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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235209 times)

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #200 on: July 26, 2016, 02:17:55 pm »

Dear Agony Aunt,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
 
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
 

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore!
 
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!


petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #201 on: July 26, 2016, 04:44:55 pm »

Dear Agony Aunt,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
 
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
 

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore!
 
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

Good one, but it's now been going on 16 years, this January, for the poor guy...

Peter

Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #202 on: July 27, 2016, 01:47:18 pm »

Not sure it belongs to this thread, but I personally do find it funny... ;)

I once heard an anecdote:

During a high-level meeting at an engineering company, everyone was staring, grimly, at the chart showing that their monthly revenue figures were going to sh!t -- lower every month for the whole last year. They didn't know how they could show something like that to the board...

Then a PhD present at the meeting said: "Primitive function of a non-negative function is an increasing function". When his less mathematically-savvy colleagues asked to explain what he meant, he said that instead of showing monthly figures they should show cumulative values. Voila, problem was "solved"!

What I do find funny is that every now and then I stumble upon an example of this "positive thinking" in real life. Just today Thom Hogan posted this upbeat report on his site:


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GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #203 on: August 04, 2016, 09:14:57 am »

Ah :-) While it's optimistic, at least it doesn't conflict with the dimensionality of the macroscopic world:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg
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PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #204 on: August 04, 2016, 10:22:53 am »

True story: when in Toronto a while back we went to a restaurant that specializes in Canadian oysters. Being curious I asked the server "Where do you get your oysters?" (as in Nova Scotia, British Columbia, etc). The answer?

"The oyster guy brings them."

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Peter

"You are entitled to your own opinion but not your own facts" -- D.P. Moynihan

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #205 on: August 04, 2016, 11:16:56 am »

True story: when in Toronto a while back we went to a restaurant that specializes in Canadian oysters. Being curious I asked the server "Where do you get your oysters?" (as in Nova Scotia, British Columbia, etc). The answer?

"The oyster guy brings them."

Technically that was the correct answer  ;D
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #206 on: August 04, 2016, 11:31:41 am »

Reminiscent of the current Captain Obvious commmercials.

For example;

"How did you sleep, Captain Obvious?"
"I close my eyes and it just happens."

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #207 on: August 04, 2016, 12:19:28 pm »

I don't think I ever saw those, but I am reminded of an exchange in a restaurant:


   "How did you find the steak, Sir?"

   "I just lifted up a chip* and there it was."


Jeremy

* French fry
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Peter McLennan

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #208 on: August 04, 2016, 02:57:49 pm »

When someone asks me how I slept, I usually answer "I don't know"
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Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #209 on: August 04, 2016, 04:31:37 pm »

Here we go, something to cheer us all up -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wgcA2J557Q
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wmchauncey

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #210 on: August 07, 2016, 11:03:25 am »

I just noticed this thread...did not realize that we had this many sick puppies.
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Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #211 on: August 09, 2016, 02:21:51 am »

Might be a wee bit late, but still...  ;)

EUROPEAN DIRECTIVE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five
year plan that would be known as Euro English".

In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C" . Sertainly, this will
make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "C" will be dropped in
favour of the letter "K". This should klear up konfusion and musik
keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
tiresome "PH" will be replaced with the "F". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also al wi agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the language
is disgrasful, and should be don away with.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH"
with "Z" and "W" with "V". During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "O" kan be
dropd from vords kontaning "OU" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evriven vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
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degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #212 on: August 09, 2016, 07:14:55 pm »

and then there is American......
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #213 on: September 07, 2016, 06:41:51 am »

I used to go out with an Agrophobic - Not very often though...
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GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #214 on: September 07, 2016, 06:46:54 am »

Well actually, for an agrophobic I think you'd just need to stay in town. An agoraphobic might be more complicated  ;)
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #215 on: September 13, 2016, 07:38:47 am »

A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in the entire zoo.
It's a shitzu.
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #216 on: September 13, 2016, 01:19:45 pm »

A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in the entire zoo.
It's a shitzu.

That one is improved if one adds ", a dog" after "zoo".

Jeremy
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schertz

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #217 on: September 13, 2016, 01:56:39 pm »

I was once at a restaurant with a colleague while at a conference and we both decided to order a steak (apparently, his family being vegetarian, he had never had one before). After I ordered one medium-rare, the sever asked how my friend would like it and he replied "hot".  :o The look on the server's face was priceless...

I don't think I ever saw those, but I am reminded of an exchange in a restaurant:


   "How did you find the steak, Sir?"

   "I just lifted up a chip* and there it was."


Jeremy

* French fry
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #218 on: September 13, 2016, 05:33:09 pm »

 You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....

 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and
 Mike had a date with Peggy Sue.
 He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
 
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she
 welcomed Mike in.
 
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?"
 she asked.

 "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite
 to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
 
 "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
 
 "Is that so?" asked Mike incredulous.
 
 "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd
 screw all night if we let her!"
 
 "Well, thanks for the tip," Mike said as he began thinking about alternate
 plans for the evening.
 
 "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
 
 Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
 and slammed the front door behind her.
 
 "It's the TWIST, Mom , The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
 "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!"

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #219 on: September 13, 2016, 08:02:47 pm »

Lord have mercy Rob, that one left me on the floor.
reminds me of a girlfriend i one had...
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