Pages: 1 ... 53 54 [55] 56 57 ... 68   Go Down

Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235350 times)

JoeKitchen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4500
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1080 on: March 29, 2020, 12:26:25 pm »

Have we had this one?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. ,Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Doing repeats?  I posted this on the page prior.   ;)
Logged
"Photography is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent

Craig Lamson

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3064
    • Craig Lamson Photo Homepage
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1081 on: March 29, 2020, 12:53:09 pm »

Adult themed, beware if these things offend.

BJ donut for toilet paper.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbKH32DWNjs
Logged
Craig Lamson Photo

Slobodan Blagojevic

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 17254
  • When everyone thinks the same, nobody thinks
    • My website
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1082 on: March 29, 2020, 01:08:53 pm »

...

drmike

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 988
    • On Flickr:
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1083 on: March 29, 2020, 02:22:21 pm »

Doing repeats?  I posted this on the page prior.   ;)

Sorry Joe.
Logged

Robert Roaldi

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2865
    • Robert's Photos
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1084 on: March 29, 2020, 03:38:09 pm »

Logged
--
Robert

JoeKitchen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4500
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1085 on: March 29, 2020, 05:23:08 pm »

Sorry Joe.

No worries; I was being ironical anyway. 
Logged
"Photography is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent

drmike

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 988
    • On Flickr:
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1086 on: March 30, 2020, 05:33:23 am »

I'm pretty sure we haven't had this one. Bear in mind it's probably a conversion from US to UK.

I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show.

Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground!

As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors!

On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning.

One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine.

Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true!

So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second.

Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside.

Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward.

Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him.

The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding.

It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could.

He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months.

Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life.

As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub.

So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window.

He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room.

Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate.

He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone.

Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, How the fuck did you do that???

Easy, replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, I'm an ex tractor fan.

Logged

Slobodan Blagojevic

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 17254
  • When everyone thinks the same, nobody thinks
    • My website
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1087 on: March 30, 2020, 06:18:48 am »

Severe consequences for art in Chicago, after mandated social distancing rules:

JoeKitchen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4500
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1088 on: March 30, 2020, 07:19:25 am »

I know this is suppose to be a joke, but I'm sure some people are already planning the lawsuits. 

And must be interesting to be a dog today.
Logged
"Photography is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent

Rob C

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 24074
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1089 on: March 30, 2020, 07:27:21 am »

Severe consequences for art in Chicago, after mandated social distancing rules:

Not a time to flog the Seurat, then.

;-)

KLaban

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2359
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1090 on: March 31, 2020, 01:00:02 pm »

Received the following Whatsapp today.

We are a week into self-isolation and its very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window, staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. Ive thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. Ive even considered letting her come in..but rules are rules.
Logged

JoeKitchen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4500
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1091 on: March 31, 2020, 05:50:40 pm »

I don't about you guys, but I'm having no problem with social distancing.   8)
Logged
"Photography is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent

LesPalenik

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4216
    • advantica blog
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1092 on: April 01, 2020, 12:41:19 am »

Due to the current financial situation, caused by the Coronavirus and lack of action from our President, there is a slowdown in the economy.  The Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers age 50 and above on early mandatory retirement. This will create jobs and reduce unemployment.

The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).  Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to the government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as the Government deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependent & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPEd and staying on will receive as much S**T (Special High-Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided itself on the amount of S**T they give our citizens Should you feel that you do not receive enough S**T, please bring this to the attention of your local authorities as they have been trained to give you all the S**T you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives  (EVIL)

P.S.
Due to the virus, recent cuts to the budget, and rising costs of utilities as well as the current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Logged

Slobodan Blagojevic

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 17254
  • When everyone thinks the same, nobody thinks
    • My website
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1093 on: April 01, 2020, 07:05:20 am »

...

drmike

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 988
    • On Flickr:
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1094 on: April 01, 2020, 07:10:48 am »

Very good
Logged

drmike

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 988
    • On Flickr:
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1095 on: April 01, 2020, 07:17:02 am »

Carefully stolen from reddit

Just got back from the supermarket, and amidst all the supposed controls the supermarkets say they are applying, guy in the next aisle had 15 cases of Sol, 10 bottles of tequila, 10 enchiladas and a big bag of chillies.

I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.
Logged

Slobodan Blagojevic

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 17254
  • When everyone thinks the same, nobody thinks
    • My website
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1096 on: April 01, 2020, 12:56:28 pm »

Husband: I cheated on you!

Wife: Me too!

Husband: April 1st, hahaha

Wife: February 23rd

JoeKitchen

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4500
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1097 on: April 02, 2020, 07:38:13 am »

Some people will be relieved on this one. 
Logged
"Photography is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent

petermfiore

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 2596
    • Peter Fiore Fine Art
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1098 on: April 02, 2020, 08:26:05 am »

Some people will be relieved on this one.

Oops!  Never knew it was a problem....

Peter

Slobodan Blagojevic

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 17254
  • When everyone thinks the same, nobody thinks
    • My website
Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1099 on: April 03, 2020, 10:57:33 am »

...
Pages: 1 ... 53 54 [55] 56 57 ... 68   Go Up