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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235172 times)

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #420 on: February 21, 2017, 08:01:34 pm »

that's what he gets for raisin cane.  ;)
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #421 on: February 22, 2017, 07:01:59 am »

How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?

50

One to actually get up and change it and 49 others to complain on the Internets Tubes about how they could have done it better.  ;D
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #422 on: February 22, 2017, 01:21:12 pm »

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a
wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
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PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #423 on: February 25, 2017, 10:14:37 am »

Moses came down from Mount SInai and spoke to the Israelites.

"I have good news and bad news," he said.

"The good news is that I got Him down to ten."

"The bad news is that adultery is still forbidden."
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Peter

"You are entitled to your own opinion but not your own facts" -- D.P. Moynihan

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #424 on: February 25, 2017, 11:03:34 am »

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
 
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

MattNQ

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #425 on: February 25, 2017, 05:36:10 pm »

I was kidnapped by a gang of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me......
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Matt

HSakols

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #426 on: February 26, 2017, 11:32:30 am »

The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #427 on: February 26, 2017, 12:58:34 pm »

The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2

To think, that could have saved St Ansel's mind! He always was a muso too. Life's all about timing, innit?

Rob

JNB_Rare

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #428 on: February 26, 2017, 02:48:27 pm »

The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2

Jaco Pastorius (soundtrack). One of the greats, plagued by mental illness in his last years. Thinking of him always brings me to his collaboration with Joni Mitchell, particularly the double live album "Shadows and Light". Seems an appropriate side-step for LuLa, somehow.

Ah, well, the mind wanders. Back to the jokes...
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HSakols

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #429 on: February 26, 2017, 05:43:20 pm »

Yes, Shadows and Light was absolutely amazing!  I love Joni's expression when Jaco starts to steal the show, and of course Pat Matheny provides some jaw dropping riffs. 
Hugh
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #430 on: February 27, 2017, 08:17:21 am »

A group of hijackers stole a shipment of Viagra.

Police are on the lookout for a team of hardened criminals.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #431 on: February 27, 2017, 11:02:47 am »

 I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #432 on: February 27, 2017, 11:47:31 am »

How much does a hipster weigh?

An Instagram.  ;D
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Colorado David

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #433 on: February 27, 2017, 12:04:02 pm »

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the men,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #434 on: February 28, 2017, 03:49:46 am »

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #435 on: February 28, 2017, 02:03:05 pm »

How much does a hipster weigh?

An Instagram.  ;D

When I was young, Instagram was the local really efficient drug pusher.

Jeremy
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #436 on: March 01, 2017, 12:51:13 pm »

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

Patricia Sheley

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #437 on: March 02, 2017, 12:18:55 pm »

No NURSING HOME FOR me...
 
No nursing home for us.  We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
 For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves  $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
 $5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
 To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
  For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. 
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see  Hawaii?  They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything,  and apologize for the inconvenience.

 The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
 If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.     


                          And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.


  The grandkids can use the pool.
        What more could I ask for?
 
So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

   To all of  you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past,  this  email is especially for you......
SENIOR  CITIZENS   
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
 
HEARING  AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL  AIDS 

WALKING AIDS   

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT  AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,   

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not  forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)


 
I'm  only sending this to my 'old' friends.   
Iím always looking out for you.
 
 
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A common woman~

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #438 on: March 02, 2017, 02:30:39 pm »

A man, down on his luck, decided that there was a big market in pet snakes. So he bought some snakes, put them in an enclosure and waited for them to breed.

Nothing happened. He fed them, watered them, even sang romantic songs to them. But nothing. No slither of little snakes.

So he looked for advice and found someone who claimed to have relevant expertise.

"I see what the problem is", said the chap when he came. "You need to chop down that tree over there, cut up the trunk and the bigger branches - roughly, with your chainsaw, nothing special. Then make some tables out of the wood. That'll do the trick."

Sceptically, but feeling that he might was well give it a go, our hero did just that. And sure enough, in no time, he had more snakes than he could shake a stick at. He was delighted, of course, as his business took off, but still curious. So he rang the expert, expressed his gratitude and asked why on earth it worked.

"Well, it was easy really", he said." Your snakes are adders. And everyone knows, if you want adders to multiply, you need log tables."

Jeremy

(Best understood by those of us, like me, whose education pre-dates the advent of calculators.)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #439 on: March 02, 2017, 02:53:58 pm »

'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
   
'Is it common?'
   
'It's not unusual.'

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