A touch of humor

[D Fuller]

Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle?   

I didn’t know either, so I googled it. It’s Automatic Emergency Braking.

[Eric Myrvaagnes]

I didn’t know either, so I googled it. It’s Automatic Emergency Braking.

I wouldn't buy a camera without it!

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing?

[LesPalenik]

You mean, one exposure was done by man in a suit, one in a speedo and one in a fur coat?

[JNB_Rare]

Auto Exposure Banishing ruined my volleyball pictures. 

[Frans Waterlander]

Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing?

Slobodan, it's very insensitive of you to put the Nikon Technical Expert on the spot. Bad, bad Slobodan!

[D Fuller]

Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing?

What’s the fun in that?   

[Jeremy Roussak]

I phoned Alcohol Concern on Friday and told them I was worried that I didn't have enough beer in my fridge for the weekend.

They're quite rude, aren't they?

Jeremy

[ThomasR99]

A man was set for a physical and needed to submit a urine specimen.  Deciding to have a little fun, he mixed his urine w/some from his son, daughter, wife and dog.  At the appointment his doctor told him he had good news and bad news.

"Give me the good news first, Doctor", the man stated.  The doctor replied, "You're in perfect health!".

"Well, what's the bad news then?" the man asked.

Replied the doctor:  "Your wife's having an affair with the postman, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant and your dog has the mange.".

Rimshot.

[ThomasR99]

There are two types of people in the world:
Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

[ThomasR99]

Had a chance to meet the Pope a few years ago.  He was holding a Q&A session, so I asked him if there were any mistakes in the Bible.  "Of course not," he replied, "it's the word of God."  Unimpressed, I asked again if not even one single error was present.  He was a bit miffed, and offered to get the original Hebrew tablets to prove his point to me.  He disappeared into the catacombs, and after a good 30 minutes, growing impatient I decided to try and track him down.  Wandering through the aisles I finally found him, hunched over a desk, beneath a single dim candle, crying softly.  A bit concerned, I asked him, "Holy Father, what's the matter?"  Looking up, with tears streaming down his cheeks, he replied "Celebrate...the word was supposed to be 'celebrate'."

(disclaimer...I'm a poor Catholic at best.  If it's not Hebrew tablets, substitute the correct term as you please).

[ThomasR99]

Taken from uglyhedgehog.com, with full credit to the original author(s) and some clarifiers for our non-US friends:

Unusual Units of Measurement not taught in my physics classes:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope  (Scope(R) being a popular US brand of mouthwash/mouthrinse).

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram (Billy Graham)

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling  (Twilight Zone was a popular Sci-Fi program from the late 50's to early 60's. Hosted by Rod Serling).

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

17. 3 protesting neighbors = 1 notinmyback yard  (NIMBYism is a popular term in US for people who want a 'solution' to a 'problem'...as long as the 'solution' isn't placed in their neighborhood, or 'in their backyard)

18. 1000 mL drunk by Kim Jong Un = 1 Dear Liter

19. Combined volume of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria = 3 galleons

Been a while since I've visited here, missed the good humor and cameraderie

Thomas.

[Rob C]

Taken from uglyhedgehog.com, with full credit to the original author(s) and some clarifiers for our non-US friends:

Unusual Units of Measurement not taught in my physics classes:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope  (Scope(R) being a popular US brand of mouthwash/mouthrinse).

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram (Billy Graham)

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling  (Twilight Zone was a popular Sci-Fi program from the late 50's to early 60's. Hosted by Rod Serling).

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

17. 3 protesting neighbors = 1 notinmyback yard  (NIMBYism is a popular term in US for people who want a 'solution' to a 'problem'...as long as the 'solution' isn't placed in their neighborhood, or 'in their backyard)

18. 1000 mL drunk by Kim Jong Un = 1 Dear Liter

19. Combined volume of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria = 3 galleons

Been a while since I've visited here, missed the good humor and cameraderie

Thomas.

You should have been here during the truly iconic political period: the love was flowing like blood in an abattoir.

;-)

[petermfiore]

You should have been here during the truly iconic political period: the love was flowing like blood in an abattoir.

;-)

MOO...

Peter

[Rob C]

Then my dog bit me.


I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
 
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[PeterAit]

On a similar note:

Doctor to her patient: "You are in excellent health for a man of 80. Too bad you are only 35."

A man was set for a physical and needed to submit a urine specimen.  Deciding to have a little fun, he mixed his urine w/some from his son, daughter, wife and dog.  At the appointment his doctor told him he had good news and bad news.

"Give me the good news first, Doctor", the man stated.  The doctor replied, "You're in perfect health!".

"Well, what's the bad news then?" the man asked.

Replied the doctor:  "Your wife's having an affair with the postman, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant and your dog has the mange.".

Rimshot.

[PeterAit]

Sorry if this is a repeat.

Moses came down from Mount Sinai and addressed the assembled Israelites.

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still forbidden.""

[Chairman Bill]

I got attacked whilst on my run this evening - some bloke tried to beat me up with an Elton John record ...

I'm still standing.
 

[ThomasR99]

A group of bikers see a girl about to jump from a bridge.
Their leader gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," He also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give me your last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, The biker leader gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[LesPalenik]

A WISE PERSON ONCE SAID:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
6. On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!