A touch of humor

[Jeremy Roussak]

With greatest respect, Jeremy:

Spot on. I prefer "with all due respect", since that bears the subtitle "and, frankly, that's not very much".

We use those forms of language in court all the time. I can't find it now, but I recently read a wonderful translation guide, from "what advocates say" to "what advocates mean". Perhaps my favourite was the true meaning of "as your Lordship pleases", said in response to a decision after argument on a minor point by the Judge. It is "Fine. Be like that, then".

Jeremy

[PeterAit]

With greatest respect, Jeremy:

Bless your heart.

[David Sutton]

With greatest respect, Jeremy:

Stout fellow.

[Ivophoto]

The French have their way of saying things as well.
If you brag with some new gadgetry you can get this:

“ca donne comme l'impression d'avoir un certain quality”

[David Sutton]

The French have their way of saying things as well.
If you brag with some new gadgetry you can get this:

“ca donne comme l'impression d'avoir un certain quality”

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

...

[D Fuller]

 
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers (or at least the person who sent them to me said they were):

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER .... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

Super!

[PeterAit]

Charlie was quite ill and went to the Dr. with his wife. After the examination the Dr. asked to speak to the wife alone.

"You husband's condition is serious and potentially fatal, but he can be cured, it's up to you. He needs complete rest and relaxation. He must sleep as late as he wants, then you must make him his favorite breakfast--lunch and dinner, too. And you must clean up. Also, he is to be excused from all housework, yardwork, shopping, and the like. Whenever he wants sex, be accepting and do whatever he asks. He gets to watch whatever he wants on TV. If he asks for a foot rub or back massage, give it to him. If you do this for a year, he will be cured."

On the way home in the car, Charlie asked his wife "What did the Dr. say?"

"You're going to die."

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Eric Myrvaagnes]

 

[Patricia Sheley]

    

[Kevin Gallagher]

[LesPalenik]

Before And After

A story made in a snowy country. This is something you can't do in sunny Florida or Arizona.
The first two images show a crime scene before and after. The other images show making the story.

I pulled out the attached images from a video clip (made in Russia). Regrettably, the 7 snaps can't do justice to the original video.

[PeterAit]

Overheard from someone who watched the Superbowl: "The last time I saw so many guys go so long without scoring was at a singles bar."

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

Works either way you approach it:

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

And finally something about photography:

[rabanito]

Works either way you approach it:

[PeterAit]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No," said Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."

The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35 zone."

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is very suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He looks and says, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

[rabanito]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No," said Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."

The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35 zone."

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is very suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He looks and says, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

 
"All is relative" didn't say Einstein