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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235238 times)

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #80 on: March 25, 2016, 06:54:54 am »

Why do brides wear white?

So they match the kitchen appliances.

Aren't most aprons white?  Makes sense.  :)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #81 on: March 26, 2016, 05:10:42 am »


Subject: FW: Life in the Circus


   
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
   
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
   
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
   
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computeskills."
   
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
   
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.
   
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
   
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
   

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #82 on: March 30, 2016, 05:54:16 am »



Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So ...they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
         
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
         
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . .
         
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
         
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
         
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
         
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
         
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
         
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #83 on: April 01, 2016, 04:35:51 am »



Political Correctness: the source.


Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz:

"Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?"
 
Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman:
 
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end"

...........................................

Now you have it; now you know!

Rob C

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #84 on: April 05, 2016, 04:04:04 am »

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

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GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #85 on: April 05, 2016, 04:49:42 am »

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

 :) :) :)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #86 on: April 21, 2016, 05:13:02 am »

    A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
    The Sergeant doing the interview says:
    "Your qualifications all look good,
    but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
    Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
    "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
    six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit"
    The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
    "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

 

mbaginy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #87 on: April 21, 2016, 06:20:34 am »

The local newspaper reported a series of accidents a number of years ago.

A fellow was renovating his apartment, wallpapering and painting.  He fell from the ladder and broke a wrist.  His wife phoned an ambulance which took his to the hospital for bandaging.  The same ambulance crew drove him home afterwards.

Meanwhile, his wife had cleaned up and had used turpentine, which she then poured into the toilet.  The first thing the fellow did when he arrived home was to go to the toilet, sit down and light a cigarette – throwing the match into the toilet.  Poof!!

His wife phoned for an ambulance again and, that same crew as in the morning came to the rescue.  While the fellow was being carried down some flights of stairs on a stretcher, he told the two medics what had happened.  They laughed so hard that they dropped the stretcher causing the poor fellow to fall off and break his other wrist!

A newspaper reporter described that guy’s plight more eloquent than I can and I wish I had saved the article.  I still chuckle when recalling how tough home renovation can be.  True Story, by the way.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #88 on: April 21, 2016, 10:07:29 am »

...

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #89 on: April 21, 2016, 10:24:55 am »

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #90 on: April 21, 2016, 10:36:28 am »

WW II was over and the people in a small Minnesota town were gathered in the park beneath the bandstand to hear Swen, a local boy, tell how he made his last two aircraft kills to become an ace.

Swen said: "I vas up above some broken clouds ven I seen two of dem fokkers below me, so I rolled over and hozed down da fokker on da left. He started smokin and I seen him bail out. Den I got in a Lufbery wid da other fokker. I tightened up my turn inside him until I could shoot, and as soon as I hit him dat fokker blew up."

The mayor, who was standing next to Swen said: "I probably ought to explain that the Fokker was a German airplane."

Swen grunted and said: "Vel, dat's true, but dem fokkers vas flying Messerschmitts."
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RSL

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #91 on: April 21, 2016, 10:56:35 am »

When Ben sat down next to Henry at the photo club meeting, Henry noticed that Ben had two black eyes.

"How the hell did that happen?" Henry asked, pointing at his friend's eyes.

"Well. . . I was at the Democratic caucus last night," Ben said. There was this hefty woman sitting in front of me. When she got up to speak I noticed that her skirt was caught in the crack of her butt and it looked like hell, so I reached out and gave her skirt a snap. For some reason she turned around and clobbered me in the eye."

"In both eyes?"

"Not that time," Ben said, holding his palm vertical, sideways and stiff, and making a forward chopping motion. "But I figured since that was the way she wanted it. . ."
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #92 on: April 21, 2016, 12:37:58 pm »

English teacher asks her young students to say a word and then use it in a sentence.

"Who want's to be first" she asked

Dirty Johnny (the kid with the dirty mind) raises his hand.  But the teacher is not having anything to do with this

"OK, Billy, you go first"

Billy stands up and says "beautiful.  My teacher is beautiful."

"Why thank you Billy, who is next?

Dirty Johnny is standing up pleading "pick me!"

Uh uh.  "Sally, why don't you go next"?

Sally stands up and says "wonderful.  My teacher is wonderful."

"Thank you Sally.  Who is next"?

Dirty Johnny is standing on his chair pleading "PICK ME!!"

With great trepidation, the teacher selects Dirty Johnny

Dirty Johnny stands up and says "Urinate!"

The teacher interrupts him and says '"why that word, Johnny?"

Dirty Johnny continues "Urinate.  But if you changed your hair style you would be a nine!"
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #93 on: April 21, 2016, 01:46:59 pm »

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #94 on: April 22, 2016, 01:16:19 pm »

Three women have reached the final interview stage for the [choose your potentially murderous intelligence organisation]. Each in turn is handed a loaded gun and told "Your husband is in room [A/B/C]. Take this gun. Kill him."

The first recoils in horror. "I can't do that!". She's out.

The second, looking nervous, takes the gun with obvious reluctance and goes into room B. She comes out a few moments later. "I just couldn't do it". She's out.

The third seizes the gun and strides purposefully to room C, shutting the door firmly behind her. A gunshot is heard, then another, then another. There is a pause, then the sounds of a struggle, with shouts, crashing furniture and splintering wood; then silence. A moment later, she reappears, slightly flushed and breathing heavily. "Bloody gun was loaded with blanks. Very funny. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #95 on: April 22, 2016, 02:11:45 pm »


I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #96 on: May 26, 2016, 09:57:33 am »

            CARP Canadian Association of Retired People
            Questions and Answers from CARP Forum:
           
Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
           
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
 "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
           
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
           
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
           
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
           
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
           
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
           
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
           
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

mbaginy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #97 on: May 26, 2016, 10:44:53 am »

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Darn, Rob.  That ain't funny, that's the truth!
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #98 on: May 26, 2016, 11:26:07 am »

I am actually looking forward to when my wife goes through menopause.  I understand that women in menopause have mood swings.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #99 on: May 26, 2016, 12:11:51 pm »

Darn, Rob.  That ain't funny, that's the truth!

Tell me about it; I recently recognized, with delight, a reintroduced 'retro' Bush radio that used to live in the studio... it was the ultimate in cool! Then. Late 1950s - mid 1960s. And apparently, again, now.

I think I will take the advice, buy a box of chocolates and go to the library.

Rob
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