Britain:

Electile Dysfunction.

GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #151 on: July 03, 2016, 06:35:47 am »

Electile Dysfunction.

I'm stealing this...
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #152 on: July 03, 2016, 10:05:06 am »

...Electile Dysfunction.

Which goes, hand in hand, with Obama's premature evacuation (from Iraq, enabling ISIS).

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #153 on: July 05, 2016, 04:01:05 am »

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow. There's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.  When you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,"At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink. Then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"


"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Redcrown

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #154 on: July 08, 2016, 12:46:35 pm »

A few thoughts on the English language

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

15) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

16) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

17) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

18) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes
off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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Zorki5

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petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #156 on: July 08, 2016, 01:51:09 pm »

:)

English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around

When read, we read it correctly...it's all in the context. Most of the time.

Peter

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #157 on: July 08, 2016, 02:16:04 pm »

One for the Brits

How to start your weekend with a positive outlook
1. Open a new file in your PC
2. Name it "Michael Gove"
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of Michael Gove?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #158 on: July 08, 2016, 03:02:33 pm »

A few thoughts on the English language
And I'd been thinking recently that a person who sews should be called a sewer.
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-Eric Myrvaagnes (visit my website: http://myrvaagnes.com)

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #159 on: July 08, 2016, 03:55:04 pm »

When read, we read it correctly...it's all in the context. Most of the time.

Peter

Kind of like photography.
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