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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 193333 times)

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #660 on: August 10, 2018, 03:42:12 am »

Health Advice


Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you feel stressed at times?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to
do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost
immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire
to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare,
and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can
sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many
people as you feel may benefit!
Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or
Merlot..
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #661 on: August 10, 2018, 08:24:52 am »

My brother lives by those words, Rob. He could have written them.
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #662 on: August 10, 2018, 10:44:48 am »

My brother lives by those words, Rob. He could have written them.

Can we be sure he did not?

Rob

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #663 on: August 10, 2018, 11:51:30 am »

Can we be sure he did not?

Rob
Nope!   :D
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #664 on: August 11, 2018, 04:53:06 am »

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder.....Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a fucking priest in heaven!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a fucking LAWYER!

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #665 on: August 11, 2018, 10:04:11 am »

There's a new miracle drug that helps you stop worrying about politics, climate, terrorism, your job, and everything else. Ask your doctor. It's called Fukitol.
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Peter
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #666 on: August 11, 2018, 12:44:32 pm »

There's a new miracle drug that helps you stop worrying about politics, climate, terrorism, your job, and everything else. Ask your doctor. It's called Fukitol.

Bloody hell! I've been using it to spray the mosquitos!

Rob

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #667 on: August 11, 2018, 12:48:27 pm »

Re Rob's Catholic joke... my understanding of Catholicism, however rudimentary, is that divorce is not allowed, short of some very high authority (a Cardinal?) specifically approving it. The same is reflected in the "till death do us part."

It used to be the same with cars. Cars and marital relationships... a lot of similarities. Most people, apart from the rich, used to drive them to the ground (cars). Not any more. First, as we got better off, there was a second car in the family (or mistress, if you didn't catch my drift). Then there was leasing, you get a much more expensive car than you could otherwise afford. Over the years, you would drive multiple cars. Or drive (nuts) multiple spouses.

And then there is Uber: with a few clicks on the phone, you get the nearest stranger who is willing to let you ride them (pardon the pun).

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #668 on: August 11, 2018, 01:04:16 pm »

Re Rob's Catholic joke... my understanding of Catholicism, however rudimentary, is that divorce is not allowed, short of some very high authority (a Cardinal?) specifically approving it. The same is reflected in the "till death do us part."

It used to be the same with cars. Cars and marital relationships... a lot of similarities. Most people, apart from the rich, used to drive them to the ground (cars). Not any more. First, as we got better off, there was a second car in the family (or mistress, if you didn't catch my drift). Then there was leasing, you get a much more expensive car than you could otherwise afford. Over the years, you would drive multiple cars. Or drive (nuts) multiple spouses.

And then there is Uber: with a few clicks on the phone, you get the nearest stranger who is willing to let you ride them (pardon the pun).

Hence the need for the lawyer...

Leasing can get you into very hot legal waters, Slobodan; it can open you up to blackmail and Soviet-style hotel room recordings. Even a freebie can end up costing you the Earth.

Some say it's better by bus. Which puts me in mind of those magazines that used to feature reader' wives. I think they were loss-leaders; the magazines - I suspect people were expected to steal them, not buy them. Have you noticed the number of exceptionally tall, strange-looking children that seem to hover around the magazine stands in railway stations etc.?
« Last Edit: August 11, 2018, 01:10:18 pm by Rob C »
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #669 on: August 17, 2018, 04:03:31 am »

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
 
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
 
TheLaughFa...335  148
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
 
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
 
 
 

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #670 on: August 18, 2018, 10:53:41 am »

For his first visit to a big city, the Texas hick goes to visit his New York City cousin.He is quite impressed by the tall buildings, the hustle and bustle, and the hot dog vendors. But he is thrown when he sees an orthodox Hasidic Jew in the traditional garb of black suit, white shirt, large beard, sidelocks, and a prayer shawl. "Cuzzin," he asks, "what is that?"

The cousin replies "Hasidim."

"Well, ah seed him too, but what IS it?"
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #671 on: August 19, 2018, 04:24:08 pm »

...

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #672 on: August 19, 2018, 04:45:56 pm »

She will instantly suspect the worst, even if you are innocent.

Be natural - if you don't love her, why did you pick her? Trying a little tenderness does not equate with flirting.

I should charge for this stuff, just like bloody Garry!

:-)

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #673 on: August 19, 2018, 05:19:22 pm »

She will instantly suspect the worst, even if you are innocent.

Be natural - if you don't love her, why did you pick her? Trying a little tenderness does not equate with flirting.


If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.
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Peter
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petermfiore

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #674 on: August 20, 2018, 07:07:00 am »

If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.

At least you'll be in the arena...

Peter

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #675 on: August 20, 2018, 10:01:51 am »

At least you'll be in the arena...

Peter


So were the Christians...

;-)

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #676 on: August 20, 2018, 10:04:39 am »

If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.


And strike whilst the iron's hot?

;-)

PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #677 on: August 20, 2018, 12:09:23 pm »

Three Europeans are lost in the desert and out of water.

The Englishman says "I am so thirsty, I must have tea."

The German says "I am so thirsty, I must have beer."

The Jew says "I am so thirsty, I must have diabetes."
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #678 on: August 20, 2018, 07:53:03 pm »

Ten-year-old boy says, "I prayed and prayed for a new bike, and nothing happened. Finally the minister told me God never answers selfish or greedy prayers.

"So I stole a bike and asked God to forgive me. And that worked."

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #679 on: August 21, 2018, 04:31:40 am »

An attorney arrived home very,very late, after an extremely tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a Death Row client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and thoroughly depressed.

But, as soon as he walked through the door his wife started on at him with: 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he  poured himself a large shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

A while later the phone rang. The wife answered and was asked to pass on the message that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. He was not to be hanged.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she ran upstairs to give him the good news. On opening the bathroom door she found  her husband was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she exclaimed.

Whirling round he yelled: 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,  DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

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