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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235191 times)

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #180 on: July 14, 2016, 01:28:58 pm »

Rob, that Taliban joke is phenomenally well put together (whoever the author is). I can almost hear the accents and see the characters. And I can envision a Monty Python skit based on that.

Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #181 on: July 14, 2016, 02:15:31 pm »

Rob, that Taliban joke is phenomenally well put together (whoever the author is). I can almost hear the accents and see the characters. And I can envision a Monty Python skit based on that.

It is also rather ancient.
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #182 on: July 16, 2016, 04:40:44 am »

Shame! Shame! Jeremy.

You're right, Russ. I forgot the German and the Turk.

Jeremy
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Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #183 on: July 16, 2016, 04:47:11 am »

You're right, Russ. I forgot the German and the Turk.

Jeremy

I should imagine they had other things on their mind.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #184 on: July 18, 2016, 04:15:22 am »

 
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes
from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,
by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."

I offered my opponents a deal:
"if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down
your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

 
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,
it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
That is a solution .....!!!

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #185 on: July 18, 2016, 04:17:28 am »

DARWIN POST (Last Tuesday), Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.

 
 Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin, with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement, Kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.

The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little $5. Dollar Reject shop walking stick with me, I would not be here today!

Just one Hard Wack to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....The' Croc  got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and I got the lot.

ps:- I luv that Croc
 
 
 

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #186 on: July 18, 2016, 10:28:27 am »

LOL.... ;D
That reminds me of a T shirt we were given in hazmat training. On the back it said " if you see me running.....keep up"
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Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #187 on: July 18, 2016, 11:04:36 am »

It's a variant on the one about the two friends hiking in the mountains. As they come round a bend in the path, they're confronted with a very angry looking grizzly bear. One bloke takes of his boots & starts putting on a pair of running shoes that were in his rucksack. His companion says, "Hey, you'll never out-run a grizzly", to which he replies, "I don't need to - I just need to out-run you."

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #188 on: July 23, 2016, 03:36:30 pm »


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mummy’, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’.
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘What colour was your hair two years ago?’
‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?’
‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an “F” in sex’

pegelli

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #189 on: July 23, 2016, 03:50:52 pm »

Since there is so much politics in other threads here:

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .
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pieter, aka pegelli

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #190 on: July 23, 2016, 04:33:48 pm »

Since there is so much politics in other threads here:

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .


Very clever!

Rob

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #191 on: July 23, 2016, 05:22:34 pm »

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
                 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
               
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
                 
Man: 'What sins?'
                 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
                 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
                 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #192 on: July 23, 2016, 08:14:55 pm »

... ‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an “F” in sex’

Rob C

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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #194 on: July 25, 2016, 10:07:13 am »

Those holes in the elevator's ceiling, Rob...what are they? An American (with a gun) being there before?  ;) Good skit, btw.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #195 on: July 25, 2016, 02:38:10 pm »

 The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath.
This “duel” would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”
The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #196 on: July 25, 2016, 03:16:45 pm »

The Israelis replied. ...

Heck, didn't see that coming! I was sure they would just all place huge bets on the Arabian dog...  :-[
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #197 on: July 26, 2016, 02:51:40 am »

My name is Sally and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist, when I noticed his diploma on the wall.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome young man with the same name, who
had been in my secondary school class forty something years before. Could
he be the same person who I had had a secret crush on all those years
ago? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly forgot any such thought. This
balding, grey haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to
have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Range Court
school.

"Yes, yes, I did," he said with pride.

"When did you leave to go to university?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1972. Why do you ask?"

"I think you were in my class at school" I replied.

He looked at me very closely. Then that bald, wrinkled, decrepit old
man, said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember you. What did you teach?"

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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #198 on: July 26, 2016, 04:33:53 am »

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a
high bridge, about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since
you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you,
how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and
wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........   See?  Suicide counseling works!
 

Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #199 on: July 26, 2016, 04:53:52 am »

What could be an accessory for a grip for Sony RX100m2?

When I was shopping for one a while ago, saw this on Sony's online shop page:
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