What I want to know is how the hell some of y'all stand multi-day cricket matches. 
. Actually, maybe someone could explain cricket to me in general. For the life of me I can't figure it out, even after reading up on it.
Just like baseball: one guy has a bat and the other throws a ball. When the guy with the ball throws it (without lifting his leg up like a dog about to charm a tree, therefore unlike the baseball stance) the one with the stick thing is supposed to hit it - the ball - as far away from himself as he can and run like hell towards his opposite number at the end of the little regulation path, hopefully, without bumping into him. The poor chap at that other end also has to run along the path towards his partner's wicket (three erect, longer sticks bearing two shorter, horizontal ones above) and if they can only run that run once, it becomes his turn to face the madman with the hard ball. You can understand that cricket provides much incentive to run fast. The more often they can run the better, because each completed run counts as, well, a run, logically enough. Bear in mind that the running is more difficult than it need be, for both men with bats are handicapped with guards, both on their legs and inside their pants. Imagine running trussed like a Christmas turkey! You can make four runs if you hit the ball so that it runs along the lawn and hits the boundary and makes a tiny leap of delight as it stops at the edge, or be awarded six runs if you hit the ball so hard you knock it clean out of the field, much like a home run, I suppose. You also get clapped for your pains.
Whilst these two are running, the side (in the sense of team) that uses the ball instead of the bat thing, has a choice of action: it can catch the ball right off the bat, or throw it at the three little sticks with the two smaller ones above them. Trying to achieve that aim is how the game is started off, unless you count the flipping of a coin of the realm as a vital first step. As the batter is trying to hit the ball unto eternity, he is also trying to guard that set of sticks erected behind him, called the wicket, from being uprooted by said ball, which is more easily said than done, because if he stands awkwardly and the ball hits his leg, he can be accused of being leg before wicket, which can be quite insulting at times, depending how you look at it. That's pretty much a mortal sin, and you get hoofed away in shame.
If they, the people with the ball, can throw the ball as the bat people are running and hit the sticks so that one of the top ones falls down (and this is important, so pay attention: it only counts if the guy who is running towards those sticks is not close enough to them to be in, in which case he is out) then the guy with the bat is dismissed, out, gone. Alternatively, if the guy with the bat hits the ball dangerously hard and it flies up in the air threatening one of the other chaps spread around the field, the one threatened is at liberty to catch that ball (I told you it was dangerous) and the guy who hit it is out, just as if one of the small sticks on top of the three longer ones had fallen to the ground. Unfairly, for a gentleman's game, the team with the bats is only allowed to play two players at a time, whereas the other team usually employs eleven at a time. Hence the concept of the uneven playing field, another fine thing that the British Empire has donated to the world.
If throwing the ball at those sticks is done well, it curves right past the chap with the bat and knocks them down, at which point the one with the bat is supposed to turn around in disbelief, pause, adjust the strap of his helmet, put the bat under his arm and walk, with whatever dignity he can summon, right back to the pavillion, often no more than a hut, but a pavillion nonetheless. He may then have a cup of tea. Sometimes, when the two batters, as they are called, are running, one may start to run and the other hesitate or not run at all. In that case, one of them is said to be run out when the ball people send the wickets flying.
Following me so far? Fine! This process of attrition continues until the people with the bats have no more fresh, unused players left in the pavillion whom they can convince to hold a bat. The number of times they have collectively been able to complete the race up the regulation path is counted and that becomes their score.
Then they all depart the lawn and a man weating a floppy hat and carrying several jerseys waddles away too, possibly for a pee. He is called an umpire, and his job is to be a sort of referee. He stands at the end of the path along which the two with bats have to run, but thankfully, because of his age, he usually does his standing at the end towards which the ball is not being bowled. Oh, did I forget to mention it? The person called the bowler is only allowed to throw the ball with one prescribed arm movement, not just in any old way. He is also not permitted to do unusual things with his ball, which would be called ball tampering, and could get him put out of the game for several seasons (years).
After a few minutes, the game starts anew with the ball people taking the part of the former bat people.
When they have all been sent back to the pavillion their total nmber of runs is counted, and the team with the higher number wins. It, "playing the game", is considered one of the four cornerstones of fine character building, and holding the bat straight is thought a good sign of things to come.
All countries should play this game.
