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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235179 times)

eronald

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #300 on: November 22, 2016, 07:47:40 am »

And here is an article about a mansplaining hotline.

Luckily mansplaining is not yet a criminal offense or quite a few us would be in jail :)

Edmund
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #301 on: November 24, 2016, 04:49:48 am »

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.
One goes to get the food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich,
he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so
rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is
about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.
"Oh noooo!!" said the Lady, “He is doing good. Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends".

All the 3 Ladies fainted.... 😕😕😕

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #302 on: November 26, 2016, 02:26:22 pm »

Returned to my car last week to find a notice on the windscreen reading"parking fine". Which was nice.

Jeremy
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #303 on: November 26, 2016, 03:55:39 pm »

Just sold my homing pigeons on E-bay - for the 22nd time.

Rob

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #304 on: November 26, 2016, 04:20:52 pm »

Bloke goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the barman, "A pint for me and one for the road".

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #305 on: November 26, 2016, 04:25:49 pm »

I hear that they've started digging Fidel Castro's grave... Apparently it's a communist plot

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #306 on: November 26, 2016, 07:04:44 pm »

Bloke goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the barman, "A pint for me and one for the road".
I've got to steal that one for use with some of my road tar images, Bill!
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Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #307 on: November 27, 2016, 11:40:40 am »

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. Although I laugh slightly louder.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #308 on: November 30, 2016, 08:34:33 am »


    The teacher said, "Good Morning, Class, let's begin by reviewing some History. 

    Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from  Japan, who had his hand up:
    "Patrick Henry, 1775,"  he said. "Very good!

    Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
    Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

    Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
    Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
    Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

    She heard a loud whisper: "F*** the Japs."
    "Who said that? I want to know right now !" ...she angrily  demanded.
    Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
    The teacher glared at the class and asked, "All right! Now who said that?"

    Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
    Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
    Little Akio jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
    "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost mob hysteria reigning in the class, someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

    Little Akio frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

    The teacher fainted.
    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Crap, we are finished."

    Little Akio said quietly, "Americans, now Trump is elected.”

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #309 on: November 30, 2016, 09:34:33 am »

Fidel Castro: " I will not die until America is destroyed!"

Comrade Assistant: "America elects Trump as President."

Fidel Castro: "Well then... Adios."

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #310 on: November 30, 2016, 09:55:32 am »

The elderly woman called the police to report indecent exposure by the young man next door. When the officer arrived he looked around. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't see anything."

The woman replied "Of course not. You have to stand on that chair and use the binoculars."
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"You are entitled to your own opinion but not your own facts" -- D.P. Moynihan

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #311 on: November 30, 2016, 02:16:53 pm »

Orchestral musicians make jokes about viola players; the English joke about the Irish; and everyone jokes about blondes. My wife is a blonde, Irish viola player. She still finds these funny.

What's perfect pitch? Chucking a viola into a toilet without hitting the sides.

How do you tell the stage is level? The violas drool out of both sides of their mouths.

How do you get a viola to play pianissimo? Write "ff solo" above the notes.

Why do violas spend so much time in the streets? They've lost the key and don't know where to come in.

The viola was crying. She told the conductor "that nasty oboe untuned one of my strings".
"That's very bad of him" said the conductor, "but there's no need to cry about it."
"He won't tell me which one!"

Jeremy
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pegelli

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #312 on: November 30, 2016, 04:32:45 pm »

An airplane was about to crash and there were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachute packs.
The first passenger said: “I’m Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, I can’t afford to die”. So he took the first pack and jumped off the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said: “I am the newly elected US president and I will be the smartest president in US history so my people don’t want me to die”. He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy,: My son, I am old and haven’t got many years left, you have many more years left so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute”.
Then the little boy responded: “That’s OK your holiness, there’s still two parachutes left because the smartest US president took my schoolbag”.
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #313 on: December 01, 2016, 02:57:44 am »

It was parents' day at the local university and the Campus Guide
was showing a group of parents around the campus.

While they were walking by the Science building, a student ran
out dressed entirely in black, wearing a mask and brandishing a
sword.

One parent inquired about what she had just seen. "Wouldn't
someone running around dressed like that be a distraction to
the other students?" she asked.

"Well, yes, ordinarily," the Guide replied. "But we recently
adopted a Zorro Tolerance policy."
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owinthomas

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #314 on: December 01, 2016, 04:27:55 pm »

It could well be an actual Tim Vine joke. I can never remember where I hear these things.

Jeremy

Nope http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #315 on: December 02, 2016, 03:24:25 am »

An airplane was about to crash and there were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachute packs.
...

I first heard that told about Kissinger. It's probably even older.

Jeremy
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #316 on: December 02, 2016, 06:29:39 am »

I first heard that told about Kissinger. It's probably even older.

Jeremy

I think that joke has been told about pretty much every political person for the past 50+ years.  :)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #317 on: December 02, 2016, 08:02:42 am »

Some are just too good to die.

Rob

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #318 on: December 02, 2016, 08:23:25 am »

Some are just too good to die.

Rob
Like me, for instance.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #319 on: December 04, 2016, 09:06:01 pm »

A bit of visual humor:
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