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Author Topic: A touch of humor  (Read 36902 times)

PeterAit

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A touch of humor
« on: September 13, 2015, 11:42:41 AM »

Bob forgot his wife's birthday and she was really miffed. She told him "Tomorrow morning I want to see something in our driveway that will go from zero to 180 in under 10 seconds, brand new. And you had better not forget!"

The next morning the missus looked out the window and was puzzled to see a cardboard box in the driveway. She went out and opened it.

It was a bathroom scale.

Bob has not been heard from since.

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Peter
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2015, 08:40:49 AM »

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
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Rob C

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2015, 10:10:43 AM »

I tried to do two things at once, long ago, and my wife said Rob, you're not a woman. You know perfectly well you can't even sing and stay in tune at the same time.

Rob C

drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2015, 10:16:29 AM »

My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream.

Now all I want to do is rub it in.
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2015, 10:38:59 AM »

For her birthday, my wife asked me to take her to someplace she has not been to in years.

I took her into the kitchen

Then the fight started.
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2015, 11:33:06 AM »

These are all too short :)

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job
applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job?
You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to
the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those
stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: "Ok, show me your plan."

The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his head. Sure
enough, he rings the bell. The bishop asks him, "How did you learn to ring
the bell like this?" The hunchback replies, "Actually, I first learned on
the guitar," and walks over to a guitar on the wall and starts banging his
head on it, and Lo! Beautiful music comes out.

So despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.

Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the
hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest
corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he
jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud.
Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He
staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below.

A crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street;
the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.
The policeman arrives and again asks: "Who is this guy?" The bishop
replies: "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The policeman then asks if the bishop had hired the hunchback. "Yes,"
replies the Bishop, "but I had a hunchback there nothing good would come
of this job interview."

The policeman then asks if the bishop can tell him anything about the
hunchback. The bishop replies,"Not much, but he could play a guitar just
like a ringing a bell."

The next day, a man (who has arms) arrives, claiming to be the hunchbacks
brother. "Hi, I've come to take over my brother's job." The bishop offers
his condolences for the loss of his brother, and then escorts him to the
tower.
"Your brother used to ring the bell with his face," said the Bishop. "Will
you do that, too, or will you use your arms?" The hunchback's brother
replies "If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!" So saying, he
runs full bore at the bell, glances off it with his face, falls out the
window and to his death in the street below.

The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd
gathers. A policeman arrives and asks the bishop "Do you know who this man
is?" The bishop replies, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

So once again the church was left without a bell ringer. An advertisement
was placed in the local paper and within days a young man who possessed
two stout arms applied for the job. The bishop was greatly impressed with
the fellow's bell-ringing skill, and he offered the job. The young man
accepted and the bishop began to fill out some paperwork. He said, "Now
what is your name?" The fellow replied, "I cannot tell you, but I will
whisper it to the bell." Now this seemed somewhat unusual to the bishop,
but he needed a bell ringer, so he nodded his approval. The young man
leaned toward the bell, cupped his hands around his mouth, and whispered
something unintelligible to the bell. The bishop, wondering if he was
doing the right thing, left the young man to his work.

For weeks the skies above the city were filled with the most glorious
tones imaginable, until one day -- quite by accident -- the young man
slipped, fell out the side of the belfry, and plunged to his death upon
the pavement below. A crowd gathered 'round; a policeman knelt beside the
body; the bishop walked outside to investigate the commotion. The
policeman looked up at the bishop and asked, "Do you know this man's
name?" The bishop paused, and then replied slowly, "No, he tolled the
bell."

So once again the church was left without a bell ringer. An advertisement
was placed in the local paper and within days another young man who
possessed two stout arms applied for the job, and the bishop asked him to
demonstrate his skill with the rope. The man replied, "I have no need for
the rope--just watch this!" With that, he dropped his jaw, tilted his head
backward, and produced a perfect E above high C. As he held the note, the
bell began to resonate with sympathetic vibrations, and a beautiful tone
could be heard throughout the city. The beauty of the sound was
incredible, and the man was hired on the spot.

With his unique skill, it soon became obvious that the man could ring the
bell without even entering the belfry. Each day at noon he would simply
walk along the sidewalk by the church, drop his jaw, tilt his head
backward, produce a perfect E above high C, and ring the bell to the
amazement of all. Until one day, quite by accident, the vibrations caused
the rope holding the bell to snap, and the bell flew out the side of the
belfry, plunged toward the ground, and crushed the man to his death upon
the pavement below. A crowd gathered 'round; a policeman knelt beside the
body; the bishop walked outside to investigate the commotion. The
policeman looked up at the bishop and asked, "Do you know this man's
name?" The bishop paused, and then replied slowly, "No, but he was a real
humdinger!"

This time the church placed two ads in the paper, one for putting the bell
back in the tower, the other for ringing the bell. A troll showed up to
put the bell back in the tower. Although loath to hire a troll, the bishop
decided to let him put the bell back in the tower (the troll was big and
strong). After the troll put the bell back, it demanded the job of bell
ringer. The bishop refused, telling the troll that he would scare away all
the church members. The troll became enraged and chased the bishop around
the bell. Around and around they ran, with the troll getting closer and
closer. Suddenly, the troll's arm snagged on the bell rope. Infuriated the
troll pulled the rope with all its strength. The bell swung forward and
then back again, pulling the troll off its feet and out the window, where
it fell to its death.

A horrified crowd gathered, and the tired bishop made his way down the
belfry, arriving just as the policeman arrived. The policeman asked the
bishop "What happened?" The bishop explained that he had refused the troll
the bell ringing job and the troll began chasing him. "How did you
escape?" asked the policeman. The bishop's reply: "I was saved by the
bell."
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2015, 11:53:50 AM »

Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.

Pithy humour for the win.  :)

My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is whining about what she sees and says me, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her, 'Well, at least your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started...
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2015, 12:23:36 PM »

Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.


You say that but some are wonderful. I will try and find the best one ever that goes on for ever and has an awful pun at teh end.

I like the 'and then the fight started' jokes though.
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kikashi

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2015, 02:54:59 PM »

I come from a family of incompetent magicians. I have two half-sisters.

Jeremy
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B-Ark

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2015, 02:57:42 PM »

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die." she replied.
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B-Ark

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2015, 02:59:14 PM »

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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PeterAit

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2015, 03:18:50 PM »

Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.


I tend to agree. The best jokes are short jokes. For example:

The elderly woman called the police to report indecent exposure by the young man next door. When the officer arrived he looked out the window. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't see anything." The woman replied "Of course not. You have to stand on that chair and use the binoculars."
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Peter
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2015, 03:31:58 PM »

I noticed my boss driving a nice Merc into our work parking lot.  He stopped and chatted with me about the car.  Then he said

"If you work hard; really apply yourself; and are willing to put in the extra hours to succeed... next year I will be able to afford a new Merc."

 :-\
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Torbjörn Tapani

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2015, 05:42:48 PM »

You say that but some are wonderful. I will try and find the best one ever that goes on for ever and has an awful pun at teh end.

I like the 'and then the fight started' jokes though.

Is it this one? http://natethesnake.com/
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Tarnash

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2015, 08:44:31 PM »

I noticed my boss driving a nice Merc into our work parking lot.  He stopped and chatted with me about the car.  Then he said

"If you work hard; really apply yourself; and are willing to put in the extra hours to succeed... next year I will be able to afford a new Merc."

 :-\
  Now that's what I call `a joke'! :D
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DeanChriss

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2015, 09:01:49 PM »

Yesterday a magician drove down a street in my neighborhood and turned into a driveway.
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Otto Phocus

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2015, 07:53:10 AM »

I knew this farmer who was a great magician

I saw him shake a stick and turn two cows into a pasture.
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drmike

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #17 on: September 15, 2015, 12:39:21 PM »

I was sitting in the cinema watching a comedy film, when I couldn't help
noticing that next to me was a large alsatian. What was more surprising
was that the dog was having the time of it's life, laughing at all the
jokes and nearly dropping its stick with excitement. I turned to the
woman holding the dog's lead, and said, "I hope you don't think I'm
being rude, but I'm very surprised to see your dog enjoying the film so
much.""You're surprised?" she replied. "I'm amazed - he hated the book."

Hoping it's not too long
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Justinr

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #18 on: September 15, 2015, 04:38:30 PM »

When it comes to one liners this guy was a master -

 I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'


http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/lesdawsonjokes.html

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Slobodan Blagojevic

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Re: A touch of humor
« Reply #19 on: September 16, 2015, 11:59:34 AM »

Sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
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