The camera you're looking for has been widely discussed on a lot of forums, but does not yet exist AFIK.
The problems are several: you can get most of it, if you accept bulk -- especially a protruding lens. If you can't have bulk, then you can't have some of the other stuff. Somebody mentioned the Epson R-D1, which I have, and it's too big; bigger, with lens attached, than a digital Rebel. So here are three suggestions:
1. Carry a digital Rebel with a body cap, and one of your zooms separately. That'll give you everything you need, if you can find a place to stash the lens.
2. A Pentax Optio 750z. A terrific little camera with a optical view finder, a live twistable LCD (which could be handy in the Army) a 5x zoom and a 7mp chip. The lens retracts, so it's got a flat form, but it is a couple of inches thick. Downside: doesn't do RAW. Does TIFF and a variety of .jpgs.
3. Do what somebody else suggested, and get a 35mm film camera and print out a bunch of order forms from Dwayne's. Shoot it, drop it in the mail, order the Photo CDs with it. You can still push color film to 3200 with less grain than you'll get from small chips at anything close to that speed; and at the other end, a good Canon point'n'shoot film camera loaded with Kodachrome will will match your small-chip slow-speed stuff. And 35mm Canon p&s's are cheap and reliable. Downside: film and x-ray machines if you're going to be traveling a lot.
Bottom line: If I were you, I'd look at the Pentax