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Author Topic: Self-portraits  (Read 4145 times)

jule

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Self-portraits
« on: June 06, 2012, 10:58:05 pm »

I am now well on the road to healing and recovery - and I do not wish for any sympathy or condolances - but what I realised after some recent lip surgery is that photography and art are a part of my everyday existance - and not something I "go and do" as a separate activity.

I took half a dozen snaps using my iPhone whilst I was in Post-op and the next day at home lying in bed recouperating, I just found myself playing with them in Snapseed - as I have just found out to be a great little iPhone app.

What I found myself doing was just recognising and expressing through these conversions some of the emotions I felt after my surgery.

What I am interested in and would like some feedback on please - is what feelings these images illicit in others - to see whether they have some correlation to what I was feeling;or whether what I see on the screen is clouded by the closeness of my own experience.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2012, 10:59:42 pm by jule »
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popnfresh

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2012, 11:56:34 pm »

An intensely personal and stark set of photographs. Most people who post here try to impress with pretty pictures, but I respect these for their honesty and directness, even if they aren't pretty.

The feelings they elicit for me are pain, desolation, shock and disorientation. Does that correlate?
« Last Edit: June 07, 2012, 01:32:05 am by popnfresh »
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William Walker

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2012, 02:30:06 am »

Hi Jule

The first picture reminds me of a feeling I had when there was an accident and loss very close to me. That is: "has this really happened to me?" A feeling of disbelief, and shock.

In the second picture it is like you are looking into a mirror and do not like what you see. There is a look of "self-loathing", anger, perhaps revulsion?

In the third picture there is a look of tired resignation, acceptance, but also, there is a look of determination to overcome.

Get well soon!
William
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wolfnowl

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2012, 02:41:12 am »

I see someone seeking to remember her own beauty... but that's just me.  It's there.

Mike.
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Rob C

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2012, 04:46:12 am »

I can't comment on your own situation because I don't know anything about it; however, I have been too damned close to the dark side of life to believe that the sunny days are anything much more than an illusion, another cheap photographic trick.

It has made me question the reasons for life, if there are any, and then to conclude that the thing is entirely too complex to have been 'accident' and that yes, there is something else beyond, something that has nothing at all to do with religion as such, which I see as Man's attempts, first at understanding himself and then, later, exerting control of others, but that something else has to exist if only to make creation/life/evolution have a point and a primary reason for being - of being.

I have also learned that what you do always comes back to haunt you, one way or another.

Were I you - and I'm not and have no knowledge of your life - I would not do self-portraits. I have a couple from when I was in my late teens and early thirties... who in their right mind wants to see that and then the mother I see in my mirror today? Yet, photographs I made of my late wife in her teens/early 20s and early 40s are probably my most treasured possessions. I talk to them every day.

Comes a time, I think, that survival consists of switching the mind right off and just getting through the day as best one can. Having said which, I also believe that some people are blessed with a personality that allows them to cope with life better than can others. Some deck of cards.

Rob C

John R Smith

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2012, 05:14:07 am »

Jule

These pictures are done well. I think it was Rembrandt (or was it Reubens?) who did at least one brutally honest self-portrait, and these have a similar integrity.

John
« Last Edit: June 07, 2012, 06:37:13 am by John R Smith »
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michswiss

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2012, 08:30:05 am »

I've looked at these a few times now.  I sense dissociation, ambivalence, separation.

Apologies for the directness.  I think the use of the app on your phone is a way to abstract the trauma you've been through.  One of the downsides of iPhone app images is there's seldom a way to go back to the original.  To look at the unvarnished picture.  I'd be interested in seeing the same shots, sans any processing.  There's something there that I think is worth exploring.

jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2012, 01:33:50 am »

An intensely personal and stark set of photographs. Most people who post here try to impress with pretty pictures, but I respect these for their honesty and directness, even if they aren't pretty.

The feelings they elicit for me are pain, desolation, shock and disorientation. Does that correlate?
Thank you popnfresh so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I have made a committment to live my life with openness and honesty, and have come to terms with me not always being 'pretty' or attractive..... because the reality of my experience is evidence that it is otherwise.

Yes... pain, desolation, shock and disorientation are exaclty some of the felings I felt throughout this experience.
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #8 on: June 08, 2012, 01:59:22 am »

Hi Jule

The first picture reminds me of a feeling I had when there was an accident and loss very close to me. That is: "has this really happened to me?" A feeling of disbelief, and shock.

In the second picture it is like you are looking into a mirror and do not like what you see. There is a look of "self-loathing", anger, perhaps revulsion?

In the third picture there is a look of tired resignation, acceptance, but also, there is a look of determination to overcome.

Get well soon!
William

Thank you William, yes... disbelief and shock. We had been away for 7 weeks travelling across Australia, and although I went to my Doctor the week before we left because I was concerned about this lesion on my lip which was developing - I was reasured not to worry. Throughout our time away it was getting larger and darker quite quickly - so I made an appointment for the day we arrived home - and then was immediately sent to a hospital an hour away for an immediate review by a Specialist Skin cancer dermatologist. He was concerned enough to want to have it removed within a few days hence my surgery. All rather sudden, and results next week. I am healing well. ... and as I genuinely said before - this is not about requiring sympathy, but for me rather to guage whether my processing actually portrayed the feelings I had, and I am interested in hearing how others responded.

So...yes...shock and disbelief...and I was not at all prepared for the assault on my body with having needles into my hand and arms; tubes down my throat and scalpels cut and needles pierce and stitch into my sensitive flesh; and chemicals and aneasthetic into my body which were absolutely necessary but made me feel hideously ill. 

The second one I hadn't identified self-loathing...and can't really connect with that. I actually felt a sense of defiance and strength, regardless of the battering  my body had received.

and yes...the third...tired resignation, acceptance and an inner strength to heal and deal with whateveer is to follow.

Thank you William for taking the time to respond.
Julie
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2012, 02:06:57 am »

I see someone seeking to remember her own beauty... but that's just me.  It's there.

Mike.
Yes Mike... I was remembering what I looked like in the morning... and adjusting to how quickly my face had changed through pain and surgery over the 8 hours. I saw myself in so much pain; and over an hour or so remembered that 'nothing can affect us'...meaning that our beauty and 'inner light', cannot be affected by any circumstance...which is what I was coming to terms with in the third photograph...an acceptance of an experience and a change in physical appearance.... yet my beauty and ' inner light' still was present.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2012, 02:22:31 am »

I can't comment on your own situation because I don't know anything about it; however, I have been too damned close to the dark side of life to believe that the sunny days are anything much more than an illusion, another cheap photographic trick.

It has made me question the reasons for life, if there are any, and then to conclude that the thing is entirely too complex to have been 'accident' and that yes, there is something else beyond, something that has nothing at all to do with religion as such, which I see as Man's attempts, first at understanding himself and then, later, exerting control of others, but that something else has to exist if only to make creation/life/evolution have a point and a primary reason for being - of being.

I have also learned that what you do always comes back to haunt you, one way or another.

Were I you - and I'm not and have no knowledge of your life - I would not do self-portraits. I have a couple from when I was in my late teens and early thirties... who in their right mind wants to see that and then the mother I see in my mirror today? Yet, photographs I made of my late wife in her teens/early 20s and early 40s are probably my most treasured possessions. I talk to them every day.

Comes a time, I think, that survival consists of switching the mind right off and just getting through the day as best one can. Having said which, I also believe that some people are blessed with a personality that allows them to cope with life better than can others. Some deck of cards.

Rob C

Rob, thank you for your thought provoking words. As I have just said above, I have made a committment to live my life in as honest and open way as I can. Life isn't all rosy and 'pretty'. Our son, at 19 nearly died and lost his leg.... and he has taught me about the richness of being real.... not for sympathy, but for honest, real connection with others - so that life is not just an accumulation of moments which are facades. Through this honesty of expression every moment of my life, I have learned more about myself and had a richness of interaction with others for me I don't think could occur in any other way.

I am glad I found myself creating these images, and one of our adult sons looked at them last night and had a tear in his eye and said to me, "Mum, you are really brave and couragous... and are really beautiful." I'm glad our sons saw these photos because they saw something in me which perhaps they would not have connected with should I have chosen to only reveal only my 'young', 'attractive' photographs.

I'm learning about the depth and richness of life...my greying hair...my laughter lines...how gravity is exerting greater influence on my bosoms... but also my courage; my grief; my joy; my love; my excitemenet and passion... all these things - without censorship.  If these images come back to haunt me...I hope that the words they say will be that at least I was honest.

I want to learn how to more effectively express who I am through my artworks, and being able to look at images objectively is imperative. Because I have such a close emotional alignment with these self-portraits, I wanted to guage how effective I was in expressing some of what I was feeling.

Thank Rob,
Julie
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #11 on: June 08, 2012, 02:24:11 am »

Jule

These pictures are done well. I think it was Rembrandt (or was it Reubens?) who did at least one brutally honest self-portrait, and these have a similar integrity.

John
Thank you John for expressing that you felt these images had honesty. That was my intention.

Julie
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William Walker

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #12 on: June 08, 2012, 02:34:05 am »

Hi Jule

In the second picture it is like you are looking into a mirror and do not like what you see. There is a look of "self-loathing", anger, perhaps revulsion?

Get well soon!
William

Hi Jule

I realised when I wrote it that these were not the right words - perhaps I should have stopped after the first sentence...I certainly did not mean that in the negative long term way of it being an existing or persisting condition. I hope that makes sense.

I also appreciate the way you are taking the time and thought to reply to each one of us.
Again, get well soon.

William
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2012, 03:02:42 am »

I've looked at these a few times now.  I sense dissociation, ambivalence, separation.

Apologies for the directness.  I think the use of the app on your phone is a way to abstract the trauma you've been through.  One of the downsides of iPhone app images is there's seldom a way to go back to the original.  To look at the unvarnished picture.  I'd be interested in seeing the same shots, sans any processing.  There's something there that I think is worth exploring.
Please Mich ...no apologies for directness. That is the only way one should communicate. It is interesting that you feel dissassociation, ambivalence and separation... and there is some truth in this. I briefly mentioned in a previous reply that I recognised after about an hour in post-op that "I could not be affected" by any experience...and that my beauty or 'inner light'...or Soul..or whatever you want to call it... cannot be affected by anything. There was part of me which was just witnessing all this trauma...yet felt unnafected by it. I wavered between feeling shocked and in extreme pain; feeling battered from the medical intrusion into my body; feeling vulnerable at being left for hours without being checked on and feeling hideously nauseas; feeling strength and courage; feeling resignation and acceptance that this is what is necessary to remove a potential melanoma; and being accepting and recognising that my body didn't 'define' me.....so I could just witness all that was occurring in the knowing that I could not be affected.

I understand that processing images could be an away to abstract the trauma I have been through... but in this instance I felt and recognised that I don't go and "do art" as if it was something separate from who I am, and as if it was something 'extra' that I did. I realised that i live creatively and am exploring expressing myself creatively all the time, and that I was playing with technology - as an iPhone is in the first place to take the original image.. and I was just exploring, recollecting and expressing how I felt after this surgery.

Upon reflection of these originals which I have included for your interest - I still feel that the process of me exploring the processing of them actually helped me 'process' my experience; and I do feel that the resultant images represent a stronger representation of my emotions than the originals.

Thank you for your openness and honesty. More of it I say !
Julie
 
« Last Edit: June 08, 2012, 03:13:03 am by jule »
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2012, 03:08:23 am »

Hi Jule

I realised when I wrote it that these were not the right words - perhaps I should have stopped after the first sentence...I certainly did not mean that in the negative long term way of it being an existing or persisting condition. I hope that makes sense.

I also appreciate the way you are taking the time and thought to reply to each one of us.
Again, get well soon.

William

No William... no negativity taken at all..and I appreciate and only want your honest, immediate response. You identified that as what you saw in the image....and that is what is important because that was YOUR reaction. I value your expression of that feeling that you had. Your feeling or perception doesn't actually affect how i feel about myself. My intention was to determine if my processing of my images helped support the feeling I was trying to convey. I just didn't connect with that for me that's all.... because I actually think I'm quite a special, groovy girl  :-)  :-)

Julie
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cmi

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #15 on: June 09, 2012, 05:26:16 am »

Despair. Absolute despair. To be wounded at such a prominent spot, not to know how or when that will recuperate or how it will turn out. The original images you posted later do not show it that clear.
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WalterEG

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #16 on: June 09, 2012, 05:33:28 am »

At the outset, Jule, may I thank you for sharing these deeply personal and private moments.

For me, the true understanding cannot be realised at all just yet.  I see them as travel photos - portraits from a journey.  They may well take on an entirely different meaning at subsequent points in that journey when seen in context with total outcomes.

I wish you comfort and a full and speedy recovery.

Regards,

Walter
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #17 on: June 09, 2012, 05:46:55 am »

Despair. Absolute despair. To be wounded at such a prominent spot, not to know how or when that will recuperate or how it will turn out. The original images you posted later do not show it that clear.
Thank you for sharing your response to my images. Yes... I did not feel the original images taken with my iphone actually portrayed what I felt after surgery...and it was only whilst I was playing with the Snapseed plugin in bed the following day - that I connected more deeply with how I felt the day before in hospital. I feel the Snapseed processed images portray more effectively how I felt and gave me an opportunity to express my creativity - without even really thinking about it at the time.

Julie
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jule

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Re: Self-portraits
« Reply #18 on: June 09, 2012, 05:50:38 am »

At the outset, Jule, may I thank you for sharing these deeply personal and private moments.

For me, the true understanding cannot be realised at all just yet.  I see them as travel photos - portraits from a journey.  They may well take on an entirely different meaning at subsequent points in that journey when seen in context with total outcomes.

I wish you comfort and a full and speedy recovery.

Regards,

Walter
Thank you Walter for your well wishes...and it has actually been a privilege for me to be able to share these moments of my life and to be able to interact and communicate with others in this way.

Yes... a journey. I like that. :-) I have always thought of my life as a journey. Not good bits or bad bits... but rather experiences....and this is just another one of them. :-)

Julie
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