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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235338 times)

Chris Kern

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1200 on: April 30, 2020, 06:22:16 pm »

I've got the vaccine. Seems to be working well, just the one side-effect. If you see me, please don't throw a stick

I suspect you're barking up the wrong tree with that drug.

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1201 on: May 01, 2020, 01:52:44 am »

...

LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1202 on: May 01, 2020, 02:21:08 am »

Good one. But the title should be replaced with "Planned Adventures for 2020".
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William Walker

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1203 on: May 01, 2020, 06:36:31 am »

Golf fans should recognise the voice...

"One sportscaster in the United Kingdom shares his latest coronavirus quarantine play-by-play featuring a walk to a nearby watering hole with his two dogs."

https://youtu.be/m1P-y3FocGs
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Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1204 on: May 01, 2020, 08:02:24 am »

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1205 on: May 01, 2020, 09:24:25 am »

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Beautiful!

Incorrigible maleness.

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1206 on: May 01, 2020, 12:05:14 pm »

Beautiful!

Incorrigible maleness.
+1.
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-Eric Myrvaagnes (visit my website: http://myrvaagnes.com)

JoeKitchen

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1207 on: May 01, 2020, 12:27:42 pm »

If only it did not ring so true. 
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JoeKitchen

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1209 on: May 01, 2020, 03:56:53 pm »

Newest political ad!
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Robert Roaldi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1210 on: May 03, 2020, 08:42:46 am »

Human fountains, .
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Robert

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1211 on: May 03, 2020, 10:38:11 am »

Her husband came home late with lipstick on his collar.
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Peter

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JoeKitchen

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1212 on: May 03, 2020, 08:04:45 pm »

Her husband came home late with lipstick on his collar.

New hair-do after divorce then? 
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JoeKitchen

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1213 on: May 03, 2020, 08:17:29 pm »

Bring on May! 
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"Photography is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent

Redcrown

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1214 on: May 04, 2020, 02:41:26 pm »

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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1215 on: May 05, 2020, 07:31:15 am »

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky restaurant.

Did you smell that food she asked. Its smells absolutely incredible.

Being a kind-hearted Scot he thought What the hell I’ll treat her.

So they walked past it again.

Jeremy Roussak

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1216 on: May 05, 2020, 08:06:09 am »

Max receives a text message.

Quote
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse but the temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards

Richard

Furious and feeling betrayed, Max grabs his gun, goes next door and shoots Richard dead. He returns home and shoots his wife dead, then pours himself a stiff drink and sits down to recover. He looks at his phone to find a second text message from Richard.

Quote
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo in my last text: I see that damn spell-checker changed "wi-fi" to "wife"! Technology, eh? It'll be the death of us all.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1217 on: May 05, 2020, 08:13:40 am »

Jeremy, the opposite (sans shootings) happened to me in real life. I was typing a response to someone texting me:

"I do not have a good wifi..."

When the autocorrect changed that into:

"I do not have a good wife"

Which got me wondering... how did they know?

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1218 on: May 05, 2020, 11:05:11 am »

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to the guy next to me,

“Isn’t the bride a right ugly dog.”

“Do you mind, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”

“I’m not, I’m her fucking mother.”

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1219 on: May 05, 2020, 11:06:42 am »

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police and says:

“Bejesas! I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”

The operator asks: “Is it tickin?”

Paddy says: “No, I tink it’s beef.”
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