I hate to underexpose due to all the noise, but I am otherwise getting 98% blurry shots!!! Am I being unrealistic to think that any camera can capture this stuff?
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There's a reason there's a Tv-pri mode on your camera. It is *THE* low-light AE mode, IMO, even though it is not very popular. In most informal forum surveys, most people say they use Av and M - one more than the other. I don't see Av as being very useful in low light, unless you're on a tripod and your subject is still.
I use Tv-pri hand-held in low light with my 20D at ISO 1600 (3200 is fake and doesn't help if you're shooting RAW; I don't know about the 5D), and just let the images under-expose as they might. Depending on what you're going to do with the images, pushes to 6400 are quite useable. I've pushed images up into ISOs in the millions, hand-converting from RAW, and binning the results, and the random noise reduces at the smaller sizes, but the one thing left is mostly horizontal and slight vertical "banding". Banding does not decrease relative to the signal as you bin (or downsample) because it only exists in one dimension, rather than reduce like random noise does. There is no reason why an intelligent algorithm couldn't remove most of the banding, but RAW converters seem content with their current limitations.
I've removed banding myself, but I have to use a mixture of software; lots of saving, loading, layering, resizing etc. It would be nice to have RAW converter that allowed for pattern noise to be removed before conversion, but after promotion to 16-bit linear. It is my opinion that most of the subjective noise in the shadows of RAW files from recent Canon cameras is the banding, even if it is not blatantly banded. The banding creates troughs and crests as wide or tall as the image, upon which the random noise is pushed up or down, and when both go down or both go up, you get a broken grid pattern, which the brain locks into and fails to ignore to the degree it can ignore purely random noise, which is actually quite nice looking in moderation, IMO. No amount of pattern noise looks nice.