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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 75596 times)

kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #500 on: June 27, 2017, 03:27:10 AM »



Jeremy
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kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #501 on: July 03, 2017, 01:45:50 PM »

Re-majestification

If only they knew about the Clarity and Vibrance sliders...

Jeremy
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #502 on: July 03, 2017, 03:49:42 PM »

Re-majestification

If only they knew about the Clarity and Vibrance sliders...

Jeremy
Thanks for that link, Jeremy!
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-Eric Myrvaagnes    (A sampler of my new book is on my website.)
http://myrvaagnes.com  Visit my photo website (Server is back up). New images each season. Also visit my new website: http://ericneedsakidney.org

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #503 on: July 08, 2017, 03:59:58 AM »

BREAKING NEWS !!

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

...Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.😂✍

Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #504 on: July 08, 2017, 09:11:51 AM »

Thanks for the warning, Rob. I will be certain to pack my slide rule in my checked baggage next time I travel by air (he says with a sly drool.)
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-Eric Myrvaagnes    (A sampler of my new book is on my website.)
http://myrvaagnes.com  Visit my photo website (Server is back up). New images each season. Also visit my new website: http://ericneedsakidney.org

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #505 on: July 08, 2017, 09:24:44 AM »

Thanks for the warning, Rob. I will be certain to pack my slide rule in my checked baggage next time I travel by air (he says with a sly drool.)

I suspect it was the ruler that gave him away: a rule would have passed through X-Ray without any suspicion.

(Don't we pedants have fun?)

;-)

Rob

kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #506 on: July 24, 2017, 03:52:47 AM »

A woman is walking home when she passes a pet shop and notices a rather magnificent parrot for sale. She goes in to ask the price.

"£20", she is told.
"That's very cheap for such a wonderful-looking bird."
"Ah, but you need to know something about it. It used to live in a brothel, and it's picked up some rather, er, interesting vocabulary."

She dithers for a while, but she's always wanted a parrot and the opportunity is too good to miss, so she buys it and takes it home. She puts the cage on the table in the living room and removes the covering cloth.

The parrot looks round the room. "New house, very nice" it says.

It looks at her. "New house, new madam, very nice."

She calls her daughters. "New house, new madam, new girls, very nice indeed.".

She calls her husband. "Hello, Keith."

Jeremy
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JNB_Rare

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #507 on: August 08, 2017, 12:30:54 PM »

Church Aisle Monitor

JNB_Rare

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #508 on: August 08, 2017, 12:32:11 PM »

The Nuns Warned Him, Too...

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #509 on: August 08, 2017, 01:03:13 PM »

I've been getting in touch with the inner me. Bloody cheap toilet paper.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #510 on: August 11, 2017, 02:55:21 PM »

Involuntary Muscle Contraction


Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject, and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'


She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.


PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #511 on: August 15, 2017, 10:58:59 AM »

In Nevada, where prostitution is legal, a group of the ladies has united to oppose the Republican senators and representatives who are trying to repeal Obamacare. I am not sure whom to support. On the one hand, you have unethical and immoral people who will do anything to please the men who give them money. On the other hand you have hookers.
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Peter
"Photographic technique should always be a means to an end and never the end itself."

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #512 on: August 15, 2017, 11:20:01 AM »

My wife's been away for a week. I said to her last night, "I'm can make you scream with just one finger." She looked impressed and said, "Go on then." So I poked her in the eye.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #513 on: August 18, 2017, 02:57:24 PM »



Recently, I was asked to play in a charity golf tournament.

Initially I said, “No...I don’t think so.”

Then, they said “Come on.... it’s for handicapped and blind kids.”

And I got to thinking...."Holy mackerel, I could win this fucking thing!"

Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #514 on: August 21, 2017, 06:57:16 AM »

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I shoot with a Camera Obscura with an optical device attached that refracts and transmits light.

Chairman Bill

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #515 on: August 21, 2017, 11:56:51 AM »

If you're ever having a tea party for chimpanzees, it's useful to know that you can use spaghetti hoops in place of alphabetti spaghetti

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #516 on: August 23, 2017, 03:35:36 AM »

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'



Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #517 on: August 23, 2017, 06:43:17 AM »

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just gathering dust
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LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #518 on: August 26, 2017, 11:40:01 PM »

As seen on Twitter:

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #519 on: August 29, 2017, 03:53:28 AM »

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND  APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN  REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE  SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP  SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD WRITES SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN  SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THE YELLOW ROAD WARNING SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE  DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
 
 
 
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