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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235355 times)

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #400 on: February 02, 2017, 10:31:52 am »

Gosh, fellas. There must be something wrong with me. I'm totally American, but I understood it perfectly. I even had to read it to my American wife, who also found it hilarious.


Nonsense: you're forgetting the Scandinavian bits! Only Trump is totally American, in that he was issued, not born.

;-)

Rob

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #401 on: February 02, 2017, 10:33:22 am »

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions'.
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: ' Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'
Sharon : 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #402 on: February 07, 2017, 02:58:29 pm »

The Dead Horse

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said,

“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that.

I went and spent it already.”<<

Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me.

I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”<<<<<

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked,

“What happened with that dead horse?”

Donald said, “I raffled him off.

I sold 2,500 tickets at fifty dollars a piece

and made a profit of $124,950.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Donald said, “Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his fifty dollars back.” !!

Donald has just moved into the White House. !!


Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #403 on: February 11, 2017, 08:15:56 am »

A bloke walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know."
"So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #404 on: February 11, 2017, 08:34:11 am »

 Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #405 on: February 11, 2017, 04:58:47 pm »

The doctor tells his patient "You are in great health for a man of 80 years. Too bad you are only 40."
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #406 on: February 12, 2017, 04:08:49 am »

 Phone answering machine message: '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #407 on: February 12, 2017, 04:24:37 am »

I read an announcement about the opening of a new Air and Space Museum near where I live. There's going to be nothing in it.

Jeremy
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Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #408 on: February 12, 2017, 06:55:37 am »

A man walks into the local public library.
"A large portion of fish & chips, please".
The librarian says, "Excuse me, this is a library."
The man whispers, "Oh, sorry. A large portion of fish & chips, please"

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #409 on: February 12, 2017, 08:35:02 am »

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's room wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #410 on: February 12, 2017, 08:59:51 am »

During a passionate sex:

He: "I love you!"
She: "Deeper, deeper!"
He (in deep voice): "I love you!"

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #411 on: February 13, 2017, 06:59:48 am »

At the divorce of Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse, the judge says,

"Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can't grant your the divorce on the grounds that you say your wife Minnie is insane."

"Your honor", Micky squeaked, "I never said that Minnie was insane, I said 'she was f-ing Goofy!"
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #412 on: February 13, 2017, 07:11:05 am »

At the divorce of Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse, the judge says,

"Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can't grant your the divorce on the grounds that you say your wife Minnie is insane."

"Your honor", Micky squeaked, "I never said that Minnie was insane, I said 'she was f-ing Goofy!"

Very good one!

Rob

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #413 on: February 16, 2017, 04:02:06 am »


 A dog walks into a butcher shop with £10 in his mouth and a note saying:

 "10  lamb chops, please."


 Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in  the dog's mouth, and closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a   green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a  bus-stop.


The dog checks the timetable  and sits on the  bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front  and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog  takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push  the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.


The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the  step.

He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big  run,and  throws himself against the door. He does this again and  again.


No answer. So he jumps on the wall, walks around the  garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front  door.


Eventually a little guy opens it and starts cursing the dog .


"What the  hell are you doing?” the butcher says to the guy. “This dog's a genius!”

"Genius, my arse,” says the owner. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

     

     

     

 

 

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #414 on: February 16, 2017, 09:10:45 am »

My neighbour keeps playing his CDs really loud 'til daft o'clock in the morning. I'm really so upset. Just disconsolate.

jeremyrh

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #415 on: February 16, 2017, 01:16:29 pm »

Lady weightlifter goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I've taken so many steroids I've grown a cock"
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a cock."
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Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #416 on: February 17, 2017, 06:40:33 pm »

A local man has been shot with a starting pistol. Police say it's a race related shooting.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #417 on: February 18, 2017, 04:56:58 am »

 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't see any.

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #418 on: February 21, 2017, 07:28:21 am »

I purchased a decaffeinated coffee table.  I really can't tell the difference.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #419 on: February 21, 2017, 02:18:27 pm »

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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