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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235272 times)

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #60 on: February 25, 2016, 04:22:32 am »


Three mischievous old grannies were sitting
on a bench outside a nursing home, when an old grandpa walked by.

One of the grandmas yelled out, "Betcha we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man called back,"No you can't! There's no way you can guess exactly how old I am."

"Yes we can," one of the other grandmas answered. "Just drop your pants and your under shorts and we
can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed and a little puzzled, but keen to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

Then the grandmas told him to turn around several times and to jump up and down, so he did.
Then they all piped up at once and yelled, "You're 87 years old!" 

Standing with his pants around his ankles the old man asked, "How in the world did you guess?" 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies shouted in unison,
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
 
 
 

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #61 on: February 26, 2016, 04:24:28 pm »



            Subject: essex innit

            A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
            The hurricane decimated the area causing almost 30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
            Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
            Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
            The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.
            HOW CAN YOU HELP?
            This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
            Fila or Burberry baseball caps
            Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
            Shell suits (female)
            White stilettos
            White sport socks
            Rockport boots
            Any other items usually sold in Primark.
            Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
            Microwave meals
            Tins of baked beans
            KFC
            Ice cream
            Cans of Special Brew.
            22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
            2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
            5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
            **BREAKING NEWS**
            Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
            "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
            "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
            Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

 

Nelsonretreat

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #62 on: March 02, 2016, 01:59:21 pm »


            Subject: essex innit
            Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

This is Brilliant Mr C! There's no humour so funny as that based on ridiculing  social groups based on their 'inferiority' of education, their taste and their propensity for crime!
"Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal."

 I actually heard this joke in America years ago but the guy telling it used the 'N' word instead of Essex dwellers. I think yours is much funnier though!
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Kevin Gallagher

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #64 on: March 09, 2016, 10:19:37 am »

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Kevin in CT
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All Animals Are Equal But Some Are More Equal
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #65 on: March 09, 2016, 10:36:23 am »

        Subject: Wonderfully British....

        In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
        Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
        "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.  You set
        yourselves apart too much.  You think your stiff upper lip makes you
        above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm  me!  I have a little Italian
        in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.
        What do you say to that?"

        The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied,
        "How very sporting of your mother!"

Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #66 on: March 09, 2016, 01:41:00 pm »

They say it's a parody but I'm not so sure.....

www.zulualphakilo.com/
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #67 on: March 10, 2016, 06:52:45 am »

People claim that I am condescending.  That means that I talk down to people.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #69 on: March 11, 2016, 07:09:57 am »

This is Brilliant Mr C! There's no humour so funny as that based on ridiculing  social groups based on their 'inferiority' of education, their taste and their propensity for crime!

You know Nelson, I'm a vegan. I happen to believe that it's a morally correct lifestyle. However, I don't shout in the face of everyone I see eating a ham sandwich.
There are people who do this... usually they are in some sort of post-realisation shock "Oh my god! All these years I've been eating animals!" and there is a sort of converts' fervour that lasts for a few months. Some are like that forever, and usually they are more trying to make a point about themselves than anything else. In any case, as a strategy for reducing animal suffering it's pretty poor and usually just generates anger. Anger begets anger.

People who are close to me know my position, and sometimes that leads them to ask themselves questions, and sometimes their own beliefs and practices change. Some of them don't, yet they are decent people who make their choices in the context in which they live. I don't see them primarily as murderers of sensitive intelligent animals, we talk about other things. If they start to wax lyrical about last night's steak, I drop out of the conversation.

Do you get my point?
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #70 on: March 11, 2016, 10:30:04 am »

You'll be fine," the Surgeon said after finishing the young woman's surgery.  "But," she asked, "how long
will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek
from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having
their tonsils out".
     


Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #71 on: March 11, 2016, 11:00:46 am »

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #72 on: March 11, 2016, 11:55:12 am »

People claim that I am condescending.  That means that I talk down to people.


Shit happens when you're tall.

Rob C

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #73 on: March 12, 2016, 04:46:38 am »

Antenatal Classes.


The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man,
name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?
 
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensistivity just can't be taught. Just like photographic creativity, then.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #74 on: March 12, 2016, 04:53:08 am »

The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?
 
  Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
  days interesting.
 
  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
  into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
  out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
  said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
  ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
  tyres.
 
  So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
  it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
  ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
  more tickets he wrote.
 
  We didn't really care. We'd come into town by bus. We try to have a
  little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Jeremy
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #75 on: March 12, 2016, 10:00:44 am »

The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?
 
  Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
  days interesting.
 
  Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
  into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
  out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
  said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
  ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
  tyres.
 
  So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
  it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
  ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
  more tickets he wrote.
 
  We didn't really care. We'd come into town by bus. We try to have a
  little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Jeremy
As a fun-loving retired person, I really enjoyed this one.
Thanks, Jeremy!

Eric
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #76 on: March 20, 2016, 05:03:27 am »

Eric, I thought that by now you've prepared that form message, no?  :D

Maybe I'll just refer to it as Form Msg #372.5.    :D


A lone traveller was lost in the mountains. Cold, wet and hungry, he chanced upon an isolated monastery. He was warmly welcomed, given a room, a hot bath and a change of clothes and invited to join the monks at dinner.

After a good, simple meal, he was surprised when one of the monks stood up, said "72" and sat down, to a gale of laughter. A while later, another of the company repeated the exercise, saying "26" and receiving the same response.

He asked his neighbour what was going on. "We're a closed community. We've all been here for years. We have very no contact with the outside world. We have got to know each others' jokes really well, so to save time we have numbered them. All one of us has to do is to say the number: we can all think of the joke and enjoy it."

The traveller asks if he can join in, and is told that of course he can. He gets to his feet, thinks for a moment and says "127".

There are two punchlines.

   The room dissolves into uncontrollable hysterics because "we've never heard that one before".

or

   There is a deathly silence because "you told it very badly".

I once worked for a consultant who had a number of pet dislikes (of routine practices, of course, such as giving blood to an anaemic patient). I suggested he could number them, so when on a ward round we came across one of the hates, he could give the number and we could all nod sagely and move on, saving a few minutes at each bedside. He didn't warm to the idea, oddly.

Jeremy
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #77 on: March 20, 2016, 09:18:18 am »

Form msg 35.

No! Form msg 93!

 ;)
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #78 on: March 22, 2016, 05:31:54 pm »

...

Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #79 on: March 24, 2016, 06:41:49 pm »

Why do brides wear white?

So they match the kitchen appliances.
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