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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 86126 times)

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #40 on: December 13, 2015, 06:17:50 AM »

Q:  WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? 
A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #41 on: December 15, 2015, 10:24:58 AM »

...

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #42 on: December 15, 2015, 01:39:50 PM »

Priceless, Slobodan!

Rob

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #43 on: December 19, 2015, 02:49:31 PM »

I have a wonderful short vid of great humour: it's of a topless lady sitting in a small aircraft, and laughing her pretty head off as the pilot does rolls. Well, okay, it's the plane doing the rolls, not the pilot. It's an absolutely fascinating lessson on Earth's gravity, specific gravity of woman, momentum and the wondrous laws of Nature. It's also great cutting, because after a few minutes of watching it I realised it wasn't a continuous take at all - just a beautiful loop...

I'd have posted, but the PC Police would have objected.

;-(

Rob C

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #44 on: December 22, 2015, 04:37:38 AM »

I had an argument with my wife in the lift this morning. She told me I was wrong on so many levels.

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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #45 on: December 22, 2015, 09:34:29 AM »

I had an argument with my wife in the lift this morning. She told me I was wrong on so many levels.

http://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=103793.msg853114#msg853114  :P

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #46 on: December 22, 2015, 11:24:56 AM »

I did wonder but didn't check :(
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #47 on: December 22, 2015, 12:52:01 PM »

I did wonder but didn't check :(

I think mine just clarifies what type of argument you two had ;D :P

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #48 on: December 22, 2015, 01:25:13 PM »

Did anyone find that UK B&W magazine needed to see where you came in that competition or something? I saw the magazine today but I couldn't find the list of winners etc. I was pushed for time though so maybe I missed the list.  It's quite a nice publication but the cost, the cost.
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #49 on: December 22, 2015, 01:30:32 PM »

Did anyone find that UK B&W magazine needed to see where you came in that competition or something?...

Yes, but no joy for me, thanks for asking.

Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #50 on: December 22, 2015, 01:32:13 PM »

Ronald Reagan's joke about Democrats:

"There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.

But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasnít known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.

And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. Sheís never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.

And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.

And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time Iíve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said thatís the first time Iíve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform."

Zorki5

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #51 on: December 22, 2015, 01:50:46 PM »

Ronald Reagan's joke about Democrats:

"There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.

But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasnít known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.

And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. Sheís never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.

And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.

And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time Iíve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said thatís the first time Iíve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform."


 ;D

Here's video of it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUu2HKZGxJ4
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #52 on: December 22, 2015, 02:07:19 PM »

I did look very hard for your name, it would have stood out I think :)
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GrahamBy

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #53 on: December 23, 2015, 07:45:14 AM »

Colour management:

http://www.xkcd.com/1615/
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kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #54 on: December 24, 2015, 10:25:49 AM »

http://www.xkcd.com/1615/

xkcd is a fantastic source of witty comment on almost anything. I keep a store of his stuff for use when I give lectures.



and



Jeremy
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Robert Roaldi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #55 on: February 01, 2016, 10:12:05 AM »

Older guy decides to apply for a post-retirement job for some extra spending money. He is interviewed by a much younger fellow. The young guy asks the retired guy, "What would you say is your greatest liability?"

Older guy replies, "My honesty."

Younger guy says, "That's a new one on me, I didn't think that honesty could be a liability."

Older guy replies, "I don't give a damn what you think."
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--
Robert
robertroaldi.zenfolio.com

Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #56 on: February 08, 2016, 03:38:32 AM »

THE GLOBAL RECESSION

 The recession has hit everybody really hard.

 My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

 CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
 A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
 pennies while she danced.

 I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

 If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

 McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ounces.

 Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

 Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
 children's names.

 My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
 re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.

 When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

 The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

 And, finally...

 I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
 my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
 Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
 I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #57 on: February 23, 2016, 08:47:55 AM »

An Aussie and a Kiwi walk into a bakery shop and the Aussie slips three
pastries into his pocket. He turns to the Kiwi and says "pretty slick, eh
bro? the owner didn't even see me."

Unimpressed the Kiwi replies "typical dishonest Aussie, bro I?m gonna show
you the honest way and still get the same result." The Kiwi calls out to
the owner of the shop and says "hey, man I wanna show you a magic trick."

The intrigued shop agrees to play along, so the Kiwi asks for a pastry
which he eats. He then asks for another which he eats, and a third which
he also eats. By now the shop owner is getting a little impatient and asks
"c?mon, mate what?s this so-called magic trick, then?"

The Kiwi points to the Aussie and says, "look in his pockets."
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #58 on: February 23, 2016, 10:28:29 AM »


A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."  Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway , he had the right credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
 
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian ."
 
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
 
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
 
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
 
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.
 
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.  Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
 
 
Dear Sir,
 
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
 
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.  After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
 
Thank you for your advice.
 
Sincerely,
 
Dick van Dyke
 
 
 

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #59 on: February 23, 2016, 10:57:02 AM »

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two
o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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