A touch of humor

[PeterAit]

A priest and a rabbi, strangers, find themselves seatmates on a long flight. They strike up a conversation and soon feel right at home with each other. After a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, the priest asks the rabbi “Tell me, have you ever eaten bacon?”

“Yes,” the rabbi replies, “I tried it as a youth once, I am ashamed to say. It was quite tasty.”

A few minutes later, the rabbi asks the priest “Father, be honest, have you ever made love to a woman?”

The red-faced priest replies, “Once while at seminary I was tempted and succumbed.”

Says the rabbi, “It’s a lot better than bacon, isn’t it?”

[Rob C]

Old driver: "I'm speeding because I have to get to where I'm going before I forget where I'm going."

[PeterAit]

The Latin scholar sat down at the bar. "Barkeep," he said, "Please give me a dry martinus."

The barkeep replied "Do you mean a martini?"

"If I want more than one, I'll let you know."

[Rob C]

The Latin scholar sat down at the bar. "Barkeep," he said, "Please give me a dry martinus."

The barkeep replied "Do you mean a martini?"

"If I want more than one, I'll let you know."

Think of the confusion wrought by the movie character named Paparazzo. From a mere name it became a style of snapper, and its plural, as used to describe a snap of such snappers, also confuses to this day: should it be paparazzos or paparazzi? Guess it depends on which lingo one is using. Deep!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoNsKZrT0wo

Rob

[Eric Myrvaagnes]

Think of the confusion wrought by the movie character named Paparazzo. From a mere name it became a style of snapper, and its plural, as used to describe a snap of such snappers, also confuses to this day: should it be paparazzos or paparazzi? Guess it depends on which lingo one is using. Deep!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoNsKZrT0wo

Rob

And the Hebrew version might be Paparazzim.

[Rob C]

And the Hebrew version might be Paparazzim.

Now we are truly lost!

;-)

Rob

[PeterAit]

Milton Berle used to go to an old folks home once in a while to put on a little show and cheer up the residents. One time he noticed an old lady sitting all by herself and looking rather sad, so he decided to pay her some special attention. He went over to her.

"Hi," he said, "do you know who I am?"

"No," she replied, "but if you ask the nurse she'll tell you."

[Rob C]

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my  up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while  visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly  more gentle and accommodating.
 As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
 
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
 

[Rob C]

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

[Chairman Bill]

ATTENTION: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place ...

... it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", 34-23-34, about 8 stone, good cook too ... She'll be the one in the white dress.

[Rob C]

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about his wellies.
'Scuse me mate’ she says. ‘I ain't being funny or nuffink, but whys one of your wellies got an L on it and the uvas got an R?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So that's why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'

 

[Jeremy Roussak]

This one always reminds me of Life of Brian.

Jeremy

The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist...?" He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God."
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God."
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

[Rob C]

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a dress on the counter.
'I'll be back tomorror afternoon to pick it up.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'it's mayonnaise.'

[PeterAit]

Three men are trekking through the forest and come to a wide and dangerous river. One man prays, “God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees he now has a powerful swimmer’s physique. He jumps in and swims across the river.

The second man prays, “God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees a hammer, saw, and nails. He builds a boat and paddles across the river.

The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.

[Rob C]

Three men are trekking through the forest and come to a wide and dangerous river. One man prays, “God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees he now has a powerful swimmer’s physique. He jumps in and swims across the river.

The second man prays, “God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees a hammer, saw, and nails. He builds a boat and paddles across the river.

The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.

Now that would have got Mrs Clinton elected!

Rob C

[Rob C]

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash.
The paramedics arrive and drag her out and onto the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god’ shrieks Miss Essex, ‘I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

[PeterAit]

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash.
The paramedics arrive and drag her out and onto the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god’ shrieks Miss Essex, ‘I'm paralysed from the waist down!'

Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"

[Slobodan Blagojevic]

... The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.

That would be fake news. This is the real one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15725/The-real-reason-women-read-maps.html - The real reason women can't read maps 

[Jeremy Roussak]

Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"

Similar lines. See here.

Jeremy

[Eric Myrvaagnes]

Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"

So I guess it's because there isn't a region in the UK called "blond."