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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 95735 times)

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #480 on: April 03, 2017, 10:35:59 AM »

shouldn't be too hard to trump that. Just give it a week.  ;)
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PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #481 on: April 03, 2017, 11:06:07 AM »

shouldn't be too hard to trump that. Just give it a week.  ;)

"Trump?" Hmm, double meaning here!
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Peter
"Photographic technique should always be a means to an end and never the end itself."

kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #482 on: April 03, 2017, 03:06:24 PM »

After that, there's hardly any point to keeping this thread running: you can't top it.

Really? It's vaguely amusing, but no more than that, and not particularly original.

So I think we should keep trying to amuse each other.

A young novice monk is invited to tea at the local convent. His walk there takes him through one of the less salubrious areas of the town.

One of the denizens accosts him: "Fancy a quickie? Only ten pounds." He has no idea what she means, so smiles benevolently and walks on.

Soon, another girl says "Ten pounds for a quickie?", and he responds in the same way.

This happens several more times before, with some relief and increasing embarrassment and curiosity, he reaches his destination. Half way through tea, he plucks up the courage to satisfy his curiosity and asks "Mother, what's a quickie?".

"Ten quid" says the Mother Superior. "Same as in town."

Jeremy
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Redcrown

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #483 on: April 03, 2017, 05:32:41 PM »

I agree, and am growing tired of all things Trump. Consider that Bush gave more long term employment to comedians than any president in history.

A shop steward is at a convention in Paris and decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?” “No, it’s not,” she replies. “So how much do the girls earn?” the union man asks. “You pay me $100 and the girl gets $20.” “That’s crass exploitation!” the man says and stomps out.

Eventually, he finds a brothel where the madam says it’s a union house. “If I pay you $100, how much does the girl get?” he asks. “She gets $80.” “That’s great!” he says. “I’d like Collette.” “I’m sure you would,” says the madam, "but Ethel here has seniority.”
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #484 on: April 22, 2017, 10:37:19 AM »

I am a good man...
« Last Edit: April 22, 2017, 11:08:54 AM by Slobodan Blagojevic »
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #485 on: April 23, 2017, 01:18:35 PM »

Substitute for your favorite poison:

kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #486 on: April 25, 2017, 03:30:28 AM »



The image text reads "I guess it's also the right setting for pictures of the Moon at night".

Jeremy
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EricV

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #487 on: April 26, 2017, 12:57:53 PM »

I was once at an observatory, looking at the moon through a public telescope, when a woman put her camera to the telescope eyepiece, to take a picture of the moon through the telescope.  It was at night, so she made sure to turn on her flash.
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LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #488 on: April 26, 2017, 02:57:29 PM »

About twelve years ago, I visited an Open House and took a few pictures with the D70.  The saleslady looked admiringly at my camera and asked what make it was and how many cylinders it had.   

LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #489 on: May 10, 2017, 12:48:51 AM »

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

ToniW

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #490 on: May 10, 2017, 07:02:45 AM »

Accident

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, “I did that by accident.”
She replied, “I know that, daddy.”
He replied, “How’d you know?”
The girl said, “Because you didn’t say ‘ASSHOLE!’ afterwards!”  ::)
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LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #491 on: May 13, 2017, 09:40:24 AM »

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his photographs on display at that time.
'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your prints.'
'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'
'The guy was your doctor...'

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #492 on: May 13, 2017, 02:36:17 PM »

...

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #493 on: May 26, 2017, 05:52:26 AM »

...

degrub

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #494 on: May 26, 2017, 09:38:00 AM »

touche'
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Eric Myrvaagnes

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #495 on: May 26, 2017, 09:50:35 AM »

...
Teacher should have known that "whale" is an incorrect translation of the biblical story. More accurate would be "fish."    ;)
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-Eric Myrvaagnes    (A sampler of my new book is on my website.)
http://myrvaagnes.com  Visit my photo website (Server is back up). New images each season. Also visit my new website: http://ericneedsakidney.org

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #496 on: June 07, 2017, 04:09:15 AM »



                Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.
                While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
                The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have
                him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land
                for just  $100.'
                The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They
                return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald
                Trump shipped home.
                The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship
                him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
                only $100?
                 
                The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
                and three days later he rose from the dead.  We just can't take the risk.'

         

     

LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #497 on: June 08, 2017, 01:58:24 PM »

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!". Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

LesPalenik

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #498 on: June 11, 2017, 12:22:29 AM »

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"So, why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #499 on: June 21, 2017, 12:17:19 AM »

Ahmmm... kerning, anyone?


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