Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.
Unfortunately, stories like this are seldom worth the time to read through.
You say that but some are wonderful. I will try and find the best one ever that goes on for ever and has an awful pun at teh end.
I like the 'and then the fight started' jokes though.
I noticed my boss driving a nice Merc into our work parking lot. He stopped and chatted with me about the car. Then he saidNow that's what I call `a joke'! :D
"If you work hard; really apply yourself; and are willing to put in the extra hours to succeed... next year I will be able to afford a new Merc."
:-\
I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."
We have to hope that's not speaking from personal experience :)
Never been to Oz. Yet!
In The Moon's a Balloon David Niven writes about an officer he once had who boasted to having had it off with everything under the Sun, and the only thing he couldn't stand was a woman with a Scottish accent; says something about the lassies he 'dealt' with rather than about the race... trust me: voice was one of my wife's special attractions for me.
;-)
Rob C
Our friend Dave drowned. At the funeral, we gave a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
It was what he would have wanted.
Jeremy
You could have used a different name. ;)
I had an argument with my wife in the lift this morning. She told me I was wrong on so many levels.
I did wonder but didn't check :(
Did anyone find that UK B&W magazine needed to see where you came in that competition or something?...
Ronald Reagan's joke about Democrats:
"There was once upon a time that to be a republican in this area in this area of the country felt a little bit like being Gary Cooper in High Noon. Outnumbered in a big way.
But I remember the story about a fella who was running for office as a republican. And he was in a rural area that wasn’t known to be a republican area and he stopped by a farm to do some campaigning.
And when the farmer heard he was a republican his jaw dropped and he said wait right here while I go get Ma. She’s never seen a republican before. So he got her. And the candidate looked around for a podium from which to give his speech.
And the only thing he could find was a pile of that stuff that Bess Truman took 35 years trying to get Harry to call fertilizer. So, he got up on the mound and when they came back he gave his speech.
And at the end of it the farmer said that is the first time I’ve ever heard a republican speech. And the candidate said that’s the first time I’ve ever given a republican speech from a democratic platform."
http://www.xkcd.com/1615/
Subject: essex innit
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
This is Brilliant Mr C! There's no humour so funny as that based on ridiculing social groups based on their 'inferiority' of education, their taste and their propensity for crime!
...Do you get my point?
People claim that I am condescending. That means that I talk down to people.
The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?As a fun-loving retired person, I really enjoyed this one.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.
We didn't really care. We'd come into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Jeremy
Eric, I thought that by now you've prepared that form message, no? :DMaybe I'll just refer to it as Form Msg #372.5. :D
Why do brides wear white?
So they match the kitchen appliances.
I'm really worried about my Parrot.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?Darn, Rob. That ain't funny, that's the truth!
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Darn, Rob. That ain't funny, that's the truth!
Darn, Rob. That ain't funny, that's the truth!
That ain't funny, that's the truth!
Strewth!
I'm with you all the way, Zorki. Except I didn't do this stuff in school. I used punch cards at NORAD Hq. to develop a more streamlined combat reporting system. Got damn good with a card punch too. Then, after I retired, the first "good" operating system I ran into was NEWDOS 80. Shortly after that Microsoft came out with a reasonably good version of FORTRAN, which I jumped into. Until Microsoft got off Windows "operating systems" that rode on top of DOS, things were pretty iffy.
My first (external) hard drive was 10 megabytes and I was sure I had enough storage for the rest of my life.
Luxury (said with Monty Python Yorkshire accent).
;D ;D ;D Thanks... Those cigar-smoking gentlemen reminded me something else:
"Excuse me, where is the library at?"
"Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition."
"O.K. Excuse me, where is the library at, asshole?"
Splicing paper tape was the way to go.Yep, I recall programing CNC machines with toolpath in the 70s. Used paper tape until I was sure the program was okay, then copied it to an aluminum tape (blue on one side, silver on the other). Seems a thousand years ago that I learned toolpath at LeBlond in Cincinnati.
Dave
Ok, so this is not a joke, it really happened to me yesterday:
I was writing "I do not have a good wifi here..." when auto-correct suggested: "I do not have a good wife" Damn, what an insight! This AI is getting real scary 😄
So i guess that rules out wifi extenders and additional access points ? ;)
Slobodan, have you passed this event on to your wife?
So i guess that rules out wifi extenders and additional access points ? ;)
Why does a Chicken Coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a Chicken "Sedan!"
(Guess you have to be in the Automotive business)
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
And you have to pronounce "coupé" the American way, too.
Jeremy
My uncle fought in WWII France. He told a story of passing through French towns during the liberation. When the French shouted greetings to the American soldiers they would answer, "Chev-roo-lay Coo-pay."
They probably thought they were asking for some goat meat...
My uncle fought in WWII France. He told a story of passing through French towns during the liberation. When the French shouted greetings to the American soldiers they would answer, "Chev-roo-lay Coo-pay."
I'm going to buy the new Hasselblad tomorrow.That's much funnier than anything in the actual Hassy thread. ;)
(This is the right thread, innit?)
Rob
Sold the watch then.
;)
There ainn't no such thing as too much drama in a dramatic shot. 8)
... and then recalled this video...
The Sheer Nightgown.Ouch!!
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the
sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts forthe sheerest item, pays the £500, and takes it
home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him. Upstairs the wifethinks (she's nodummy), 'I have an
idea. It's so sheer that it might as well benothing.I won't put it on,
but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon .
For when you decide not to buy that damned camera.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t61oJT-d900
Rob
I was in hospital last week and the bloke in the next bed did nothing but
complain: about the nurses, the food, the hard bed, the boredom. A nurse
told me he couldn't help it, he was in a critical condition.
Someone from the Ramblers' Association cold-called me last week. Couldn't get him off the phone.
Jeremy
Electile Dysfunction.
...Electile Dysfunction.
A few thoughts on the English language
:)
English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiVs05yq9-o)
A few thoughts on the English languageAnd I'd been thinking recently that a person who sews should be called a sewer.
When read, we read it correctly...it's all in the context. Most of the time.
Peter
:)
English spelling - a bit mad, but perhaps the best system around (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiVs05yq9-o)
Jeremy, a wonderful demonstration of English variation.+1.
A few thoughts on the English language
Nice place to park. (http://www.dv.is/frettir/2016/7/9/vegurinn-i-sundur-vid-kaldbaksvik-bill-erlendra-ferdamanna-fram-af-bruninni/)Probably busy talking on their cell phones, even if they had no service there.
PS: In Strandir, Iceland - American couple didn't realize the route had been washed away due to heavy rain.
And I'd been thinking recently that a person who sews should be called a sewer.
Which should cause us to wonder at the marvel that is Mother Nature. She gave us ears, nose & eyes, all in just the right place to enable the wearing of spectacles. Amazing foresight.
Not only that, but the distance between my ears happens to exactly match that between my glasses' temples! I find that extraordinary, and extremely convenient. Thanks, Mother Nature!
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Japanese, a Chinese, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, an American, a Vietnamese, a Laotian, a Welshman, another Englishman, a Cuban, an Australian, a Brazilian and a Portuguese walk into an upmarket bar.
The barman says "Sorry, gentlemen - you can't come in here without a Thai".
Jeremy
Shame! Shame! Jeremy.And If I had been telling it, I would have said "another American" instead of "another Englishman."
Rob, that Taliban joke is phenomenally well put together (whoever the author is). I can almost hear the accents and see the characters. And I can envision a Monty Python skit based on that.
Shame! Shame! Jeremy.
You're right, Russ. I forgot the German and the Turk.
Jeremy
Since there is so much politics in other threads here:
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is exactly how politics works . . .
... ‘Because on your driving licence it says you got an “F” in sex’
The Israelis replied. ...
Dear Agony Aunt,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot bull with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore!
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!
True story: when in Toronto a while back we went to a restaurant that specializes in Canadian oysters. Being curious I asked the server "Where do you get your oysters?" (as in Nova Scotia, British Columbia, etc). The answer?
"The oyster guy brings them."
A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in the entire zoo.
It's a shitzu.
I don't think I ever saw those, but I am reminded of an exchange in a restaurant:
"How did you find the steak, Sir?"
"I just lifted up a chip* and there it was."
Jeremy
* French fry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq_ZosSy_9I&app=desktopRob, this is the first time I've smiled during those three debates. Thanks for that link!
Rob
Rob, this is the first time I've smiled during those three debates. Thanks for that link!
Brilliant ! ;)+100.
Beautiful, Rob.
At first, I thought that plan might work for me, but since my sense of balance is getting a bit off (even when I'm sober), I think I'd best leave out the skippin. ;)
Do film your attempts and post them here.
Eric, as people can cycle lying on their backs on the sitting room carpet, surely skippin' can't be that more difficult? Of course, you'd probably have to do it from the elbows outwards, so that could raise difficulties, if not only the hips. I must try it one evening if the computer lets me go.
Rob
Do film your attempts and post them here.
Eric
A mate of mine has died today. He was photographing a steam train on the West Somerset Railway, tripped & fell under the train. On the plus side, it's the way he'd want to go, so I expect he was chuffed to bits.
Very pungent, Bill.
Don't remember where I read this, but somebody said: "When I die I want to be buried in Chicago. I'd like to stay politically active."
"It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.
Ha, got me :)Me too. ;D
... "It was my first day with the hook," said the pirate.
I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.
Airport Body Scans Results
JUNE 2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening:
Terrorists Discovered ............................................. 0
Transvestites ....................................................... 133
Hernias ............................................................... 1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases ................................................ 3,172
Enlarged Prostates ................................................ 8,249
Breast Implants ....................................................59,350
Natural Blondes .................................................... 3
It was also discovered: 308 Politicians had no balls.
...
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.
______________________________ ______________________________ _________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!
Sheer poetry, Rob! ;D
There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or
with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the
lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both
are fatal
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
I think you need to mansplain this one.
E.
It's a take on the question, 'If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one to hear it, does it make a sound?'
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
and here i was trying to be witty.
maybe I should forget humor and try something simpler eg. -photography .
Edmund
and here i was trying to be witty.
maybe I should forget humor and try something simpler eg. -photography .
Edmund
Apologies for missing it. Your use of 'mansplain' should have been the giveawayYes it should.
... By the way, I've bought a new book titled ‘Teach Yourself X-Ray Vision’. I’ve just been having a look through it.
Englishman and a Frenchman go for dinner. Both order the trout. The Englishman loves it. The Frenchman hates it. But you know what they say, one man's fish is another man's poisson ...
(https://photos.smugmug.com/photos/i-gc7C3M7/0/O/i-gc7C3M7.jpg) (https://pegelli.smugmug.com/Other/My-Smug-Mug/n-SzsWG/i-gc7C3M7/A)
Is that burlesque humor or just a comic strip?Probably both ;)
Edmund
My father's trying to persuade me to get an organ donor card. He's a man after my own heart.
That’s a Tim Vine sort of joke!
Tim Vine is a genius
That’s a Tim Vine sort of joke!
The scene is the offices of The Daily Planet.
Lois Lane has just made a cutting remark to Clark Kent. Jimmy Olsen has
overheard and is shocked:
Jimmy: Why are you always so sarcastic to Clark? Can't you think of
something wittier to say?
Clark: What's the problem, Jimmy? Don't you know that sarcasm is the
Lois form of wit?
Bloke goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says to the barman, "A pint for me and one for the road".I've got to steal that one for use with some of my road tar images, Bill!
It could well be an actual Tim Vine joke. I can never remember where I hear these things.
Jeremy
An airplane was about to crash and there were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachute packs.
...
I first heard that told about Kissinger. It's probably even older.
Jeremy
Some are just too good to die.Like me, for instance.
Rob
I must have heard this before but it lightened the start of my day :)
Not Essex though?
A bit of visual humor:
I'd apologise for offending our Australian members but I doubt it would make much difference
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car, and set off for the
outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight
Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg
masturbating furiously at the bar.
"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and
now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man
with only one leg to catch a sheep."
There's a nudist convention coming to Somerset in June. I might go if I've got nothing on.
Really gutted today. A good friend of mine spent years going through medical school, working long shifts behind a bar to pay for his studies. Qualified, was finally starting to see the fruits of his labours, money rolling in, beautiful girlfriend etc etc. Stupidly...he has sex with one of his patients and now its all over for him.
Tragic really. A lovely lovely guy and a brilliant Vet.
Really gutted today. A good friend of mine spent years going through medical school, working long shifts behind a bar to pay for his studies. Qualified, was finally starting to see the fruits of his labours, money rolling in, beautiful girlfriend etc etc. Stupidly...he has sex with one of his patients and now its all over for him.
Tragic really. A lovely lovely guy and a brilliant Vet.
The fatal flaw with this one is that a person does not go to medical school to become a vet.I'm going to have to ask a photographer friend who is a Vet. But around here, "people" doctors attend schools generally with the title "School of Medicine", while the other kind attend schools called "School of Veterinary Medicine," which sure sounds like a specialist type of "School of Medicine" to me.
ok, all nits are picked. Time to move on...
Is that a nurse's job?
Rob C
ok, all nits are picked. Time to move on...
The Latin scholar sat down at the bar. "Barkeep," he said, "Please give me a dry martinus."
The barkeep replied "Do you mean a martini?"
"If I want more than one, I'll let you know."
Think of the confusion wrought by the movie character named Paparazzo. From a mere name it became a style of snapper, and its plural, as used to describe a snap of such snappers, also confuses to this day: should it be paparazzos or paparazzi? Guess it depends on which lingo one is using. Deep!And the Hebrew version might be Paparazzim.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoNsKZrT0wo
Rob
And the Hebrew version might be Paparazzim.
Three men are trekking through the forest and come to a wide and dangerous river. One man prays, “God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees he now has a powerful swimmer’s physique. He jumps in and swims across the river.
The second man prays, “God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down and sees a hammer, saw, and nails. He builds a boat and paddles across the river.
The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash.
The paramedics arrive and drag her out and onto the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
'Oh my god’ shrieks Miss Essex, ‘I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
... The third man prays, “God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof, the man looks down to find he has been changed into a woman. She looks at the map, walks upstream a bit, and crosses on the bridge.
Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"
Thanks for the funny jokes - but why "Essex girl?" Is this like a "blond joke?"So I guess it's because there isn't a region in the UK called "blond." ;)
That would be fake news. This is the real one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15725/The-real-reason-women-read-maps.html - The real reason women can't read maps ;)
Referring to someone as a Daily Mail reader isn't always a compliment in the UK.Understatement :-)
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
Rob
Experience goes a LONG way...
Peter
Oh Lord, i love it ;D ;D ;DMe too!
Frank
I hurt my arm this morning and was in hospital for an X-ray. As I was waiting to be seen, the chap next to me said:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"
Then the lady sat opposite replied:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
Surprised, I said to the doctor: "Is this the psychiatric ward?"
"No,", he said. "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
Dear British Brothers,
I'm often left curious by some of the British humor found here, and the fact that some of it is beyond comprehension for the U.S. audience. Other cultures as well, I suppose.
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
Most Brits would get it, but then most Brits don't like Burns; except on "Burns Night" when the whiskey is flowing.
I have presided over a "Burns Night" dinner when the Haggis was ritually killed.
Dear British Brothers,Gosh, fellas. There must be something wrong with me. I'm totally American, but I understood it perfectly. I even had to read it to my American wife, who also found it hilarious.
I'm often left curious by some of the British humor found here, and the fact that some of it is beyond comprehension for the U.S. audience. Other cultures as well, I suppose.
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
2. What percentage of the current British population would get it?
With the latest "psychiatric vs burn unit" piece I have to ask:
1. What the hell does it mean? Please translate or explain.
Gosh, fellas. There must be something wrong with me. I'm totally American, but I understood it perfectly. I even had to read it to my American wife, who also found it hilarious.
At the divorce of Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse, the judge says,
"Mr. Mouse, I am afraid I can't grant your the divorce on the grounds that you say your wife Minnie is insane."
"Your honor", Micky squeaked, "I never said that Minnie was insane, I said 'she was f-ing Goofy!"
The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdJ5qZTAQ18)
The second adventure of the Yosemite Marching Band. Yes, a high altitude marching band that performs while skiing, rafting, and climbing.
Yosemite Marching Band 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdJ5qZTAQ18)
How much does a hipster weigh?
An Instagram. ;D
(Best understood by those of us, like me, whose education pre-dates the advent of calculators.)Jeremy,
(Best understood by those of us, like me, whose education pre-dates the advent of calculators.)
Jeremy,
I'm tempted to send you one of my slide rules!
Eric
Ah, calculators. I remember the first "portable" 4-function ones that you still had to plug in, and they cost a much as a decent laptop computer. Speaking of computers, there's that old chestnut:
The joke about cheap parking is amazing... in the length of its legs. It's been around for decades, not sure of the origin.
What's interesting is how it changes, and how it stays the same. The basic premise never changes, and the amount of the loan is fairly constant. But the owner, the vehicle, and the location varies over time. For a long time is was an old man with a Cadillac in Miami (going on a cruise). Sometimes the old man was a Jew, sometimes not. Back in the eighties there was a version with a pimp in pink suit and flowered hat. I've never heard it with a blonde before. And I've never heard it set outside the U.S.
I wonder what other old jokes reflect clutural changes over time. I wonder if there is a Japanese version, or a Russian version, etc.
The joke about cheap parking is amazing... in the length of its legs. It's been around for decades, not sure of the origin.
What's interesting is how it changes, and how it stays the same. The basic premise never changes, and the amount of the loan is fairly constant. But the owner, the vehicle, and the location varies over time. For a long time is was an old man with a Cadillac in Miami (going on a cruise). Sometimes the old man was a Jew, sometimes not. Back in the eighties there was a version with a pimp in pink suit and flowered hat. I've never heard it with a blonde before. And I've never heard it set outside the U.S.
Q: How do you get a Professional Photographer to leave a party?
A: Just pay him for the Pizza and close the door.
Which makes both Ringo and Bailey fall about laughing!
Maybe they had other attributes.
What do you call a man who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
Jeremy
You couldn't make it up:
http://www.msn.com/es-es/noticias/espana/el-%e2%80%98prost%c3%adbulo%e2%80%99-de-mu%c3%b1ecas-de-barcelona-forzado-a-trasladarse-a-un-nuevo-espacio/ar-AAoo4hV?li=BBpm69L&ocid=UE07DHP
Sure ya' could. Remember Zhora and Pris (basic pleasure model replicants) from Blade Runner? Probably not what the Barcelonans are looking for, but hey, ya' never know.
Ending Pris (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsG06XnEJTg)
I was musing about the life choices one makes, and had asked myself what I'd do now, given my time and chances over again. I sort of concluded that I'd still enjoy a life in images, but rather than photographic stills, which though I believe can be an art, has had - I guess - its commercial day. Now, I'd try to become a producer of tv content. I'd look at the opportunites of that as maker of short features or series.
Rob
Medical man...
Droll, but see http://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=103793.msg949389;topicseen#msg949389.
Jeremy
I bow to your superior memory :)
At the bank today, an old man asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him. He fell over.So that was you at the bank today when I was asking for help!
Jeremy
... At the bank today, an old man asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him. He fell over.
Jeremy
A man walks into a Scottish library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae enny books on suicide?' She stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back.
(Probably an old joke for the UK readers. It takes a while to reach the colonies. When I was ten, we had elderly neighbours who had emigrated to Canada from Glasgow. The man also had a slight speech impediment, according to my mother. Occasionally, he and I would find ourselves face to face, and he would try to talk to me. I don't think I ever understood a word he said. I just nodded my head, and he likely thought I was simple).
Someone told me that culling their photos after a shoot is a tedious chore. But culling is a great activity. I mean, it's really fantastic. People who think culling is bad are total scumbags. Total scumbags. It's great, it's really, really great. It's the best thing you can do. I've got all the best pictures, really the best. Some of them are tiny but they're great, really really great. And more people in the world have seen my great pictures than any other pictures in the world. I'm telling you. All the other photographers are worse than me. They're bad, so bad. Ansel Adams? A total disaster. Henri Cartier-Bresson, he's a fake. So fake, he has to have a hyphen in his name. Youssef Karsh? He copies my style. He knows my style because he tapped my phones. Someone told me he died in 2002. Fake news. So fake. He was an immigrant. Shouldn't have let him in the country, our country, the best country in the world.Fantastic, Les!
So we sent him to Canada. Where we're going to build a great wall. It's going to be the best wall in the world, the best ever. And we're going to make them pay for it. Our photographers are the best photographers in the world. The best. You can hire them, you can pay them with opportunities for exposure, the best way to pay. And you can grab them by the lens. We're going to do that by banning all digital sensors, so we can go back to film and make Kodak great again. They're going to be so great and they're going to hire hundreds of thousands of people. Millions. It's time to make photography great again.
Feel free to share. If you share, more people in the world will read your posts. More than any other posts in the world. I'm telling you. It'll be fantastic. Think of all the exposure you'll get. Nobody shares posts better than you do. Nobody. It will be so big, it will kill the internet. Kill it. And we're going to make Mark Zuckerberg pay for it.
Someone told me that culling their photos after a shoot is a tedious chore. But culling is a great activity. I mean, it's really fantastic. People who think culling is bad are total scumbags. Total scumbags. It's great, it's really, really great. It's the best thing you can do. I've got all the best pictures, really the best. Some of them are tiny but they're great, really really great. And more people in the world have seen my great pictures than any other pictures in the world. I'm telling you. All the other photographers are worse than me. They're bad, so bad. Ansel Adams? A total disaster. Henri Cartier-Bresson, he's a fake. So fake, he has to have a hyphen in his name. Youssef Karsh? He copies my style. He knows my style because he tapped my phones. Someone told me he died in 2002. Fake news. So fake. He was an immigrant. Shouldn't have let him in the country, our country, the best country in the world.
So we sent him to Canada. Where we're going to build a great wall. It's going to be the best wall in the world, the best ever. And we're going to make them pay for it. Our photographers are the best photographers in the world. The best. You can hire them, you can pay them with opportunities for exposure, the best way to pay. And you can grab them by the lens. We're going to do that by banning all digital sensors, so we can go back to film and make Kodak great again. They're going to be so great and they're going to hire hundreds of thousands of people. Millions. It's time to make photography great again.
Feel free to share. If you share, more people in the world will read your posts. More than any other posts in the world. I'm telling you. It'll be fantastic. Think of all the exposure you'll get. Nobody shares posts better than you do. Nobody. It will be so big, it will kill the internet. Kill it. And we're going to make Mark Zuckerberg pay for it.
Penned by Glenn Springer, a good friend and a seasoned Ontario photographer who changed his mind about going back to film again.
After that, there's hardly any point to keeping this thread running: you can't top it.
Rob
shouldn't be too hard to trump that. Just give it a week. ;)
After that, there's hardly any point to keeping this thread running: you can't top it.
...Teacher should have known that "whale" is an incorrect translation of the biblical story. More accurate would be "fish." ;)
Re-majestification (http://www.theonion.com/article/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification-17484)Thanks for that link, Jeremy!
If only they knew about the Clarity and Vibrance sliders...
Jeremy
Thanks for the warning, Rob. I will be certain to pack my slide rule in my checked baggage next time I travel by air (he says with a sly drool.)
Nice one, Jeremy.
But the non-science folks here won't get it.
perhaps a piece of pi ?
Seen (by my daughter) on Instagram.
Jeremy
You can now get insurance for sex in the UK!
Is there insurance for no sex <g>?
When the equipment is not in use, most insurance companies offer now seasonal coverage...
The National Science Foundation awarded Analysis & Inference two consecutive grants to find new statistical methods for classifying risks taken on by insurers. A+I statisticians conducted research on state-of-the-art statistical analysis, focusing on (Bayesian) "shrinkage" estimation, to determine better ways to form classes of risks and to estimate the probabilities and amounts of claims arising from the classes. The work was recognized in publications of articles in top statistical journals.
Any insurance against shrinkage?
Yes! Thermal underwear and a thick, wooly sock.
Rob
Ah, the proverbial helping hand...
Peter
It's not just millennials. We've just started to get W1A here in Canada, and it's quickly become one of my favourite shows:
Preview: The Way Ahead Meeting (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKWZlWaGKgc)
Preview: W1A Does Red Nose Day (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg2940lQlCo)
Wow, this show looks great, almost like a British version of Dilbert, dare I say?
Sad to say this seems to be the state of many of the current crop of jobseekers!
Would someone please bring this young lady a cup of hot chocolate!!
Millennial Job Interview (https://vimeo.com/239050403/cdd07b248e)
I hadn't realised that Mugabe was from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards!
Rob
Haaaaaa!
Rob,
I think you should be awarded an honorary degree of Doctor of Atheistic Theology for that shaggy bear tale.
Eric
So why did they neglect to make a square one too? Guess it's a digital casualty...How would we call that, National Rolleiflex (or Hasselblad) Gallery?
How would we call that, National Rolleiflex (or Hasselblad) Gallery?
C’mon Rob, you are treating the U.S. states as some shithole countries! 😀
C’mon Rob, you are treating the U.S. states as some shithole countries! 😀I'm fine with these so far, as long as he avoids the New England states. 8)
I'm fine with these so far, as long as he avoids the New England states. 8)
Here's one!Kevin,
Here's one!
Okay, thanks for your patience and held tempers - here's the last one in the series:
Florida
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign on that pole in front of you.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.
The elderly rabbi dies and finds himself standing before the pearly gates. He is kept waiting. A while later, a bus driver arrives and is admitted immediately. The rabbi is irate – “Why am I, a respected rabbi, kept waiting while a mere bus driver is let in right away?” An angel answers. “Rabbi, when you gave your sermons, your congregation napped. When that bus driver drove his bus, his passengers prayed to God.”
A wise man once said nothing.
There was a priest who was an avid golf fanatic. He loved nothing better than a day on the course. One Sunday, the weather was perfect and he could not resist the temptation to call in sick and skip giving his sermon.
He drove far out of town so that no one he knew would see him playing golf on Sunday. The Angels were watching and expressing disapproval. God reassured the angels that he would take care of things.
On the first hole, the priest hit a 350 yard hole in one, right in the cup. God chuckled and the Angles asked, dismayed, "this is how you handle this? With a hole in one?"
God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?
"God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?"
Does God need grammar lessons? Or do I?
Just a cheap joke, forgive me!
Rob
...God responded, Yes, a hole in one, but who can he tell about it?
“Anything more than 500 yards from the car just isn’t photogenic.” – Edward Weston
I like your quote.
Cheers,
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.
“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Heisenberg and Schrodinger were in a car. Heisenberg was driving at a speed well over the limit when a cop pulled them over.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the officer.
"No," replied Heisenberg, "but we know where we are."
Suspicious, the officer decided to search the car and opened the trunk.
"Hey," he demanded, "do you know there's a dead cat in here?"
"We do now," replied Schrodinger.
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God". "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?" Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"Thanks for that, Pieter! ;D
Thanks for that, Pieter! ;D
That's it! No more. My wife has accused me of being a transvestite, so I'm packing her clothes and leaving.
Perhaps more meaningful to musicians, but still one of my favorites.
An hour before an important concert, the orchestra conductor fell ill and was rushed to hospital. There was no backup, and the administrators were in a panic. What to do?
Then the principal cellist came to the office. "I studied conducting in school and in fact I have conducted this very piece. If you wish I will do what I can." The administrators gratefully accepted.
The concert went forward under the cellist's baton and was a great success.
After, the principal cellist went backstage and was immediately confronted by the other members of the cello section.
"Where the hell have you been all evening?"
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”
Google is hiring.
https://twitter.com/shafithinks/status/980104550743867392
Two good ones, Rob. Love the bagpiper.+1.
When I was younger and in my prime, I used to be able to bend an iron bar around 'it'.
But now I am older, I can't do that anymore..
My wrists have gone...
;D
Humorous or humorless (i.e., too true to be funny)?
My thanks to Rob C for his bagpiper/septic tank joke of about a month ago. I told it during social hour while at a cello workshop last week, changing the instrument to cello of course. It's a funny joke to be sure, but I never expected the response I got - I never heard such laughing, hooting, hollering, tears running down cheeks, and knee slapping!! So Rob your joke was a huge hit.
I was amazed at the US celebration of Independence Day on 4th July. Such a fuss over one Hollywood film seems a bit over-the-top.
I guess everybody loves a winner?
I found this article to have a fair amount of irony in it....
My brother lives by those words, Rob. He could have written them.
Can we be sure he did not?Nope! :D
Rob
There's a new miracle drug that helps you stop worrying about politics, climate, terrorism, your job, and everything else. Ask your doctor. It's called Fukitol.
Re Rob's Catholic joke... my understanding of Catholicism, however rudimentary, is that divorce is not allowed, short of some very high authority (a Cardinal?) specifically approving it. The same is reflected in the "till death do us part."
It used to be the same with cars. Cars and marital relationships... a lot of similarities. Most people, apart from the rich, used to drive them to the ground (cars). Not any more. First, as we got better off, there was a second car in the family (or mistress, if you didn't catch my drift). Then there was leasing, you get a much more expensive car than you could otherwise afford. Over the years, you would drive multiple cars. Or drive (nuts) multiple spouses.
And then there is Uber: with a few clicks on the phone, you get the nearest stranger who is willing to let you ride them (pardon the pun).
She will instantly suspect the worst, even if you are innocent.
Be natural - if you don't love her, why did you pick her? Trying a little tenderness does not equate with flirting.
If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.
At least you'll be in the arena...
Peter
If I flirted with my wife she would take my temperature and put me to bed.
Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."
Breaking news: IVF treatment in Scandinavia has been put on hold due to large numbers of girls being born without eyelids. A spokesperson said, "We can breed a Norse a daughter, but we can't make them blink."
I asked a Welsh friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started to count but fell asleep.Subtle, Jeremy, very subtle! ;)
Jeremy
In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."
"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."
I chat with Nikon Technical Support: "Can you tell me what the maximum AEB range is for the D7200?"Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle? ::)
Answer of Nikon Product Specialist: "Can you tell me what you mean by 'AEB'?"
Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle? ::)
Are you casting aspersions towards a certain lady dear to my heart, Eric?
Grrrrrr...¿?
I think so!!!Only if her name is either American Egg Board or Advanced Electron Beams. 8)
Peter
Analog Expansion Bus? Atrial Ectopic Beats? Active Electronic Buoy? Or maybe Another Empty Bottle? ::)
I didn’t know either, so I googled it. It’s Automatic Emergency Braking.I wouldn't buy a camera without it!
Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing? :)
Would it be a terrible thing to interrupt your humorous guessing game with a boring, yet correct answer: Auto Exposure Bracketing? :)
Taken from uglyhedgehog.com, with full credit to the original author(s) and some clarifiers for our non-US friends:
Unusual Units of Measurement not taught in my physics classes:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope (Scope(R) being a popular US brand of mouthwash/mouthrinse).
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram (Billy Graham)
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling (Twilight Zone was a popular Sci-Fi program from the late 50's to early 60's. Hosted by Rod Serling).
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
14. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
15. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
16. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
17. 3 protesting neighbors = 1 notinmyback yard (NIMBYism is a popular term in US for people who want a 'solution' to a 'problem'...as long as the 'solution' isn't placed in their neighborhood, or 'in their backyard)
18. 1000 mL drunk by Kim Jong Un = 1 Dear Liter
19. Combined volume of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria = 3 galleons
Been a while since I've visited here, missed the good humor and cameraderie :)
Thomas.
You should have been here during the truly iconic political period: the love was flowing like blood in an abattoir.
;-)
A man was set for a physical and needed to submit a urine specimen. Deciding to have a little fun, he mixed his urine w/some from his son, daughter, wife and dog. At the appointment his doctor told him he had good news and bad news.
"Give me the good news first, Doctor", the man stated. The doctor replied, "You're in perfect health!".
"Well, what's the bad news then?" the man asked.
Replied the doctor: "Your wife's having an affair with the postman, your son is gay, your daughter is pregnant and your dog has the mange.".
Rimshot.
Mother: "Do you think I'm a bad Mom, Jimmie?"
Son: "My name is Jack."
There you go. King has much more limited range of movements... yet they complain about gender equality ;)
.
Unless she is blocked by the court Jester.
Adultery is a sin: you can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Sin or not, the main thing is to be careful so that one doesn't find out about the other one.
Sin or not, the main thing is to be careful so that one doesn't find out about the other one.
Easy: never use social media.
But there's no need to get it from anywhere: just make up your own like the rest of the world does: say you are going to meet with Mr Putin, then say you are not, and then maybe/perhaps do or do not do it off the record! The rôle (it worked - I dragged it as instructed!) models are out there.
:-)
Congrats, Rob. You are now a rôle model for the rest of us. :D
Eric
.
Can't get away from the damn song these days.
Jeremy
Can't get away from the damn song these days.
Jeremy
I apparently went with wrong divorce lawyers. Should have used these:
How vegans are made.Good one, Jeremy!
Jeremy
How vegans are made.Quite good and clever Jeremy!!
Jeremy
HHe quickly received a reply from mom:
I'm not saying you are sleeping with Amanda and I'm not saying you're not. The ladle is in Amanda's bed. Mom.
;D;D ;D
Can't post videos here, so this has to be by link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ebgx9tifjilsodw/german%20coast%20guard.mpg?dl=0. Hope it works.
Jeremy
With greatest respect, Jeremy:
A guy and his blonde date are at a bar, watching the 11 o'clock news on the TV. The news is covering someone who went out on a 20th floor building ledge and is threatening to jump.
"I'll bet you $20 that he jumps," says the guy.
"And I'll bet you $20 that he doesn't," says the blonde.
A few minutes later, the fellow jumps. The blonde takes out $20 and hands it to her date.
"I can't take your money," he replies. "This actually happened earlier and I saw it on the 5 o'clock news."
"I saw it too," replies the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."
+1.
Now that had me burst into laughter! Thanks!
Rob
With greatest respect, Jeremy:
With greatest respect, Jeremy:
With greatest respect, Jeremy:Stout fellow.
The French have their way of saying things as well.;D ;D
If you brag with some new gadgetry you can get this:
“ca donne comme l'impression d'avoir un certain quality”
Works either way you approach it:;D
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car. They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," said Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am."
The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35 zone."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is very suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He looks and says, "Did you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
In a relative way
And returned the previous night
The Daily Mash has some very funny stuff. Some of it perhaps a little close to the bone (https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/amateur-photographer-captures-moment-dream-of-being-a-photographer-dies-20190307183295).
Picking up a big lens, Hollis said: “I don’t even know what this glassy thing does and I could have had two weeks in Ibiza for it.”
Come to think of it, Jeremy, you had your cake and ate it too: you had your “big glassy thing” AND two weeks inIbizaJapan ;)
The Daily Mash has some very funny stuff. Some of it perhaps a little close to the bone (https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/amateur-photographer-captures-moment-dream-of-being-a-photographer-dies-20190307183295).
A woman's parrot has been very ill and is unresponsive. She takes it to the vet, who after a quick examination pronounces the bird dead. The woman does not believe him and asks for more tests.
The vet brings in a Labrador retriever who sniffs the parrot and shows no interest. She is still not convinced so he brings in a cat who also sniffs the bird with no reaction.
Finally convinced, she sighs and asks for the bill. It is $5,000 and she is outraged.
"Well," replies the vet,"if you has accepted my original diagnosis it would have been $20, but you insisted on the lab test and the cat scan."
I've got to admit that Beto here bears an uncanny resemblance to the rat in the rat-and-rattlesnake video. ;)Quite true, same pose. And he moves also very fast.
Hitler finds out the Mueller investigation is over:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&feature=youtu.be
Hitler finds out the Mueller investigation is over:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&feature=youtu.be
Fake Hitler.
This one is for Rob:
“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”
Really?
Fake Hitler...
Nooooo.... And there I was, thinking that was an authentic, historic footage of Hitler himself.
I guess it must be German humor then. Banal and shallow. Then again, humor for Germans is a serious thing. No smiley.
Well yes, sir.You didn't get my tongue-in-cheek comment, apparently.
If you look with attention you'll discover Bruno Ganz acting Bruno Ganz in a Hitler costume.
You could have seen Bruno Ganz acting Bruno Ganz in, say, a Faust costume. Faust is a character by Goethe, a German author.
Or in another theater role.
As you can see Robert De Niro, John Travolta, Tom Cruise etc acting themselves in different roles ;)
So is it usually with actors.
BTW Bruno Ganz passed away shortly ago, in Februar. A great actor.
You didn't get my tongue-in-cheek comment, apparently.
Well I missed some emoticon.
Sorry about that
Well, I try to communicate without these @#*&% emoticons.
I've found out that there are nations whose sense of humor (or lack thereof) requires raising a flag with clearly written words: "It's a joke, it's a joke." Or a smiley.Really? (it's a joke, it's a joke, :) ;) :D ;D)
Really? (it's a joke, it's a joke, :) ;) :D ;D)
Look Frans. I said "sorry". It should suffice.
And yes, emoticons are there to be used to replace the body language which is not possible writing messages on a PC.
That's the reason for their existence.
Many of us, me included, are not very proficient in colloquial English. So is it.
Emoticons may help and are recommended always when defining "netiquette" for beginners.
Hope this helps
Hi Rabanito,
You make some very good points. I should be more aware that not everybody on this forum is fluent in American English. My apologies.
As for emoticons, I'm not a fan; I've seen too many times people making really nasty remarks on this and other forums and then add a smiley or other "cute" emoticon.
Really? (it's a joke, it's a joke, :) ;) :D ;D)
To a German, humor is no laughing matter.
This made me laugh.
+1+ at least 2.
Smart advertising ;D;D
;D+1.
Pilfered from the Internet ((Fujirumours.com, I think):
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in....
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
.
How my friend Noel de Christian invites to his photography gallery in Hollywood, Florida:
:lol: can I borrow that one, if nothing else it an ice breaker & talking point ;)
applicable also to this placeIt sure is applicable also to this place.
(https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67798733_2490419331019798_3950860739652091904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQl6IHI2qUaZo3VYr9GsNaK1gnMcWzUsErJ5wkDOBgsvMHvsyUS-OBOc8j2F1qofYp4&_nc_ht=scontent-yyz1-1.xx&oh=c62410e6c7aa1ad57c0673f8eac95c44&oe=5DEEC92A)
applicable also to this place
(https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67798733_2490419331019798_3950860739652091904_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQl6IHI2qUaZo3VYr9GsNaK1gnMcWzUsErJ5wkDOBgsvMHvsyUS-OBOc8j2F1qofYp4&_nc_ht=scontent-yyz1-1.xx&oh=c62410e6c7aa1ad57c0673f8eac95c44&oe=5DEEC92A)
For Bart:
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/07/22/americans-think-dutch-people-dump-their-children-in-the-woods-and-the-clapback-from-dutch-twitter-was-brutal/
GAS
;D
So Grandpa of 2018 was a Nazi Soldat...
So Grandpa of 2018 was a Nazi Soldat...So the grandpa of the future seems to be a better way. Not my way, but better.
This Post is very much a mixed message for me. Maybe I'm missing something. If I am, I would like for some one to enlighten me.
Peter
Success...Ah yes, the Cycle of Life!
For Bart:
https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/07/22/americans-think-dutch-people-dump-their-children-in-the-woods-and-the-clapback-from-dutch-twitter-was-brutal/
Hi Jeremy,I'm glad you finally made it back from the Forest, Bart! :D
Thanks for that one, I missed you posting it.
We had to laugh at the international reactions when it made the news.
Apparently not much else newsworthy going on at that time.
Cheers,
Bart
I'm glad you finally made it back from the Forest, Bart! :D
Ah, we always do. Must be the training ... ;)
Following the incident, The Society for the Prevention of Oversaturation (TSPOS) issued the following statement.
“Over saturating is a serious issue that is not getting enough attention in the mainstream media. Every day, millions of peoples’ aesthetic sensibilities are permanently damaged by the countless oversaturated, syrupy sweet photos posted online.”
“Every second, 4 children are exposed to an oversaturated photo. This has a cumulative effect on their young, developing aesthetic sensibilities, ultimately making the real, physical world look drab and unexciting in comparison. Is it any wonder that they retreat to richly saturated video games and the huetastic virtual world?”
http://newcameranews.com/2013/12/10/three-people-injured-freak-oversaturation-accident/
Following the incident, The Society for the Prevention of Oversaturation (TSPOS) issued the following statement.
“Over saturating is a serious issue that is not getting enough attention in the mainstream media. Every day, millions of peoples’ aesthetic sensibilities are permanently damaged by the countless oversaturated, syrupy sweet photos posted online.”
“Every second, 4 children are exposed to an oversaturated photo. This has a cumulative effect on their young, developing aesthetic sensibilities, ultimately making the real, physical world look drab and unexciting in comparison. Is it any wonder that they retreat to richly saturated video games and the huetastic virtual world?”
For Rob:
Yes!
Good one!
:-)
And now something completely different: Cogito, ergo sum;D
Another one on the same subject:Punctuation and grammar are important. Simplifying it to: "I think I'm single" wouldn't be the same.
And now something completely different: Cogito, ergo sum
Who says that artist statements have to be convoluted and full or art-speak? Mine is very concise:OK. Let me try to date this artist. Joined LuLa in 2005 and says his age is 62. Was that 62 in 2005 or 62 now? Gee! It's really hard to pin down. :o
OK. Let me try to date this artist. Joined LuLa in 2005 and says his age is 62. Was that 62 in 2005 or 62 now? Gee! It's really hard to pin down. :o
;D
Wildlife PhotographersLove it!!!!!
(http://www.postfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/mouse-is-photographer-16168.jpg)
http://www.postfun.com/incredible/these-animals-really-didnt-want-their-pictures-taken/21/
I hope this hasn't appeared already nor causes any offence. I hold no views on US politics at all although obviously I am aware of them.
It's not any more offensive than any other political joke, but there probably are at least a hundred variations on this joke with both Republicans and Democrats in the punchline.Very true.
But it's gotta have a street in it, Peter, B&W or color.
Wildlife Photographers
(http://www.postfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/mouse-is-photographer-16168.jpg)
http://www.postfun.com/incredible/these-animals-really-didnt-want-their-pictures-taken/21/
Obviously fake - although cute. What photog would set up a camera with a prickly plant 2" behind the viewfinder?
Obviously fake - although cute. What photog would set up a camera with a prickly plant 2" behind the viewfinder?
Very few people know this but the little pocket on your jeans is for your paycheck after taxes.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAMTR9ZVAAIv0KM?format=png&name=small)
How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Too.
How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Too.I had to google "Grammar Nazi"...
I had to google "Grammar Nazi"...
A better term is "grammar nanny."
Way too polite for what it is...
Peter
Associating people who are grammar fuss-budgets with a regime that murdered millions seems wrong.
I think the inspiration for the term "Grammar Nazi" was not directly the original Nasty Nazis, but rather the character on the Seinfeld TV program known as the Soup Nazi, who insisted that everybody follow his rules to the letter.
Entertaining though the discussion of the term grammar nazi might be, the problem with the original joke is that it confuses a spelling mistake with a grammatical error.
Jeremy
I think the inspiration for the term "Grammar Nazi" was not directly the original Nasty Nazis, but rather the character on the Seinfeld TV program known as the Soup Nazi, who insisted that everybody follow his rules to the letter.
I think the inspiration for the term "Grammar Nazi" was not directly the original Nasty Nazis, but rather the character on the Seinfeld TV program known as the Soup Nazi, who insisted that everybody follow his rules to the letter.
This is also a joke, isn't it? :)
:D :D ;D ;D A good one, Peter.+1.
And the Scots delivery seems to suit the joke so well. 'You won't bring it back' doesn't have the same feel.+1.
Warning, the following clip could be unsuitable for those with a particularly sensitive disposition or reindeer lovers in general.
For the rest, well enjoy.
Reindeer Reality (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_jjRuevSKs)
My apologies if this is a re-run.
;D ;D 8) :o+1!
NASA scientists have proven that, in theory, if you run in a tight circle at the speed of light you could screw yourself. However, since nobody can run that fast, they offer that it would be much easier to just vote Democratic in the next election.
I had to chuckle...Me too. But if it were my pie, the sections would be reversed.
Me too. But if it were my pie, the sections would be reversed.
A guy I went to high school just posted this. :D
Sorry Trump supporters but this video about the current Coronavirus situation it’s too funny to keep it just for me: https://youtu.be/Hks6Nq7g6P4Funny?
Sorry Trump supporters but this video about the current Coronavirus situation it’s too funny to keep it just for me: https://youtu.be/Hks6Nq7g6P4Yes, Painful but funny.
The new snow!
Another possible toilet paper substitute.
Best yet :)+1.
With no sports on TV, I spent half an hour talking with my wife, and I learned some interesting things. For example, she's a lawyer and we have 2 children.
I saw a poster on FB that said:
Many parents are just about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.
Likewise, everyone is about to find out how much more important farmers, truck drivers, train engineers, long shore-man, stock boys etc. are then lawyers, bankers, ad guys, photographers, actors, Silicon Valley elites, etc., etc.
Too right. My cousin worked with a guy who used to complain about all the money spent on maintaining rural roads or supporting small towns. My cousin asked him where he though his food came from. There's no app for plowing snow or picking up garbage.
Sorry, this isn't humour, is it.
The new panic room!
Commitment
What was the purpose of those bricks of Kodachrome?
;-)
How to do you think the quarantine will end:
A. with 30 lbs more
B. alcoholic
C. divorced
D. all of the above
I am just glad that there is no daily self-adulation and medical intuition hour today.
We should probably all be grateful that there are no thought police. :)
You mustn't have Alexa.....?
Peter
The first time (of many) that I read that joke, the man who'd jumped out of the plane with the non-parachute was Kissinger.
Jeremy
You got to admit, this one is pretty good.
What is that - off a car? Haven't looked at any car parts in decades, but it reminds me of car air filter interiors.
Maybe that handy Urban Dictionary may help...
Rob
No I don't.
Maybe that is a lesson you can take from Trump, he is always making jokes at his expense.
That's true. But they're unintentional.
Well, I'm not surprise. People on the left have completely lost the ability to laugh at themselves.
Maybe that is a lesson you can take from Trump, he is always making jokes at his expense.
Lighten up man.
I am afraid you are right, about some of us--but not all or even most. Replace Pelosi with Trump and I still wouldn't have found it funny. Or clever, or witty.
But you got the reference right? The joke would not make sense with Trump.
...
I think that one was a whoosh...
But you got the reference right? The joke would not make sense with Trump.
And I high disagree with that most libs are okay joking about themselves. Have you seen late night TV in the last 3 years?
I don't know much about Pelosi.Consider yourself lucky! Keep it that way.
The joke is kind of lost on me, or to be more precise why it's better with Pelosi than Trump. I don't know much about Pelosi.
After holding up signing the impeachment articles and sending them to the Senate for a month, she handed out souvenir pens with her name on the pens when she finally did so.
It did get a lot of press in conservative outlets, but I guessliberalmainstream media did not see an issue with it.
...I thought of a variant: ...
Peter, you are apparently as good at humor as you are at political analysis ;D
Have we had this one?
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. ,Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Doing repeats? I posted this on the page prior. ;)
Sorry Joe.
Severe consequences for art in Chicago, after mandated social distancing rules:
Some people will be relieved on this one.
I only follow these things from a distance, of course, but isn't a "VIP clutch" something that has caused him trouble in the past?
Jeremy
I only follow these things from a distance, of course, but isn't a "VIP clutch" something that has caused him trouble in the past?
Jeremy
...This man has been dealing with viruses since Windows95
...
And a few more.
Jeremy
And a few more.
Jeremy
In South Africa we are on day 10 of a 21-day lockdown. The terms are quite tough, no gatherings, no church, funerals limited to 50, and a big one for some folks, no liquor sales.
This wedding crowd from a rural area thought no-one would notice... they were all arrested and charged, this video shows the bride being bundled into a police vehicle. The language your hear spoken is Zulu.
https://youtu.be/HvB_AyS5STI
Not funny! Maybe it should be posted to a more serious thread.
Not funny? ...
Casinos are closed, but some churches opened last weekend. Just for mass or also for bingo?
Alan, any relation..? ;D
Now, that's funny!
...
"Everyone must quarantine away from the internet so that 'humor' and 'jokes' and 'satire' don't continue to spread around the country," said a spokesperson. "Should the internet stay up, we'll continue to run the risk that someone might laugh at a joke or read a satirical article and not know that it isn't true. We can't sleep at night until we know that all humor is dead."
"It's the only way to be sure."
Some people warned that this might have negative side effects. Snopes has sent out the thought police to take these people into one of its state-of-the-art reeducation camps.
Honestly, I feel more like crying than laughing at this one, too close to C19 reality.
https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-recommends-shutting-down-internet-to-prevent-spread-of-jokes?utm_content=buffer1d3f7&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR3vbEbuiZwrM9_LUTJPGC-R17eu-RCQ0MZ4oKQ5PUpPOltIJr6R4ppn4Q4
I'm not familiar with Babylon Bee, are they a satire site along the lines of The Onion?
Honestly, I feel more like crying than laughing at this one, too close to C19 reality.
https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-recommends-shutting-down-internet-to-prevent-spread-of-jokes?utm_content=buffer1d3f7&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&fbclid=IwAR3vbEbuiZwrM9_LUTJPGC-R17eu-RCQ0MZ4oKQ5PUpPOltIJr6R4ppn4Q4
Teacher asks little Johnny:
"Do you know what democracy is?"
"Sure... that's when two idiots have more rights than one smart guy."
A priest, a rabbit and an iman walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
This is definitely a typo, unless you had in mind this: ;)
This is definitely a typo, unless you had in mind this: ;)
Sign at a liquor store in NYC.
NSFW
Serbia is facing a shortage of hours for the curfew
Serbian President dispelled those rumors: "Already next Tuesday we are starting with production of new hours, we have enough capacity for that. And on Wednesday, a plane from China will bring new supply of hours necessary for the curfew..."
From Serbia's own version of The Onion and Babylon Bee:
A priest, a rabbit and an iman walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I may be a typo."
The joke works a lot better if they walk into a blood bank.
Jeremy
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
The initial news was that Tesla was going to make those ventilators.
https://forum.luminous-landscape.com/index.php?topic=134519.0
Yet they still delivered. Perhaps you would have felt better if CA never got them?
A fellow was in an airplane at 20,000 ft and fell out. Fortunately they had made him wear a parachute. He opened the chute and drifted slowly downwards. About halfway he reasoned "This chute has really slowed my descent, so I can take it off."
I sure hope this is a spoof, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHn0m9tyscE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHn0m9tyscE).
...
For mask lovers:
Good one! If it weren't for the file name I would have been clueless.
Man skillfully raps Dr. Seuss rhymes over Dr. Dre beats in a must-see mashup (https://www.upworthy.com/dr-seuss-dr-dre-epic-rap-mashup)
Brilliant!
I've got the vaccine. Seems to be working well, just the one side-effect. If you see me, please don't throw a stickArf!
I've got the vaccine. Seems to be working well, just the one side-effect. If you see me, please don't throw a stick
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Beautiful!+1.
Incorrigible maleness.
Her husband came home late with lipstick on his collar.
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse but the temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards
Richard
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo in my last text: I see that damn spell-checker changed "wi-fi" to "wife"! Technology, eh? It'll be the death of us all.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to the guy next to me,
“Isn’t the bride a right ugly dog.”
“Do you mind, that’s my daughter you’re talking about.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”
“I’m not, I’m her fucking mother.”
Schrödinger's Virus
If it had truly been where you claim, Rob, the conversation would have ended with a Glasgow kiss after the first spoken sentence.
Jeremy
[/q
That was the 50s. They lernd sofistycaashunce once the 60s arrived.
:-)
I saw a press release from Heinz the other day. It said “NOTE: we will NEVER EVER make a bolognese version of our Alphabet Spaghetti”.
“Blimey” I thought. “They don’t mince their words.”
This one might be lost on the non-British, even if they're aware of our adulation for the NHS. Explanation available, but withheld for now.
Jeremy
This one might be lost on the non-British, even if they're aware of our adulation for the NHS. Explanation available, but withheld for now.
Jeremy
All in a sentence...
Life, with a whole-life tariff, as I recall.
Jeremy
Funny but true...Aw, shucks. My Photoshop CS6 doesn't have the jazz-it-up button. :(
This one is great!
Out Of Touch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfGAktuU93s)
Heads are exploding over this one.
...
Now it is far more believable...! 8)
Now it is far more believable...! 8)+1.
+1.
Wicked wish-list!
Maybe not humour, but wisdom. As we seem to have no slot for that, here we go in this one if only for lack of alternative:
If anyone who speaks Italian thinks Veneto a bit difficult, try listening to the original soundtrack of the tv series Gomorra that's all about the Naples version of the Mafia, and then get back to me! Without the English subtiles I'd be lost.
Rob
My family is from Marche, I don't have too much trouble with Veneto. But I grew up in Montreal with Sicilian and other friends from southern Italy and we used to compare notes on dialects. My parents had friends who came from villages not more than 5-10 km away from theirs, and there were plenty of words that they pronounced differently. Of course their version of those dialects dated from post WW2.
.Does he keep all his clients 2 meters apart and issue face masks for them, too?
Jeremy
A field trip's happy ending?
I ordered 3 reams of copy/printer paper but instead they sent me 40 rolls of Angel Soft toilet paper! Inkjet printing got a whole lot weirder.
I ordered 3 reams of copy/printer paper but instead they sent me 40 rolls of Angel Soft toilet paper! Inkjet printing got a whole lot weirder.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and ...
...
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes."Boy,I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one”
“The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?
“Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says,"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O’Malley”
Too true.+1.
Jeremy
It's hard to take a joke like that every 2 weeks.Especially when you are an ant.
President Calvin Coolidge and Mrs. Coolidge . . .
Apropos of which, President Coolidge was well-known for his taciturn New England demeanor. He was a man of few words. In the press, and in political circles in Washington, Coolidge was known as "Silent Cal." It is said that when The New Yorker writer Dorothy Parker was told of his death in 1933, she turned to her interlocutor and inquired, "how can they tell?"
I have no idea why this joke was about Coolidge, but that's how I heard it.
They've released another updated version of the Vote Him Away "cover" [link deleted]. Good singing too.
[moderator: That is an overtly political video and while it might amuse those of certain political persuasions, it isn't "humour". Or even humor. Keep politics to political threads.]
It would have been more appropriate to delete RR's post and let him know by PM why. But making this public--while not allowing anyone to view the video--seems to have no point while seemingly having put the brakes on this humor thread. Let's hope the thread kicks back into gear!
A handsome young man and a lovely woman ...
"Bad stock photos of my job". Very funny. ##31 and 59 might particularly appeal.
https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-bad-stock-photos-of-jobs-badstockphotosofmyjob
Jeremy
The owner, who is a hand full, had a huge banner sign printed saying, "The Indians Are Coming!" and hung it across the fence. My client got angry phone calls non-stop for months.
Sensitivity training?
Too true.
Jeremy
Importance of individual rights...
This isn't even remotely funny, but political. Post it in the political threads, please. Leave humor alone.
I agree. I've moved it.
[later - I would have moved it, had I been able to, but as I can't, I haven't]
Jeremy
..
My pet stick insects have had sex and nearly burned the house down
Also known as a "PEBKAS" error.
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Screen.
A client of mine got hired to design a new Indian Motorcycle dealership. As is usually the case, they hung their credentials and name on the job site fence at the beginning of the project, long before you could tell what the place was going to be.
The owner, who is a hand full, had a huge banner sign printed saying, "The Indians Are Coming!" and hung it across the fence. My client got angry phone calls non-stop for months.
Not exactly humour in the joke sense but still funny, I thought https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/would-be-wisconsin-thieves-thwarted-by-manual-car-police-say-1.4624390 (https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/would-be-wisconsin-thieves-thwarted-by-manual-car-police-say-1.4624390).Years ago this old American rented a car in Germany at the airport. It was a manual - no problem, I grew up on manuals. But I could not figure out how to get that car into reverse in order to back out of the parking space. After several failed minutes I got out and grabbed the first German looking guy that came by. I don't remember exactly, but it was some combination of putting the stick in neutral, pushing it straight down, giving it a 1/4 turn, then pulling it in the only angle it would go.
A few years later, wife and I rented a manual car in Ireland. First time sitting and driving on the wrong side for both of us. I had no problem, but the wife simply could not shift with her left hand. When she drove, I had to do the shifting from the passenger seat. We got pretty good at it.
I rented a manual shift camper in NZ. Most stressful driving I can recall. EVERYTHING was backasswards, even the seatbelt went the wrong way.
I rented a manual shift camper in NZ. Most stressful driving I can recall. EVERYTHING was backasswards, even the seatbelt went the wrong way.
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!
Jeremy
Do the roundabouts on either side of the Chunnel experience higher than normal collisions?
A very long time ago I flew to Ireland, rented a car, and, overcompensating, struck the left curb and blew a tire on my way out of the airport. I changed the tire and drove back to the rental car place to get a new spare tire. Of course, rental car places don't have extra spare tires, so they gave me a new car. Turns out it was an upgrade.In my previous post, the reason my wife was drivng and I was shifting in Ireland was because I flattened 2 tires in the 1st 2 days striking the left side curb. While I could shift like a race driver, I could not stay on the road, always fearful I was going to hit the guy coming at me. The 2nd time we were in the middle of nowhere and limped into a small village on the spare. I was surprised to find a garage there with the right size tire. The rest of the week I started paying attention to the many, many tire shops in small rural places. It seems the Irish are well prepared for American drivers.
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!When we lived in France we kept our UK car, and it caused no end of strange looks when I drove with my small daughter in the passenger seat. When she got a bit older it was less fun because we got fewer worried glances, but at least she was able to operate the "péage" machines.
Jeremy
If you want a real challenge, try driving a right-hand-drive car in France, as I used (pre-pandemic) to do every year. Then do it without a passenger!
Jeremy
“A touch of humor” - dictionary definition - a thread on Luminous Landscape where humor comes to die.
Let's try to resuscitate it...
Good!! Took my wee brain a minute to get it.Me too - glad it's not just me!!
.
1) Cartoon printed and posted on our fridge.
2) Subsequently ordered a Nikon Z6ii and a 24-200.
Dear Slobodan: Fuck you, too.
Sobodan made his point. I made my point. I'm sure he's seen it...
...
Slobodan, I'm afraid this one needs explaining...
Slobodan, I'm afraid this one needs explaining...
Really? It's been doing the rounds for several months. Think "wax" after the second caption.Never heard of a Brazilian wax job, but now that I did, I get it.
S
Real sentences illustrating the importance of proper punctuation.A fine set, Peter.
No Alexa, I said - order lunch
....;D ;D ;D ;D
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Perhaps, since I'm not Australian, I am totally missing something here, but I cant help but laugh and experience some serious second-hand embarrassment for this official government news broadcast.
Mark McGowan - aboriginal woman translates English into English (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtmzzIcgPKA)
It's time like these that I wish Leslie Nelson was still alive. I would love to see him do a parody of this.
Most probably, they paid the lady for her translation services.
Here's the version I heard:
In hell:
- All the cooks are English
- All the lovers are Swiss
- All the police are German
- All the mechanics are French
- And everything is organized by the Italians
Thats the version I know, but in Switzerland nobody laughed...🤭
For Germans, humor is a serious thing.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Four engineers got into a car. It wouldn't start.That's funny Peter and not far from the truth. I have a Ford Lincoln. It's display screen on the dashboard went black. So we called the Ford concierge desk. They advised to open the driver's door, hit a couple of buttons, then close the door again. It fixed the problem apparently re-booting it.
The mechanical engineer said "Replace the starter--that'll fix it."
The electrical engineer said "Charge the battery--that'll fix it."
The chemical engineer said "Put in fresh gasoline--that'll fix it."
The IT engineer said "Let's get out and get back in--that'll fix it."
That's funny Peter and not far from the truth. I have a Ford Lincoln. It's display screen on the dashboard went black. So we called the Ford concierge desk. They advised to open the driver's door, hit a couple of buttons, then close the door again. It fixed the problem apparently re-booting it.
A good laugh, photo-related.
A good laugh, photo-related.;D ;D ;D
Funny timely story from The Beaverton today. . . .
How do you make a small fortune in social media?
Start out with a large one.
He is a ready, fire, aim entrepreneur who will truly enjoy fucking with everyone who has an expectation of him.
No Oxford comma for me, as in Lyne Truss' book 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves'
I get a big kick out of discussions about English usage. People have so many doctrinaire positions over what are almost always arbitrary style guide recommendations.
Until you're sued.
Oxford Comma Dispute Is Settled as Maine Drivers Get $5 Million (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/us/oxford-comma-maine.html)