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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 235006 times)

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #220 on: September 29, 2016, 04:51:52 pm »

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: "Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realises
that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This
time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with
the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert
notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which
they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backwards.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's
decomposing."
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #221 on: September 29, 2016, 07:45:05 pm »

Ouch!   :D
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #222 on: October 05, 2016, 02:38:47 pm »

Non brits will get the drift despite the odd words used.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I
want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me
old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I
want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of
the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah.

"Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all
the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . .

sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish"
God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more
specific Noah, I want Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies.

"OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check" "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Check" "And
you want it full of Carp?" "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed
Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

**Incidentally I take no credit for any of these I steal them from this guy Squiffy's House of Fun  -  Squffy with his consent and my donation.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #223 on: October 14, 2016, 09:20:24 am »

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point, the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #224 on: October 15, 2016, 04:29:48 am »

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #225 on: October 20, 2016, 04:17:42 am »

A British Political One:


Mr Corbyn was visiting a London Primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Corbyn if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “Tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of “Tragedy”.

A little boy stood up and offered “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy”.

“Incorrect” said Corbyn. “That would be an accident”.
A little girl raised her hand “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy”.

“I’m afraid not” explained Corbyn: “That’s what we would refer to as a great loss”.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Corbyn searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy ?”

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said “If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls, Mrs Harman and all the other Labour Party members was struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy”.

“Fantastic” exclaimed Corbyn, “ and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy ?”

“Well” said Johnny, “ it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a bloody accident either”.
 

mbaginy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #226 on: October 20, 2016, 04:38:01 am »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq_ZosSy_9I&app=desktop

Rob
Rob, this is the first time I've smiled during those three debates.  Thanks for that link!
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #227 on: October 20, 2016, 08:09:49 am »

Rob, this is the first time I've smiled during those three debates.  Thanks for that link!


I couldn't let myself watch the Love in Las Vegas episode, and my tv conspired to help by blowing the satellite cable booster box and forcing me, this morning, to pull out the unit housing a lot of books etc. in order to disconnect the damned thing and prepare to take it to the shop later today and buy a replcment booster unit. I made a couple of masking tape tickets which I stuck to the cables, so I hope to be able to reconnect it all without further trouble, or at least without having to pony up for a call-out charge as well as the repairs! Boy, these shops think of everything with which to pad an invoice.

Anyway, a word on Mr Turmp:

Hillary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.
Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:

370HSSV 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his wife and children.
Neither she nor the children had any clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA.
They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply:
"Tell Mr Trump that he's holding the message upside down."

Rob

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #228 on: October 21, 2016, 11:02:12 am »

Brilliant !  ;)
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #229 on: October 21, 2016, 11:26:29 am »

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Patricia Sheley

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A common woman~

mbaginy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #231 on: October 21, 2016, 01:28:50 pm »

Rob, that's brilliant!

Patricia, it was only a matter of time until Weird Al got into the act.  Enjoyable!  As for Trump, I wish they were coming to take him away...
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #232 on: October 21, 2016, 03:45:31 pm »

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.”  "The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,  "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded.  "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the fookken skippin."


Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #233 on: October 21, 2016, 06:03:59 pm »

Beautiful, Rob.

At first, I thought that plan might work for me, but since my sense of balance is getting a bit off (even when I'm sober), I think I'd best leave out the skippin.   ;)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #234 on: October 22, 2016, 04:25:10 am »

Beautiful, Rob.

At first, I thought that plan might work for me, but since my sense of balance is getting a bit off (even when I'm sober), I think I'd best leave out the skippin.   ;)


Eric, as people can cycle lying on their backs on the sitting room carpet, surely skippin' can't be that more difficult? Of course, you'd probably have to do it from the elbows outwards, so that could raise difficulties, if not only the hips. I must try it one evening if the computer lets me go.

Rob

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #235 on: October 22, 2016, 08:00:01 am »


Eric, as people can cycle lying on their backs on the sitting room carpet, surely skippin' can't be that more difficult? Of course, you'd probably have to do it from the elbows outwards, so that could raise difficulties, if not only the hips. I must try it one evening if the computer lets me go.

Rob
Do film your attempts and post them here.

Eric
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #236 on: October 22, 2016, 08:48:12 am »

Do film your attempts and post them here.

Eric


What??? And ruin my carefully-crafted image as twenty-five-year-old 007? Never!

;-)

James Bo Rob

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #237 on: October 22, 2016, 09:00:22 am »

I'm planning a camping holiday but I'm not impressed with my travel insurance.
It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

When I was at school, my maths teacher said I was average ... I think that was mean.

A friend of mine runs a fish shop. He's growing a herb garden out the back, so next year there will be a thyme and a plaice for everything.

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #238 on: October 22, 2016, 10:25:24 am »

Very pungent, Bill.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #239 on: October 22, 2016, 11:19:23 am »

Good ones, Bill!

Rob
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