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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 234992 times)

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #240 on: October 23, 2016, 01:08:36 pm »

A mate of mine has died today. He was photographing a steam train on the West Somerset Railway, tripped & fell under the train. On the plus side, it's the way he'd want to go, so I expect he was chuffed to bits.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #241 on: October 23, 2016, 01:12:02 pm »

A mate of mine has died today. He was photographing a steam train on the West Somerset Railway, tripped & fell under the train. On the plus side, it's the way he'd want to go, so I expect he was chuffed to bits.

And on similar lines, at the funeral of a friend of mine who had drowned, I brought a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It was what he would have wanted.

Jeremy
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RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #242 on: October 23, 2016, 04:08:54 pm »

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Russ Lewis  www.russ-lewis.com.

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #243 on: October 23, 2016, 04:10:14 pm »

Don't remember where I read this, but somebody said: "When I die I want to be buried in Chicago. I'd like to stay politically active."
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #244 on: October 24, 2016, 03:58:25 am »

Don't remember where I read this, but somebody said: "When I die I want to be buried in Chicago. I'd like to stay politically active."

Probably said by the same chap who observed that in Chicago, an honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.

Jeremy
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #245 on: October 24, 2016, 04:27:33 am »

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
           
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
           
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew overhead and I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
             
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit!"

"It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.

GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #246 on: October 24, 2016, 06:38:39 am »


"It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.

Ha, got me :)
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #247 on: October 24, 2016, 09:02:37 am »

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-Eric Myrvaagnes (visit my website: http://myrvaagnes.com)

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #248 on: October 24, 2016, 09:17:59 am »

Me three.
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Russ Lewis  www.russ-lewis.com.

Robert Roaldi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #249 on: October 24, 2016, 09:22:12 am »

An oldie that gets me every time.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #250 on: October 24, 2016, 09:42:26 am »

Our cross-dressing vicar had posted indecent images of himself on social media. Apprently he's been defrocked.

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #251 on: October 24, 2016, 09:46:14 am »

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #252 on: October 24, 2016, 09:59:25 am »

... "It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.

On that theme... how did Captain Hook die? Used the wrong hand to wipe his a$$.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #253 on: October 24, 2016, 03:35:18 pm »

I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.

I heard of a chap who died after drinking a pint of varnish. It was a dreadful end, but a lovely finish.

Jeremy
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #254 on: October 24, 2016, 03:36:39 pm »

Since we seem to have something of a pirate theme...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his trousers. The barman says "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?" and the pirate replies "Aaarr. It's driving me nuts".

Jeremy
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #255 on: October 25, 2016, 06:33:46 am »

Some people have stolen a truckload of Viagra
The police are looking for the hardened criminals.
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I shoot with a Camera Obscura with an optical device attached that refracts and transmits light.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #256 on: October 26, 2016, 02:11:52 pm »

Airport Body Scans Results



JUNE 2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening:

Terrorists Discovered .............................................      0

Transvestites .......................................................   133

Hernias ............................................................... 1,485

Haemorrhoid Cases ................................................ 3,172

Enlarged Prostates ................................................ 8,249

Breast Implants ....................................................59,350

Natural Blondes ....................................................       3

It was also discovered: 308 Politicians had no balls.

Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #257 on: October 26, 2016, 02:30:57 pm »

Airport Body Scans Results



JUNE 2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening:

Terrorists Discovered .............................................      0

Transvestites .......................................................   133

Hernias ............................................................... 1,485

Haemorrhoid Cases ................................................ 3,172

Enlarged Prostates ................................................ 8,249

Breast Implants ....................................................59,350

Natural Blondes ....................................................       3

It was also discovered: 308 Politicians had no balls.

<sigh...>

I bet when they add anal probes to full body screening, public uproar (or should I say "objections"?) will last just a couple of weeks, maximum.

And majority of complaints will be about TSA not using enough lub.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #258 on: November 11, 2016, 12:27:44 pm »

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________ _____________________
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________ ____________________
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________ ______________________
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #259 on: November 11, 2016, 12:35:45 pm »

...
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!

All are good, but this one grabbed my attention (pardon the pun). So true, it's scary.
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