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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235285 times)

Ray

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #320 on: December 04, 2016, 09:40:23 pm »

Another example of visual humour. Don't forget to read the caption.  ;D

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jamesaz

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #321 on: December 05, 2016, 01:15:03 am »

Guy walks into a bar and sees a moose polishing glasses. The moose says "bet you never thought you'd see a moose tending bar". The guy says "I never thought the reindeer would sell the place".

A  Portuguese guy walks into a bar and he's got a 3 foot tall parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says " where'd you get that?" Parrot says "Portugal, there's millions of them"


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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Ray

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #322 on: December 05, 2016, 11:10:14 pm »

Well, I am surprised that no-one has praised my photo for its exquisite nature, great profundity, and quintessential example of street photography at its best.  ;D
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #323 on: December 06, 2016, 02:29:30 am »

I'm quite sure the ambiguity police are working on something right now :)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #324 on: December 06, 2016, 03:57:05 am »

        Scouse Vasectomy

        After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
        enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
        weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor
        and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
        The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
        would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
        was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
        hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

        The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
        but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
        to help me.'

        'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

        So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

        He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

        '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can

        between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


        This procedure also works in Scotland, Bradford,
        Huddersfield, Bolton, Blackburn, South Bristol, Cork

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #325 on: December 06, 2016, 04:08:44 am »

I must have heard this before but it lightened the start of my day :)

Not Essex though?
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pegelli

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #326 on: December 06, 2016, 04:19:05 am »

I heard something similar before, but in the context of explaining why all Belgian soldiers were castrated during hand-grenade training  ;)
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pieter, aka pegelli

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #327 on: December 06, 2016, 04:41:20 am »

I must have heard this before but it lightened the start of my day :)

Not Essex though?

What could it do for the girls? I don't know, though come to think of it...

;-)

Rob

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #328 on: December 06, 2016, 02:17:54 pm »

A bit of visual humor:

The last is wonderful.

Jeremy
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #329 on: December 07, 2016, 12:56:13 pm »

A mathematician and a philosopher are chatting in a nudist colony.
The philosopher says "Have you read Marx?".
The mathematician says "Yes. I think it's the wicker chairs".

Jeremy

(better spoken, of course)
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #330 on: December 07, 2016, 12:57:55 pm »

A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman says "Hey, we've a whisky named after you".
The horse says "You have a whisky called Eric?"

Jeremy
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #331 on: December 09, 2016, 04:57:40 am »

One from Woody Allen, I think.

Sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.

Jeremy
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #332 on: December 09, 2016, 06:31:43 am »

A new Marine Captain was assigned to a Para unit in a remote post in
the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the Para unit, he
noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Para Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous Para Sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 lean and
mean hairy arsed Para’s here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes
the men have "urges".
That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
with passion, he asks the Para Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he
asks the Sergeant, "Is that how your men do it?"

"No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town
where the girls are."
 

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #333 on: December 09, 2016, 08:30:36 am »

What happens when you misspell "astronomer"? You become a butt scientist.

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #334 on: December 09, 2016, 10:18:24 am »

David became dissatisfied with his Jewish religion and converted to Catholicism. He became so enamored of his new faith that he went to seminary and became a priest. He was an excellent student and was chosen to give the sermon at the graduation ceremony. After, the bishop took him aside. "David, your sermon was excellent. But may I suggest that you not refer to the audience as 'fellow goyim'?"
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Peter

"You are entitled to your own opinion but not your own facts" -- D.P. Moynihan

mediumcool

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #335 on: December 14, 2016, 01:04:48 am »

I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback.  On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? 
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."

That there is a Kiwi joke.
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #336 on: December 14, 2016, 06:48:06 am »

The Pope, being multilingual, is working on a crossword puzzle in English.

Stumped, he turns to one of the Cardinals and asks "Cardinal, can you please give me a four letter English word that can mean a type of woman and it must end in UNT."

The Cardinal thinks for a moment and replies "Your Holiness, the word you are looking for is "aunt'.

The Pope, pauses for a moment and then asks "do you have an eraser?"
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #337 on: December 14, 2016, 06:50:02 am »

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #338 on: December 14, 2016, 03:34:59 pm »

There's a nudist convention coming to Somerset in June. I might go if I've got nothing on.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #339 on: December 14, 2016, 04:14:55 pm »

There's a nudist convention coming to Somerset in June. I might go if I've got nothing on.


But be careful when you're there, Bill, and pay attention to this:

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Rob
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