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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 53652 times)

Colorado David

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #20 on: September 16, 2015, 01:28:35 PM »

Person 1, "M R Photographers."

Person 2, "M R not."

Person 1, "O S A R, C M M T pockets? M R Photographers."

kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2015, 03:03:32 PM »

I haven't spoken to my wife for 25 years. I didn't like to interrupt.

Jeremy
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2015, 11:55:01 AM »

I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback.  On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? 
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2015, 12:02:39 PM »

I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback.  On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? 
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."



But it might put him at an advantage with a kangaroo...

Rob C

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2015, 01:04:16 PM »

We have to hope that's not speaking from personal experience :)
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #25 on: September 18, 2015, 01:27:46 PM »

We have to hope that's not speaking from personal experience :)


Never been to Oz. Yet!

In The Moon's a Balloon David Niven writes about an officer he once had who boasted to having had it off with everything under the Sun, and the only thing he couldn't stand was a woman with a Scottish accent; says something about the lassies he 'dealt' with rather than about the race... trust me: voice was one of my wife's special attractions for me.

;-)

Rob C

Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2015, 04:06:21 AM »


Never been to Oz. Yet!

In The Moon's a Balloon David Niven writes about an officer he once had who boasted to having had it off with everything under the Sun, and the only thing he couldn't stand was a woman with a Scottish accent; says something about the lassies he 'dealt' with rather than about the race... trust me: voice was one of my wife's special attractions for me.

;-)

Rob C

No need to travel quite that far for the experience -

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/wallabies-warm-to-britain-1259864.html
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2015, 09:29:53 PM »

This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.”
 —Richard Jeni

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it’d been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Colorado David

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2015, 09:51:12 PM »

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a New Zealander, an Australian, a South African, an Indian, a Latvian, a Mexican, a Canadian, an Egyptian, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Swedish chap, a Pakistani, a Serb, a Croatian, a Belgian, an Iranian, a Greek, a Chilean and a Spaniard walk into a bar. And the barman says, “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”


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Mike D. B.

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #29 on: November 20, 2015, 12:26:53 AM »

This is a wonderfully enjoyable thread!   :)  Thanks, guys!!

William Walker

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #30 on: November 20, 2015, 12:47:50 AM »

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

David Sutton

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #31 on: November 20, 2015, 03:17:09 AM »

A policeman called at my house this week and said "it looks like your wife's been in an accident".
Cheeky bugger! I gave him a hiding.
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kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #32 on: November 20, 2015, 04:06:25 AM »

I went into B&Q* the other day and a man in an orange and black uniform** asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got in the first punch and that was that. But others might not be as lucky, so be on your guard.

Jeremy


* a chain of home hardware shops
** B&Q staff uniform
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #33 on: November 20, 2015, 07:36:08 AM »

My wife was in a frisky mood and asked me to whisper something really dirty to her.

I whispered in her ear "the Kitchen and bathroom".

And then the fight started.
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wmchauncey

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #34 on: November 20, 2015, 09:05:40 AM »

A traveling salesman inquired to the farmer why that pig in the field only had three legs...said the farmer "that pig saved our lives last Christmas when our tree caught fire"
"But why does it only have three legs"?  "When ya have a pig like that, ya don't eat him all at once"
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Kevin Gallagher

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #35 on: November 20, 2015, 09:43:16 AM »

 A cop finally catches a car in his speed trap, as he walks up to the car he says "It's about time I've been waiting here all morning", the driver says "well I got here as fast as I could"
« Last Edit: November 20, 2015, 09:47:23 AM by Kevin Gallagher »
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kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #36 on: November 20, 2015, 03:23:21 PM »

Our friend Dave drowned. At the funeral, we gave a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

It was what he would have wanted.

Jeremy
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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2015, 07:35:53 PM »

To add something visual:

Colorado David

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2015, 10:29:15 PM »

Our friend Dave drowned. At the funeral, we gave a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

It was what he would have wanted.

Jeremy

You could have used a different name. ;)

kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #39 on: December 13, 2015, 05:22:04 AM »

You could have used a different name. ;)

Sorry about that. But if I'd joked about Xyrk, something in a flying saucer would have felt slighted  ;)

Jeremy
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