I can't comment on your own situation because I don't know anything about it; however, I have been too damned close to the dark side of life to believe that the sunny days are anything much more than an illusion, another cheap photographic trick.
It has made me question the reasons for life, if there are any, and then to conclude that the thing is entirely too complex to have been 'accident' and that yes, there is something else beyond, something that has nothing at all to do with religion as such, which I see as Man's attempts, first at understanding himself and then, later, exerting control of others, but that something else has to exist if only to make creation/life/evolution have a point and a primary reason for being - of being.
I have also learned that what you do always comes back to haunt you, one way or another.
Were I you - and I'm not and have no knowledge of your life - I would not do self-portraits. I have a couple from when I was in my late teens and early thirties... who in their right mind wants to see that and then the mother I see in my mirror today? Yet, photographs I made of my late wife in her teens/early 20s and early 40s are probably my most treasured possessions. I talk to them every day.
Comes a time, I think, that survival consists of switching the mind right off and just getting through the day as best one can. Having said which, I also believe that some people are blessed with a personality that allows them to cope with life better than can others. Some deck of cards.
Rob C